Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
FartSandwich The crap I just cleaned out of my refrigerator would make sweet Baby Jesus cry, but mostly because he's a baby. Lots of things scare babies.
DaveHolmes They just played Cypress Hill's "Hits From The Bong" on KCRW. Joan Van Ark has aged better than that song.
SarahKSilverman I'm so shitty with greek mythology. What was Herpes the god of again?
nathanrabin When the rabbi asked us each for a word that best described my late uncle, I probably shouldn't have said "Fergilicious"
rbender Trying to locate my stud finder. I need a stud finder finder.
hotdogsladies Multitasking is like driving or cunnilingus; most people assume they're great at it until they start asking around.
nottjmiller I came here to f*ck bitches and lift weights. And we're all out of bitches. BAM!
adam_cozens These jeans do not effectivly hide my thunder.
yokoono Next time you meet a 'foreigner', remember it's only like a window with a different shape to it and the person who's sitting inside is you.
FartSandwich We are making Shepherd's Pie tonight. We caught and slaughtered the Shepherd ourselves. Man, Irish people are badass.
artichoked Craisins are neither crazy or raisins. It's just a bag of dried cranberries & sugar. More like boringberries.
paulfeig Hot dog martinis! Boil two hot dogs 10 minutes, remove hot dogs, discard, pour hot dog water into glass, top with gin, drink, vomit, repeat.
ScottAukerman Can you set a google alert that goes directly to your penis?
michaelianblack If "l" stands for "love," you can rearrange the letters in Klondike to spell "I L(ove) Dokken." So fucking rad.
thebrianposehn Just saw a dreamcatcher in a Hummer. Obviously, it worked because if you're driving a Hummer all of your dreams have come true.
adamisacson I just emptied a whole clip of bullet points into this memo. Just like a Tarantino movie. A concise one, with main arguments clearly noted.
rainnwilson Got my spleen pierced. Totally fierce tribal stud. Only gonna be appreciated by X-ray technicians, but still...
hotdogsladies I was careless not to specify a less than John Holmes-sized complement of mayo. You win this round, bitter sandwich lady.
steveagee seriously, kudos to the manager of this taco bell for having the balls to play 2 Live Crew "Me So Horny!"
dpressman I've decided to name my penis "Bruce Villanch". I think this will help me with the ladies....and by "ladies", I mean giant gay monsters.
keithwade Apparently the Supreme Court didn't uphold the ruling that R. Kelly can't be played at preschool graduations. File under: Inappropriate.
Jessabelle2o7 I wore a cute little bolero all frigging day and not even ONE PERSON asked me out to a bullfight.
ChrisSpags Four buses passed mine as we waited for a wheelchair to get off. For efficiency, we should push them down a ramp like a soap box derby.
michaelianblack Thinking about taking my wife somewhere for her birthday: because of recent events, I am taking North Korea off the list.
Shmegan Today I'm dressed like Jenny from the block from the waist up and my mom from the waist down.
bigalittlea It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's a new game - find the eye.
mtmodular I just ended an apology email to a friend with "You can spank me now if you want." In hindsight, I should've skipped that.
adamisacson Killing a king is regicide. But killing Regis Philbin would just be homicide. That seems somehow unfair.
dpressman I'm off to finger the landlord in lieu of rent. I hope he's cool with it.
Jim_Hamilton I'm still looking for the puncture wound from the tranquilizer dart that must've put be down yesterday. Or the day before? Where am I?
RonnyBquotes I have family who burned the south from Georgia to the sea. And this was in 1983, on a vacation.
diablocody I am wearing a black T-shirt and black sweatpants at work today. I look like a ninja housewife.
FartSandwich I've eaten a million oysters today. Let's see if I become the guy they warn you about: The four hour boner guy in the Viagra commercial!
debenham Drinking wine and printing out kid's b-day invitations. A lot of people think the Baldwin character in "Glengarry" is based on me.
janiehaddad Thanks Time Warner for not taping tonight's So You Think You Can Dance. Don't enter So You Think You Can Record, cuz you'd lose. Big time.
diplo No offense to my DR and PR gyals but a spanish girls whisperin to you in spanish in spain is one of gods greatest sounds he gave us
jdickerson It was a mistake to buy from the museum case of prepared food at Starbucks. This mango chunk could prop open the door to Buckingham Palace