Battle of the Network Stars - November 1978

I wonder if Roone Arledge has a time machine.

After my last rant about Suzanne Somers not being up to snuff for color commentary for the May 1978 battle, changes were made. Now, due to the paradoxes time travel introduce, it's impossible for me to know whether or not Arledge, the producer of the Battle of the Network Stars, (or a descendant wanting to buff the resume of the great producer, since Arledge died in 2002) invented time travel after reading my last blog post and told him to find someone better, or if he simply realized Somers wasn't good. Either way, we have a new color commentator for Battle of the Network Stars V.

Unfortunately, it is not the triumphant return of Telly Savalas.

It is Cosell's Monday Night Football partner, Frank Gifford, his head still on a swivel keeping an eye out for Bednarik coming 'round to level him.

It's your call on whether you think this move is an upgrade over Somers.

I'll say this, it adds another level of professionalism on an event that walks the line between seriousness and absurdity. I mean think about it (and I have), what current celebrities would do this today? What production companies would allow it? What insurance companies would? In this battle alone I counted 4 injuries to celebrities. Some even looked real. I doubt many agents, managers, assistants, lawyers or publicists would allow their clients to participate.

And that's a shame. Because Battle of the Network Stars November 1978 upped the ante a bit. Sure it starts off a little slow, but by the end you can tell these teams want to win...

Let's meet those teams...

ABC

Gabe Kaplan (captain)
Debby Boone
Billy Crystal
Joyce DeWitt
Richard Hatch
Maren Jensen
Robert Urich

CBS

McLean Stevenson (captain)
Valerie Bertinelli
LeVar Burton
Lou Ferigno
Pat Klous
David Letterman
Tim Reid
Charlene Titlon

NBC

Robert Conrad (captain) (he's back!)
Joseph Bottoms
William Devane
Pamela Hensley
Brianne Leary
Wendy Rastattar
William Shatner
Caskey Swaim

It's easy to handicap the event looking at these rosters. CBS, basking in their battle IV victory, seem content to mail it in; McLean Stevenson as captain is an insult to the other teams. ABC keeps Kaplan and immediately has to be considered a favorite, while NBC, obviously embarrassed after their last performance, does what it takes to get Conrad back to lead their team. He's on the team because he starred in a miniseries called, "Centennial," and if that's not bending the rules to get his experience on the team then I don't know what is. I mean look at the picture they used to hype him up. Aside from looking as though he's about to attempt to regain an oil rig from Anthony Perkins (I dare anyone to get that reference), this man is balls to the wall ready to win this competition.

Speaking of stacking the deck, CBS does tries the same trick with the addition of LeVar Burton to their roster for starring in One in a Million: The Ron LeFore Story. And that's not even a mini-series like Centennial. I get the feeling that NBC and CBS are playing pretty loose with the eligibility rules.

Event #1: Swimming

Swimming, the one true event that really highlights a player's strength or weakness doesn't disappoint. At first, I pegged Joe Bottoms for the "i'm-taking-this-more-seriously-than-any-acting-gig-I've-ever-done" (aka The Kevin Dobson Award) but then he showed off his ass when teh announced him for the swimming event, and that's not anything Dobson would approve.

Of course, Bottoms does appear to have grown up at least near water as he knifes through the water giving NBC an insurmountable lead, and a new swimming record. Devane helped as well, though he doesn't have the breathing down pat; had he breathed to the side NBC might have been able to lap the other two.

After the race we're also treated to a very lame and unfunny skit involving Kaplan and Robin Williams. As Williams is on the show because of his portrayal of Mork (from Ork of course) Cosell and Gifford repeatedly (ad nauseum actually) set him up to riff in "Ork" language. Kaplan "translates." It's hard to watch.

After swimming:

NBC - 100
ABC - 75
CBS - 50

Event #2: Rowing

ABC has a stranglehold on this event, having never lost (unless they did during the lost '77 battle). This race is no exception. ABC cruises to victory as Kaplan doesn't even get wet rowing the anchor leg of the race. I did enjoy William Shatner's polo shirt and popped collar look, treating the race as a business casual Friday at the office. And Tim Reid looked very bad in his boat, reinforcing the age old stereotype (hey - he brought it up, not me!).

