Battle of the Network Stars - November 1978

I wonder if Roone Arledge has a time machine.

After my last rant about Suzanne Somers not being up to snuff for color commentary for the May 1978 battle, changes were made. Now, due to the paradoxes time travel introduce, it's impossible for me to know whether or not Arledge, the producer of the Battle of the Network Stars, (or a descendant wanting to buff the resume of the great producer, since Arledge died in 2002) invented time travel after reading my last blog post and told him to find someone better, or if he simply realized Somers wasn't good. Either way, we have a new color commentator for Battle of the Network Stars V.

Unfortunately, it is not the triumphant return of Telly Savalas.

It is Cosell's Monday Night Football partner, Frank Gifford, his head still on a swivel keeping an eye out for Bednarik coming 'round to level him.

It's your call on whether you think this move is an upgrade over Somers.

I'll say this, it adds another level of professionalism on an event that walks the line between seriousness and absurdity. I mean think about it (and I have), what current celebrities would do this today? What production companies would allow it? What insurance companies would? In this battle alone I counted 4 injuries to celebrities. Some even looked real. I doubt many agents, managers, assistants, lawyers or publicists would allow their clients to participate.

And that's a shame. Because Battle of the Network Stars November 1978 upped the ante a bit. Sure it starts off a little slow, but by the end you can tell these teams want to win...

Let's meet those teams...

ABC

Gabe Kaplan (captain)
Debby Boone
Billy Crystal
Joyce DeWitt
Richard Hatch
Maren Jensen
Robert Urich

CBS

McLean Stevenson (captain)
Valerie Bertinelli
LeVar Burton
Lou Ferigno
Pat Klous
David Letterman
Tim Reid
Charlene Titlon

NBC

Robert Conrad (captain) (he's back!)
Joseph Bottoms
William Devane
Pamela Hensley
Brianne Leary
Wendy Rastattar
William Shatner
Caskey Swaim

It's easy to handicap the event looking at these rosters. CBS, basking in their battle IV victory, seem content to mail it in; McLean Stevenson as captain is an insult to the other teams. ABC keeps Kaplan and immediately has to be considered a favorite, while NBC, obviously embarrassed after their last performance, does what it takes to get Conrad back to lead their team. He's on the team because he starred in a miniseries called, "Centennial," and if that's not bending the rules to get his experience on the team then I don't know what is. I mean look at the picture they used to hype him up. Aside from looking as though he's about to attempt to regain an oil rig from Anthony Perkins (I dare anyone to get that reference), this man is balls to the wall ready to win this competition.

Speaking of stacking the deck, CBS does tries the same trick with the addition of LeVar Burton to their roster for starring in One in a Million: The Ron LeFore Story. And that's not even a mini-series like Centennial. I get the feeling that NBC and CBS are playing pretty loose with the eligibility rules.

Event #1: Swimming

Swimming, the one true event that really highlights a player's strength or weakness doesn't disappoint. At first, I pegged Joe Bottoms for the "i'm-taking-this-more-seriously-than-any-acting-gig-I've-ever-done" (aka The Kevin Dobson Award) but then he showed off his ass when teh announced him for the swimming event, and that's not anything Dobson would approve.

Of course, Bottoms does appear to have grown up at least near water as he knifes through the water giving NBC an insurmountable lead, and a new swimming record. Devane helped as well, though he doesn't have the breathing down pat; had he breathed to the side NBC might have been able to lap the other two.

After the race we're also treated to a very lame and unfunny skit involving Kaplan and Robin Williams. As Williams is on the show because of his portrayal of Mork (from Ork of course) Cosell and Gifford repeatedly (ad nauseum actually) set him up to riff in "Ork" language. Kaplan "translates." It's hard to watch.

