Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
keithwade We all turned a blind eye: There's no way Zach Morris, circa 1993 Saved by the Bell: College Years, was not taking steroids. He's jacked.
mtmodular "Dude, I totally slept with black pajamas on. Sometimes I'm so goth I pee black."
debenham Feel bad that part of our lic. plate is "LDS." I bet there are CT Mormons who'd kill for that! And then baptize the corpse. Hey-o!
slag_mag So we now find it necessary to remind Americans to eat donuts? I'll be over here reminding hippies to drop acid and Koreans to smoke.
alexblagg In Los Angeles, the best part about National Doughnut Day is Citywide Bulimia Afternoon.
Jim_Hamilton If we're ever on a deserted island, don't trust me to write the message in a bottle. I'll probably just draw crude genitalia.
wood Whee! @ultranima is now a licensed driver! We're going for beers! What?
BlueLanugo 5PM. Time for me to make like a banana and rot in my apartment.
slapclap Gang, tweet up tonight @ the Dunkin Doughnuts, crnr of Atlantic & 4th Ave! I'll be the guy wearing a rain slicker out of Glad bags & crying!
adamisacson I bought gold bouillon instead of gold bullion. My investment portfolio is a shambles, but my soup is delicious.
drew42e St. Peter just cleaned out the locker next to Bob Crane in the "Other" wing for David Carridine
AlisonRosen My head hurts today from trying to stick a pot on it that was too small. I never thought I'd say those words.
yokoono Imagine letting a goldfish swim across the sky. Let it swim from the East to the West. Drink a liter of water.
hotdogsladies Some things are like fine wine and need to age. Others are like cheap wine, so finish quickly. If everything seems like wine, get a sponsor.
hotdogsladies If I investigated sex crimes, I'd always start by questioning the guy in Adidas shower sandals. Because this job's all about instinct.
Jim_Hamilton Thanks to that phone call while shaving, I had a goatee for fifteen minutes. I nearly bought a Camaro.
yokoono Imagine one thousand suns in the sky at the same time. Let them shine for one hour. Then, let them gradually melt into the sky.
diplo Watched gran torino on the plane.. Now lookin for some hmong gangstaz to shoot up wit my homey toad @clinteastwood
adamisacson Sitting in the backyard. Watching the cat piss on the basil in the garden. Thinking about the spaghetti sauce I made last night.
Jim_Hamilton At least I'm not the only one masturbating at this laundromat.
samantharobot We just bought a vacuum at Target that MIGHT be a robot in disguise.
Jessabelle2o7 Bad: starting one's period. Worse: while masturbating. Worser: for the viewing pleasure of a guy. Nightmare: who owns a denim fanny pack.
michaelianblack Every time I see somebody in a sweater vest, I have the same thought: "pedophile."
paulscheer The most embarrassing part of having a Toys R' Us credit card is telling the cashier, that you don't have any kids.
debenham Dirty Harry's on AMC. Most thankless acting role: Black guy in Clint Eastwood flick or woman in Apatow production?
Jim_Hamilton Funyuns? More like... Actually, Funyuns is the perfect name.
AndeeD When the Jeopardy contestant is introduced as an independent filmmaker, do you just think "unemployed guy with a camera?"
jdickerson Constant rolling thunder, streets red with mud, gutters bent from the rain. I bet Sebastian Junger's outside my front door with a notebook
adamisacson I've become so ambidextrous, I can now brush my teeth with one hand and scoop the litterbox with the other. Uh-oh. Oh, fuck. Never mind.
ChrisSpags Why do people care if Adam Lambert is gay? It's not like it'll affect his singing. Unless he sings with a mouthful of gentleman.
janiehaddad I got a residual check for 71 cents. Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1899.
FartSandwich Turns out most things I do at work constitute "Sexual Harassment." I thought everybody chucked Chicken Nuggets at their coworkers crotches!
nicdarling My body is a temple. Unfortunately it's the type of temple where you would expect to find Harrison Ford and a spunky young side kick.
shareyourdonuts Dog buries snout in weird neighbor's crotch. Her: "He must smell my kitty cat!"
randomleopard this a/c is not cold enough! eveyone else can wear more clothes, I can't wear less fetus. arg!
Just_Unco My friend hates it when I use ironic incorrectly, it makes her feel ironic
slapclap Black box means something entirely else in aviation than it does in african-american gonzo porn.
DoucheLarue Allllllllllllllll my ex'ssssssssss live in Texassssssss....the rest are buried in a shallow grave near the airport.
shareyourdonuts Today I'm "dressing homeless" to scam free vaccines at a walk-in clinic. Oh no, American healthcare is doing juuuust fine.
BlueLanugo Congrats LA! We're #1 in chlamydia! Give yourselves a hand. NO. Not a handjob! For a nearby stranger! Just applaud politely. There ya go.
diplo Errr fuqin round with ubertwitter myspiderloc and got served pic of dead body on the road round the corner http://mypict.me/3piH
AndeeD Had an Ultimate Steak Bowl from Taco Bueno today. Apparently Ultimate means indeterminate flavor, not quite steak in a shiny plastic bowl
artichoked My experience at the Natural History Museum was exactly like the Ben Stiller movie, except it was during the day & nothing came alive.
slag_mag That Orlando lead just disappeared faster than one of Drew Peterson's wives.