F/M/K Will Never Get Old

Before today, I had never heard about the column, Sophie's Choice on the Hairpin. Shockingly, I had never been to the Hairpin before. That's not an indictment on me being a male and having an aversion to female-centric blogs, it has more to do with, by my count, there are over 16 blogs on the Internet - way too many for me to individually visit. And, while I surf the 'net at least 18 hours a day, some content is going to slip through the cracks.

Anyway, the Sophie's Choice column, written by Julie Klausner and Natasha Vargas-Cooper, two successful authors with books (not sure I needed to add the "with books" there, but I'm going with it for now), takes 3 famous people with a similar thread, and analytically breaks down who you would "fuck, marry and kill."

Fuck, Marry, Kill is a great parlor game (seriously my aunt actually has a parlor, and boy did the atmosphere of that room enhance gaming), for people to break out at parties, taking turns inserting attractive and unattractive celebrities and struggling over the hypothetical (hopefully) actions you would take with each.

In one of their columns, the two authors take Bill Murray, Steve Martin and Chevy Chase to task. Three men I would probably say at one time or another in my life I would consider to have idol status. Now, I won't divulge their conclusions and reasoning, because you should read it for yourself. It's worth it.

But I did think it was interesting enough for me to reason out within my psyche.

Many people, I believe would start right off the bat and tag Bill Murray with the "marry" label. He's the bee's knees for a lot of people right now, with his off-kilter, non-conformist approach to the way he handles himself. He also is a critics' darling and seemingly picks his roles based on what he wants to do, which goes against what we think normal Hollywood stars and actors do. (To tell the truth, I have no expertise on how stars pick their roles!) So choosing "marry" for Bill Murray certainly wouldn't get you strange looks in the parlor, and would probably receive a lot of agreement.

The same might also be said for "killing" Chevy Chase. Minus his recent semi-resurgence with his casting on NBC's Community, his career trajectory looks almost like the opposite of Bill Murray's. Failed late night shows and bizarre, brash behavior over the years, doesn't help his cause.

And what about Steve Martin? His career has EKG'ed the last 30 years, taking bizarre turns through novels, plays and, most recently, art collecting. His movie The Jerk is considered a classic, but after that what are his huge movie roles? Planes, Trains and Automobiles? Great, yes, but how much of that greatness is shouldered by the late, great John Candy?

Roxanne? A nice little romantic comedy that men can get behind because of Mr. Martin's performance, but no one is going to defend it from being labeled a chick flick.

My Blue Heaven? Again, a great role for Mr. Martin (playing a mob guy? I thought he was brilliant) but again, not the huge, generation defining title a movie like Caddyshack or National Lampoon's Vacation is.

Uh oh. This is a little trickier than I first thought.

The Decision

Ok, right off the bat. I'm going to say I fuck Bill Murray. The more I think about it, the more he seems the perfect candidate for that. Hip, cool, unpredictable, mysterious...all characteristics of a one-night stand. He's the husband every girl swoons over, and can't understand why his wife doesn't seem to share in their weird enthusiasm. (Quick aside - I know men should deservedly be considered pigs when speaking about attractive women when they are together, but not enough has been said about what happens when women do the same. It can be like a group of hyenas achieving a simultaneous orgasm. At least that's what I imagine that would sound like. But I digress...)

I think however, to move Mr. Murray up into the marriage category would be a mistake for everyone. His personality is simply too strange and unique to be harnessed. He can't handle it, and so how can anyone else assume to handle it? And yet of course, there's simply no way I could "kill" him...

So that leaves Mr. Martin and Mr. Chase for the two remaining categories. And that's where it gets tough. So I'll get right to it.

I'd "kill" Steve Martin.

I know. Sacrilegious on about a thousand different levels. And I'm sure, even though I'll say it has nothing to do with it, people are going to think it's because of the recent dustup he had with his art talk. It doesn't. It has more to do with his inconsistent track record of movies. I mean, don't get me wrong, I will always love him for stuff like this...

But then there's this...

It's bad enough to be involved in a remake of a classic movie. But then to do a sequel...I cringe. I simply cringe.

That leaves me with marrying Chevy Chase. And I'm ok with that. Sure, there would be a few rocky patches (The Chevy Chase Show, Memoirs of an Invisible Man, Cops and Robbersons), but the good far outweigh the bad (Fletch, Caddyshack, Modern Problems (yes, I said Modern Problems), Foul Play, early SNL stuff, and on and on...). It's for those reasons that I look back fondly on Mr. Chase, and would have no problem marrying him.