After swimming:

NBC - 100
ABC - 75
CBS - 50

Event #2: Rowing

ABC has a stranglehold on this event, having never lost (unless they did during the lost '77 battle). This race is no exception. ABC cruises to victory as Kaplan doesn't even get wet rowing the anchor leg of the race. I did enjoy William Shatner's polo shirt and popped collar look, treating the race as a business casual Friday at the office. And Tim Reid looked very bad in his boat, reinforcing the age old stereotype (hey - he brought it up, not me!).

After ABC trounced the other two teams, Gifford looks to get a reaction from Conrad, who, "pretends" he isn't too upset with his team's performance, and suggests this race is "sophisticated." I spend a good 15 minutes trying to figure out how, and come up empty.

Event #3: Dunk Tank

The dunk tank is back...with some tweaks that really make no sense. Instead of people choosing who they want to go in the tank, it's now up to the captains to sit on the perch. That's all well and good, but...have you seen these captains. I don't want to be presumptuous, but aside from Conrad's Jack LaLane physique, these guys aren't giving the female viewers much to fantasize about (aside from the Kaplan tickler he's been cultivating on his top lip for quite some time now). Luckily, Arledge realizes the captains' lack of sex appeal and gives us Pat Klous to be dunked to go over the arcane dunk tank rules. Unrelated, those traditional green suits of BotNS show off the areola really well.

We're introduced to the commissioner of the festivities, and it's none other than Sparky Anderson, famed manager of the Cincinatti Reds. I'll never understand how a commissioner is chosen, or the need for one, but it does make for another awkward moment as Sparky has to speak.

The one intriguing moment of the dunk tank event is when Conrad, throwing for NBC, is facing Kaplan in the tank. After a few select barbs tossed at one another, Conrad throws at Kaplan (safely inside the cage), to send a message, which is all fine and good, but then is still given his three throws at the target. Hey, if you're going to throw a purpose pitch, it should count. It does in the majors. Where's Sparky on this?

NBC wins after LeVar Burton for CBS fails miserably to come within 6 feet of the target with his throws. Cosell tries to cover the awful performance by suggesting Conrad's heckling had something to do with it, as though Conrad was a quick-witted master improv performer.

After the dunk tank, the scores are:

NBC - 275
ABC - 225
CBS - 175

Event #4: Obstacle Course

This event is always fun to watch. It's easy to see all the action and it's fun to compare past and present competitors, and thhis year is no exception. Billy Crystal is back after missing Battle 4, in hopes to atone for his awful performance in the III battle. You'd think Crystal spent summers with Cosell and Gifford with the way they're fawning over his athletic ability. Letterman barely gets an introduction as his competitor (Quick aside on Letterman. It's obvious he doesn't want to be there. and it's also obvious that he's a decent athlete, but I think it's his attitude that does him in. Frequently he's seen in background team shots of CBS, giving his now traditional sarcastic expressions. I love him for it).

Well, Crystal makes it through unscathed, but doesn't have the time to beat the two finalists: Tim Reid and Bill Devane - 2 great competitors. I have no idea why I'm so excited that Devane is competing; it's possible that as a child, watching Knots Landing with my mother, I developed a fascination with his overacting and devious ways on that show. Currently, I'm thrilled that Devane is slowly taking over the Dobson role for the show; steely eyed, competitive, and handsome.

Tim Reid is no stranger to me either. Frank's Place? Great show. And I bet the other 4 people who have seen it agree with me. But it was Venus Flytrap from WKRP in Cincinatti who will always hold a special place in my heart. Cool, smooth, funny and down with the soul.

So how can I choose a favorite between these two major television influences on my life? I can't. I can only root for a good race.

Unfortunately, it's not. Reid wins going away. Devane tried everything , but couldn't answer the long stride of Reid.

On the ladies' side of the event, it appears to be one of the stronger groups of competitors in the history of BotNS to date. Both Gifford and Cosell have been falling over themselves to compliment Brianne Leary's (of CHiPs fame) athletic ability. Apparently she used to be a gymnast at one point, before becoming an actress. Unfortunately, her "athleticism," doesn't translate well to the obstacle course, and her time doesn't hold up.

