Battle of the Network Stars - May 1978

If one were to believe Battle of the Network Stars ever jumped the shark (and I want to make it painfully clear that I don't believe that in any way; sure I might be disappointed with some of the directions they chose to go during the years, but I understand a format for a show like this can't be set in stone) one could argue that it happened when some idiot decided not to do everything possible to get Telly Savalas back.

The repercussions of this decision are twofold. The viewer missed out on subtle, biting commentary, and also got stuck with his replacement, Suzanne Somers. Nothing against Somers; she's easy on the eyes and does a serviceable, if vanilla job. Had she been cast as a color commentator at the beginning of the BotNS run, there obviously would not have been a high water mark to compare her to. But because Savalas left his mark both competing and providing color commentary, we are left only with "what ifs."

And those what ifs hurt this battle.

Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do. We must live with the banality that is Suzanne Somers, and devote more of our our attention toward the competition. As always, it enthralls and infuriates; makes us laugh and makes us question many actors' athleticism. It's the Battle of the Network Stars May 1978, and the formula hasn't changed a bit...



Let's meet the competitors:

Team ABC

Gabe Kaplan (captain)
Debbie Boone
Daryl Dragon (better known as "The Captain")
Kene Holliday
Parker Stevenson ("The Ivy League Hustler" as Cosell refers to him)
Toni Tenille
Cheryl Tiegs
Steve Landesberg

Team CBS

Tony Randall (captain)
Kevin Dobson (like a pimply-faced college frosh being passed a bowl packed with Acapulco Gold for the first time in his life, this is a new Kevin Dobson stepping onto the field of competition for CBS)
Denise Nicholas
MacKenzie Phillips
Victoria Principal
Bo Svenson
Jimmie Walker

Team NBC

Richard Benjamin (captain)
Rhonda Bates
Jane Curtin (playing the role of Loretta Swit)
Dennis Dugan
Melissa Gilbert
Arte Johnson
Lance Kerwin
James MacArthur
Larry Wilcox

At first glance it looks like an underwhelming bunch. Repeated glances don't help. I mean I had to look up Richard Benjamin, and I still don't know who he is (ok, yes I recognized him from Saturday the 14th, but I'm not sure who else would). And he's a captain? Anyone think NBC might be phoning this one in? Aside from Kaplan, Stevenson (probably there to score Hollywood ass), Randall and Jimmie Walker, the personalities stayed away from the Pepperdine campus this year. Somewhere Robert Conrad punches a wall not knowing why he's so angry (well, angrier than usual).

And the addition of Randall is a subtle slap in the face of all Savalas fans. I apologize for continuing to harp on this, but it's obvious Randall's involvement is the producers' way of trying to replace the Savalas wit everyone has come to enjoy. I like Randall as much as the next guy, and appreciate his tireless work in the role of Felix Unger, but he doesn't carry the same panache as Savalas.

Part of me hopes he gave the producers a list of demands to appear on the show, and that there was a crazy argument about him needing to be captain or he wouldn't do it. Could you imagine that conversation? Or the conversation between the producers and Jimmie Walker, stripping him of the C? Ok, I might be reading a little too much into this right now.

Enough - let's get on to the competition...

Event #1 - Swimming

Right off the bat, it's easy to see the fix is in. Bo Svenson clearly false starts, hitting the water before the other teams are introduced. The Captain does pull a cagey move in the pool though(strange he went with the nickname Captain, when the grand slam choice is sitting right there. "The Dragon and Tenille?" That's not a 70s soft rock act - that's a decade defining supergroup that sells out arenas) after losing his hat in the water. Somehow he knew he would most likely lose his hat during the race, so he had Tenille at the other end of the pool ready with a replacement as soon as he got out of the water. There couldn't have been more than 2 seconds of hatless Captain. I can't tell if it was for schtick or vanity.

CBS wins in a snoozer.

Results after swimming:

CBS - 100
ABC - 75
NBC - 50

Event #2 - Rowing

It's simple...if you have a former Ivy League crewman on your team, you're going to have a stranglehold on this event. ABC wins the race before it begins. CBS doesn't help itself by putting Jane Curtin in a boat for this race. I would be willing to bet the only reason she's there is she needed some extra coin that month.

At the end of the race Randall makes some half-assed protest (poorly echoing some of Savalas' earlier, shrewder tactics) and uses a bunch of big words posturing a bit for the cameras, enough for the commissioner of the competition, Mickey King an Olympic diver - allegedly) comes out and assesses no penalties. Of course not.

So after the rowing...

ABC - 100
NBC - 75
CBS - 50

Event #3 - Frisbee

A new event to BotNS, the game is played with teams of two facing each other and throwing the frisbee back and forth. 2 points are rewarded per catch; 1 point is rewarded to the opposing team for a miss. And reading that description was more exciting than watching it. Because of that, we get a slow motion montage as a Cosell voiceover gives us the results. Included in the montage is a nice slow motion shot of Bo Svenson trying - and failing - to catch a frisbee with his teeth.

Frisbee results:

CBS - 100
ABC - 75
NBC - 50

Event #4 - Obstacle Course

Making up for the poor frisbee event, the producers give us an early heat of Cheryl Tiegs vs. Victoria Principal, and I'm going to call it the most attractive matchup in BotNS history (at least so far). It's almost enough of a distraction to make me miss hearing Cosell mention that Bo Svenson hurt his shoulder in the frisbee event. Almost. Strangely we get no slow motion of that, which leads me to believe, "hurting himself in the frisbee event," is code for "hitting on Pepperdine coeds on the other side of campus."

