Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
lefauxfrog Somewhere, a network executive is waking from a sound sleep to furiously scribble "25/8 news coverage!" on a notepad by his nightstand.
AlisonRosen I totally have a Word doc open and I totally wrote some words and even italicized a few. It's like I'm really getting shit done today.
TheMadTurkey You don't want to eat me on Thanksgiving, I have less dark meat than a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert.
Rayke Her: Research paper. Do you know anything about euthanasia? Me: They work in sweatshops? Her: Inappropiate. And a bit racist. Well done.
WadetoBlack Apparently we're having homemade chicken soup tonight. Most people might be excited by this, but not me. I'm not sick. And I have no soul.
Aimee_B_Loved Judging by the sounds the boss and his computer are making, I'd say the space invaders are winning.
steveagee what the hell is a Verizon Droid? what the fuck is Google Wave? How long have I been asleep???
Jim_Hamilton No matter how many ties I pretend to look at, it is obvious to everyone in Nordstrom's that I came in only to take a shit.
hotdogsladies I interpret Obama's silence on the issue as a tacit admission he's working with the Greys, Jodie Foster, and Jim Davis to steal my thoughts.
davio1962 Still working on my idea for a combination, Asian Food/Bondage lounge. Hoping to call it "Thai Me Up".
WadetoBlack Good: Had the game-winning hit in softball tonight vs. our town's cocky young, athletic firefighters. Bad: I'm screwed if we have a fire.
adamisacson OMG the plane's landing and the guy next to me has his tray table down! If you're reading this, it means I managed to climb over the body.
TheMadTurkey The country Turkey? There's no turkeys there. Maybe Alanis Morisette will write a song about it.
FunnyLvnGirl Fine. I'll go to church with you today. But, I'm wearing my jammies, not fixing my hair & taking coffee. People will stare. Your decision.
TheMadTurkey So what if I have flabby skin hanging off my neck? It's called a wattle. What's yours called, grandma?
kolchak Papa Johns offers a pizza with 6 meats, but doesn't take kindly to you asking if one of them is human.
afoolishwit Sliced my right index finger at work. Luckily, not the main finger I use for communication. But later tonight's gonna be rough.
ZenGrifter Before Twitter came along I had to spray-paint this shit onto railway bridges.
shareyourdonuts (while traveling in a Muslim country) Man sneezes. Me: God bless you!
derek_huff Me:My Blackberry fell in the urinal. Boss:Did you get it out? Me:No! I peed on it. Boss:Why would you pee on it? Me:It was in the urinal!
thebenbrooks Me: "That's called a recumbent bike." 2 1/2 yr old: "What does recumbent mean?" Me: "It means he's not interested in girls sweetheart."
Aimee_B_Loved Somewhere, my doppelganger is peering into her fun-sized pack of Skittles, disappointed by all reds and no greens.
Blue_Crab Awkward Guy is creepily giggling alone in his office. I can't tell if this is the beginning or the end of the horor movie.
ajonathancox Lady Gaga confuses both my upstairs and my downstairs parts.
davio1962 Ever totally screw up something at work, but then have an epiphany & solve the problem? Today, that was me. Minus the 'solving' part.
CourtneyReimer I've noticed Pizza Hut avoids the word "pizzeria" in its ads. Probably because it rhymes with what their product tastes like.
kolchak WHY WOULD YOU ACCUSE BARNEY OF STEALING FROM THE COOKIE JAR? HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ARMS, YOU FUCKING MORON? WHAT ARE YOU, FIVE YEARS OLD? Oh.
MrAlexAdams When a coloring book is completed, do you then call it a *colored* book? Cuz that's racist. And I will not tolerate ur crayon based bigotry.
Caissie Remember when 2 sets of twins plus a set of sextuplets was an article in the Enquirer instead of a show on TLC called 'Table for 12'?
adamisacson I microwaved an "organic breakfast burrito" without stopping halfway to turn it. It was gross! So I followed the directions. It was gross!
nicdarling Just noticed the building vending machine features an "Extreme Relaxation Beverage". I'm not sure I want my relaxation to be extreme.
PFTompkins Sad I missed @Hodgman's book reading last night. Cause I'm illiterate. Even now, I hope I put these shapes in the right ordre!
Trick_or_tweet I have a plausible guess where my pen is, given that I just found a tampon behind my ear.
Caissie I cannot believe that it is Sesame Street's 40th anniversary & they haven't solved Mr. Hooper's murder yet.
Dolanite The Temp wears keys on his belt, making him sound like a tiny janitor as he stomps around. It's going to make him really easy to hunt.
richardroeper Carrie Prejean keeps talking about the effort to silence her. She's talking about it on national TV. I'd say that means the effort sucks.
TheMadTurkey The day after Thanksgiving is known as Black Friday for shoppers. You know what turkeys call it? Nothing. Because, you know, we're dead.
Blue_Crab The Boss's wife tried to dress up today. It looks like a circus got really drunk and threw up on her.
cantamorada There are advantages to hardly ever cleaning out my car. Like having a change of clothes for a surprise meeting on a day I wore sweatpants.
hugel If CBS were truly looking to push the boundaries they’d have picked up Shit My Dads Say.
nevenmrgan When you're peeing, coughing is like holding the B button in Super Mario.
