Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
VaginaDrum I try to insert conversations about period sex in almost everything I do. It's mostly why no one talks to me. Another reason? Beanie babies.
davio1962 I'm going to Costco at 9:30am in order to look for a great, big tub of "What The Hell Am I Doing At Costco At 9:30am ?".
debenham Got prescribed a muscle relaxant. I took it, but I can still make a fist and I haven't soiled myself. FAIL.
RexHuppke Kraft is trying to buy Cadbury? This means my dream of boxed macaroni and chocolate is tantalizingly close to being realized!
WadetoBlack Taylor Lautner AND Bon Jovi on SNL next week? Holy shit are the Twilight moms going to be in a good mood for their husbands Sunday morning.
wood Nobody ever says "Hey, look! Ninjas!"
WadetoBlack National Kidney Association called earlier asking if I had anything to donate. I freaked out & hung up before realizing they meant clothes.
hotdogsladies Who the fuck gives Lowly Worm a driver's license? Think, people. Think.
JephKelley Do you think Cobra Commander gets paper checks or does direct deposit? I just can't see him walking into a bank. Especially with that mask.
GSouder The woman behind me just ordered a six inch in a bun. I had no idea subway had anal on the menu
Girl11Eleven I before E except after C. Except in: Their, weird, neighbor, heists, codeine or 100s of other words. The rule will work for the word LIE.
baileygenine So it's, don't wear white after Labor day, don't wear black with blue and don't wear clothes under a trench coat, right?
Kathy_L I'm guessing the estimated "servings per container" of this cereal does not mean how many fistfuls I can stuff in my mouth in one sitting.
factualfiction Someone keeps leaving used tea leaves in the office sink. Had them read & was told I wont be caught if I kill the sloppy tea drinking bitch.
hotdogsladies Key to finding a quiet, solitary place to smoke a cigar is to show up literally anywhere smoking a cigar. Mere seconds: ALL yours.
robdelaney Methinks *SOMEBODY's* getting laid tonight! (If it's you, may I watch from behind a plant?)
drew42e Worst thing about parenthood is checking to see if the kids leftover milk cup is tonights, or last nights. 1/2 the time the taste is awful
slapclap I am a self-hating hoosier. Unless the movie Hoosiers is on. Then i'm a self-hating fan of Dennis Hopper career comebacks.
Dolanite I would swear a woman in disguise just tried to run me down outside my building, but it could be all the Remington Steele Ive been watching.
BeTheBoy The good thing about having friends who've been to prison is that they think my house is nicer than it is.
morgan_murphy Gotta skip therapy this mornin. Luckily I'm the picture of mental stability (or if not the picture, at least a drawing made with your blood)
gunthergreen I can tell I didn't drink as much as usual last night because I'm already hungover instead of still hammered.
artichoked Does anyone have any holiday cocktail recipes involving NyQuil & me not having to get out of bed today?
Ryan_Please When I'm away for awhile and it says "59 new tweets" when I return... Don't kid yourself.
WadetoBlack Part of me died earlier when I became the protagonist in the "It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring" song my kids were singing.
Dav3Ston3 Actor friends: before taking a role, take a moment to think of Mark Singer & wonder, if I play this part, will I be The Beastmaster forever?
debenham There's a fallen branch sticking straight up in my yard where I walked the dog earlier. It'd have killed me! If I were made of sod.
glitterplease Someone at work got me sick. Again. I'm gonna spread typhoid like my name is Mary at this bitch and teach these fuckers a lesson.
Aimee_B_Loved I want to be a dramatic re-enactor when I grow up. Preferably on Unsolved Mysteries.
Dav3Ston3 I have $7 in cash. I want you to know in case I'm mugged and killed today you can go on about how senseless it was that I was killed for $7.
michaelianblack Wife was offended when I said she smelled "yeasty."
tj Saw a rainbow: didn't make me want to fuck a dude. Found the end; no pot of gold. I'm starting to think rainbows are lying sons of bitches.
morgan_murphy someone stole the light off my bike. Now I know what it feels like to be brutally raped. (because that happened after my light was stolen)
Jim_Hamilton I drink to forget. But forget what? Aha, it's working!
xrayedman The 2 most deadly viruses on the earth: 1. Ebola 2. Any virus a pre-school toddler brings home from daycare.
johndstearns Looks like PeopleofWalmart.com has their own TV show now. Oh wait... that's just "Cops". My bad.
StillDrew Have a bottle of wine I've been saving for a special occasion. I don't think it gets more special than, 'because it's 7:42.'
RexHuppke The first wildly over-hyped winter storm of the season is always the best. The snowflakes taste like meteorologist tears.
Ryan_Please I hate when my FIL shows up without calling first. It's like he dosen't want me to fuck his daughter.
Bauart Some Walmart customers have a mullet; but for most, the mullet has them.
Rayke So far tonight I've watched Gossip Girl, and now Glee. Later tonight, the RW/RR Challenge finale. I'm one 90210 episode away from my period.
JephKelley I like how my hands smell after pumping gas. I may even start bathing in gasoline unless somebody has a good reason why that's a bad idea.
thebenbrooks I think "Waterloo" was ABBA's Waterloo.
Caissie The new AOL is like when we got a new dress for my Grammy's funeral. She looked OK, but she still didn't work.
DavidPressman How can I pleasure myself to Brady Quinn and @richeisen if Time Warner Cable refuses to carry the NFL Network? This sucks!
Dianneamus "I like to watch Dora the Explorer and yell expletives at her when she tells me to do things. It's good practice for when I have kids."
reverendross "Worst year of my life. Glad it'll over soon," she tells the cat. But the cat hears this every December and only cares about food.
GSouder Who ever invented traffic jams can suck it. Wait, is it "Who ever" or "Whom ever"? Whatever, grammar can suck it too.
MrBigFists I'm sending these Zhu Zhu Pet Hamsters off to the Island of Misfit Sex Toys. They're no substitute for the real thing.
CranberryPerson What is the point of existence if your favorite football squad isn't very good? TRICK QUESTION THERE IS NONE.
Aimee_B_Loved Whoever decided that chocolate fountains are only for special occasions is no friend of mine.
davio1962 That the 1st Hannukah lamp burned for 7 more days than predicted, proves that even in Biblical times, the oil companies couldn't be trusted.
AnthonyDeVito I hope Jenny McCarthy's new ABC Family film "Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe" ends with less bloodshed than "Santa Baby 1: No Witnesses."
FriedWords My oldest son just asked for something 'healthier' to eat instead of Lucky Charms. So yeah, he's no longer my favorite.
johnmoe Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug. Both times, of course, are when you're hallucinating. You're a person.
WadetoBlack Ironically wearing ugly holiday sweaters is the new unironically wearing ugly holiday sweaters.
CranberryPerson BOOM timesheets. BOOM clean my desk. BOOM think up less obnoxious way to convey the immediacy with which I complete menial tasks.