It didn't however, distract me from hearing Cosell use the phrase "Oh Good lord, how terrible" to describe Rhonda Bates effort going through the course. Bates, a tall, lanky woman who apparently was on a television show in the 70s loses to Melissa Gilbert.

But nothing beats the Larry Wilcox/Kevin Dobson race, where Wilcox, forgetting that Dobson has the determination of a pitbull on crystal meth, eases up right before the end to give the Kojak star a chance to fully layout at the tape in an attempt to steal victory. Looking at the photo finish , I'm still not sure it showed conclusive evidence of Wilcox winning the race, but I'm sure Micky King was right on top of things.

But don't let him be the judge. Take a look for yourself...



Women's final heat gave us Melissa Gilbert vs. Victoria Principal. Gilbert wins easily. The mens' heat has Lance Kerwin vs. Kevin Dobson, which doesn't make sense to me, since Wilcox beat him...unless Micky King made a mistake and tried to correct it. It's never made clear. I don't care though because I'm fully enjoying the Kevin Dobson era.

Unfortunately, his terminatoresque drive betrays him at the wall, where he awkwardly slams into the wall at full force, tangling himself up in the ropes, giving Kerwin an easy win. Something tells me that lapse will not sit well with Dobson, and he'll come back strong...

Obstacle Course results:

NBC - 100
CBS - 75
ABC - 50

After 4 events, CBS holds a 25 point lead over ABC, with the Conradless NBC somehow stumbling into 275 points.

Event #5 - Running

Much like the rowing, ABC dominates the running. Except where a ringer gives ABC the edge in the water, Kaplan's guile and craftiness lead the charge on the oval.

This race is no different.

Kaplan sets his runners up perfectly, matching his strengths up against the other teams' weaknesses. Even when Jimmie Walker gives CBS a large early lead, ABC chips away. The competition's biggest moment is when Parker Stevenson, in the middle of his lap, turns his ankle yet still holds his lead.

It also doesn't hurt that Kenne Holliday, running anchor for ABC looks as though he would be comfortable chasing down Usain Bolt. I'd also like to openly question CBS' decision to have Arte Johnson participate, who, up to this point had been doing nothing but cutting "humorous" segments in the pool. He must have seen Billy Crystal's reel from battles' past and wanted to copy his success.

Running results:

ABC - 100
CBS - 75
NBC - 50

Simon Sez

I realize that many people loved the Simon Sez competitions, fondly remembering the hijinks "master Simon Sez guy" Len Goldstein from some resort in the Catskills would get the celebrities into. If only the memories were as good as the actual event. Labeled "non-competitive," the only thing the Simon Sez game was good for was to see how creeped out Cheryl Tiegs was when Arte Johnson (definitely not creeped out) fell onto her.


Event #6 - Football

Again, I question the strategies of the teams, namely CBS' decision to use Tony Randall in the football event. That seems like an idea Dobson would squash immediately. In fact, I would have loved to have been there when Randall told Dobson he wanted to play football. Even the new Dobson had to have a moment of murderous rage pass through his head before collecting himself and giving the thumbs up, and heading back to the players' lounge to hastily come up with a new gameplan. Serious as a heart attack, we later see Dobson giving teammates some last minute pointers; his teammates too afraid to do anything else but nod along. This is the Kevin Dobson I'm used to!

During one of the matches, Cosell utters the phrase "Good defensive play by Toni Tenille!" and promptly sets himself on fire. Or at least wishes he could light himself on fire. CBS is given a lot of camera time in this event, which leads me to believe they will win the whole shebang. First, we're given highlights of Dobson throwing strikes to his receivers; later on we see him hauling in hail marys from James MacArthur. While not quite a Jordan-like performance, it is impressive. Let's say it's Dana Barrosesque - when Dana Barros played for the Sixers in the late 90s with a bunch of guys that also cleaned the arena after the dozens of fans left. It's at this point that I fully believe Dobson has continued acting primarily to compete in these Battles.

Total scores after Football:

CBS - 500
ABC - 475
NBC - 375

Event #7 - Tug o' War?

It's possible my bootleg DVD copy skipped over some events (what - no dunk tank?) but I don't think so. The Tug o' War certainly snuck up on everyone in this broadcast. I thought the Cheryl Tiegs profile midway through the show seemed like longer-than-normal filler, but I didn't fully put it all together until this point. Regardless, CBS and ABC are facing off in the tug o' war. Kevin "Karl Malone" Dobson is licking his chops looking over at the scrawny ABC lineup for this event, realizing he can finally get his ring. Here are the teams:

ABC

Landesberg (the guy from Barney Miller; not this guy; this guy)
The Captain
Holliday
Stevenson
Kaplan (the anchor)

CBS

MacArthur
Randall
Walker
Svenson
Dobson

Alright, so maybe Randall and Walker aren't helping much here, but Svenson is a big boy and Dobson is closer to victory than ever before. He's not letting his team lose. Those two alone beat any lineup ABC throws at them.

Somers shows her bias by siding with the scrawny ABC team, while all the smart money squarely resides on CBS. It doesn't hurt that apparently everyone on CBS is wearing football cleats for the event. For whatever reason, Lynn Swann, the referee (Mickey King had a diving meet?) allows it.

