Best Simpsons Ever

There's no shortage of "Best Simpsons' Episodes" lists on the Internet. So here's the latest. Of course, I don't give much credence to it simply for the fact that they didn't include the Scorpio episode or the Poochy episode ("Catch you later Mrs. S"), but your opinion might vary.

The Best Tweets of the Week 12/4 - 12/11

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...



VaginaDrum I try to insert conversations about period sex in almost everything I do. It's mostly why no one talks to me. Another reason? Beanie babies.

davio1962 I'm going to Costco at 9:30am in order to look for a great, big tub of "What The Hell Am I Doing At Costco At 9:30am ?".

debenham Got prescribed a muscle relaxant. I took it, but I can still make a fist and I haven't soiled myself. FAIL.

RexHuppke Kraft is trying to buy Cadbury? This means my dream of boxed macaroni and chocolate is tantalizingly close to being realized!

WadetoBlack Taylor Lautner AND Bon Jovi on SNL next week? Holy shit are the Twilight moms going to be in a good mood for their husbands Sunday morning.

wood Nobody ever says "Hey, look! Ninjas!"

WadetoBlack National Kidney Association called earlier asking if I had anything to donate. I freaked out & hung up before realizing they meant clothes.

hotdogsladies Who the fuck gives Lowly Worm a driver's license? Think, people. Think.

JephKelley Do you think Cobra Commander gets paper checks or does direct deposit? I just can't see him walking into a bank. Especially with that mask.

GSouder The woman behind me just ordered a six inch in a bun. I had no idea subway had anal on the menu

Girl11Eleven I before E except after C. Except in: Their, weird, neighbor, heists, codeine or 100s of other words. The rule will work for the word LIE.

baileygenine So it's, don't wear white after Labor day, don't wear black with blue and don't wear clothes under a trench coat, right?

Kathy_L I'm guessing the estimated "servings per container" of this cereal does not mean how many fistfuls I can stuff in my mouth in one sitting.

factualfiction Someone keeps leaving used tea leaves in the office sink. Had them read & was told I wont be caught if I kill the sloppy tea drinking bitch.

hotdogsladies Key to finding a quiet, solitary place to smoke a cigar is to show up literally anywhere smoking a cigar. Mere seconds: ALL yours.

robdelaney Methinks *SOMEBODY's* getting laid tonight! (If it's you, may I watch from behind a plant?)

drew42e Worst thing about parenthood is checking to see if the kids leftover milk cup is tonights, or last nights. 1/2 the time the taste is awful

slapclap I am a self-hating hoosier. Unless the movie Hoosiers is on. Then i'm a self-hating fan of Dennis Hopper career comebacks.

Dolanite I would swear a woman in disguise just tried to run me down outside my building, but it could be all the Remington Steele Ive been watching.

BeTheBoy The good thing about having friends who've been to prison is that they think my house is nicer than it is.

morgan_murphy Gotta skip therapy this mornin. Luckily I'm the picture of mental stability (or if not the picture, at least a drawing made with your blood)

gunthergreen I can tell I didn't drink as much as usual last night because I'm already hungover instead of still hammered.

artichoked Does anyone have any holiday cocktail recipes involving NyQuil & me not having to get out of bed today?

Ryan_Please When I'm away for awhile and it says "59 new tweets" when I return... Don't kid yourself.

WadetoBlack Part of me died earlier when I became the protagonist in the "It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring" song my kids were singing.

Dav3Ston3 Actor friends: before taking a role, take a moment to think of Mark Singer & wonder, if I play this part, will I be The Beastmaster forever?

debenham There's a fallen branch sticking straight up in my yard where I walked the dog earlier. It'd have killed me! If I were made of sod.

glitterplease Someone at work got me sick. Again. I'm gonna spread typhoid like my name is Mary at this bitch and teach these fuckers a lesson.

Aimee_B_Loved I want to be a dramatic re-enactor when I grow up. Preferably on Unsolved Mysteries.

Dav3Ston3 I have $7 in cash. I want you to know in case I'm mugged and killed today you can go on about how senseless it was that I was killed for $7.

michaelianblack Wife was offended when I said she smelled "yeasty."

tj Saw a rainbow: didn't make me want to fuck a dude. Found the end; no pot of gold. I'm starting to think rainbows are lying sons of bitches.

morgan_murphy someone stole the light off my bike. Now I know what it feels like to be brutally raped. (because that happened after my light was stolen)

Jim_Hamilton I drink to forget. But forget what? Aha, it's working!

xrayedman The 2 most deadly viruses on the earth: 1. Ebola 2. Any virus a pre-school toddler brings home from daycare.

johndstearns Looks like PeopleofWalmart.com has their own TV show now. Oh wait... that's just "Cops". My bad.

StillDrew Have a bottle of wine I've been saving for a special occasion. I don't think it gets more special than, 'because it's 7:42.'

RexHuppke The first wildly over-hyped winter storm of the season is always the best. The snowflakes taste like meteorologist tears.

Ryan_Please I hate when my FIL shows up without calling first. It's like he dosen't want me to fuck his daughter.

Bauart Some Walmart customers have a mullet; but for most, the mullet has them.

