Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
debihope When I was your age, we didn't have any "sales" or "shopping", we stole clothes off random passerby! Friday was GRAY! And we LIKED IT!
RexHuppke Turkey and scrambled eggs. One person's abomination is another's....OK, this is actually just an abomination.
WadetoBlack A Massachusetts woman claims she saw an image of Jesus on the bottom of her iron. Holy shit! Women can iron? My wife is such a liar.
ajonathancox Fact: Bruce Banner stays home on Black Friday because he'll Hulk out in the Best Buy parking lot and ruin his car. Also, he's fiction.
VaginaDrum BF got a Snuggie for his bday & didn't want it so gave it to me. I've already filled the pocket with Oreos. He has no idea what he's done.
coachbaby4 The eyes are the nipples of the face.
Trick_or_tweet I'm growing my hair through telekinesis. Some argue that it would grow anyway, but they're just part of the conspiracy.
seancorcoran Earlier I went to the bathroom but forgot my iPhone. I was *so* bored.
GooseHonk Hubby said the sweetest thing to me today that I'm now determined to turn into a folk ballad: "You put the 'goose' in my goosestep."
JephKelley Time flies when you're drinking box wine and suddenly feel the need to prove how great your bare chest looks covered in hot candle wax.
davio1962 Loading up the minivan w/ family and driving 2.5 hrs to be with more family because apparently I did something real awful in a former life.
CranberryPerson I never thought of myself as dead inside, but I don't know how else to explain how my farts smell.
artichoked After two nights of wheat beer, my head is in a weizen.
debenham There was a numerologist on the Today Show who has me totally convinced! That numerology is the very dumbest thing there is!
FartSandwich Golden Retrievers are the Aryan race of dogs. In other news, I'm still retarded.
ajonathancox Sometimes you just have to say fuck it and take a third nap.
Girl11Eleven I didn't understand the weird looks until I realized my buying just a can of cat food and a large bag of breath mints probably did look odd.
WadetoBlack I just successfully folded a fitted sheet all by myself! My wife better step up her game. I'm one step closer to being self-sufficient.
Caissie My fantasy Dungeons & Dragons team is doing so poorly right now. Might as well hang it up until Rotisserie Magic the Gathering season.
D_MaeN : If I had I thought I had a soul, I very well might have shit mine out after Thanksgiving dinner.
afoolishwit My mother can't decide whether to watch 'A Dog Named Christmas' or 'The Dog Who Saved Christmas.' there is no punchline.
RexHuppke If it weren't for gravity, the remote wouldn't have fallen off the couch. Also, the couch could fly. Newton. What an asshole.
hotdogsladies A laconic celebrity golfer makes his pasty, fair-weather fans get all mad and pitchforky. At last. My perfect storm of who the fuck cares.
artichoked After 12 hrs sitting in the same seat, I was disappointed to walk outside & not be in Europe.
adamisacson Dropping the kid off at kindergarten on the way to meanergarten.
ajonathancox IPhone Scrabble wouldn't accept "dalek". That's bullshit.
debenham I've come to believe that people who drink coffee on the toilet are simply made of different human stuff than I am.
iamnotdiddy My son asked where I got my jokes. Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain "voices in my head" & "outsourced to China" to a kid?
WadetoBlack If I was President, I would keep the news of the 30,000 troops a surprise. Then again, my military experience comes from playing Stratego.
ajonathancox "Coffee may be for closers, but Fig Newtons are for winners." - Me, my new life motto.
Aimee_B_Loved Today is my mom's birthday. She says she's 29. Which pretty much makes her the whoriest 5-year-old ever.
AndeeD Just walked past the bathroom after husband used it. I think he's a secret sewage eater
DirtyGert Damn I got a piece of lettuce in the slidey part of my phone. I need a microscopic rabbit to go in there and fix it.
Dolanite The bathroom cleaners switched from blue toilet cleaner to red, it's festive! OH GOD I HOPE I'M NOT PISSING BLOOD.
tj Went for buffalo wings for lunch. Found out soup of the day is chili. Got both. Which is to say I've set aside 3-6pm as bathroom time.
lafix Sitting in my car I realize I forgot to put on underwear. Forgot is a strong word.
diablocody Made spaghetti carbonara last night, and it's a fine breakfast, too. Bacon, eggs, all the essentials. Garnish with a Pop Tart.
artichoked Tainted beef threatens school cafeterias across the country. In related news, porn industry reeling from beefy taint outbreak.
thebenbrooks "Do what you love and the money will follow." OK. I'll just spark up this J and wait for the Brinks truck to arrive.
TheMaskedBandit Dear Twitterverse, How hard is it to legally change your name? Sincerely, The Duke Of Pussyville
razorwitted Sure, kids GROW. But cheap PJs STRETCH. Problem solved.
debenham In this part of America in this part of December, it is 62 degrees. At 9-something AM. I'm drafting my apology to the Mayans.
goldengateblond Two trains leave opposite stations. One is going 70mph, the other is going 75mph. What time will I say I'm too fat for these jeans and cry?
WadetoBlack First Tiger Woods. Now Ron Wood from the Rolling Stones was arrested in a domestic altercation. Based on my SAT knowledge, John Woo is next.
trixieboots Lawn sign: "Merry Christmas! This is the month that God comes to earth!" Not to be confused with the other 11 months when we're just SOL.
Girl11Eleven Internet, phone & TV went out and at the same time it began to snow. Panic insued. I've had a glimpse of the Apocalypse and it isn't pretty.
QuinnK Fly: 1, Me: 0. This is the way all good battles start.
VaginaDrum My old diabetic cat lost a tooth. My dad is sending it to me in the mail. I told him, 'That's creepy' and he said 'Well it's in a bag.'
iamnotdiddy I'm going geocaching. And by "I'm going" I mean "I am" and by "geocaching" I mean "stealing shit out of people"s garages to pay for crack".