I think it takes CBS 90 seconds to get their flag across the water, and that even seemed a little long. Kaplan, humble as always walks over to Svenson (hey he knows who tipped the scales) and tells him the deserving team won. If I were Carter (Jimmy not Linda - lord knows what she offered Kaplan back when she was on the team), I would have immediately offered the Secretary of State position to him after watching that. Oh well, there's a reason he was only a one-termer.

And so ends the 4th Battle of the Network Stars. Dobson got zen on us (or at least just grew a beard), got the monkey off his back, and carried CBS to victory. Randall might have been the captain on paper, but Dobson was the captain in all their hearts. I feel good for him, and feel good for his Kojak cast...I can only assume the set became a little looser after May of 1978. Congratulations Kevin Dobson and the CBS team!

The Battle of the Network Stars - 1977

It's a sad day here at The Popcorn Trick.

About 11 seconds after ejecting the DVD holding the epic 1976 Battle of the Network Stars, I scrambled over to the homemade case of DVDs boasting the entire BotNS series to throw in the next Battle from February, 1977.

As my DVDs weren't clearly labeled (2 DVDs came in an envelope labeled "1 & 2;" after that, my supplier obviously assumed I didn't need any more specifics and I was left to sift through a pile of identical, unlabeled DVDs) I simply grabbed the next one out of the box and hit play.

It was not the February 1977 battle.

After checking wikipedia to get a list of the players involved in each of the battles, I meticulously went through each DVD checking for this now elusive 1977 battle. No luck. Dejected, I realized while I should have 19 DVDs, I counted only 18. Thinking perhaps my brother was playing a cruel joke on me (actually hoping, since it would mean I could recover the lost episode) I called him. No luck there either.

After countless emails to the original seller went unanswered, I found myself retelling this story to a coworker (it's an exciting office!) one day. He mentioned he had the exact same set and would happily lend me his DVDs to allow me to copy the missing ep. and complete the set. Overjoyed, I took him up on his generous offer.

Now, I'm unsure what it is exactly I've done to insult whatever god or being or power that controls this universe, but it must have been something egregious, because upon checking my coworkers DVDs, I saw that he too had the same 18 count that I had. Still I ran through his, in meek hope that he might be missing a different episode. Still no luck.

So it is here I sit, a broken man, missing what I deem an essential episode in the Battle canon. Essential, as it returns the captains (Kaplan, Conrad, Savala), the key players (Hatch, Dobson, Ron Howard et al) and also introduces some new, larger than life participants. But that's not the half of it. I think this missing DVD also contains the evidence of one of the biggest conspiracies since Van Duren found himself with the answers before the taping. Evidence? Read on...

As you can see here on the wikipedia page for Battle of the Network Stars, every episodes cast is listed. Now compare the casts for 1976 and 1977...seems innocent enough until you get to NBC. The only returning players are Robert Conrad and Karen Grassle (who, if you remember in the 1976 controversial running race, "misremembered" what happened, supporting Conrad's version of the race). Unusual to say the least, but understandable...new shows get picked up in the Fall and there may have been a larger turnaround to allow a new crew of actors to sign up. Except for one thing - only three months had gone by between the 1976 battle and the February 1977 Battle.

After watching Conrad's maniacal performance in the original Battle, it wouldn't surprise me if he had actually gone to the NBC executives and handpicked his team from the stable of stars. Dan Haggerty alone (Grizzly Man), could ensure a huge point swing into NBC's favor (as we'll see in the next Battle). Add Kurt Russell and W.K. Stratton (co-star of Conrad's on Baa Baa Black Sheep) and suddenly this crackpot theory gains some momentum.

Sadly, as of right now, I don't have the video footage I need to confirm my beliefs. I'm not even sure who won in February 1977, which obviously would be damning evidence if it happened to be NBC. All I have are DVDs of every other Battle, so instead of crying about this anymore (which I've done plenty of behind the scenes) I'll simply move forward, starting with the November 1977 Battle.

Battle of the Network Stars - 1977

Good news and bad news at the beginning. The good news is that all three captains are back. The bad news is that Conrad has demoted himself to simply a participant, and Telly Savalas is not competing, rather he has been given the role of oil to Cosell's water as a co-host of the festivities. Actually, this probably isn't bad news as it gives Savalas' wit more room to roam. I couldn't be happier with the current setup.

The Teams

ABC

Gabe Kaplan (captain)

Fred Berry (???)

Billy Crystal

Chris DeRose

Victor French

Cheryl Ladd

Kristy McNichol

Penny Marshall

Suzanne Somers

Parker Stevenson

NBC

Dan Haggerty (captain)

Robert Conrad

Elinor Donahue

Patrick Duffy

Peter Isacksen

Lance Kerwin

Donna MIlls

Belinda Montgomery

Michelle Phillips

Larry Wilcox

CBS

Jimmie Walker (captain)

Adrienne Barbeau

Valerie Bertinelli

Kevin Dobson

Jamie Farr

Caren Kaye

James MacArthur

James Vincent McNichol

Loretta Swit

Lyle Waggoner

(Quick aside: This is Loretta Swit's 3rd appearance, and I think I've seen her a combined 4 seconds on screen. Unless she was the lynchpin of the February team, it seems to me she probably lived about 5 minutes away from Pepperdine and liked picking up checks.)