After ABC trounced the other two teams, Gifford looks to get a reaction from Conrad, who, "pretends" he isn't too upset with his team's performance, and suggests this race is "sophisticated." I spend a good 15 minutes trying to figure out how, and come up empty.

Event #3: Dunk Tank

The dunk tank is back...with some tweaks that really make no sense. Instead of people choosing who they want to go in the tank, it's now up to the captains to sit on the perch. That's all well and good, but...have you seen these captains. I don't want to be presumptuous, but aside from Conrad's Jack LaLane physique, these guys aren't giving the female viewers much to fantasize about (aside from the Kaplan tickler he's been cultivating on his top lip for quite some time now). Luckily, Arledge realizes the captains' lack of sex appeal and gives us Pat Klous to be dunked to go over the arcane dunk tank rules. Unrelated, those traditional green suits of BotNS show off the areola really well.

We're introduced to the commissioner of the festivities, and it's none other than Sparky Anderson, famed manager of the Cincinatti Reds. I'll never understand how a commissioner is chosen, or the need for one, but it does make for another awkward moment as Sparky has to speak.

The one intriguing moment of the dunk tank event is when Conrad, throwing for NBC, is facing Kaplan in the tank. After a few select barbs tossed at one another, Conrad throws at Kaplan (safely inside the cage), to send a message, which is all fine and good, but then is still given his three throws at the target. Hey, if you're going to throw a purpose pitch, it should count. It does in the majors. Where's Sparky on this?

NBC wins after LeVar Burton for CBS fails miserably to come within 6 feet of the target with his throws. Cosell tries to cover the awful performance by suggesting Conrad's heckling had something to do with it, as though Conrad was a quick-witted master improv performer.

After the dunk tank, the scores are:

NBC - 275
ABC - 225
CBS - 175

Event #4: Obstacle Course

This event is always fun to watch. It's easy to see all the action and it's fun to compare past and present competitors, and thhis year is no exception. Billy Crystal is back after missing Battle 4, in hopes to atone for his awful performance in the III battle. You'd think Crystal spent summers with Cosell and Gifford with the way they're fawning over his athletic ability. Letterman barely gets an introduction as his competitor (Quick aside on Letterman. It's obvious he doesn't want to be there. and it's also obvious that he's a decent athlete, but I think it's his attitude that does him in. Frequently he's seen in background team shots of CBS, giving his now traditional sarcastic expressions. I love him for it).

Well, Crystal makes it through unscathed, but doesn't have the time to beat the two finalists: Tim Reid and Bill Devane - 2 great competitors. I have no idea why I'm so excited that Devane is competing; it's possible that as a child, watching Knots Landing with my mother, I developed a fascination with his overacting and devious ways on that show. Currently, I'm thrilled that Devane is slowly taking over the Dobson role for the show; steely eyed, competitive, and handsome.

Tim Reid is no stranger to me either. Frank's Place? Great show. And I bet the other 4 people who have seen it agree with me. But it was Venus Flytrap from WKRP in Cincinatti who will always hold a special place in my heart. Cool, smooth, funny and down with the soul.

So how can I choose a favorite between these two major television influences on my life? I can't. I can only root for a good race.

Unfortunately, it's not. Reid wins going away. Devane tried everything , but couldn't answer the long stride of Reid.

On the ladies' side of the event, it appears to be one of the stronger groups of competitors in the history of BotNS to date. Both Gifford and Cosell have been falling over themselves to compliment Brianne Leary's (of CHiPs fame) athletic ability. Apparently she used to be a gymnast at one point, before becoming an actress. Unfortunately, her "athleticism," doesn't translate well to the obstacle course, and her time doesn't hold up.

In Pat Klous' heat, she missteps over the water jump, resulting in a bruised ankle; you'd think she were shot however with the amount of fawning Cosell and Gifford do. The aid the medical team came up with to cover it doesn't do her any favors either; the guy in "Johnny Got His Gun (the Metallica video "One" for all you troglodytes) had less bandages.