In Pat Klous' heat, she missteps over the water jump, resulting in a bruised ankle; you'd think she were shot however with the amount of fawning Cosell and Gifford do. The aid the medical team came up with to cover it doesn't do her any favors either; the guy in "Johnny Got His Gun (the Metallica video "One" for all you troglodytes) had less bandages.

The finals pit Valerie Bertinelli against Wendy Rastattar and in a very boring race Bertinelli clinches it. What isn't boring is LeVar Burton taking credit (and not in a joking way) for Bertinelli's victory, throwing McLean Stevenson under the bus. Hey, that guy was in MASH! Show some respect Burton!

Scores after the obstacle course:

NBC - 350
ABC - 275
CBS - 275

Event #5: Running Relay

Much like the rowing event, ABC has succeeded in the running relay, and a lot of the success can be attributed to Kaplan's pre-race strategy. But this race might be his toughest yet. Crystal and Hatch do everything they can, but Brianne Leary and a shirtless Conrad (why would he race in a shirt at this point?) are too much for ABC to overtake. In fact, Burton comes out of nowhere, making up for a baton drop (between Lou Ferigno and Bertinelli - which after the race Ferigno squarely throws the blame on Bertinelli) and eeks out second place for CBS. Along the way, he takes all the credit for it as well.

But the race belongs to NBC; Bottoms and Devane hold their own, and even with Tim Reid "running like a deer," (Cosell's description) no one can beat the NBC juggernaut.

Scores after the running relay...

NBC - 450
CBS - 350
ABC - 300

Event #6: Football

Aside from the very first running relay, with the Kapln/Conrad controversy and eventual run-off, this might be my favorite individual event. The amount of entertainment, intrigue and tension that took place on this football field in November of 1978 is hard to rival. I don't think I've made it a secret that I'm an ABC guy when it comes to who I root for, and before this event things looked bad for them to make it to the Tug o' War, which they have yet to miss. Mired in third place, they not only need to win, they need CBS to come in third.

Right off the bat, we see CBS roll over and play dead, as we're treated to a finals of CBS vs. ABC. Each team is given 6 offensive plays to score; a touchdown is worth 5 and all other catches are worth 2. A catch outside the endzone cannot be advanced however.

Now, the cynic in me briefly wonders whether Conrad would be cagey enough to throw this event in order to face ABC. It's no secret he hates Kaplan and ABC, plus, if he wins he has to face CBS and Lou Ferigno, and I don't see anyone beating that juggernaut. However, after watching Conrad's bizarre profile here:



I now realize there's no way Conrad would ever throw anything. (Aside: how many of you watching this thought it was a joke in the first 30 seconds, only to get a weird feeling in your gut when you realized Conrad was dead serious in the way he coached these kids. "Conditioned their bodies?" "Got these boys in shape?" You want to talk about unintentional comedy? Here you go ladies and gentlemen.

Instead of trying to describe just how incredible this football event is, I'm just going to let you watch it, in all its glory. Enjoy...



Highlights/Things to look out for:

Devane makes a game saving defensive play, batting down a pass
Need video proof that natural breasts look better than artificial ones? Check out those cheerleaders!
Bottoms takes a shot from someone on ABC; I want to say it's Crystal, but I'm not 100% sure
Richard Hatch's catch might be the best I've seen at any level.
Kaplan sack's Devane; it's the first time I've ever seen someone get sacked in this event.
Listen for Conrad tell his team toward the end to just go for 2 pointers because they can "score more than 14" with that strategy.

ABC pulls out the victory, ensuring they will make the finals against NBC.