The show starts out with "network executives" getting down to business and speaking of the seriousness of this battle. Jimmie Walker is positioned early as having a yacht. It's hard for me to believe. Finally the familiar, dulcet tones of Howard Cosell come on and after we're treated to the introduction of Telly Savalas as a co-host (along with the returning Bruce Jenner (who surprisingly does a good job of mixing subtle humor and actual analysis in his commentating) and David Marr (who collects a paycheck for 6 minutes of work on the golf event and is never seen again)) we're ready to get started.

Event #1: Swimming Relay

Roger Goodman stays with his recipe and gives us nice tight shots of Adrienne Barbeau in a swimsuit. I'm guessing her contract stipulates she be involved in the swimming event regardless of her swimming ability. Glancing at the male competitors it appears many of them have shaved their chest; whether it's for the race or normal grooming practices for Hollywood stars of the 70s is unclear. What is clear is that Jamie Farr did not shave his chest. Or maybe he did and it just came in thicker...a lot thicker.

As ABC wins going away, on the strength of Parker Stevenson, a graduate of Princeton University and a member of their crew team (I predict we'll be seeing him in the rowing competition), Cosell informs us NBC captain Dan Haggerty recently fell off his motorcycle riding over 50 mph.

Event #2: The Obstacle Course

Nary a change has been made to the course which is just the way I like it. That way, runs from previous competitions can be measured against one another, and there are no variables involved. The surprisingly adept Penny Marshall is back, but she faces some stiff competition in Michelle Phillips, who we're informed was a member of the Mamas and the Papas. Not the one that enjoyed ham sandwiches.

Regardless, Michelle Phillips starts off great, before hurdling herself into the wall, and possibly hurting her ankle. It's unclear just how badly she's hurt, as she runs again in the next heat and ultimately wins the whole shebang. Cosell throws it down to Savalas to see if he can get any answers, but he replies, "When a girl's running, I look at other things..." Ok, so he won't be winning any investigative journalist awards, but can you blame him?

On the men's side of things, Cosell slowly builds up the legend of Billy Crystal's athletic prowess, seconds before we see him falter on every obstacle on the course, and finish dead last.



That sets up Patrick Duffy and Jim McNichol in the finals (and I'm pretty sure both McNichol siblings wished they hadn't performed on the Mike Douglas show, as we're treated to a little bit of that trainwreck), where Duffy sets a new course record of 19.9 seconds.

So, after two events, all three networks are tied with 150 points.

Event #3: Bowling

Bowling? I guess it's a sport. Anyway, here's the first place we see Savalas openly rooting for CBS, as he gives Barbeau advice. Of course, he also might just want to be close to Barbeau, and who can blame him?

I'm also pretty sure that Vegas wouldn't take your bet if you wanted odds on Conrad bowling without a shirt.

Because bowling is inherently boring as a televised sport, the producers are left to find other ways to kill time, and so we're treated to Crystal's first Muhamed Ali impression (I'm pretty sure he's contractually obligated to do this). Afterward he does pick up a ridiculous split for a spare so there's that. NBC winds up winning vaulting them into the overall lead.

Event #4: Rowing

Though I never want to question Kaplan's strategy, he puts Parker Stevenson 2nd in the rowing competition. He might be the only out there that has actually been in a boat! Of course, my questioning looks silly as ABC wins the race by a full pool length. We also are treated to a rare Loretta Swit appearance, as she stands by the pool and cheers.

Event #5: Golf

Ahh, here's where we get the expert insight of Favid Marr's commentary. Aside from some slow motion golf shots of the ladies and Jamie Farr, the highlight of the golf event is the profile on Fred Berry, which begins at a place called Disco 9000 in New York. There's Berry on the dance floor, showing off moves for everyone. He also suggests one of his favorite hobbies is horseback riding, which I take as a joke, but Cosell takes with complete seriousness. I'm unsure who's right.

Somehow ABS wins, and CBS and NBC tie.

Event #6: Running

Always a crowd pleaser is the running relay. The teams are introduced, with Kevin Dobson seemingly having the same disposition as a serial killer dismembering a prostitute. I'd hate to be his teammate.

Kaplan employs a brilliant strategy of having his women run their legs first, and anchoring them with the men, which of course works and has ABC dominating the race. For some reason Chris DeRose (pardon me if I have no idea what show he is from) runs the last leg of the race in bare feet. I have no idea. I was also disappointed to see neither Kaplan nor Conrad compete, but I think there's too much honest to goodness tension there and it would have ended poorly. So ABC wins with NBC second and CBS bringing up the rear. We now get an overall score update, with ABC in the lead with 525 points, NBC with 437.5 points and CBS with 387.5 points.

Wait, what?

I have no idea where half points came into play, or how why the scores appear to be so random. It was explained earlier in the show that first place received 100 points, second 75, and third 50. But the score were flashed up on screen, with nary a comment from Cosell, Savalas, Jenner, or Marr (and you would think Marr could be doing something at this point, since his only work so far has been 38 seconds of golf commentary explaining how he thought the celebrities would have a difficult time chipping. Thanks for coming Marr).

Event #7: Dunk Tank

I'm a little worries when the dunk tank starts, as the last time it was on, it dragged on forever. However, by the third Battle, it seems Goodman got the knack of filming this event, and cut it down significantly, which is good, because there are only so many times Jamie Farr can get dunked before it loses all value of entertainment.