The finals pit Valerie Bertinelli against Wendy Rastattar and in a very boring race Bertinelli clinches it. What isn't boring is LeVar Burton taking credit (and not in a joking way) for Bertinelli's victory, throwing McLean Stevenson under the bus. Hey, that guy was in MASH! Show some respect Burton!

Scores after the obstacle course:

NBC - 350
ABC - 275
CBS - 275

Event #5: Running Relay

Much like the rowing event, ABC has succeeded in the running relay, and a lot of the success can be attributed to Kaplan's pre-race strategy. But this race might be his toughest yet. Crystal and Hatch do everything they can, but Brianne Leary and a shirtless Conrad (why would he race in a shirt at this point?) are too much for ABC to overtake. In fact, Burton comes out of nowhere, making up for a baton drop (between Lou Ferigno and Bertinelli - which after the race Ferigno squarely throws the blame on Bertinelli) and eeks out second place for CBS. Along the way, he takes all the credit for it as well.

But the race belongs to NBC; Bottoms and Devane hold their own, and even with Tim Reid "running like a deer," (Cosell's description) no one can beat the NBC juggernaut.

Scores after the running relay...

NBC - 450
CBS - 350
ABC - 300

Event #6: Football

Aside from the very first running relay, with the Kapln/Conrad controversy and eventual run-off, this might be my favorite individual event. The amount of entertainment, intrigue and tension that took place on this football field in November of 1978 is hard to rival. I don't think I've made it a secret that I'm an ABC guy when it comes to who I root for, and before this event things looked bad for them to make it to the Tug o' War, which they have yet to miss. Mired in third place, they not only need to win, they need CBS to come in third.

Right off the bat, we see CBS roll over and play dead, as we're treated to a finals of CBS vs. ABC. Each team is given 6 offensive plays to score; a touchdown is worth 5 and all other catches are worth 2. A catch outside the endzone cannot be advanced however.

Now, the cynic in me briefly wonders whether Conrad would be cagey enough to throw this event in order to face ABC. It's no secret he hates Kaplan and ABC, plus, if he wins he has to face CBS and Lou Ferigno, and I don't see anyone beating that juggernaut. However, after watching Conrad's bizarre profile here:



I now realize there's no way Conrad would ever throw anything. (Aside: how many of you watching this thought it was a joke in the first 30 seconds, only to get a weird feeling in your gut when you realized Conrad was dead serious in the way he coached these kids. "Conditioned their bodies?" "Got these boys in shape?" You want to talk about unintentional comedy? Here you go ladies and gentlemen.

Instead of trying to describe just how incredible this football event is, I'm just going to let you watch it, in all its glory. Enjoy...



Highlights/Things to look out for:

Devane makes a game saving defensive play, batting down a pass
Need video proof that natural breasts look better than artificial ones? Check out those cheerleaders!
Bottoms takes a shot from someone on ABC; I want to say it's Crystal, but I'm not 100% sure
Richard Hatch's catch might be the best I've seen at any level.
Kaplan sack's Devane; it's the first time I've ever seen someone get sacked in this event.
Listen for Conrad tell his team toward the end to just go for 2 pointers because they can "score more than 14" with that strategy.

ABC pulls out the victory, ensuring they will make the finals against NBC.

Event #7: Tug o' War

It's too big a mountain to climb. After an epic battle in the football competition, it doesn't look like ABC can muster enough strength to beat NBC. Here are the guys on the rope:

NBC

Swaim
Devane
Shatner
Bottoms
Conrad (sans shirt of course)

ABC

Urich
Kaplan (anchor?)
Williams
Crystal
Hatch (wearing a parka, as he is possibly suffering from heat exhaustion)

Kaplan quickly assesses the situation and devises some crazy strategy of telling his team to not make an initial pull, in hopes of NBC falling off balance.

It doesn't work.

Sparky Anderson, the consummate commissioner keeps his eye on the flag and declares NBC the winner after about 90 seconds. While I'll always appreciate Kaplan trying new and different things, I'm not sure this was the time to employ something crazy. And he admits as much at the end, in the postgame interview, suggesting his team might have been able to pull off the upset had they simply gave the effort.

