Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
JephKelley Katy Perry just sang on The Today Show. She has the voice of an angel. ...Having its larynx ripped out by a zombie.
kolchak I guess syfy settled on "imagine greater" as a slogan because "imagine shitty B-movies about giant crocodiles and rock monsters" didn't fit.
theotisjones i bet you skeletor takes the threat of geting skull-fucked more serious than any other megalomanical villian.
adamisacson I'm still using one of those razors with only the three blades. So of course I look like a hobo today.
jdickerson I hadn't checked my horoscope but there it is plain as day: tonight you will have 6 angry trombones and a drum set under your office window.
clubtrillion In case you cared (and why would you?), my plans for the Bachelorette finale tonight include not watching the Bachelorette finale tonight.
therealcherilyn FYI there isn't any golden pot of pot at the end of the rainbow. that dorothy is a lying fucking twat.
BlueLanugo There's sad and then there's Rite-Aid-Manager sad.
JephKelley Nothing about a bad day that a burrito can't fix. God Bless Mexico or Spain or wherever this baby-sized bastard in front of me originated.
davio1962 I do get pleasure from vacuuming up the occasional bug when cleaning the basement. Only kidding. I don’t vacuum. Or clean the basement.
WhatCandyThinks I’m thinking that if you are waiting for Jesus, you should be hiding those crosses before the sight of them scares him back to death again.
rbender Tonight I saw "Harry Potter and the Two Hours of Awkward Teen Sexual Frustration".
mookiewilson86 First Tony Bernazard, now Omar Minaya's challenged someone to a fight? The Mets have become West Side Story. Only much, much, much, gayer.
xrayedman The bluebird of hapiness left me some time ago. The chicken of despair is now my constant companion.
AndyD215 There's been a fruit fly flying around my room for two weeks. I've named him "asshole".
FriedWords Not sure my wife appreciates my new Dukes of Hazzard move where I freeze right before climax & say, "How the boys gonna get outta this one?"
lefauxfrog I like to wear t-shirts adorned with photos of people wearing t-shirts ironically.
Rayke The thing about my apartment building being littered with ducks and hobos is that dropping a single piece of bread makes for blood-sport.
blueeyeddeb Coworker to me: Where did you get the coconut M & M's, the store? Me: No, I planted seeds. She didn't laugh as much as I thought she would.
davio1962 There are two kinds of people in this world. One that can maintain their train of thought
xrayedman Thinking back on it, Smell ya later poop-sicle was probably not the best way to end that conference call.
DougBeatty Things I think about while driving: Did Weird Al already make an Ikea joke song for "The Sweetest Thing"? What rhymes with Allen Wrench?
xrayedman As the 2 boys crawled home bruised and battered they had learned a lesson--drinking milk straight from the cow was harder than it sounded
michaelianblack Devastated that Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush broke up before I could popularize my nickname for them: Rimmy Karbushian.
NotGiamatti On the way home, Billy Squire's "Lonely Is the Night" came on the radio. I had forgotten that song existed. I will never forgive you , WYSP.
amynicole21 Oreos and rum & coke for dinner. Sometimes it's not completely horrible being a grownup.
keithwade Do not like to hear about major storms and power outages back home while on vacation. Hard to enjoy myself not knowing if my DVR is working.
Kathy_L Time for a workout. I'm going to sweat like Kirstie Alley in a room full of whiskey and crumb cakes.
Kathy_L Just killed an ant that I probably could have counted as a dependent on my taxes based on its size. I guess it's time for an exterminator.
xrayedman A great example to that American can-do spirit is the ability of the people with some of the the lowest IQs on the planet to cook meth.
sherriva I was told by my son that the Journey song I was listening to was "elderly music" so I traded him in for a puppy.
diplo I'm wearin a cowboy hat ridin a wild boar thru oahu
adamisacson If you hear them simultaneously, Coldplay and my voicemail sound like an overwrought concept album about a guy who misses deadlines.
xrayedman Got stuck behind a log truck on a 2 lane road in a thunderstorm. To pass the time we played the "how many ways can we die" game.
FriedWords My 3 yr old's nose keeps bleeding. Worried he may actually be a vampire with a cold, which doesn't bode well for the height of my genitals.
blaine23 Held the elevator for unappreciative ladies who took forever to cross the lobby. I believe I've earned enough karma to murder with impunity.
yokoono All of us are 90% water. Make an effort to clean that water and keep it clean, so it will be an oasis for yourself and for the world.
chucknoritz When I woke up this banana was lodged in my ear and the other end was coming out of my ass! It's 2 different bananas? Oh man, you got me!
mmmeghan Eating pizza, watching the Dark Knight, looking at porn...you know, typical work day stuff.
JephKelley Some days, you're the windshield. Others, the bug. Unless you're a bug from Starship Troopers, which would frigging wreck a windshield.
jimgaffigan I was going to eat popcorn but to save time I just rammed things in between my teeth.
kolchak Logging onto facebook. I've been dying to see my friends lists of top 5 cars all day.
diplo http://twitpic.com/c7gxt - i just seen this out side my hotel in hawaii...!! yuk!!
kolchak And just think, if all of our doctors were like Patch Adams, we'd have a lot of doctor murdering incidents.
hendge I can't believe Pablo Sandoval is a 3rd baseman. He looks like he ate the 3rd baseman. Kung Fu Panda indeed. (I hate that nickname).
nhmagpie “Chilling out” in Japanese is only disemboweling & slicing off 3 people's heads. If you then laugh, it's considered casual Friday.
FriedWordsMy 3 year-old thought it'd be funny to poke his mom in the ass with a stick. "Trust me son, mommy really doesn't like that."