That's not to say we don't get to see Jamie Farr get dunked a lot.

Farr, in a speedo, a collared shirt and what may or may not be a life vest made of hair underneath, gamely steps into the booth for CBS, with ABC up to throw. Immediately, the integrity of the event gets called into question as a Penny Marshall misses the target, yet Jamie Farr still gets dunked. I think after the original battle, when the target had to be hit with a missle for someone to fall in, the producers may have tweaked it. Anyway, it is here, in the seventh event where we are introduced to this battle's celebrity commissioner, Frank Robinson. I'm not sure what his responsibilities are, but there you go. He certainly doesn't seem fazed by the questionable hair trigger dunk tank. ABC wins again, and now the scores after 7 are:

ABC 625

NBC 500

CBS 450

Yeah, I have no idea either.

Event #8: Football

Oh, glorious football. I assume with the popularity of Monday Night Football, everyone figured they could cash in by introducing this into the competition. Basically you have a QB and 2 receivers who go out and try to score a touchdown, with defenders. QB can only be rushed after a 3 second count, which is a non-factor.

Barbeau looks visibly nervous receiving instruction from Dobson before the start of the first heat. ABC takes on CBS and were treated to only highlights. It appears Kaplan (QB) took apart the CBS defense.

That leaves CBS and NBC to battle it out to see who goes up against ABC in the finals. Dobson starts at QB and starts throwing 10 yard outs to his receivers, well short of the endzone. Sure, the catches score him some points (2 for each catch) but since touchdowns are worth 5, it hardly seems like a wise strategy.

Dan Haggerty proves me right by basically throwing 2 touchdowns and beating CBS. In the finals, while ABC makes a valiant effort (Marshall and Ladd drop 2 in the endzone!) but no one can figure out how to stop Isacksen and his 8'4" height. It's no contest and NBC wins an gets the honor of taking on ABC in the tug 'o war.

Event #9: Tug 'o War

Here's a beautiful thing...here are the standings heading into the tug 'o war:

ABC 700

NBC 600

CBS 500

So, if NBC wins, there would be a tie for first place. However, in the BotNS bylaws, in the event of a tie, the team with the most individual first place finishes is declared the winner. Actually, I have no idea if there are BotNS bylaws, but Cosell explained this as though there were, so let's go with it. So ABC wins, regardless of the tug 'o war outcome. Of course, everyone still wants a tug 'o war, so the producers on the spot ante up $1000 per player for the winner of this event. I love it! No controversy, no silly judgement calls...they just throw more money at them.

Looking at the squads, the early money favorites are NBC. Dan Haggerty might be able to win by himself. The man has a physique. On the other side yo have people like Billy Crystal and Parker Stevenson...athletes to be sure, but c'mon.

And the paper champion also is the real champion as NBC demolishes the smaller ABC team and wins themselves an extra $1000. I'm also pretty sure Dan Haggerty is half bear.

Conrad gets interviewed and he announces his retirement, saying it's a young man's sport. I have a sneaking suspicion however that this isn't the last we'll see of this wild man.

And so winds up another Battle, with ABC on top again. While not nearly as much controversy as the initial battle, this one still had plenty of entertainment value and plenty to talk about. Sadly, this also appears to be the last one Telly Savalas participated in. Mr. Savalas, you will be missed.

For your enjoyment - a lovely Cheryl Ladd montage from this episode. Though she didn't do much, it's never a bad thing to enjoy watching Cheryl Ladd...

Remembering Battle of the Network Stars

Don't know what The Battle of the Network Stars is? Then I weep for you. Long before MTV started having the casts of Road Rules and The Real World competing against one another in a series of athletic events, the Big 3 (NBC, ABC, CBS) did the exact same thing with their prime time stars.

Though the network stars last battled in 1988, (after 19 titanic conflicts, starting back in 1976) it never strayed too far from my consciousness. Ever since that last battle, I always hoped some network would be crazy enough to resurrect this glorious competition. Unfortunately, with the cable channel explosion diluting talent and television star salaries escalating past a point where a couple extra thousand dollars would be seen as a nice bonus and not simply an extravagant lunch, Battle of the Network Stars is destined to live on only in memories. Until now...

A few months ago, I stumbled across a rather sketchy online auction selling all 19 seasons of BotNS – for the incredibly low price of $35. $35 to relive my childhood cooped up in front of my television? I quickly contacted the seller and prayed he actually had the DVDs, and wasn't some guy simply lying to get some cash for his next heroin kick.

I was in luck; the seller's vices became immaterial to me just a short week later as I was met with a package on my doorstep. My DVDs had arrived.

I immediately popped the 1976 inaugural season DVD into the player, nervous about whether it would meet the expectations my memory created, or simply snip one of the few last remaining strands connected to my childhood.

My anxiety, I'’m happy to say was unwarranted. Battle of the Network Stars is everything I remembered, and oh so much more. Its blend of reality television, pure competition and cheesiness of unathletic people attempting to perform in athletic events is more than the perfect storm –- it’s the perfect supernova of awesomeness.

Now, I'’m not the only fan of Battle of the Network Stars; Bill Simmons, a.k.a. The Sports Guy on ESPN.com has written a few times about his love affair with the show. However, I am ready to become the de facto expert of Battle of the Network Stars on the web. And I’'m ready to start now.

