Wednesday, November 2, 2011

#wildlyoverrated: Ice Cream Cakes

Lots of people like cake.

Lots of people like ice cream.

But an insane number of people talk about ice cream cake in tones usually reserved for being blown by someone with a mouth full of gummy worms and heroin.

I don’t get it.

In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that Ice Cream Cakes are #wildlyoverrated.


I know what you’re thinking to yourself, “Good lord, I have a lot of Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. Thankfully, the world economy is about to collapse and these will soon be recognized as valid currency.”

Or, less interestingly from a socio-economic perspective, “That Cline, he’s just a hater. It’s a lot easier to curse the dark then light a candle. Also, I think in mangled clich├ęs.”

But for just a moment, let’s step outside the syphilitic tollbooth your brain has devolved into and consider ice cream cakes.

Start with the parental motivation. Sheer laziness. I’m not saying you need to make a red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting (all from scratch). Forget for a second that I have done that on numerous occasions for fun and profit. But I’ve known sciatica-riddled 2nd-graders who were capable of throwing some eggs towards a box of Betty Crocker and cranking out a half-decent pile of Funfetti. And I can only blame the sissification of America for rendering parents’ wrists too flimsy to scoop out some ice cream to go on top of the cake.

Next, the ingredients.  I’ve yet to find an ice cream cake that didn’t use rock-hard, sub-standard ice cream for 75% of its substance. I didn’t realize that the government had branched out from its wildly successful cheese operation into the world of dairy-centric desserts.  The rest was dry, crumbly cake that was not only mediocre, but teeth-destroying cold. Who likes cold cake? I mean, other than Ron Paul.

I know you’re nostalgic for days full of promise and wonder and not knowing what the phrase “garnish your wages” or “between the hours of 8 and noon” really meant. But peer past the gauzy romantification of your equally overrated youth. Behind the gauze lies mediocrity. And beyond that, hey, it’s an ice cream cake!

I will give ice cream cakes one point in the “Pro” column. But that’s only because the Carvel commercials from my youth have not lost their whatthefuckamiwatchingness.


Fudgie the Whale goes on the Mount Rushmore of Carvel legends, along with Cookie Puss, Cookie O’ Puss, and Tommy Carvel’s lawyer. Hey, those pedophilia cases aren’t going to throw themselves out based on technicalities by themselves, ya know.

Standard-issue Carvel wackiness, this time centered around Halloween:

Huh. These cakes look eerily similar to Fudgie the Whale and both of the Halloween ones. Pretty sure all the Carvels in each state shared the same 3 molds.

This is a terrible stereotype of Irish people made of sugar. Luckily they’re usually drunk and diabetic, so it’s not a big deal.

And then there’s this.

2 comments:

mndleftbod said...

Love ice cream cake. Not much "cake" in it other than those awesome but weird eclair crumbles in the center.

Having children, I have attended enough birthday parties they offer me the obligatory piece of pizza and cake/ice cream. The thing I hate the most about cake and ice cream, I have a tough time deciding what utensil to use eating it. It is tough enough to eat it off a paper plate, but cake sucks to eat with a spoon and the ice cream sucks to eat with a fork. Pretty sure even a spork wouldn't solve my problem, ice cream cake does solve my problem.

Anonymous said...

Thought I was the only one in the world who didn't care for ice cream cake. I don't get the big deal about it either. Frosting is also much better on regular cakes. Go get yourself a nice batter cake with frosting on top that actually tastes like something or if you can, make one of those for yourself at home. Then go buy some Blue Bell at the grocery store. Best of both worlds!