Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
therealcherilyn if i wanted my sex quiet, i'd fuck a mime.
blaine23 Wife's new rule: It is now officially forbidden for me to refer to the baby as "Bootyjuice." Even if that nickname was legitimately earned.
michaelianblack Real CNN.com headline: "Sherri Shepherd refuses to get a breast reduction" She is so brave.
rbender The Limbaugh playbook: Compare your opponents to Hitler. When they call you out on it, deny it, then compare them to Hitler.
kolchak This cereal? More like honey bunches of ASS. Actually that sounds like a decent porno. With honey.
drew42e Trying to watch TV when "Hungry, hungry hippos" is going on in the room is like trying to hold a conversation during a space shuttle takeoff
CranberryPerson My brother uses me as an example that kids can be awkward and crummy at sports and still turn out OK. I am SO writing a sad poem about this.
therealcherilyn sometimes i trade sex for pancakes. hey, they're *really* good pancakes and the cooks at this ihop are pretty clean.
Trick_or_tweet Yesterday's softball game was awkward. How was I s'posed to know "tagging the bag" had nothing to do w/teabagging?
davio1962 Tons of kids riding in carts & families eating at the food court in Costco. Guess 1 man's wholesale superstore is another man's Disneyland.
Jim_Hamilton Had a drink with @Just_Alison tonight. She very gracefully dealt with a total creep. We were alone.
adamisacson Though I hope John Hughes doesn't come back as a zombie, I bet "Brains... Brains... and Automobiles" would still be better than "G.I. Joe."
therealcherilyn why can't i ever have sex dejavu or hot guy goin' down on me dejavu? it's always fuckin' dejavu about fucking stamp collecting or douching.
rbender Got my composting bin and worms from @GreensGrow farms. Hopefully this will make disposing of kitchen waste (and bodies) easier.
Dianneamus Personally, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can't keep.
ty_fed Bummer! Just blew 2 years of undercover narcotics work when I used the term, "booger sugar" during a drug deal. Everyone is pissed!
phirm Next Halloween, I'm going as a master of disguise going as me.
Caissie Seems I have a bonafide Tibetan monk on my train car to the 'burbs. I wish that guy would shut the fuck up!
CranberryPerson The neighborhood is a little freaked out by the weirdo who cuts his grass in the pouring rain, but deep down I think they also respect me.
Jim_Hamilton You ever try to buy just one Solo® cup? Irony, you fucking cunt!
nottjmiller Found out "who let the dogs out? Whoop whoop." It was the dogs themselves. They are responsible for their own freedom, and the song.
adamisacson Somehow, the memo with "Redskins' Preseason Game Talking Points" never made it to my desk. I've got nothing. Sorry, guy at Dunkin' Donuts.
davio1962 Postcard from 11yo son: Dear Dad, Maine is beautiful and the animals are nice. (P.S. The moose made me write the last part—SEND HEL
thewesterly If I'm ever on Death Row, I want my last meal to be unicorn. They have to give it to you, which means they have to find it first.
isplotchy If you ask me how "The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay" compares to "The Yiddish Policemen's Union", I'll say "Slightly heavier."
diplo Jim jones is skateboardin and ninjasonik is surprising everyone by woopin on pac div!!!!!
xrayedman Historians say Daniel Boone did not wear or like coon skin caps. He did like rabbit fur shirts because they made his nipples feel tingly
RexHuppke Hola, Lou Dobbs. Soy Dora! As soon as you say, "Me llamo Douchey McFucknose," you'll be set free and Boots will stop throwing feces at you.
russellnichols Wifey's home. Time for rise of cobra. Also, I have no interest in seeing G.I. Joe.
keithwade Was told I was screaming like a little girl in my sleep last night. Hope it was a zombie nightmare & NOT that I was at a Jonas Bros concert.
JonSunderland my 2yo just ate my bowl of bran. It's going to be a shitty day
adamisacson No two countries with a McDonald's have ever fought a war. And no two countries with a Hardees have ever admitted to eating at a Hardees.
NotGiamatti Oh Wawa. Just when Hoagiefest ends, Flatbread Fiesta begins. What a calender of wonder.
RexHuppke If this meeting was a movie it'd be called "Why The Fuck Did They Make This Meeting Into A Movie? It Sucks." Rob Schneider would star.
JephKelley I loved "Heat" but it quickly ended my desire to become a dishwasher who drives getaway cars in his spare time. Terrible benefits, if any.
yokoono Use the incredible energy which arose in all of us from the panic & use it to create a beautiful future. Take a sad song and make magic!
FriedWords I know you think it's cool that an octopus has 3 hearts, but I bet it's 3x as painful when he finds another guy's ink on his girlfriend.
tj While in Boston, I went right into the 'Cheers' bar and masturbated. They were *not* glad. YOU'RE A LIAR, THEME SONG FROM CHEERS. A LIAR.
blaine23 You have found the Musk of Greg Evigan! This artifact grants a +7 simian truckdriving assistant and summons Paul Reiser.
dpressman Saw "The Collector" last night. Fun film to take the kids to...if your kids like to fuck barbed wire and piss cows blood.
PFTompkins Desk clerk at hotel recognized me as "from VH1." Didn't seem to know which show, though; bet that's why my room smells strongly of bleach.
JephKelley A great man once said, "Hey dude, check out that chick's ass, so awesome," because great men say normal man quotes too.
tj It's bad for me to want a drink while watching _The Shining_ isn't it? And to kill my family with an ax. And write in peace and quiet.
Jim_Hamilton Every time my friends set me up with a girl it ends like Reservoir Dogs.
debihope If God had a car the bumper sticker would say "the Jesus fish drivers aren't my fault"
TheCline - I hope the security guards at the Linc will let me in with my spray-painted "Welcome to the Rape Stand" bed sheet.
CourtneyReimer I have grey hairs and a pimple. I am an oxymoron.
Aimee_B_Loved Is it weird to name your sex toys after Decepticons? I'm asking for Starscream.