Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
debenham I just saw the World's Biggest Horsefly outside my window. Or at least that's what his t-shirt said.
FriedWords I bet the hardest part about the Kool Aid guy busting through your wall is later having to show all the grown-ups where he touched you.
FartSandwich "I need a second job," exclaimed coworker. "How about a handjob?" I asked. ...and that's how we all got fired, I'll say, to my grandkids.
Jim_Hamilton Note says hot water out Thursday at 10. Turns out they meant Friday at 9. There is a smelly tenant uprising brewing.
PFTompkins Heading to the wedding of dear friends in Massachusetts. Via train. You know what that means-- *sigh*-- there's sure to be a murder mystery.
PFTompkins MURDER TRAIN UPDATE: Thought I discovered a corpse in the bar car; turns out standard-issue Acela scarecrow had fallen over.
Jim_Hamilton When I hear someone laugh at work, I wonder if they really work at the same place as me.
designbuff So I'm thinking of pickling some stuff this weekend…I'll start with my liver.
muchty 4pm on a Friday is the cute girl you dump when her hot sister turns up an hour later.
davio1962 Thought of learning to sell real estate, but the market is horrible. Now learning to sell surreal estate, and the market is unbelievable.
usedwigs breakfast at Ikea, quite tasty (no allen wrenches required)
FartSandwich Just remember, folks, your car runs on dinosaur juice. In the future, robots will run off people juice. Baby juice will be the sweetest.
sherriva Driving through West Virginia and I see the cutest little crystal meth looking towns. So quaint.
wood Does anyone actually read the public timeline? Because honestly it's like trying to have a conversation with a tinfoil hatted hobo.
GodAwfulBastard I don't want to make an idiot out of myself at this wedding. What's the most polite way to get the bride's number?
mhglover Oranges then beer, you're in the clear. Beer then oranges, you've made a terrible choice in your rhyming proverb composition.
slag_mag I don't know how many times I've told my 8 year-old that her Bloody Mary needs more pepper. She just abhors constructive criticism.
FriedWords Have to say I'm really disappointed in this home vasectomy kit. The directions are all in Spanish & this hammer they included looks used.
xrayedman My dying wish is to hang with Russell Crowe. We could get drunk and get laid and he could teach me to speak Australian. It would be awesome
therealcherilyn first day of school tomorrow. thank god. now my kid can pretend to do homework while watching tv instead of just watching tv.
WadetoBlack On Aug. 31, DirecTV will no longer broadcast the Versus channel. Now how am I supposed to not watch hockey this year?
hotdogsladies I suspect some of every cop's confident charm comes from knowing he can beat you with a stick until you agree he's confident and charming.
Rayke Getting emotional over demoting my Ghostbusters tshirt to an undershirt. This is why I wake up next to a pool of tears and vomit everyday.
RexHuppke In retrospect, "I'm the king of mutha fuckin' Skeeball, bitches!" may not have been age-appropriate for the Chuck E. Cheese crowd.
CranberryPerson MARRIAGE TIP: If your kids are going away for a week starting Monday, you make DAMN SURE your sexiest sweatpants get laundered on Sunday.
DoucheLarue what if brett favre had an evil twin named rhett stavre and he was the one that kept retiring. it would give a whole new angle to the story.
FartSandwich I just got asked if I was old enough to buy a lottery ticket by the cashier. Sang all of Sussudio to prove it. Got my ticket, lost my pride.
CourtneyReimer I had a little lamb last night. So far the only one singing about it is my stomach.
nottjmiller I don't know what's worse. The smell of mcdonalds or the smell of the people that eat at mcdonalds. The proletariat.
morgan_murphy excedrin rapid release gel caps are the greatest discovery of my 20's (the sunken pirate ship I found off the coast of Bali falls to #2)
yokoono Plant a conceptual seed of love and peace in the minds of people. It will grow into a tree of love and peace in each person's heart.
JephKelley Bought a candy bar for 95 cents. Paid with a buck. Walking out, cashier asks if I wanted my nickel back. I refused because that band sucks.
davio1962 Looking to start my first off-shore bank account. Financial constraints currently limit me to a bag of nickels and some arm floaties.
slag_mag Madoff's mistress says he's a "terrific" kisser, which is terrible timing because HE'S IN PRISON RIGHT NOW FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
therealcherilyn i had a dream that i shot my neighbor. oh wait, that wasn't dream. related: i shot my neighbor.
diplo Stockholm is full of spooky energy and xenophobia .. late night empty streets in the summer- I wanna see bikini team not falafal shop fightz
tollehaus Do whales get sick too? You know, when they people watch?
xrayedman Went snipe hunting and finally bagged one. It looks like the neighbor's poodle. Oh well, even if I'm wrong this is a win- win situation.
BlueLanugo I bet camping sucks for clowns. The tent must seem so tiny when compared to that giant circus tent. And also bears find clowns delicious.
trumpetcake If cookies were horses, fatties like me would eat horses. Good God it would be horrible. I'm so glad cookies aren't horses.
CourtneyReimer I wish I could warn the toilet of the guy who just passed me gulping a half-gallon jug of water.
hotdogsladies Ellie's realized she can use her baby monitor as an intercom; now, @madmann and I are butlers for a small, insane person with a megaphone.
nhmagpie I always get this mixed up. After which holiday is it a fashion no-no to wear a white bikini to the office?
hotdogsladies A bad analogy is like a dildo made of peanuts; it's confusing, offensive, and very dangerous for people with allergies.
CranberryPerson ALWAYS keep a spare suit and tie in your office. You never know when a quick change will allow you to sneak back in line for free ice cream.
kolchak Pretty sure my cat just did the Nazi salute. This explains why my copy of "Schindler's List" was all chewed up.
hotdogsladies Today's fashion-forward teen enjoys an empowering range of options—from "sad hooker on her way to work" to "sad hooker on laundry day."
DougBeatty Forgot how awful Jaws 3 ending is. Imagine Rocky, but replace Philly, Sly, and triumph w/ SeaWorld, Quaid, and relief that movie is over.
xrayedman Sitting in highschool carpool line. Some of these moms look like they know their way around the stripper pole.
davio1962 Tonight’s Fortune Cookie: Life is a hopeless, dark mass of despair. Your Lucky Numbers Are: 2, 6, 11, 19, 35
amynicole21 One week into being a non-smoker, and my sense of smell is returning. Related: People are gross, and you all stink.
Aimee_B_Loved My parents' house is pretty much a soup kitchen for my sister and I. We go there for a warm meal.
FriedWords Humidity smothers my fear. The stench of rotting flesh & vegetation fills the air. I'm prepared to die. Washing these dishes is my Vietnam.
adamisacson If life were more like "New Yorker" cartoons, today I could be getting paid to sit behind a huge, empty desk and be a prick to everybody.
Dianneamus I want to be reincarnated as one of the mirrors in the Ambercrombie & Fitch dressing rooms. I bet they've seen some interesing things.
diplo still in sweden about to get meatballs and breakdance in the street less gooo! warning!
debihope My bologna has a first name, it's "General Tso chicken".
Caissie Dear woman in front of me, Making the deli guy toss only loose corn with Romaine at the salad bar is humiliating for all of us. Go with God.
thomaslennon New tattoo I'm getting 10 inches high across my abs: DAME JUDI DENCH FAN 4 LIFE.
randomleopard my living room is a crimescene of breastmilk. well, at least the baby is growing.
michaelianblack I feel like they're overselling any dessert that has the word "jubilee" in it.