Event #7: Tug o' War

It's too big a mountain to climb. After an epic battle in the football competition, it doesn't look like ABC can muster enough strength to beat NBC. Here are the guys on the rope:

NBC

Swaim
Devane
Shatner
Bottoms
Conrad (sans shirt of course)

ABC

Urich
Kaplan (anchor?)
Williams
Crystal
Hatch (wearing a parka, as he is possibly suffering from heat exhaustion)

Kaplan quickly assesses the situation and devises some crazy strategy of telling his team to not make an initial pull, in hopes of NBC falling off balance.

It doesn't work.

Sparky Anderson, the consummate commissioner keeps his eye on the flag and declares NBC the winner after about 90 seconds. While I'll always appreciate Kaplan trying new and different things, I'm not sure this was the time to employ something crazy. And he admits as much at the end, in the postgame interview, suggesting his team might have been able to pull off the upset had they simply gave the effort.

Two more random thoughts from this...

Caskey Swaim (he of one of my favorite shows of all time) is about as personable as a turnip.
Before we get out, we of course have to get one more Ork joke from Robin Williams, whose looks ready to murder the next person who says "Nanu Nanu."

Battle V is in the books, and we learned a lot of things. We learned Conrad certainly knows how to lead a team, whether it's a bunch of celebrities, or a 12 year old football squad. We learned William Devane is a very capable athlete, and may be a "Conrad in training." We learned CBS is satisfied to coast after their sole victory. We learned William Shatner likes to keep everything semi-formal. We learned LeVar Burton thinks very highly of himself.

And we learned that no matter what, athletes can be just as competitive as athletes, and definitely just as entertaining.

Until Battle VI, I bid you adieu.

Remembering Battle of the Network Stars

Don't know what The Battle of the Network Stars is? Then I weep for you. Long before MTV started having the casts of Road Rules and The Real World competing against one another in a series of athletic events, the Big 3 (NBC, ABC, CBS) did the exact same thing with their prime time stars.

Though the network stars last battled in 1988, (after 19 titanic conflicts, starting back in 1976) it never strayed too far from my consciousness. Ever since that last battle, I always hoped some network would be crazy enough to resurrect this glorious competition. Unfortunately, with the cable channel explosion diluting talent and television star salaries escalating past a point where a couple extra thousand dollars would be seen as a nice bonus and not simply an extravagant lunch, Battle of the Network Stars is destined to live on only in memories. Until now...

A few months ago, I stumbled across a rather sketchy online auction selling all 19 seasons of BotNS – for the incredibly low price of $35. $35 to relive my childhood cooped up in front of my television? I quickly contacted the seller and prayed he actually had the DVDs, and wasn't some guy simply lying to get some cash for his next heroin kick.

I was in luck; the seller's vices became immaterial to me just a short week later as I was met with a package on my doorstep. My DVDs had arrived.

I immediately popped the 1976 inaugural season DVD into the player, nervous about whether it would meet the expectations my memory created, or simply snip one of the few last remaining strands connected to my childhood.

My anxiety, I'’m happy to say was unwarranted. Battle of the Network Stars is everything I remembered, and oh so much more. Its blend of reality television, pure competition and cheesiness of unathletic people attempting to perform in athletic events is more than the perfect storm –- it’s the perfect supernova of awesomeness.

Now, I'’m not the only fan of Battle of the Network Stars; Bill Simmons, a.k.a. The Sports Guy on ESPN.com has written a few times about his love affair with the show. However, I am ready to become the de facto expert of Battle of the Network Stars on the web. And I’'m ready to start now.

So, without further adieu...

The 1976 Battle of the Network Stars

Back in 1976 cable television didn't exist for the nuclear family. Sure, rich people may have been able to get off their couch, walk over to their tv and turn the dial to Home Box Office, before going off to swim in their indoor pool of money, but the rest of society got their entertainment from 3 stations: ABC, CBS, and NBC (sure there were also a couple UHF channels and PBS, but honestly, who wanted to see McNeil nor Lehrer struggle over a wall in the obstacle course?). So to make The Battle of the Network Stars a reality didn't take as much effort as one might think. It probably happened over a power lunch, or a coke orgy.