So, without further adieu...

The 1976 Battle of the Network Stars

Back in 1976 cable television didn't exist for the nuclear family. Sure, rich people may have been able to get off their couch, walk over to their tv and turn the dial to Home Box Office, before going off to swim in their indoor pool of money, but the rest of society got their entertainment from 3 stations: ABC, CBS, and NBC (sure there were also a couple UHF channels and PBS, but honestly, who wanted to see McNeil nor Lehrer struggle over a wall in the obstacle course?). So to make The Battle of the Network Stars a reality didn't take as much effort as one might think. It probably happened over a power lunch, or a coke orgy.

But enough about the sociological landscape. We're here for nostalgia and nerdom (actually, this probably ranks lower than any nerdom). Let's get into the meat of it.

We’'re immediately introduced to the three team captains with a Bondesque, pre-credit set up: CBS'’ Telly Savalas, is sitting by a pool, replete with gold chains and attitude; NBC's Bob Conrad, cigarette in hand, is careful careful not to get any ash on his yellow on yellow open buttoned shirt and shorts separates; and Gabe Kaplan is attempting some sort of weird tough guy accent, perhaps on the set of Sesame Street after hours. Cue the credits.

Howard Cosell will be playing the part of the emcee of the festivities. Say what you want about the man and his approach to sporting events, but here he is all business. With severity usually reserved for presidential inaugurations and assassination attempts, Cosell took announcing Battle of the Network Stars seriously. There is a famous story that Cosell approached announcing the Battle of the Network Stars the same way he approached announcing the Olympics, and if that doesn't speak to the professionalism of the man than I don't know what will.

Cosell starts off by introducing the teams:

ABC
Gabe Kaplan (Captain): Welcome Back Kotter
Darlene Carr: Streets of San Francisco
Lynda Carter: Wonder Woman
Farrah Fawcett Majors: Charlie’s Angels
Richard “Dick” Hatch: Streets of San Francisco
Bobby Heyges: Welcome Back Kotter
Bobby Heyges Afro: Welcome Back Kotter
Ron Howard: Happy Days
Hal Linden: Barney Miller
Penny Marshall: Laverne and Shirley
John Schuck: Holmes and YoYo

CBS
Telly Savalas (Captain): Kojak
Adrienne Barbeau: Maude
Gary Burghoff: MASH
Kevin Dobson: Kojak
Pat Harrington: One Day at a Time
Bill Macy (not the one you’re thinking of): Maude
Lee Merriwether: Barnaby Jones
Mackenzie Phillips: One Day at a Time
Loretta Swit: MASH
Jimmy Walker: Good Times

NBC
Robert Conrad (Captain): Baa Baa Black Sheep
Melissa Sue Anderson: Little House on the Prairie
Karen Grassle: Little House on the Prairie
Tim Matheson: The Quest
Ben Murphy: The Gemini Man
Barbara Parkins: Captains and Kings
Joanna Petet: Captains and Kings
Kevin Tighe: Emergency
Bobby Troup: Emergency
Demond Wilson: Sanford and Son

Aside from a few names (and while you might not know the name John Schuck or the show Homes and Yo Yo, you would certainly recognize him from some other failed television show you caught an episode or two of), this is a who's who of television in the mid 70s. Some of these names will play an important part in the battle; some will never be seen again. I assume some played on the volleyball team (which received minimal coverage) others played tennis (which received an 11 second summary as a slow motion Loretta Swit celebrated a victory played in the background) while still others performed in the bike relay (which may or may not have simply been made up); still I think a few of the competitors may have been there simply to pick up a check.

A quick aside about slow motion since I brought it up. Never has it been used so successfully to titillate an audience during a family hour of television. Roger Goodman, the director of BotNS is either a visionary or currently serving time for stalking Lynda Carter. His slow-motion montages looked better than probably 75% of the porn being shot out there at the time.

Event #1: The Swimming Relay

Goodman, realizing he needed to grab the audience at the beginning, starts the competition with a swimming relay. While possibly not the most exciting event of the day, it does give us lovely lasses in tight bathing suits. Lynda Carter starts for ABC, Adrienne Barbeau starts for CBS, and I-don’t-care-who starts for NBC. Goddamm you Goodman, you're not only an artist but you're a ratings genius.

Unfortunately, swimming is very unforgiving; you either know how to swim or you don't. Tim Matheson swims a strong anchor leg for NBC and puts them ahead early. But everyone wins when we are then treated a slow motion breakdown of Lynda Carter's start.

Hollywood'’s early gossip queen Rona Barrett makes her first “appearance” on the show right after the swimming event, setting up a canned segment about Lynda Carter’'s sky rocketing career. I’'m not 100% sure why Barrett is involved with BotNS at all since Cosell did a fine job introducing and narrating the clip, but I’'m not privy to Barrett'’s 1976 popularity. Heck, she may have had Oprah status. What I do know is that if she collected a paycheck for her work, then Goodman got ripped off. See for yourself:



Event #2: The Running Relay

Easily the most entertaining, controversial and craziest event of the competition. Four runners from each team race around a track and pass a baton to one another to complete the race. Bruce Jenner is introduced to give 15 seconds or so of mindless analysis which falls flatter than Aaron and his Vegas Next Food Network Star presentation, but I can'’t blame anyone as he is coming off his Olympic high. We get him out of the way and start the race.