Rayke So far tonight I've watched Gossip Girl, and now Glee. Later tonight, the RW/RR Challenge finale. I'm one 90210 episode away from my period.

JephKelley I like how my hands smell after pumping gas. I may even start bathing in gasoline unless somebody has a good reason why that's a bad idea.

thebenbrooks I think "Waterloo" was ABBA's Waterloo.

Caissie The new AOL is like when we got a new dress for my Grammy's funeral. She looked OK, but she still didn't work.

DavidPressman How can I pleasure myself to Brady Quinn and @richeisen if Time Warner Cable refuses to carry the NFL Network? This sucks!

Dianneamus "I like to watch Dora the Explorer and yell expletives at her when she tells me to do things. It's good practice for when I have kids."

reverendross "Worst year of my life. Glad it'll over soon," she tells the cat. But the cat hears this every December and only cares about food.

GSouder Who ever invented traffic jams can suck it. Wait, is it "Who ever" or "Whom ever"? Whatever, grammar can suck it too.

MrBigFists I'm sending these Zhu Zhu Pet Hamsters off to the Island of Misfit Sex Toys. They're no substitute for the real thing.

CranberryPerson What is the point of existence if your favorite football squad isn't very good? TRICK QUESTION THERE IS NONE.

Aimee_B_Loved Whoever decided that chocolate fountains are only for special occasions is no friend of mine.

davio1962 That the 1st Hannukah lamp burned for 7 more days than predicted, proves that even in Biblical times, the oil companies couldn't be trusted.

AnthonyDeVito I hope Jenny McCarthy's new ABC Family film "Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe" ends with less bloodshed than "Santa Baby 1: No Witnesses."

FriedWords My oldest son just asked for something 'healthier' to eat instead of Lucky Charms. So yeah, he's no longer my favorite.

johnmoe Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug. Both times, of course, are when you're hallucinating. You're a person.

WadetoBlack Ironically wearing ugly holiday sweaters is the new unironically wearing ugly holiday sweaters.

CranberryPerson BOOM timesheets. BOOM clean my desk. BOOM think up less obnoxious way to convey the immediacy with which I complete menial tasks.

The Best Tweets of the Week 11/27 - 12/4

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...



debihope When I was your age, we didn't have any "sales" or "shopping", we stole clothes off random passerby! Friday was GRAY! And we LIKED IT!

RexHuppke Turkey and scrambled eggs. One person's abomination is another's....OK, this is actually just an abomination.

WadetoBlack A Massachusetts woman claims she saw an image of Jesus on the bottom of her iron. Holy shit! Women can iron? My wife is such a liar.

ajonathancox Fact: Bruce Banner stays home on Black Friday because he'll Hulk out in the Best Buy parking lot and ruin his car. Also, he's fiction.

VaginaDrum BF got a Snuggie for his bday & didn't want it so gave it to me. I've already filled the pocket with Oreos. He has no idea what he's done.

coachbaby4 The eyes are the nipples of the face.

Trick_or_tweet I'm growing my hair through telekinesis. Some argue that it would grow anyway, but they're just part of the conspiracy.

seancorcoran Earlier I went to the bathroom but forgot my iPhone. I was *so* bored.

GooseHonk Hubby said the sweetest thing to me today that I'm now determined to turn into a folk ballad: "You put the 'goose' in my goosestep."

JephKelley Time flies when you're drinking box wine and suddenly feel the need to prove how great your bare chest looks covered in hot candle wax.

davio1962 Loading up the minivan w/ family and driving 2.5 hrs to be with more family because apparently I did something real awful in a former life.

CranberryPerson I never thought of myself as dead inside, but I don't know how else to explain how my farts smell.

artichoked After two nights of wheat beer, my head is in a weizen.

debenham There was a numerologist on the Today Show who has me totally convinced! That numerology is the very dumbest thing there is!

FartSandwich Golden Retrievers are the Aryan race of dogs. In other news, I'm still retarded.

ajonathancox Sometimes you just have to say fuck it and take a third nap.

Girl11Eleven I didn't understand the weird looks until I realized my buying just a can of cat food and a large bag of breath mints probably did look odd.

WadetoBlack I just successfully folded a fitted sheet all by myself! My wife better step up her game. I'm one step closer to being self-sufficient.

Caissie My fantasy Dungeons & Dragons team is doing so poorly right now. Might as well hang it up until Rotisserie Magic the Gathering season.

D_MaeN : If I had I thought I had a soul, I very well might have shit mine out after Thanksgiving dinner.

afoolishwit My mother can't decide whether to watch 'A Dog Named Christmas' or 'The Dog Who Saved Christmas.' there is no punchline.

RexHuppke If it weren't for gravity, the remote wouldn't have fallen off the couch. Also, the couch could fly. Newton. What an asshole.

hotdogsladies A laconic celebrity golfer makes his pasty, fair-weather fans get all mad and pitchforky. At last. My perfect storm of who the fuck cares.

artichoked After 12 hrs sitting in the same seat, I was disappointed to walk outside & not be in Europe.

adamisacson Dropping the kid off at kindergarten on the way to meanergarten.

ajonathancox IPhone Scrabble wouldn't accept "dalek". That's bullshit.

debenham I've come to believe that people who drink coffee on the toilet are simply made of different human stuff than I am.

iamnotdiddy My son asked where I got my jokes. Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain "voices in my head" & "outsourced to China" to a kid?