But enough about the sociological landscape. We're here for nostalgia and nerdom (actually, this probably ranks lower than any nerdom). Let's get into the meat of it.

We’'re immediately introduced to the three team captains with a Bondesque, pre-credit set up: CBS'’ Telly Savalas, is sitting by a pool, replete with gold chains and attitude; NBC's Bob Conrad, cigarette in hand, is careful careful not to get any ash on his yellow on yellow open buttoned shirt and shorts separates; and Gabe Kaplan is attempting some sort of weird tough guy accent, perhaps on the set of Sesame Street after hours. Cue the credits.

Howard Cosell will be playing the part of the emcee of the festivities. Say what you want about the man and his approach to sporting events, but here he is all business. With severity usually reserved for presidential inaugurations and assassination attempts, Cosell took announcing Battle of the Network Stars seriously. There is a famous story that Cosell approached announcing the Battle of the Network Stars the same way he approached announcing the Olympics, and if that doesn't speak to the professionalism of the man than I don't know what will.

Cosell starts off by introducing the teams:

ABC
Gabe Kaplan (Captain): Welcome Back Kotter
Darlene Carr: Streets of San Francisco
Lynda Carter: Wonder Woman
Farrah Fawcett Majors: Charlie’s Angels
Richard “Dick” Hatch: Streets of San Francisco
Bobby Heyges: Welcome Back Kotter
Bobby Heyges Afro: Welcome Back Kotter
Ron Howard: Happy Days
Hal Linden: Barney Miller
Penny Marshall: Laverne and Shirley
John Schuck: Holmes and YoYo

CBS
Telly Savalas (Captain): Kojak
Adrienne Barbeau: Maude
Gary Burghoff: MASH
Kevin Dobson: Kojak
Pat Harrington: One Day at a Time
Bill Macy (not the one you’re thinking of): Maude
Lee Merriwether: Barnaby Jones
Mackenzie Phillips: One Day at a Time
Loretta Swit: MASH
Jimmy Walker: Good Times

NBC
Robert Conrad (Captain): Baa Baa Black Sheep
Melissa Sue Anderson: Little House on the Prairie
Karen Grassle: Little House on the Prairie
Tim Matheson: The Quest
Ben Murphy: The Gemini Man
Barbara Parkins: Captains and Kings
Joanna Petet: Captains and Kings
Kevin Tighe: Emergency
Bobby Troup: Emergency
Demond Wilson: Sanford and Son

Aside from a few names (and while you might not know the name John Schuck or the show Homes and Yo Yo, you would certainly recognize him from some other failed television show you caught an episode or two of), this is a who's who of television in the mid 70s. Some of these names will play an important part in the battle; some will never be seen again. I assume some played on the volleyball team (which received minimal coverage) others played tennis (which received an 11 second summary as a slow motion Loretta Swit celebrated a victory played in the background) while still others performed in the bike relay (which may or may not have simply been made up); still I think a few of the competitors may have been there simply to pick up a check.

A quick aside about slow motion since I brought it up. Never has it been used so successfully to titillate an audience during a family hour of television. Roger Goodman, the director of BotNS is either a visionary or currently serving time for stalking Lynda Carter. His slow-motion montages looked better than probably 75% of the porn being shot out there at the time.

Event #1: The Swimming Relay

Goodman, realizing he needed to grab the audience at the beginning, starts the competition with a swimming relay. While possibly not the most exciting event of the day, it does give us lovely lasses in tight bathing suits. Lynda Carter starts for ABC, Adrienne Barbeau starts for CBS, and I-don’t-care-who starts for NBC. Goddamm you Goodman, you're not only an artist but you're a ratings genius.

Unfortunately, swimming is very unforgiving; you either know how to swim or you don't. Tim Matheson swims a strong anchor leg for NBC and puts them ahead early. But everyone wins when we are then treated a slow motion breakdown of Lynda Carter's start.

