Friday, October 29, 2010

Stuff You Don't Want This Halloween

First of all, this list of Halloween candy nobody wants is a travesty. I just can't trust anyone who can't tell the difference between a Skor bar and a Heath bar. And I also can't trust someone who doesn't like Smarties. It's the perfect candy for kids to pretend their dropping some E.

The other thing is, his list is extremely incomplete.

I see no mention of Almond Joy or Mounds (I realize there is a strong Coconut bloc out there, but c'mon - if you're faced with an Almond Joy and a Snickers, which do you grab for? The existence of Almond Joys and Mounds is good for one thing - and easy way for elementary school kids to categorize genders, and therefore taunt and torment their friends). And what about these...?

Circus Peanuts
Sure, I actually enjoy circus peanuts. At least for the first 18 I eat. After that, it gets a little hazy. And icky. In my stomach. That's the problem with circus peanuts. I can't just eat one. I have to eat the whole bag. But I also know that I'm a freak for enjoying circus peanuts. And my weird obsession should not be mirrored or followed. It's a curse.

Good & Plenty
I'm not even sure what flavor they're trying to accomplish. Licorice? Mint? Mint licorice? Sugar licorice? Their existence doesn't even make sense, which suggests to me they're from another dimension. And I'll be damned if I'm going to eat another dimension's candy. They probably are simply pawning it off on our dimension because they don't like it either.

Tootsie Rolls
Bite sized tooth destroyers. Plus it looks like poop. Why start children on the road to coprophagia? If they're into it, they'll get there all on their own.

And on that note...Happy Halloween!

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