Two more random thoughts from this...

Caskey Swaim (he of one of my favorite shows of all time) is about as personable as a turnip.
Before we get out, we of course have to get one more Ork joke from Robin Williams, whose looks ready to murder the next person who says "Nanu Nanu."

Battle V is in the books, and we learned a lot of things. We learned Conrad certainly knows how to lead a team, whether it's a bunch of celebrities, or a 12 year old football squad. We learned William Devane is a very capable athlete, and may be a "Conrad in training." We learned CBS is satisfied to coast after their sole victory. We learned William Shatner likes to keep everything semi-formal. We learned LeVar Burton thinks very highly of himself.

And we learned that no matter what, athletes can be just as competitive as athletes, and definitely just as entertaining.

Until Battle VI, I bid you adieu.

Battle of the Network Stars - May 1978

If one were to believe Battle of the Network Stars ever jumped the shark (and I want to make it painfully clear that I don't believe that in any way; sure I might be disappointed with some of the directions they chose to go during the years, but I understand a format for a show like this can't be set in stone) one could argue that it happened when some idiot decided not to do everything possible to get Telly Savalas back.

The repercussions of this decision are twofold. The viewer missed out on subtle, biting commentary, and also got stuck with his replacement, Suzanne Somers. Nothing against Somers; she's easy on the eyes and does a serviceable, if vanilla job. Had she been cast as a color commentator at the beginning of the BotNS run, there obviously would not have been a high water mark to compare her to. But because Savalas left his mark both competing and providing color commentary, we are left only with "what ifs."

And those what ifs hurt this battle.

Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do. We must live with the banality that is Suzanne Somers, and devote more of our our attention toward the competition. As always, it enthralls and infuriates; makes us laugh and makes us question many actors' athleticism. It's the Battle of the Network Stars May 1978, and the formula hasn't changed a bit...



Let's meet the competitors:

Team ABC

Gabe Kaplan (captain)
Debbie Boone
Daryl Dragon (better known as "The Captain")
Kene Holliday
Parker Stevenson ("The Ivy League Hustler" as Cosell refers to him)
Toni Tenille
Cheryl Tiegs
Steve Landesberg

Team CBS

Tony Randall (captain)
Kevin Dobson (like a pimply-faced college frosh being passed a bowl packed with Acapulco Gold for the first time in his life, this is a new Kevin Dobson stepping onto the field of competition for CBS)
Denise Nicholas
MacKenzie Phillips
Victoria Principal
Bo Svenson
Jimmie Walker

Team NBC

Richard Benjamin (captain)
Rhonda Bates
Jane Curtin (playing the role of Loretta Swit)
Dennis Dugan
Melissa Gilbert
Arte Johnson
Lance Kerwin
James MacArthur
Larry Wilcox

At first glance it looks like an underwhelming bunch. Repeated glances don't help. I mean I had to look up Richard Benjamin, and I still don't know who he is (ok, yes I recognized him from Saturday the 14th, but I'm not sure who else would). And he's a captain? Anyone think NBC might be phoning this one in? Aside from Kaplan, Stevenson (probably there to score Hollywood ass), Randall and Jimmie Walker, the personalities stayed away from the Pepperdine campus this year. Somewhere Robert Conrad punches a wall not knowing why he's so angry (well, angrier than usual).

And the addition of Randall is a subtle slap in the face of all Savalas fans. I apologize for continuing to harp on this, but it's obvious Randall's involvement is the producers' way of trying to replace the Savalas wit everyone has come to enjoy. I like Randall as much as the next guy, and appreciate his tireless work in the role of Felix Unger, but he doesn't carry the same panache as Savalas.

Part of me hopes he gave the producers a list of demands to appear on the show, and that there was a crazy argument about him needing to be captain or he wouldn't do it. Could you imagine that conversation? Or the conversation between the producers and Jimmie Walker, stripping him of the C? Ok, I might be reading a little too much into this right now.

Enough - let's get on to the competition...