Hollywood'’s early gossip queen Rona Barrett makes her first “appearance” on the show right after the swimming event, setting up a canned segment about Lynda Carter’'s sky rocketing career. I’'m not 100% sure why Barrett is involved with BotNS at all since Cosell did a fine job introducing and narrating the clip, but I’'m not privy to Barrett'’s 1976 popularity. Heck, she may have had Oprah status. What I do know is that if she collected a paycheck for her work, then Goodman got ripped off. See for yourself:



Event #2: The Running Relay

Easily the most entertaining, controversial and craziest event of the competition. Four runners from each team race around a track and pass a baton to one another to complete the race. Bruce Jenner is introduced to give 15 seconds or so of mindless analysis which falls flatter than Aaron and his Vegas Next Food Network Star presentation, but I can'’t blame anyone as he is coming off his Olympic high. We get him out of the way and start the race.

Demond Wilson appears for the first time, getting ready to start the first leg of the race for NBC. In a bizarre exchange between him and Cosell, Demond suggests he'll race anything for the right price, to which Cosell invokes the name Jesse Owens. The whole conversation is charged with racial electricity, so I'll cautiously back away from it.

Everything seems to be going fine, with teams jockeying back and forth between first and third. Heyges afro seems to alter his gait; Ron Howard has an awkward, flailing approach to running, which makes it appear as though he's a wounded 'Nam vet, desperately trying to get back to the chopper. But all that's really to be expected. These people weren't on the track in high school; they were in the drama club. Suddenly, the race takes a controversial turn when NBC’'s Ben Murphyfrom the huge hit Gemini Man(?), moves off his line to accept the baton from Joanna Pettet early, and then turns the jets on to win the race, followed by ABC, with CBS bringing up the rear. Eagle-eyed Telly Savalas, captain of CBS notices the apparent gaffe and apparently lodges a complaint with the judges. The fact that there are judges and a formal process to lodge a complaint is a surprise to everyone, but most of all Robert Conrad.

Anyway, the judges confer, and rule that Murphy'’s move gave his team an unfair advantage and reward ABC with first place, NBC with second place, with the instigators, CBS, remaining in third.

Well, this does not please Bob Conrad in the least. But don't take my word for it. Watch the entire thing deconstruct right here:



A few quick thoughts about this race...

• Pettet gets caught in a lie and you can see it on her face. Nice try Pettet. I understand Conrad would probably murder you if you didn't at least attempt to cover it up.
• Like a conductor, Savalas is calling all the shots here. So uncaringly shrewd. I love it.
• To this day I don't know what Conrad's argument is. He's so angry, I don't think he knows what his argument is. Let's just say he's a man of action, and not a man of words.
• Carter, once again, is all over Kaplan.
• "Emotional reaction?" Telly Savalas you've done it again!
• Conrad actually threatens to pull his team. This is a celebrity competition! Don't think he wanted to win?
• After this Savalas performance, I seriously might start watching Kojak.
• After Kaplan accepts Conrad's challenge to a race-off, the rest of the ABC team seems hesitant to accept it. I honestly think none of them had any faith in Kaplan at that point. For shame. But once he won, they all would have taken a bullet for him.
• The race between Kaplan and Conrad is grossly unfair. Kaplan has the outside lane, yet both he and Conrad start at the same position on the curve of the track and stay within their lanes. So not only does Kaplan win the race, he runs a longer distance! (I've watched this video more times than the Warren Commission saw the Zapruder film.)
• If Heyges didn't grab the inside of Kaplan's leg in hoisting him after the race, Carter's arm would have been right there. Nice cockblock Heyges.

