The Best Tweets of the week 7/10 - 7/17

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...



JephKelley In my life, I've made many bad decisions. Getting the sausage and eggs at the gas station's deli counter this morning ranks near the top.

DoucheLarue im starting to become upset by the lack of explosions and helicoptors on morning television. Im looking at you "the view."

Kathy_L Dear U.S. Gov't, thanks for buying GM. I will take my 2009 tax refund in the form of a Camaro. You may deposit it directly on my driveway.

CranberryPerson Today has taught me that the perfect number of taquitos to consume before running is somewhere in the "fewer than nine" range.

Jim_HamiltonTurns out Amway frowns on virgin sacrifice. Murder, they called it. I'd be in real trouble if I wasn't also a member of Skull & Bones.

Aimee_B_Loved I just saw Transformers 2. How the hell did Michael Bay make an explosion explode?

kolchak Hi. I'm a Mac. And I'm a PC. And while we film these commercials, Linux bangs our wives.

kolchak You write ONE letter to Maria Sharapova about how you take lots of shots with your powercock and suddenly the law is involved.

CourtneyReimer Finally got around to changing the names of all my "Santogold" songs to "Santigold." My weekend chores are done; let the Bacchanalia begin.

ScottAukerman Man in line is telling his daughter the plot to every Toonces SNL sketch he can remember. Whoever wrote those: you have touched lives.

CranberryPerson Wife brought me ice water while I was mowing. SOMEONE'S angling for a few extra minutes of platonic, fully dressed snuggling tonight!

CcSteff Jim's hair can only be described as "the dad from My Two Dads that wasn't Paul Reiser."

Jim_Hamilton There should be a law that bans eating ice cream sandwiches while driving. Oh boy, I hit a bunch of people back there.

diplo I can't wait to have children so I can stop making shitty decisions like doing dmt @ a gated community pool @ 4am last night

davio1962 Tourism Guide: Delaware's 2 biggest contributions to the US GNP are NASCAR fumes & cholesterol.

dragonboysuede You call it tinkling in the ocean, i call it letting the starfish know there's a new sheriff in town.

diplo my plane was diverted from Spain to JFK cause the flux capaciter broke over bermuda and theyre playing The Cars.."whos gonna drive you home"

davio1962 "So we meet again Mr. Bond" has no effect--funny or otherwise--when uttered to your wife in bed 1st thing in the morning.

trumpetcake The way my beard is growing I'm not just rubenesque anymore, I'm Rick Rubinesque.

cubicle2 Based upon the variety of liquids that enter my body, I'm always disappointed that my urine isn't a more exciting color.

GodAwfulBastard I'll always sort of hate my dad for not having the last name "Feelgood".

Rayke So apparently it's illegal to ask the 14-year-old snowcone girl for "extra vodka". Our date for next weekend is totally off.

JephKelley Hey guy with the NJOY KDS plates: I'll assume you mean in the normal way and not the whoa-what-a-pretty-creepy-license-plate-way.

adamisacson My funnel cake had so much powdered sugar, I look like I spent the afternoon with Lindsay Lohan and Tony Montana.

GhostPanther "Suck it Russia! I'm king dick of this cheese rock!" Alternate moon landing statement considered by NASA for Neil Armstrong.

CourtneyReimer I'm facing a dilemma of Sophie's Choicesque proportions: use the festering Port-A-Potty or pee my pants. I'm leaning toward the latter.

CranberryPerson Nice to be in a restaurant classy enough to realize there was more to Europe than "The Final Countdown."

cubicle2 Nobody power slides a family sedan into a drive-thru lane like this motherfucker. That Ronald McDonald statue was a casualty of awesome.

diplo Amsterdam everything smells like honeysuckle.. Is it a terrorist attack? Feelin the double aa's too. Baalin'

michaelianblack New idea for an animal: Pegapotamus, which is a winged hippopotamus. Would make adorable stuffed animals and terrifying poops.

kolchak Best part of the Hannah Montana movie was that there wasn't an undercover cop in the back row of the theater with me.

Petherwin A lifetime of watching Mick Jagger dancing is etched on Keith Richards’s face.

blaine23 I experienced unplanned sexual tension at Family Dollar when Let's Get It On cued up right as I approached the counter with my shower gel.