WadetoBlack If I was President, I would keep the news of the 30,000 troops a surprise. Then again, my military experience comes from playing Stratego.

ajonathancox "Coffee may be for closers, but Fig Newtons are for winners." - Me, my new life motto.

Aimee_B_Loved Today is my mom's birthday. She says she's 29. Which pretty much makes her the whoriest 5-year-old ever.

AndeeD Just walked past the bathroom after husband used it. I think he's a secret sewage eater

DirtyGert Damn I got a piece of lettuce in the slidey part of my phone. I need a microscopic rabbit to go in there and fix it.

Dolanite The bathroom cleaners switched from blue toilet cleaner to red, it's festive! OH GOD I HOPE I'M NOT PISSING BLOOD.

tj Went for buffalo wings for lunch. Found out soup of the day is chili. Got both. Which is to say I've set aside 3-6pm as bathroom time.

lafix Sitting in my car I realize I forgot to put on underwear. Forgot is a strong word.

diablocody Made spaghetti carbonara last night, and it's a fine breakfast, too. Bacon, eggs, all the essentials. Garnish with a Pop Tart.

artichoked Tainted beef threatens school cafeterias across the country. In related news, porn industry reeling from beefy taint outbreak.

thebenbrooks "Do what you love and the money will follow." OK. I'll just spark up this J and wait for the Brinks truck to arrive.

TheMaskedBandit Dear Twitterverse, How hard is it to legally change your name? Sincerely, The Duke Of Pussyville

razorwitted Sure, kids GROW. But cheap PJs STRETCH. Problem solved.

debenham In this part of America in this part of December, it is 62 degrees. At 9-something AM. I'm drafting my apology to the Mayans.

goldengateblond Two trains leave opposite stations. One is going 70mph, the other is going 75mph. What time will I say I'm too fat for these jeans and cry?

WadetoBlack First Tiger Woods. Now Ron Wood from the Rolling Stones was arrested in a domestic altercation. Based on my SAT knowledge, John Woo is next.

trixieboots Lawn sign: "Merry Christmas! This is the month that God comes to earth!" Not to be confused with the other 11 months when we're just SOL.

Girl11Eleven Internet, phone & TV went out and at the same time it began to snow. Panic insued. I've had a glimpse of the Apocalypse and it isn't pretty.

QuinnK Fly: 1, Me: 0. This is the way all good battles start.

VaginaDrum My old diabetic cat lost a tooth. My dad is sending it to me in the mail. I told him, 'That's creepy' and he said 'Well it's in a bag.'

iamnotdiddy I'm going geocaching. And by "I'm going" I mean "I am" and by "geocaching" I mean "stealing shit out of people"s garages to pay for crack".

What is the defining movie of the 2000s? PART 8: 2007

Want to catch up?

If you haven't been following, but would like to catch up now, here are the earlier parts...

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

As always, the disclosure/definition: this is not a list of good/great/your personal favorite movies. This is a list to see if we can find what the definitive movie is of the decade. The criteria, as with most internet lists is subjective and vague in its definition. It has to be recognized by a majority of people (that means no art house films), and has to have a positive buzz. It has to be considered by the mainstream and have cultural significance.

Maybe it's me maturing, or maybe because not enough time has passed, but I feel that 2007 doesn't have too many contenders to be a defining movie. And that's ok, because I feel treating this like the Baseball Hall of Fame accepts members is a good thing.

Regardless, let's take a look at what 2007 brings to the table...




Remember, this is not a list of good/great/your personal favorite movies. This is a list to see if we can find what the definitive movie is of the decade. The criteria, as with most internet lists is subjective and vague in its definition. It has to be recognized by a majority of people (that means no art house films), and has to have a positive buzz. It has to be considered by the mainstream and have cultural significance.


First up - the Oscar nominated films:

No Country For Old Men
Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
There Will Be Blood

Of this list, I immediately see 2 contenders. So let's break it down. Atonement? I have no idea what that was about and it was only 2 years ago. I bet in another year it will be the Trivial Pursuit question that stumps everyone when they try to name the 2007 Oscar contending films.

I loved Michael Clayton, but do understand why others might not. Long, meandering, and purposefully ambiguous, I think Clooney and David Bowie both did bang up jobs. I loved that it had a 70s cinematic feel and wish more movies took risks like this one did.

There Will Be Blood? Daniel Day Lewis fantastic. "I drink your milkshake!" Pop culture significance. Seriously, you can't order a milkshake with friends without getting a bunch of terrible impressions of that line. And I'm never going bowling with Daniel Day again.

But is the movie defining?

I don't think so. I think everyone got caught up in the performance and kinda forgot about the movie. Is it still a great film? Absolutely. Is it defining? Nah. It's historical and cool and a great accomplishment, but not special at the end of the day.

That leaves No Country For Old Men and Juno...