So Conrad loses, ABC wins the race, NBC doesn't pull out, and Savalas is still Savalas. It is good to see things settled in a completely unprofessional yet perfectly civil way. Now, had this happened in 2008, the cynic in me would have probably written a 15,000 word diatribe on how this whole incident was staged, but back in 1976, I can't imagine sane TV producer wanted controversy to sell their show and/or stars.

Event #3: Tennis

Against a slow motion montage of Loretta Swit celebrating a victory, Cosell casually mentions CBS won, followed by NBC and then ABC. And so ends the tennis event. Thank god we can then move on to...

Event #4: Golf
Since normal golf on television isn't that exciting, this is really painful - and the producers know it. Gary Burghoff shows why he didn't get much work after MASH by playing class clown to no laughs. Not even teh lovely Farrah Fawcett-Majors in a short skirt can save this event. We get a long set up from some gold announcer wearing a satellite on his head. Teams have to get closest to the pin on a hole created by a lawnmower and a bucket of sand on the lush lawns of Pepperdine. CBS wins. This is Goodman's only true misstep of the whole coverage, and I'm not even sure we can blame him.

Event #5: The Dunk Tank

Ah yes, the Dunk Tank. This event epitomizes what Battle of the Network Stars is all about by perfectly blending the athleticism and antics of these Hollywood starlets. Of course, they still need to iron out a few of the kinks, as it seems amazingly hard to actually dunk someone. Hitting the target does not necessarily guarantee anyone gets wet. Imagine that happening in modern television? People most likely would contact their cable provider demanding the "fat guy go in the water." Unfortunately, this event, much like swimming, can highlight someone's lack of athleticism. Throwing a ball is a skill that really needs to be learned at a young age and then practiced; if you miss your window as a young tyke then it's going to show when you're an adult. Never has this been so clear than in the difference between Kevin Dobson's approach and Gabe Kaplan's...Had Kevin Dobson not become an actor, he most likely would have pitched for the Dodgers, whereas Kaplan definitely found his calling in performing on the stage. After his 3 tosses fail to come within 6 feet of the target. CBS wins the dunk tank, followed by ABC and then CBS.

Event #6: Cycling relay

If tennis fans were upset with the brief coverage of that sport on the show, then cycling fans are going to, um, do another couple of laps in protest? I'm not sure what an angry cyclist would do really, but BotNS shortchanges the event and we're left with nothing but a verbal recap from Cosell. Though we do get to hear him describe Ben Murphy as "beautifully built."

Event #7: Obstacle Course

Probably the most famous of the events, or the at least one people are most familiar with. The course has 5 obstacles: a table-like structure to go underneath, tires to run through, monkeybars to swing on, a wall to climb, and a water pit to jump over. Fastest time wins. In the day's only real psychadelic moment, the cast of The Wizard of Oz shows us how to go through the course. I was particularly impressed with the Scarecrow's handling of the wall and water pit.

First heat: Penny Marshall vs. Mackenzie Phillips. Think Mackenzie has this one wrapped up, right? Guess again! This is the lean, mean svelte Penny Marshall and she demolishes the course. Only later in life, coasting on this obvious victory did she let herself go and become what she is today.

Second heat: Adrienne Barbeau vs. Karen Grassle. From the start, I figured Barbeau might have trouble due to some assets, (read: her boobs) and I was right. The lithe Grassle makes short work of Barbeau to advance.

Third heat: Dick Hatch vs. Gary Burghoff. Not a great matchup. Burghoff is just not tall enough to tackle the monkeybars with any sort of gusto and it takes him out of it early. I hate to criticize Telly here, but is Burghoff the wisest choice for this event? Heck, is he the wisest choice for the entire show? Are you telling me the guy who plays Father Mulcahey had more important things to do than head up to Pepperdine and suit up in the name of network pride? Hatch breaks the tape easily in this heat.

Fourth heat: Kevin Dobson vs. Ben Murphy. Probably the two best athletes competing today. This is huge. We get a quick look into what makes Kevin Dobson tick (apparently he's insane. And not the fun kind. The borderline, I-should-be-under-constant-surveillance kind) with a profile before the race, and then Murphy makes short work of him. Very anticlimactic.