Jessabelle2o7 What's with all the new TV shows about sassy, know-it-all nurses? I want my nurse to know her place -- keeping my doctor sexually satisfied!

mookiewilson86 Hey Mets fans! Don't forget to tune in later to watch all your favorites compete in the Inning Ending Double Play Derby.

JephKelley Forgot I had Toaster Strudel in the freezer as the only time I open it is for vodka or to talk to/mock my formerly annoying neighbor's head.

CcSteff "It wasn't my best handjob, but it was the most memorable. For us and everyone else in the campground." That's how I avoid small talk.

rbender Philly Fun Fact: People put pennies on Ben Franklin's grave so he can afford whores in the afterlife.

artichoked Last night is a blur of football, beer & whipped cream bikinis. Translation: I got drunk & watched Varsity Blues in a whip cream bikini.

nottjmiller Dear dishrag: I know what you're thinking...I'm not a face towel. Yes you are. At 7am you are...

mtmodular The name Sotomayor always makes me think "Sodamayor". And then I think "Whats so bad about being the Mayor of Soda?" The answer: Nothing.

Jim_Hamilton It's like you can't even wink in a shady massage parlor without getting a handjob anymore.

JeeNeeBee THIS JUST IN: The Somali pirates have all gone home and resumed their positions at the Pirates of the Caribbean theme park ride.

keithwade I now have 3 speeds at which I move: Normal, caffeine-boosted, and "hey, there's a free ice cream party in the break room."

Jim_Hamilton A night of drunken soul-searching has only confirmed that my soul is not located on the floor between the toilet and the tub.

keithwade My son is so sensitive about people calling him names recently. It's like I don't even know little Mr. Poopyhead Lumpypants anymore.

clubtrillion The 5-10 seconds between realizing I have to sneeze and actually sneezing is the most exhilirating part of any given day for me.

FilmDrunk DICK WOLF is an AWESOME NAME but an AWESOMER PROFESSION.

Read more!

Links of Interest 7/17

Wes Anderson’s perfect mix tape?

One shot of a really large aquarium.

Looks like Russia is trying to get the jump on getting to Mars.

What once was impossible to listen to is now easy to find on the Internet.

Mysterious glowing clouds.

Emmy nominations are out. See what got snubbed.

College pranks are always good for a chuckle.

Real life spy exploits that kick ass.

I know the Mythbusters did it, but now National Geogrpahic is doing it – busting the fake moon landing conspiracies.

Huge blob of goo floats past Alaska. Next thing you know, some company is going to bottle it, and sell it, where it will then control our minds and bodies and plenty of terrible acting. (I hope you appreciate that reference).

Read more!

Links of Interest 7/16

The gyro.

Anyone interested in Thomas Pynchon’s new book cover?

A deeper look into that guy’s lawsuit against Lost.

P.J. O’Rourke has a new book out. Here’s an interview with him.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize this movie is going to be bad. Still, I’m a little sad.

Kottke lays out step-by-step instructions how to read Infinite Jest.

The more unusual state fair foods.

In the world of marine biology in this lagoon, who’s talking to who?

An ode to Wimbledon.



Is there not anything we can’t learn from Dante’s Peak?

http://www.komonews.com/news/local/50807692.html

Read more!

Links of Interest 7/15

A look back at the movie Bad Boys.

Star Wars characters that dropped the ball.

Does this guy has a point, or elaborate set up for the next season? It does share some 70s similarities. I’m going with the latter.

For fans of the State, an interview with the Michaels (Ian Black and Showalter) about their new show.

Are these the top 25 characters of Harry Potter? I couldn’t tell you.

Is there good food at the Cheesecake Factory?

Anyone else have a mild fantasy about completely disappearing? No? Carry on then.

News like this has to make planets like Neptune giddy with anticpation.

Every stop to really think about the platypus? The thing is weird.

Photography of the KKK. Kinda chilling when the first show is of a 14 or so year old boy donning the robes.

Read more!