(spoiler if you haven't seen the movie. This is the ending! Not that it would mess you up too much)

No Country For Old Men has a lot going for it. Based on a novel from arguably one of the best living writers. Directed by arguably the best directors working in Hollywood. Won the best picture. Things against it? A rather vague and open ended conclusion to the whole thing that left some scratching their heads. While I think the ending is a little jarring, I can also appreciate that it is something different, in that it forces the viewer to interpret it. That's rare and also a little refreshing. I definitely believe it's a good contender for defining movie of the decade.

As for Juno, if you remember it receive ridiculous hype before and during the first two weeks it came out. And that inevitable hype inevitably damaged it. It also put hipsters at war with one another and questioning their values. On one side you had the hipsters who saw it first and created the hype; on the other side you had hipsters who refused to see it because of the hype. Yay hipsters!

Regardless, this film is a smart, edgy teen comedy with a female protagonist - something were not used to. Is the dialog a little over the characters' heads? Possibly...but didn't we all know slightly pretentious teens in school that at least tried to speak like this?

It also doesn't hurt that the writer was a former stripper and broke into Hollywood the way all struggling writers would like to. That the film now is a measuring stick for other indie comedies (_______ is this year's Juno!) doesn't hurt it either. I feel confident choosing it as a contender.

With the Oscar's out of the way, let's turn our attention to the mainstream releases...

300
A small little movie about a bunch of Greeks that hold off the Persian hordes...oh yeah and it was pretty much done all in front of a green screen. Stylish and gory, this movie turned people's both in Hollywood and across the country when it opened so big. Birthing (eww) a number of lines that have become cliche, glorifying hyper violence and yelling, this movie is the rallying cry of a contender for defining movie of the decade. It even has the honor of being the focus of a spoof movie, "Meet the Spartans," something that can't be overlooked.

And really I think that's it for 2007. I thought about Superbad and Knocked Up, and I think they are comedies that people will remember from the decade, but I don't think they have enough staying power to be considered a defining movie. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just don't see it. I think both Old School, Anchorman and Wedding Crashers are all funnier and more iconic, and will stick with that.

Of course we can't ignore the the now time honored tradition of looking at some of the other movies Hollywood trotted out for us to consume...

Transformers
"_________raped my childhood" has become a cliche on the Internet, probably going back to when Lucas released Phantom Menace. People became so outraged because the movie didn't closely adhere to their childhood memories of the original trilogy, so they took this mantra as their battle cry. Ok, so maybe it wasn't the biggest thing in the world, but I've heard it enough that in my head it's a cliche. It's used ad nauseum to describe something that doesn't fit perfectly with the memory of something.

That said, I'm pretty sure Michael Bay is raping all of our childhoods with his Transformer movies.

I understand that it's not so much a movie as it is a really long and loud commercial, and that we sorta as a society are ok with that, but that doesn't mean the movie doesn't have to make sense.

Of course, the joke's on me, because Michael Bay is rich enough to live on a bed made of explosions, while I sit here and write this in a poorly lit cubicle. So he wins. (Apologies if the Fox image I used is from the sequel. I really didn't care enough to figure it out, and really, it's a Megan Fox picture so you shouldn't be too upset.)

Ghost Rider
Nicholas Cage is apparently going broke. I like to think it's because he made choices to star in movies like Ghost Rider. Based on the comic about a motorcycle rider that turns into a flaming skeleton. What? You don't like my plot synopsis? Fine, wiki it, it's a ton more confusing, non sensical, and silly. And yes, I understand anyone could have written that, but I doubt even Tom Wolfe has the writing chops to make it any more coherent. I will give Ghost Rider one little bit of credit - it had the foresight to cast Eva Mendes. While that won't get me to watch the movie, it will get me to linger on it a bit if I sstumble across it on cable.

Grindhouse
This splits people a lot of ways, and with good reason. Comprised of 2 movies that pay homage to the experience of watching a 70s drive-in movie (complete with bad audio and missing reels, which, ok do we all realize these were bad things that people hated?) directors' Robert Rodriguez and Tarantino take slightly different routes to get to the same place.

Rodriguez tackles a zombie movie, and pretty much follows a standard 70's horror movie script note for note. There's the occasionaly wink to the audience, but for the most part he plays it all honest. So what we're leeft with is...a purposelly made mediocre zombie movie - which, yeah I really can't get too enthused about.

Tarantino went a slightly different way, and the results are...mixed. First of all, while the template of a 70s movie is all right there on screen, Tarantino just couldn't contain himself. And that's a good thing. So what we got is a patchwork quilt of all the 70s genres he loved so much, blended with a 2007 Tarantino sensibility. It's interesting to watch it unfold, and that's with absolutely nothing happening for the first 40 minutes. By the time we get to the car chase, we're exhausted from having to deal with the main characters chat about nothing. This would have made a fantastic 30 minute short; I think 90 minutes was just too much.

The other thing Grindhouse had going for it are the "trailers" of made up movies. Speak to a Grindhouse fan and he/she will most likely suggest this is the best part of the movie. While some of them are kinda clever, (Machete looks awesome!) the others definitely are only a gimmick and start to drag.