Event #1 - Swimming

Right off the bat, it's easy to see the fix is in. Bo Svenson clearly false starts, hitting the water before the other teams are introduced. The Captain does pull a cagey move in the pool though(strange he went with the nickname Captain, when the grand slam choice is sitting right there. "The Dragon and Tenille?" That's not a 70s soft rock act - that's a decade defining supergroup that sells out arenas) after losing his hat in the water. Somehow he knew he would most likely lose his hat during the race, so he had Tenille at the other end of the pool ready with a replacement as soon as he got out of the water. There couldn't have been more than 2 seconds of hatless Captain. I can't tell if it was for schtick or vanity.

CBS wins in a snoozer.

Results after swimming:

CBS - 100
ABC - 75
NBC - 50

Event #2 - Rowing

It's simple...if you have a former Ivy League crewman on your team, you're going to have a stranglehold on this event. ABC wins the race before it begins. CBS doesn't help itself by putting Jane Curtin in a boat for this race. I would be willing to bet the only reason she's there is she needed some extra coin that month.

At the end of the race Randall makes some half-assed protest (poorly echoing some of Savalas' earlier, shrewder tactics) and uses a bunch of big words posturing a bit for the cameras, enough for the commissioner of the competition, Mickey King an Olympic diver - allegedly) comes out and assesses no penalties. Of course not.

So after the rowing...

ABC - 100
NBC - 75
CBS - 50

Event #3 - Frisbee

A new event to BotNS, the game is played with teams of two facing each other and throwing the frisbee back and forth. 2 points are rewarded per catch; 1 point is rewarded to the opposing team for a miss. And reading that description was more exciting than watching it. Because of that, we get a slow motion montage as a Cosell voiceover gives us the results. Included in the montage is a nice slow motion shot of Bo Svenson trying - and failing - to catch a frisbee with his teeth.

Frisbee results:

CBS - 100
ABC - 75
NBC - 50

Event #4 - Obstacle Course

Making up for the poor frisbee event, the producers give us an early heat of Cheryl Tiegs vs. Victoria Principal, and I'm going to call it the most attractive matchup in BotNS history (at least so far). It's almost enough of a distraction to make me miss hearing Cosell mention that Bo Svenson hurt his shoulder in the frisbee event. Almost. Strangely we get no slow motion of that, which leads me to believe, "hurting himself in the frisbee event," is code for "hitting on Pepperdine coeds on the other side of campus."

It didn't however, distract me from hearing Cosell use the phrase "Oh Good lord, how terrible" to describe Rhonda Bates effort going through the course. Bates, a tall, lanky woman who apparently was on a television show in the 70s loses to Melissa Gilbert.

But nothing beats the Larry Wilcox/Kevin Dobson race, where Wilcox, forgetting that Dobson has the determination of a pitbull on crystal meth, eases up right before the end to give the Kojak star a chance to fully layout at the tape in an attempt to steal victory. Looking at the photo finish , I'm still not sure it showed conclusive evidence of Wilcox winning the race, but I'm sure Micky King was right on top of things.

But don't let him be the judge. Take a look for yourself...



Women's final heat gave us Melissa Gilbert vs. Victoria Principal. Gilbert wins easily. The mens' heat has Lance Kerwin vs. Kevin Dobson, which doesn't make sense to me, since Wilcox beat him...unless Micky King made a mistake and tried to correct it. It's never made clear. I don't care though because I'm fully enjoying the Kevin Dobson era.

Unfortunately, his terminatoresque drive betrays him at the wall, where he awkwardly slams into the wall at full force, tangling himself up in the ropes, giving Kerwin an easy win. Something tells me that lapse will not sit well with Dobson, and he'll come back strong...

Obstacle Course results:

NBC - 100
CBS - 75
ABC - 50

After 4 events, CBS holds a 25 point lead over ABC, with the Conradless NBC somehow stumbling into 275 points.

Event #5 - Running

Much like the rowing, ABC dominates the running. Except where a ringer gives ABC the edge in the water, Kaplan's guile and craftiness lead the charge on the oval.

This race is no different.

Kaplan sets his runners up perfectly, matching his strengths up against the other teams' weaknesses. Even when Jimmie Walker gives CBS a large early lead, ABC chips away. The competition's biggest moment is when Parker Stevenson, in the middle of his lap, turns his ankle yet still holds his lead.