Demond Wilson appears for the first time, getting ready to start the first leg of the race for NBC. In a bizarre exchange between him and Cosell, Demond suggests he'll race anything for the right price, to which Cosell invokes the name Jesse Owens. The whole conversation is charged with racial electricity, so I'll cautiously back away from it.

Everything seems to be going fine, with teams jockeying back and forth between first and third. Heyges afro seems to alter his gait; Ron Howard has an awkward, flailing approach to running, which makes it appear as though he's a wounded 'Nam vet, desperately trying to get back to the chopper. But all that's really to be expected. These people weren't on the track in high school; they were in the drama club. Suddenly, the race takes a controversial turn when NBC’'s Ben Murphyfrom the huge hit Gemini Man(?), moves off his line to accept the baton from Joanna Pettet early, and then turns the jets on to win the race, followed by ABC, with CBS bringing up the rear. Eagle-eyed Telly Savalas, captain of CBS notices the apparent gaffe and apparently lodges a complaint with the judges. The fact that there are judges and a formal process to lodge a complaint is a surprise to everyone, but most of all Robert Conrad.

Anyway, the judges confer, and rule that Murphy'’s move gave his team an unfair advantage and reward ABC with first place, NBC with second place, with the instigators, CBS, remaining in third.

Well, this does not please Bob Conrad in the least. But don't take my word for it. Watch the entire thing deconstruct right here:



A few quick thoughts about this race...

• Pettet gets caught in a lie and you can see it on her face. Nice try Pettet. I understand Conrad would probably murder you if you didn't at least attempt to cover it up.
• Like a conductor, Savalas is calling all the shots here. So uncaringly shrewd. I love it.
• To this day I don't know what Conrad's argument is. He's so angry, I don't think he knows what his argument is. Let's just say he's a man of action, and not a man of words.
• Carter, once again, is all over Kaplan.
• "Emotional reaction?" Telly Savalas you've done it again!
• Conrad actually threatens to pull his team. This is a celebrity competition! Don't think he wanted to win?
• After this Savalas performance, I seriously might start watching Kojak.
• After Kaplan accepts Conrad's challenge to a race-off, the rest of the ABC team seems hesitant to accept it. I honestly think none of them had any faith in Kaplan at that point. For shame. But once he won, they all would have taken a bullet for him.
• The race between Kaplan and Conrad is grossly unfair. Kaplan has the outside lane, yet both he and Conrad start at the same position on the curve of the track and stay within their lanes. So not only does Kaplan win the race, he runs a longer distance! (I've watched this video more times than the Warren Commission saw the Zapruder film.)
• If Heyges didn't grab the inside of Kaplan's leg in hoisting him after the race, Carter's arm would have been right there. Nice cockblock Heyges.

So Conrad loses, ABC wins the race, NBC doesn't pull out, and Savalas is still Savalas. It is good to see things settled in a completely unprofessional yet perfectly civil way. Now, had this happened in 2008, the cynic in me would have probably written a 15,000 word diatribe on how this whole incident was staged, but back in 1976, I can't imagine sane TV producer wanted controversy to sell their show and/or stars.

Event #3: Tennis

Against a slow motion montage of Loretta Swit celebrating a victory, Cosell casually mentions CBS won, followed by NBC and then ABC. And so ends the tennis event. Thank god we can then move on to...

Event #4: Golf
Since normal golf on television isn't that exciting, this is really painful - and the producers know it. Gary Burghoff shows why he didn't get much work after MASH by playing class clown to no laughs. Not even teh lovely Farrah Fawcett-Majors in a short skirt can save this event. We get a long set up from some gold announcer wearing a satellite on his head. Teams have to get closest to the pin on a hole created by a lawnmower and a bucket of sand on the lush lawns of Pepperdine. CBS wins. This is Goodman's only true misstep of the whole coverage, and I'm not even sure we can blame him.

Event #5: The Dunk Tank

Ah yes, the Dunk Tank. This event epitomizes what Battle of the Network Stars is all about by perfectly blending the athleticism and antics of these Hollywood starlets. Of course, they still need to iron out a few of the kinks, as it seems amazingly hard to actually dunk someone. Hitting the target does not necessarily guarantee anyone gets wet. Imagine that happening in modern television? People most likely would contact their cable provider demanding the "fat guy go in the water." Unfortunately, this event, much like swimming, can highlight someone's lack of athleticism. Throwing a ball is a skill that really needs to be learned at a young age and then practiced; if you miss your window as a young tyke then it's going to show when you're an adult. Never has this been so clear than in the difference between Kevin Dobson's approach and Gabe Kaplan's...Had Kevin Dobson not become an actor, he most likely would have pitched for the Dodgers, whereas Kaplan definitely found his calling in performing on the stage. After his 3 tosses fail to come within 6 feet of the target. CBS wins the dunk tank, followed by ABC and then CBS.

Event #6: Cycling relay

If tennis fans were upset with the brief coverage of that sport on the show, then cycling fans are going to, um, do another couple of laps in protest? I'm not sure what an angry cyclist would do really, but BotNS shortchanges the event and we're left with nothing but a verbal recap from Cosell. Though we do get to hear him describe Ben Murphy as "beautifully built."