But don't take my word for it, take a look yourself! (be careful of the violence and nudity - there's a lot of both)



So that leaves us with just 3 contenders for 2007:

No Country For Old Men
Juno
300

Stay tuned for part 8...

The Best Tweets of the Week 11/13 - 11/20

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...





TheCline Between Community & Mad Men, I'm one plane ticket and a radiator away from Black Snake Moaning the hell out of Alison Brie.

Xytrex It's apparent she puts on her makeup by opening her cosmetics bag, shoving her face in side and shaking vigorously.

bestgirlbetty God DAMMIT. Used up my 1066th tweet and it wasn't about the Battle of Hastings. This just became the worst motherfucking birthday ever.

artichoked HOWARD THE DUCK is on. I saw this shit in the theater. Yep, even back then I was making good choices.

VaginaDrum Got an email from Kettle Chips extending an invitation to join their 'Inner Circle.' Seems like eating two bags a week has finally paid off.

linajk Shouldn't Captain Crunch be Admiral Crunch by now?

nathanrabin passed a lady destined to be the oldest woman at the bar tonight. There was a perfect symmetry between her leather pants and leathery hide.

VaginaDrum I need a way to sleep with the covers over my head while still being able to breathe comfortably. Something like a depression Snuggie.

drew42e With the wife out of town, thinking of going to Chuck E. Cheese's to kill a few hours. Now I just have to find somebody to watch the kids

johnmoe Thanks to Lego Star Wars, my family's living the dream of seeing Gen. Grievous and a Tusken Raider hanging out on Hoth for no reason.

WadetoBlack OMG, OMG, the new American Girl catalog just came in the mail!! I mean, oh shit stains, the new American Girl catalog just came in the mail.

FriedWords My son's friend is spending the night. I hope that means his parents are gonna have sex. Otherwise these night vision goggles were a waste.

Jim_Hamilton What happened? This bar was empty when I fell asleep and no one was paying money to put their balls in my mouth.

CourtneyReimer It's pretty clear that no member of Black Eyed Peas need be present in order for it to be considered a Black Eyed Peas performance.

JephKelley I don't think you need to go to church on Sunday to worship. For instance, I'm in bed praying to God that this hangover goes away soon.

ange_black Why do I *have* to wear pants to go get a coffee and a bagelwich? My underpants are clean. Clean-ish. Okay, I'll put on my fucking pants.

summersumz Say what you will about print journalism, it remains the best tool for drying out rain-soaked shoes.

Xytrex My back hurts pretty bad today. If it could talk it would probably say "What in the hell, I can talk?" Then it would complain about hurting.

mookiewilson86 The Jets' offense leads the NFL in making announcers comment, "They're lucky that one wasn't picked off." And SARS.

The_Sock_Puppet If I ever find out who wrote my phone # on the mens bathroom wall at the gas station, I'll thank them

Caissie May Matt Lauer never call me "an incredible lady" as a result of my face being chimped off. Lord, hear my prayer.

WadetoBlack I think I cut myself worse shaving on Mondays because subconciously I'm trying to find the jugular.

mrdavehill I am either too old or too young to have as many crumbs in my bed as I do right now.

CourtneyReimer People who pronounce it "Na-BOK-ov" are the same people who don't know Sting had a career before he became an easy-listening megastar.

iamnotdiddy I have a staff infection and by "staff" I mean "stupid fucking people I work with" and by "infection" I mean "I hate them."

FartSandwich Actions speak louder than words, especially if that action is shouting.

I_am_JMan I just realized that Destro is just destroy without the "y". Those Hasbro people are so clever.

WadetoBlack Lost: Work motivation. Last seen at the corner of April and May 2009. If found, euthanize immediately.

thebenbrooks After 12 years of marriage, I'll be the second to admit I've made some bad choices.

StillDrew You know what's like herding cats? Herding cats. But why would you want to? Now shooting cats in a barrel? I could get into that.

Jim_Hamilton I like the term "personal publishing." Every time I post a tweet, I call mom and yell, "I got published!"

deighvan I just noticed that during our illness my 2yr old's Kai-Lan doll has slept with everyone in this house. Kai-Lan is a sick ho.

xrayedman There is no 'I' in team and there is no 'Team' in Cleveland.

cravenheart The only way to get my wife into bed is to set a gin trap.

michellew_There's a large number of "hair restoration" people following me. Have they SEEN me? I've got more hair then Madonna's armpits in the 80's!

SarahKSilverman I keep confusing 9-11 and 7-11. Gotta stop going to ground zero for Nerds Rope.

DaveHolmes Somewhere there is hours of footage of Payton Manning and Justin Timberlake doing improv.

nerdist Ah, late-night PBS. A vegetable crisper of British leftovers.

diplo i hope I get hit in the head with a meteor

bestgirlbetty It's always sunny in my cleavage. With scattered showers of crumbs, yes, but it's always sunny.

MrBigFists I wish my neighbors would put blinds up in their bathroom window so I could stop climbing this tree every morning.

coachbaby4 Freedom of expression is important to me & that's why all my panties have messages on the back.

Caissie I don't mind if absorbed twins follow me, but no absorbed twin spammers! I don't want to see your abs0rb3dtw1nfvck3dv1ds, guys.