Finals: Marshall vs. Grassle. I thought it would be tighter, but no, Penny schools the blond lass and shows everyone what could have been had she kept a stairmaster in her Hollywood mansion during the 80s.

Finals: Hatch vs. Murphy. Again, a potential epic battle that fizzles with Hatch winning a laugher. ABC takes the victory. On to the next event and - wait! A Dr. Joyce Brothers sighting! Cosell ambles over to the good doctor sitting in the stands and proceeds to get into a sociological conversation about celebrities competing and why people enjoy watching them compete. Did Dr. Joyce Brothers know about some huge network exec orgy fest in the 70s that no one else knew about? It's these little asides that no one remembers that makes us all remember how ugly early television could be.

Event #8: Volleyball

I've seen a lot of bad volleyball in my day, but nothing comes close to this. But before we head to the action let's give Robert Stack a moment to wax poetically about the sport of Olympic shooting (I'm sorry, but I'm past the point of even trying to explain what these little vignettes of sublime awsomeness have to do with the actual competition. But there's no way I'm fast forwarding through anything Robert Stack does).

Here's the breakdown: ABC is playing CBS in volleyball. If ABC wins, they advance to the Tug o' War against CBS. If CBS wins, then they go into the Tug o' War against NBC. So there's a lot on the line here.

Really, no one is ever going to use this game as a classic example of how the sport is played.

After a cagey move by Savalas to win a point, we dissolve to his profile of him cutting a scene of Kojak with Rosie Greer. He then comes on camera and spends the next 5 minutes talking about horseracing and how he owns a horse that is going to revolutionize the sport. I couldn't make this up if I tried.

Back to the game, where Kaplan is taking full advantage of the ref's loose interpretation of the carry rule. If I were CBS I might lodge a protest that Kaplan's mustache gives ABC an unfair advantage. Seriously, when talking about famous mustaches, where does Kaplan rank? I'd say below Selleck, but above Gerald McRainey.

The game ends with Kaplan putting ABC on his back and "carrying" them to victory, pun fully intended. The sport of volleyball has just been set back fifteen years. The match over, Cosell ambles over to Savalas for comment, Telly suggests he threw the match so they could take on the smaller, lighter ABC team in the Tug o' War. Why didn't anyone tell me how awesome Telly Savalas was? I mean more so than I already knew?

Grand Finale: Tug o' War

The venue changes to some gorgeous Malibu beach, but neither team is here for the sights - they want to win. The NBC team is on the sideline, probably still bemoaning the judges' decision to penalize them in the running relay. In fact, Conrad openly states he's rooting for CBS , barely hiding his disdain for ABC, and Kaplan in particular. I love the fact that he still believes Kaplan filed the protest against him. Telly Savalas you magnificent bastard, you played everyone like a fiddle!

CBS has Kevin Dobson who may or may not have killed a hobo before this event. He looks serious. I don't see how ABC can win...

Yet they do, despite Conrad screaming out advice to team CBS. Underdogs the whole way through, Kaplan leads this bunch of ragamuffins (along with the gorgeous Lynda Carter) all the way to victory. And to top it all off, he presents a bottle of champagne to Savalas. Would Conrad have done that?

And with that, The Battle of the Network Stars '76 is over. Yes, there are plenty of reasons why it could never work in 2008, but there are also plenty of reasons why it should at least be attempted. Sure, we can pretend those Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet shows fill the celebrity competition void, but why try to kid ourselves? These shows have none of the charm and charisma of television celebrities and instead trade on the ugliness of trying to be a star. Sure, they have entertainment value, but none of the wit and absurdity Battle of the Network Stars have given us. There have been plenty of attempts to capture it, but no one has succeeded. But I'll always be on the lookout for it, and the second I see it, you'll know.