Top Chef: Vegas preview

With news of the new Top Chef season starting in August, I couldn't be happier. Sure, Top Chef Masters is decent, but it's no substitution for the original. I love the heightened ability and reverence everyone pays to one another, but hate the format. It seems every chef with any amount of personality (save Rick Bayless who made it through) gets trounced. So, while I'll continue to watch, all it's really doing is getting me excited for the big dog.

Over at Bravo, they have posted bios for all the chefs competing in season 6, so I figured why not take a look at them, dust off my handicapping skills and see what I get right and wrong based on appearance, and 50 words of copy. I briefly thought about a Top Chef pool, and I still may do it, but I also know there are sites out there that spoil the results and I didn't want to get into the world of Tim Donaghy. Maybe if there's enough interest, I'll set something up. Anyway - onto the chefs...



After last season, it seems the producers stepped up their search and brought in some good talent. Looks like a lot of these chefs have some great experience, which should make this season a great one!

In my handicapping, I am including odds for winning, and odds for being the first chef eliminated. Enjoy!

Ron Duprat

Odds of winning: 10-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 100-1

Ron appears to have a lot of personality, which will keep him on the show for awhile. No, this isn't any conspiracy theory suggesting producers have a say in who stays and who goes; it simply means personality is a great trait for a chef and for Ron I think it will help him shine. Another great little tidbit that I've gleaned from his bio - he enjoys making flourless cake, which means he has at least one dessert recipe - something no chef should be without on this show.

As for winning, I think he might be too bold and adventurous, which will hurt him in the later stages. Remember, the judges are looking first and foremost for perfectly executed dishes.

Robin Leventhal

Odds of winning: 25-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 8-1

Robin is a tough one to handicap. She's self taught and it doesn't look like she's currently cooking anywhere (professionally). She lists as one of her favorite summer recipes as "Grilled Corn and Avocado Salad with a great piece of fish or meat." Really? You couldn't name the fish or meat? Red flag. Of course, her artist background could really come into play and she could take a Carla-like run to the finals.

Preeti Mistry

Odds of winning: 8-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 40-1

With a name like that, how can you go against her? Well, her Google chef experience might not help her too much, but her formal training at Le Cordon Bleu certainly will. Not to mention one of her strengths is sauces. That can take a chef a long way.

Michael Voltaggio

Odds of winning: 7-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 20-1

He looks like an 80s teen movie villain which is probably exactly what Top Chef wants. Still young, his appearance comes off as cocky as well. Could be the bad guy in the kitchen everyone respects and hates. Or could fall flat on his face and go down in a blaze of explosive ranting about how the judges don't get him and his style. He definitely appears to have the awards hardware to back up his style.

Michael Isabella

Odds of winning: 30-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 8-1

Though I love the simplicity of the ingredients he always has on hand, I'm a little wary about his specific greek style. I'm sure he makes excellent food, and I'm sure he has a more rounded background in food, but sometimes chefs trying to shoehorn their style into s challenge that has nothing to do with it leads to disaster. But don't you fret, his Steve Guttenberg looks will definitely have me rooting for him. Because I love Police Academy. And Young Doctors in Love. Not Cocoon so much, but that had to do with a bare chested Wilford Brimly that scarred my childhood. Where were we?

Mattin Noblia

Odds of winning: 20-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 6-1

Admit it, you thought the scarf was a dead giveaway that he was gay. Nope. Unless he wants to eat dinner with Jessica Alba to go over...[insert vulgar joke here]. He's French, and Top Chef seemed to have an affinity for the foreign chefs last year, I'm thinking this year they uniqueness will have worn off. This guy simply looks happy to be here.

Laurine Wickett

Odds of winning: 8-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 40-1

Laurine looks like the type of chef that cooks clean, cooks fresh, and cooks well. Exactly the type of chef that can do well on Top Chef. And her picture also suggests she might have a bit of attitude, another great trait to have in the kitchen.

Kevin Gillespie

Odds of winning: 50-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 4-1

With the style of Dom Deluise and the facial hair of a Michael Landon movie, I fear this guy could just be too nice and intimidated by the kitchen and other chefs. But who knows, maybe his heart is black and he'll make a run.