Aimee_B_Loved I can't think of a single image that would be as awesome and terrifying as jousting narwhals. Make that happen, Wild Kingdom.

kolchak It's not yellow snow. It's a ghetto icee.

knitterplease I am NOT listening to Christmas music. I'm listening to the holiday date-rape classic, "Baby It's Cold Outside".

RexHuppke Sorry, boss, nudity is not listed as a policy violation in the employee handbook. See for yourself. It's right here. In my lap.

RexHuppke This day is like watching a pair of mimes perform "Waiting for Godot."

VaginaDrum I've watched so many murder mysteries, I just keep them on in the background and listen for buzz words like 'semen' 'knife' and 'Nashville.'

WadetoBlack My wife's busy fake cooking in in her fake cafe in the Cafe World game on Facebook. I'm eating microwave hot dogs. Something is wrong here.

brashlionroars The dude from Kiss in the cat makeup totally drew the short straw

danlevyshow Just saw a guy who looks like the homeless me. I gave him in dollar in case there is some back to the future shit going on.

TheMadTurkey Tried to get some celebrity friends to help my cause by singing Do They Know Its Thanksgiving Time, but even the other Baldwins ignored me.

JeeNeeBee I just stuffed my washing machine so full, I'm going to have to rename it Kirstie.

RexHuppke Great. Along with a bad knee, nose hair and lower-back pain, I've started snoring. I'm a Matlock marathon shy of Geezerville.

razorwitted For us, it's just a speedbump in the week, but for Quasimodo, Wednesday was *his* day...

TheCline Me: How often should I change the filter in my new furnace? Him: Same way you do now. Every month or so. Me: [awesome poker face] Of course.

TheMaskedBandit Has anyone used 'Harry Chronic Jr.' for a weed name yet? If not, we need to be getting much more creative.

WadetoBlack When faced with the difficult choice between just two toilet stalls, I sometimes like to ask myself: What Would Robert Frost Do?

mrdavehill That movie "The Maid" was totally different from what I was expecting/not wearing pants for.

QuinnK My landlord got upset when I told him I was going to build a "fake" fire in my fake fireplace. (It's all about good finger quote placement.)

artichoked After my dog finishes eating, he wipes his mouth on the living room carpet. I assume he learned this behavior from my husband.

bestgirlbetty Early meeting at work this a.m. with a gunty woman. Adding "I got up early for gunt" to my "things I never expected to say" list.

Caissie I am using the new Fit or Fugly iPhone app to determine if the people around me are good looking or not. I was so tired of wondering!

StillDrew I bet when the officer asked if I knew why he had pulled me over he was looking for more than, “Meh.” Related: Tasers taste like burning.

keithglover I treat foreplay like a game of Tekken. I just move all my fingers as frantically as possible & pray I activate some sort of special move.

designbuff I keep forgetting to put on deodorant. Operation Hobo Transformation is a go! Next up: Fashioning a bindle stick and riding freight trains.

razorwitted It's a good thing Jesus wasn't beheaded, because a diamond-studded guillotine wouldn't make NEARLY as charming a pendant.

wood Ramen, chopped ham, dash of Sriracha & worcestershire, slice of cheese and a fried egg. I am the Iron Chef of sadness & disappointment.

Dav3Ston3 Today, on her first birthday, Mirabel learned of the joy and betrayal that resides within all rubberbands.

ajonathancox About to put the office nudity policy to the test!

Jim_Hamilton What has two thumbs and is done drinking and I mean it this time baby just LET ME IN THE GODDAMN HOUSE?!?

RexHuppke Agent: The eagle has landed. HQ: You've spotted the target? Agent: No. An eagle. It's magnificent! (Ornithologists make lousy spies.)

Caissie Now Twitter is asking me "What's happening?" If I find out Twitter is Raj, I"m going to be PSYCHED!

davio1962 I put that Math teacher in her place when I said my daughter wouldn't need her precious "Geometry", once she becomes an exotic dancer.

artichoked Snuggie commercial has a girl raising the roof, guy doing the cabbage patch & a dog with glasses. The snuggies are the LEAST shameful part.

slapclap Hell is Kid Rock concert footage, not other people (unless they go to Kid Rock concerts).

DaveHolmes Probably sometimes when people are trying to ironically type "teh," they mess up and type "the."

unsupervised Signing a birthday card after John Hancock must have been infuriating.

carolinekeith My problem of "I want to wear flats but this skirt looks better with heels" was solved with cleavage. Nothing can't be solved by boobs.

The Best Tweets of the Week 11/6 - 11/13

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...



lefauxfrog Somewhere, a network executive is waking from a sound sleep to furiously scribble "25/8 news coverage!" on a notepad by his nightstand.

AlisonRosen I totally have a Word doc open and I totally wrote some words and even italicized a few. It's like I'm really getting shit done today.

TheMadTurkey You don't want to eat me on Thanksgiving, I have less dark meat than a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert.

Rayke Her: Research paper. Do you know anything about euthanasia? Me: They work in sweatshops? Her: Inappropiate. And a bit racist. Well done.

WadetoBlack Apparently we're having homemade chicken soup tonight. Most people might be excited by this, but not me. I'm not sick. And I have no soul.

