Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
nhmagpie “Chilling out” in Japanese is only disemboweling & slicing off 3 people's heads. If you then laugh, it's considered casual Friday.
FriedWords My 3 year-old thought it'd be funny to poke his mom in the ass with a stick. "Trust me son, mommy really doesn't like that."
Aimee_B_Loved I made up a new dance last night. I call it "Throw Your Back Out Like It's Hot."
blaine23 Benny Mardones' Into the Night is totally the sweetest song about abducting and deflowering a 16-year old. Whatever happened to romance?
AnthonyDeVito It's like Rush Limbaugh's taint outside today... hot, sticky, damp and foul. And addicted to painkillers.
CranberryPerson Heart echo? Now you are just making up tests to get my shirt off, aren't you doctor?
Kathy_L There's an old Polish proverb that says, "Old Polish proverbs never make sense."
Jim_Hamilton Mom said if I ever have a child and asked her to babysit, she would "throw a brick at its face."
kolchak I just want to win at twitter. And have sex with Tori Amos. And have a taco magically appear in my hand right now. Is that too much to ask?
diplo I'm @ a balinese opium den with with 5 dudes and about 50 topless girls.. Its like hawaii circa 1899 in this bitch
slag_mag Church would be so much more popular if they'd add a good Bloody Mary to the menu.
Jim_Hamilton "Jim Hamilton always has been wildly inventive and gorgeously funny." Fine praise on the 1st page of a Thomas Pynchon novel. What White-Out?
kolchak "Dude. I totally banged your mom last night." "Alright dad. Take a Valium or something."
MrAlexAdams Going to sleep. Hoping my toothpaste isn't poisoned. I think my wife is trying to kill me. She made me deep fried batteries for dinner.
michaelianblack Just completed a study where I discovered that dental hygienists and chambermaids are better looking in movies than in real life.
radiocolin Twitter really does turn into a Garfield cartoon on Monday mornings
Dianneamus I bet heaven looks a lot like the wine section of trader joes.
sloganeerist Sleepmasturbating is a rare but perfectly normal condition. I know you know that. This is more for the other passengers of Delta flight 881.
CranberryPerson I judge the success of any pig roast I throw on how close my wife comes to divorcing me in disgust without actually doing so.
TerryBain Kids are watching YouTube vids of people playing Mario Bros. At least they aren't doing something mind-numbing like playing video games.
Jim_Hamilton I am at work a full hour before I'm expected to be and a full two hours before I usually am.
nickthune Just convinced my dog that my coffee cup has a cell phone on it. So gullible!!!
DaveHolmes Steven Tyler is here! Or Janice Dickinson. Hard to be sure.
matt_bearden Recent insomnia wouldn't be so bad if I a) hadn't already seen every "COPS" and b) had more interest in male enhancement.
JephKelley Not sure which is more disturbing: that I still think a Disney cartoon character is hot, or that the character in question is a half fish.
FriedWords Your eyes say 'I'm interested' but your eye boogers say 'I'm a crack whore'.
thesneeze Scientists don't know what caused that impact on Jupiter. Well, 3 weeks ago my kid's mylar balloon floated away. So, mystery solved
thebrianposehn Always weird to meet your stunt double. It's like looking into a mirror where the other you took care of yourself.
alexblagg Someone should make a movie about Bill Clinton saving ladies with his diplomacy called "Espionage à Trois".
rbender Old man boarded the trolley. I have nicknamed him MC Pee Pants. You can guess why.
nottjmiller Gay guy who owns the bar is so gay even his blazer is drinking a French cosmo & "trying 2 hard." His buttons are blowing another guy's belt.
paulfeig There's not enough handsome zombies in movies these days. What's up with that? Vampires are the jocks and cheerleaders of the monster world.
FriedWords Hot coals? Pffft, try walking barefoot across a floor full of Legos. RELATED: My kid now thinks Jesus Christ's middle name is 'fucking'.
Trick_or_tweet Clinton’s little hike through the Grapple Asian Tail didn’t turn out quite like he’d planned.
JephKelley I'm starting a band called Better Than Better Than Ezra. Gosh, I hope no band comes along called Better Than Better Than Better Than Ezra.
chucknoritz Apparently a real monkey is different than a toy monkey. I don't even know where that little fucker went. This isn't my childhood dream.
SharonDV Am off to get hair cut before it reaches the Nick Nolte mug shot stage
JephKelley You can use the carpool lanes even if the only other passenger in the vehicle is some son of a bitch tied up in the trunk, right?
GooseHonk I just learned 2 new things about myself. 1) I should never eat 7 layer nachos in 100 degree heat 2) I can hold back vomit for 6 city blocks
PFTompkins First Sarah Jane Moore, now Squeaky Fromme released from prison. Perhaps menopause makes lady assassins less assassinatory. Sorry, Hinckley!
adamisacson If you'd told me in 1972 that Keith Richards would outlive Michael Jackson, I probably would've said "poopie," because I turned 2 that year.
kolchak Ever get nostalgic for the days when all ice cream men weren't convicted pedophiles? Me either.
adamisacson John Hughes has been dead to me since the end of "The Breakfast Club," when everyone hooked up and left the geek to write the essay.
keithwade Someone call the Vatican, I have a miracle to report. I got the wife to watch an entire episode of The Rockford Files. I'm keeping her.
ScottAukerman Funniest line in the new "Fame" trailer: "The casting director saw me on YouTube!" This ain't your daddy's Fame!!
davio1962 Thanks guys, but I think the flashing lights and sirens were a little excessive just to commemorate the fact that I was woken up at 4am.