Jesse Sandlin

Odds of winning: 75-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 5-1

Sassy looking yet self taught, I can see Jesse trying to fit in, and failing. Worse, I can see her not being able to take the pressure and crumbling in episode 1. And that would be a shame, because she looks like a lot of fun and would probably bring something cool to the table every week. So while I'm rooting for her, I don't have high hopes.

Jennifer Zavala

Odds of winning: 50-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 6-1

Another self taught, regional specialist, I fear Jennifer too might have too much going against her. I want her to succeed because she's from Philly, and I don't think Philly gets the respect it deserves from the culinary world.

Jennifer Carroll

Odds of winning: 6-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 100-1

Pretty, and a sous chef for Eric Ripert? Yeah, that's a pretty good pedigree for a contestant on Top Chef. Keep an eye on this one.

Hector Santiago

Odds of winning: 11-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 100-1

Is this the villain for season 6? His profile pic certainly suggests it. You couldn't get a more intimidating pose and scowl from a chef. I'm sure he can back it up in the kitchen, I just wonder if he will have the personality to be flexible to deal with some of the more "colorful" challenges Top Chef comes up with.

Eve Aronoff

Odds of winning: 40-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 8-1

Sassy, attractive and "cougar material," Eve could easily become a fan favorite - or a fan foe. With her own cookbook, her own restaurant and a laundry list of credentials other chefs would love to have, at first glance Eve looks like she'll be able to compete. But there's something about her that I can't get over that makes me think she's got a great chance of exiting early. I can't explain myself, other than to say read Blink.

Eli Kirshtein

Odds of winning: 25-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 9-1

Looking less like a chef and more like a criminal mastermind's mentally challenged sidekick, Eli still looks like he has the chops when it comes to cooking. I am a little concerned about describing his style as "unique." That can sometimes mean "scatterbrained," which is not something the judges smile on too much.

Bryan Voltaggio

Odds of winning: 6-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 30-1

Bryan's food philosophy of "local, organic" ingredients, marries nicely with Tom Colicchio's approach, which will certainly give him a great starting point in the kitchen. As long as he realizes he won't be able to always use the local ingredients he wants (Vegas really doesn't boast too many farms and foodstuffs being in a desert) he should do well.

Ashley Merriman

Odds of winning: 5-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 50-1

She's from a town called Sandwich. That's gotta count for something. I like that her go to ingredients are simple and classic, and also like that he favorite dish is something simple and elegant, with just a touch of sophistication. Unassuming looking, she will quietly glide through the early rounds to become a force in the later competitions. Definitely a favorite.

Ash Fulk

Odds of winning: 25-1
Odds of being eliminated first: 3-1

Looking like a cross between John C. Reilly and Patton Oswalt, with a smidge of Liberace style, if I had to choose someone to go first, it would be Ash. Taking nothing away from his culinary skills (which I know nothing about) the formula for early failure is there; fairly young, self taught, not-so clever witty answer to favorite meal...which is why I'm making him the odds on favorite to pack his knives first.

So there you have it...insight based on nothing but a picture and stock bios for the next season of Top Chef. I'm already assuming I'll be dead wrong on all my choices, but isn't that the fun of watching competitions like this?

Feel free to give your thoughts in the comments section. And let me know your interest about running some sort of pool before the season starts. If enough people want, perhaps I'll scrounge something together.

Read more!

Links of Interest 7/14

Why did Palin leave office?

A taste test to try and prove (or disprove) if bacon really does make everything better.

A list of great rock and roll documentaries.

Sex scenes that might not be so sexy.

What exactly happened to the notion of space colonies?

Old recipes bringing us new beers.

Bottled water. More expensive…and more deadly!

A look back to New York city in 1969.

Can film criticism be boiled down to a simple equation?

What would your last words be?

Read more!

Links of Interest 7/13

A look at Paul Giamatti.

Can data explain why, as a nation, we’re fat.

Is Ikea really as awesome as you think?

The movie District 9 – cool or stupid?

A list of live shows a pretentious magazine says you should see.

Of elevators and men.

Some lovely examples of taxidermy.

I have to imagine I would be good at this. ‘Tubing.

These cities are old.

Celebrity cameos when they play themselves.

Read more!