Aimee_B_Loved Judging by the sounds the boss and his computer are making, I'd say the space invaders are winning.

steveagee what the hell is a Verizon Droid? what the fuck is Google Wave? How long have I been asleep???

Jim_Hamilton No matter how many ties I pretend to look at, it is obvious to everyone in Nordstrom's that I came in only to take a shit.

hotdogsladies I interpret Obama's silence on the issue as a tacit admission he's working with the Greys, Jodie Foster, and Jim Davis to steal my thoughts.

davio1962 Still working on my idea for a combination, Asian Food/Bondage lounge. Hoping to call it "Thai Me Up".

WadetoBlack Good: Had the game-winning hit in softball tonight vs. our town's cocky young, athletic firefighters. Bad: I'm screwed if we have a fire.

adamisacson OMG the plane's landing and the guy next to me has his tray table down! If you're reading this, it means I managed to climb over the body.

TheMadTurkey The country Turkey? There's no turkeys there. Maybe Alanis Morisette will write a song about it.

FunnyLvnGirl Fine. I'll go to church with you today. But, I'm wearing my jammies, not fixing my hair & taking coffee. People will stare. Your decision.

TheMadTurkey So what if I have flabby skin hanging off my neck? It's called a wattle. What's yours called, grandma?

kolchak Papa Johns offers a pizza with 6 meats, but doesn't take kindly to you asking if one of them is human.

afoolishwit Sliced my right index finger at work. Luckily, not the main finger I use for communication. But later tonight's gonna be rough.

ZenGrifter Before Twitter came along I had to spray-paint this shit onto railway bridges.

shareyourdonuts (while traveling in a Muslim country) Man sneezes. Me: God bless you! I mean Allah!!

derek_huff Me:My Blackberry fell in the urinal. Boss:Did you get it out? Me:No! I peed on it. Boss:Why would you pee on it? Me:It was in the urinal!

thebenbrooks Me: "That's called a recumbent bike." 2 1/2 yr old: "What does recumbent mean?" Me: "It means he's not interested in girls sweetheart."

Aimee_B_Loved Somewhere, my doppelganger is peering into her fun-sized pack of Skittles, disappointed by all reds and no greens.

Blue_Crab Awkward Guy is creepily giggling alone in his office. I can't tell if this is the beginning or the end of the horor movie.

ajonathancox Lady Gaga confuses both my upstairs and my downstairs parts.

davio1962 Ever totally screw up something at work, but then have an epiphany & solve the problem? Today, that was me. Minus the 'solving' part.

CourtneyReimer I've noticed Pizza Hut avoids the word "pizzeria" in its ads. Probably because it rhymes with what their product tastes like.

kolchak WHY WOULD YOU ACCUSE BARNEY OF STEALING FROM THE COOKIE JAR? HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ARMS, YOU FUCKING MORON? WHAT ARE YOU, FIVE YEARS OLD? Oh.

MrAlexAdams When a coloring book is completed, do you then call it a *colored* book? Cuz that's racist. And I will not tolerate ur crayon based bigotry.

Caissie Remember when 2 sets of twins plus a set of sextuplets was an article in the Enquirer instead of a show on TLC called 'Table for 12'?

adamisacson I microwaved an "organic breakfast burrito" without stopping halfway to turn it. It was gross! So I followed the directions. It was gross!

nicdarling Just noticed the building vending machine features an "Extreme Relaxation Beverage". I'm not sure I want my relaxation to be extreme.

PFTompkins Sad I missed @Hodgman's book reading last night. Cause I'm illiterate. Even now, I hope I put these shapes in the right ordre!

Trick_or_tweet I have a plausible guess where my pen is, given that I just found a tampon behind my ear.

Caissie I cannot believe that it is Sesame Street's 40th anniversary & they haven't solved Mr. Hooper's murder yet.

Dolanite The Temp wears keys on his belt, making him sound like a tiny janitor as he stomps around. It's going to make him really easy to hunt.

richardroeper Carrie Prejean keeps talking about the effort to silence her. She's talking about it on national TV. I'd say that means the effort sucks.

TheMadTurkey The day after Thanksgiving is known as Black Friday for shoppers. You know what turkeys call it? Nothing. Because, you know, we're dead.

Blue_Crab The Boss's wife tried to dress up today. It looks like a circus got really drunk and threw up on her.

cantamorada There are advantages to hardly ever cleaning out my car. Like having a change of clothes for a surprise meeting on a day I wore sweatpants.

hugel If CBS were truly looking to push the boundaries they’d have picked up Shit My Dads Say.

nevenmrgan When you're peeing, coughing is like holding the B button in Super Mario.

FriedWords Seeing a ghost is probably the scariest, but I bet seeing a vagina from the 70's has to be a close second.

bestgirlbetty This day has had too many man issues. I need to go watch a Hillary Swank movie or lick a cat.

WadetoBlack It's possible that the population of exotic animals and insects would be endangered if late night talks shows went extinct.

davio1962 Trying to help my son with his history project. Years from now kids will be doing *their* history projects on my murderous rampage today.