Event #7: Obstacle Course

Probably the most famous of the events, or the at least one people are most familiar with. The course has 5 obstacles: a table-like structure to go underneath, tires to run through, monkeybars to swing on, a wall to climb, and a water pit to jump over. Fastest time wins. In the day's only real psychadelic moment, the cast of The Wizard of Oz shows us how to go through the course. I was particularly impressed with the Scarecrow's handling of the wall and water pit.

First heat: Penny Marshall vs. Mackenzie Phillips. Think Mackenzie has this one wrapped up, right? Guess again! This is the lean, mean svelte Penny Marshall and she demolishes the course. Only later in life, coasting on this obvious victory did she let herself go and become what she is today.

Second heat: Adrienne Barbeau vs. Karen Grassle. From the start, I figured Barbeau might have trouble due to some assets, (read: her boobs) and I was right. The lithe Grassle makes short work of Barbeau to advance.

Third heat: Dick Hatch vs. Gary Burghoff. Not a great matchup. Burghoff is just not tall enough to tackle the monkeybars with any sort of gusto and it takes him out of it early. I hate to criticize Telly here, but is Burghoff the wisest choice for this event? Heck, is he the wisest choice for the entire show? Are you telling me the guy who plays Father Mulcahey had more important things to do than head up to Pepperdine and suit up in the name of network pride? Hatch breaks the tape easily in this heat.

Fourth heat: Kevin Dobson vs. Ben Murphy. Probably the two best athletes competing today. This is huge. We get a quick look into what makes Kevin Dobson tick (apparently he's insane. And not the fun kind. The borderline, I-should-be-under-constant-surveillance kind) with a profile before the race, and then Murphy makes short work of him. Very anticlimactic.

Finals: Marshall vs. Grassle. I thought it would be tighter, but no, Penny schools the blond lass and shows everyone what could have been had she kept a stairmaster in her Hollywood mansion during the 80s.

Finals: Hatch vs. Murphy. Again, a potential epic battle that fizzles with Hatch winning a laugher. ABC takes the victory. On to the next event and - wait! A Dr. Joyce Brothers sighting! Cosell ambles over to the good doctor sitting in the stands and proceeds to get into a sociological conversation about celebrities competing and why people enjoy watching them compete. Did Dr. Joyce Brothers know about some huge network exec orgy fest in the 70s that no one else knew about? It's these little asides that no one remembers that makes us all remember how ugly early television could be.

Event #8: Volleyball

I've seen a lot of bad volleyball in my day, but nothing comes close to this. But before we head to the action let's give Robert Stack a moment to wax poetically about the sport of Olympic shooting (I'm sorry, but I'm past the point of even trying to explain what these little vignettes of sublime awsomeness have to do with the actual competition. But there's no way I'm fast forwarding through anything Robert Stack does).

Here's the breakdown: ABC is playing CBS in volleyball. If ABC wins, they advance to the Tug o' War against CBS. If CBS wins, then they go into the Tug o' War against NBC. So there's a lot on the line here.

Really, no one is ever going to use this game as a classic example of how the sport is played.

After a cagey move by Savalas to win a point, we dissolve to his profile of him cutting a scene of Kojak with Rosie Greer. He then comes on camera and spends the next 5 minutes talking about horseracing and how he owns a horse that is going to revolutionize the sport. I couldn't make this up if I tried.

Back to the game, where Kaplan is taking full advantage of the ref's loose interpretation of the carry rule. If I were CBS I might lodge a protest that Kaplan's mustache gives ABC an unfair advantage. Seriously, when talking about famous mustaches, where does Kaplan rank? I'd say below Selleck, but above Gerald McRainey.

The game ends with Kaplan putting ABC on his back and "carrying" them to victory, pun fully intended. The sport of volleyball has just been set back fifteen years. The match over, Cosell ambles over to Savalas for comment, Telly suggests he threw the match so they could take on the smaller, lighter ABC team in the Tug o' War. Why didn't anyone tell me how awesome Telly Savalas was? I mean more so than I already knew?

Grand Finale: Tug o' War

The venue changes to some gorgeous Malibu beach, but neither team is here for the sights - they want to win. The NBC team is on the sideline, probably still bemoaning the judges' decision to penalize them in the running relay. In fact, Conrad openly states he's rooting for CBS , barely hiding his disdain for ABC, and Kaplan in particular. I love the fact that he still believes Kaplan filed the protest against him. Telly Savalas you magnificent bastard, you played everyone like a fiddle!

CBS has Kevin Dobson who may or may not have killed a hobo before this event. He looks serious. I don't see how ABC can win...

Yet they do, despite Conrad screaming out advice to team CBS. Underdogs the whole way through, Kaplan leads this bunch of ragamuffins (along with the gorgeous Lynda Carter) all the way to victory. And to top it all off, he presents a bottle of champagne to Savalas. Would Conrad have done that?

And with that, The Battle of the Network Stars '76 is over. Yes, there are plenty of reasons why it could never work in 2008, but there are also plenty of reasons why it should at least be attempted. Sure, we can pretend those Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet shows fill the celebrity competition void, but why try to kid ourselves? These shows have none of the charm and charisma of television celebrities and instead trade on the ugliness of trying to be a star. Sure, they have entertainment value, but none of the wit and absurdity Battle of the Network Stars have given us. There have been plenty of attempts to capture it, but no one has succeeded. But I'll always be on the lookout for it, and the second I see it, you'll know.