It also doesn't hurt that Kenne Holliday, running anchor for ABC looks as though he would be comfortable chasing down Usain Bolt. I'd also like to openly question CBS' decision to have Arte Johnson participate, who, up to this point had been doing nothing but cutting "humorous" segments in the pool. He must have seen Billy Crystal's reel from battles' past and wanted to copy his success.

Running results:

ABC - 100
CBS - 75
NBC - 50

Simon Sez

I realize that many people loved the Simon Sez competitions, fondly remembering the hijinks "master Simon Sez guy" Len Goldstein from some resort in the Catskills would get the celebrities into. If only the memories were as good as the actual event. Labeled "non-competitive," the only thing the Simon Sez game was good for was to see how creeped out Cheryl Tiegs was when Arte Johnson (definitely not creeped out) fell onto her.


Event #6 - Football

Again, I question the strategies of the teams, namely CBS' decision to use Tony Randall in the football event. That seems like an idea Dobson would squash immediately. In fact, I would have loved to have been there when Randall told Dobson he wanted to play football. Even the new Dobson had to have a moment of murderous rage pass through his head before collecting himself and giving the thumbs up, and heading back to the players' lounge to hastily come up with a new gameplan. Serious as a heart attack, we later see Dobson giving teammates some last minute pointers; his teammates too afraid to do anything else but nod along. This is the Kevin Dobson I'm used to!

During one of the matches, Cosell utters the phrase "Good defensive play by Toni Tenille!" and promptly sets himself on fire. Or at least wishes he could light himself on fire. CBS is given a lot of camera time in this event, which leads me to believe they will win the whole shebang. First, we're given highlights of Dobson throwing strikes to his receivers; later on we see him hauling in hail marys from James MacArthur. While not quite a Jordan-like performance, it is impressive. Let's say it's Dana Barrosesque - when Dana Barros played for the Sixers in the late 90s with a bunch of guys that also cleaned the arena after the dozens of fans left. It's at this point that I fully believe Dobson has continued acting primarily to compete in these Battles.

Total scores after Football:

CBS - 500
ABC - 475
NBC - 375

Event #7 - Tug o' War?

It's possible my bootleg DVD copy skipped over some events (what - no dunk tank?) but I don't think so. The Tug o' War certainly snuck up on everyone in this broadcast. I thought the Cheryl Tiegs profile midway through the show seemed like longer-than-normal filler, but I didn't fully put it all together until this point. Regardless, CBS and ABC are facing off in the tug o' war. Kevin "Karl Malone" Dobson is licking his chops looking over at the scrawny ABC lineup for this event, realizing he can finally get his ring. Here are the teams:

ABC

Landesberg (the guy from Barney Miller; not this guy; this guy)
The Captain
Holliday
Stevenson
Kaplan (the anchor)

CBS

MacArthur
Randall
Walker
Svenson
Dobson

Alright, so maybe Randall and Walker aren't helping much here, but Svenson is a big boy and Dobson is closer to victory than ever before. He's not letting his team lose. Those two alone beat any lineup ABC throws at them.

Somers shows her bias by siding with the scrawny ABC team, while all the smart money squarely resides on CBS. It doesn't hurt that apparently everyone on CBS is wearing football cleats for the event. For whatever reason, Lynn Swann, the referee (Mickey King had a diving meet?) allows it.

I think it takes CBS 90 seconds to get their flag across the water, and that even seemed a little long. Kaplan, humble as always walks over to Svenson (hey he knows who tipped the scales) and tells him the deserving team won. If I were Carter (Jimmy not Linda - lord knows what she offered Kaplan back when she was on the team), I would have immediately offered the Secretary of State position to him after watching that. Oh well, there's a reason he was only a one-termer.

And so ends the 4th Battle of the Network Stars. Dobson got zen on us (or at least just grew a beard), got the monkey off his back, and carried CBS to victory. Randall might have been the captain on paper, but Dobson was the captain in all their hearts. I feel good for him, and feel good for his Kojak cast...I can only assume the set became a little looser after May of 1978. Congratulations Kevin Dobson and the CBS team!