WadetoBlack My daughter brings a lot of stuffed animals into bed w/ us. Related, what I did to Mr. Fluffy last night was just an accident. He's soft!

johnmoe If life hands you an impossible situation, make ImpossibleSituationAde: the least popular sports drink of all time!

Aimee_B_Loved I'd better shave my legs this week. Otherwise Saturday is going to look more like Satyr-day.

TheCline Smushed candy corn in our stairwell for over a month now. 99% sure it's one of mine. Pride mixed with realization we have filthy stairwells.

blaine23 Just dialed 1-900-MIX-A-LOT. Got a call center in India. Luckily, Mr. Patel is confident he can assist me with kicking these nasty thoughts.

FartSandwich I bet the story of Gandhi would make a terrific video game. You just lie down, get your ass beat, then you win. Sort of.

TheMaskedBandit Is there any occasion fancy enough to get country singers into a pair of slacks? Oscars? State dinner? Meeting the Queen?

bumpcrud The fact that I just saw someone buy Silk Stalkings Season 5 makes me hate our freedom.

TheMadTurkey These days, the only thing you’re really giving thanks for now is Indian Casinos. And that Val Kilmer movie set on that Indian reservation.

FussySaffa Why is it that people never seem to fight on top of trains these days?

thewesterly Alright, monkey. You've tracked me to my secret lair. You've disabled my sentries. You've even pooped on my secretary. Let's finish this.

LarryCarroll I just received a Jeremy Piven air freshener in the mail. It smells...fishy.

artichoked If I told you I was rooting around in the jelly bean jar for my favorite flavor & some fell out & into my bra, would that be sexy or sad?

supmister Shooting a midget out of a canon into a crowd could be the only thing that'll convince me that "guns don't kill people, people kill people."

genegeorge Life was much better when 90% of people never went more than 5 miles from home. Also there was plague.

Kathy_L What I would really like is something that brings milkshakes to my yard.

dpressman Lou Dobbs quit CNN? Who the hell am I gonna masturbate to from 4 - 5pm?

sportsguy33 Wow, Durant made me post a Tweet with 2 different words in caps. He turns me into a teenage girl. Im only missing headgear + a training bra.

Xytrex I marched into our 5pm meeting carrying a trident and humming a Gregorian chant. We won't be having any more 5 pm meetings.

slag_mag I'm probably late to the game on this one, but I'd like everyone to thank the KISS Army for their years of service on this special day.

Jessabelle2o7 As I chased my Vicodan and unripe banana with hot cocoa, I had a moment of déjà vu: the night of the Bonobo monkey-Emanuel Lewis rape dream.

DaveHolmes I think Wynonna Judd's personal style character is "Lesbian Bumpkin Magician Superhero."

WadetoBlack The bright side of seeing a homeless guy on the trolley reading a romance novel with a hand on his crotch is being able to tweet about it.

JezebelTheGreat Attic Boy's parents are pleading guilty and aren't going to jail? Lame. JACK FUCKIN MCCOY would've sent them to jail.

blackcallalily If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunchtime.

michaelianblack How am I supposed to make my "masturbating to Carrie Prejean masturbation video" if I can't see hers first? Very frustrating.

Dolanite Nice eh? #thingsyouprobablyshouldntaskyourgynocologist.

CranberryPerson My new building is going to be a block away but I am getting really nervous that its Starbucks won't be as good as the Starbucks here.

johnmoe When Clifford the Big Red Dog's time is up, it's going to be horrible in so many ways. The putting down, the burial, all of it.

DougBenson When someone tells me they're not on Twitter, I just assume that they can't read or write. And then I throw my drink in their face.

hotdogsladies Listen. I don't wear these Mr. Potato Head ears, lips, nose, and glasses to "look cool." I'm Tatin' Up because it's tribal; it's WHO I AM.

morgan_murphy It's gotta suck if you're really superstitious AND own a black cat. Youd just spend all your time at home scared shitless.

Lorisays Everyone plays at the Middle School Girls Volleyball game. By "everyone," I mean even spectators. By "plays," I mean gets hit by the ball.

CourtneyReimer I've seen the death of journalism and it is this girl at Columbia J-School desperately clinging to a copy of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Trick_or_tweet 2009 is the year of the pig & we have Swine flu. 2010 is the year of the cock. I hope the cocks won't need isolation.

paulscheer The pixar movie UP is just of a sweeter version of Grand Torino with balloons

FartSandwich Water cooler guy came to the office today. He asked our receptionist if he could see her jugs and I said, "I think I've seen this movie."

Aimee_B_Loved I went to Jurassic Park and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. And disemboweled by a Velociraptor.

RexHuppke "YOU can't believe it's not butter. But I CHOOSE to not believe it's not butter." Never grocery shop with a philosopher.

morgan_murphy I have a lot of die hard lesbian fans. I don't mean they like me a lot, I mean they're women who look like Bruce Willis.

Jim_Hamilton Boy meets girl. Girl fucks quarterback. Boy builds death-ray (or writes poetry, depending on budget).

bumpcrud Underground Bare Knuckled Kangaroo Boxing? Like, Kangaroo Fight Clubs? Is that a thing? I'm asking for a dream I had.