The True Story of Flying

If the thought of flying makes you queasy, you probably don't want to read this collection of quotes from pilots. Among some of the things they admit:

• They will probably never tell you when an engine fails
• They rarely, if ever, get a good night's sleep
• Turbulence isn't going to crash the plane
• Don't expect a water landing to be a good thing

Also, here's a handy list of airplane jargon. I'm particularly fond of "gate lice."

Airline Lingo

Blue juice: The water in the lavatory toilet. “There’s no blue juice in the lav.”
Crotch watch: The required check to make sure all passengers have their seat belts fastened. Also: “groin scan.”

Crumb crunchers: Kids. “We’ve got a lot of crumb crunchers on this flight.”

Deadheading: When an airline employee flies as a passenger for company business.

Gate lice: The people who gather around the gate right before boarding so they can be first on the plane. “Oh, the gate lice are thick today.”

George: Autopilot. “I’ll let George take over.”

Landing lips: Female passengers put on their “landing lips” when they use their lipstick just before landing.

Pax: Passengers.

Spinners: Passengers who get on late and don’t have a seat assignment, so they spin around looking for a seat.

Two-for-once special: The plane touches down on landing, bounces up, then touches down again.

Working the village: Working in coach.