FriedWords Seeing a ghost is probably the scariest, but I bet seeing a vagina from the 70's has to be a close second.
bestgirlbetty This day has had too many man issues. I need to go watch a Hillary Swank movie or lick a cat.
WadetoBlack It's possible that the population of exotic animals and insects would be endangered if late night talks shows went extinct.
davio1962 Trying to help my son with his history project. Years from now kids will be doing *their* history projects on my murderous rampage today.
WadetoBlack My daughter brings a lot of stuffed animals into bed w/ us. Related, what I did to Mr. Fluffy last night was just an accident. He's soft!
johnmoe If life hands you an impossible situation, make ImpossibleSituationAde: the least popular sports drink of all time!
Aimee_B_Loved I'd better shave my legs this week. Otherwise Saturday is going to look more like Satyr-day.
TheCline Smushed candy corn in our stairwell for over a month now. 99% sure it's one of mine. Pride mixed with realization we have filthy stairwells.
blaine23 Just dialed 1-900-MIX-A-LOT. Got a call center in India. Luckily, Mr. Patel is confident he can assist me with kicking these nasty thoughts.
FartSandwich I bet the story of Gandhi would make a terrific video game. You just lie down, get your ass beat, then you win. Sort of.
TheMaskedBandit Is there any occasion fancy enough to get country singers into a pair of slacks? Oscars? State dinner? Meeting the Queen?
bumpcrud The fact that I just saw someone buy Silk Stalkings Season 5 makes me hate our freedom.
TheMadTurkey These days, the only thing you’re really giving thanks for now is Indian Casinos. And that Val Kilmer movie set on that Indian reservation.
FussySaffa Why is it that people never seem to fight on top of trains these days?
thewesterly Alright, monkey. You've tracked me to my secret lair. You've disabled my sentries. You've even pooped on my secretary. Let's finish this.
LarryCarroll I just received a Jeremy Piven air freshener in the mail. It smells...fishy.
artichoked If I told you I was rooting around in the jelly bean jar for my favorite flavor & some fell out & into my bra, would that be sexy or sad?
supmister Shooting a midget out of a canon into a crowd could be the only thing that'll convince me that "guns don't kill people, people kill people."
genegeorge Life was much better when 90% of people never went more than 5 miles from home. Also there was plague.
Kathy_L What I would really like is something that brings milkshakes to my yard.
dpressman Lou Dobbs quit CNN? Who the hell am I gonna masturbate to from 4 - 5pm?
sportsguy33 Wow, Durant made me post a Tweet with 2 different words in caps. He turns me into a teenage girl. Im only missing headgear + a training bra.
Xytrex I marched into our 5pm meeting carrying a trident and humming a Gregorian chant. We won't be having any more 5 pm meetings.
slag_mag I'm probably late to the game on this one, but I'd like everyone to thank the KISS Army for their years of service on this special day.
Jessabelle2o7 As I chased my Vicodan and unripe banana with hot cocoa, I had a moment of déjà vu: the night of the Bonobo monkey-Emanuel Lewis rape dream.
DaveHolmes I think Wynonna Judd's personal style character is "Lesbian Bumpkin Magician Superhero."
WadetoBlack The bright side of seeing a homeless guy on the trolley reading a romance novel with a hand on his crotch is being able to tweet about it.
JezebelTheGreat Attic Boy's parents are pleading guilty and aren't going to jail? Lame. JACK FUCKIN MCCOY would've sent them to jail.
blackcallalily If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunchtime.
michaelianblack How am I supposed to make my "masturbating to Carrie Prejean masturbation video" if I can't see hers first? Very frustrating.
Dolanite Nice eh? #thingsyouprobablyshouldntaskyourgynocologist.
CranberryPerson My new building is going to be a block away but I am getting really nervous that its Starbucks won't be as good as the Starbucks here.
johnmoe When Clifford the Big Red Dog's time is up, it's going to be horrible in so many ways. The putting down, the burial, all of it.
DougBenson When someone tells me they're not on Twitter, I just assume that they can't read or write. And then I throw my drink in their face.
hotdogsladies Listen. I don't wear these Mr. Potato Head ears, lips, nose, and glasses to "look cool." I'm Tatin' Up because it's tribal; it's WHO I AM.
morgan_murphy It's gotta suck if you're really superstitious AND own a black cat. Youd just spend all your time at home scared shitless.
Lorisays Everyone plays at the Middle School Girls Volleyball game. By "everyone," I mean even spectators. By "plays," I mean gets hit by the ball.
CourtneyReimer I've seen the death of journalism and it is this girl at Columbia J-School desperately clinging to a copy of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
Trick_or_tweet 2009 is the year of the pig & we have Swine flu. 2010 is the year of the cock. I hope the cocks won't need isolation.
paulscheer The pixar movie UP is just of a sweeter version of Grand Torino with balloons
FartSandwich Water cooler guy came to the office today. He asked our receptionist if he could see her jugs and I said, "I think I've seen this movie."
Aimee_B_Loved I went to Jurassic Park and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. And disemboweled by a Velociraptor.
RexHuppke "YOU can't believe it's not butter. But I CHOOSE to not believe it's not butter." Never grocery shop with a philosopher.
morgan_murphy I have a lot of die hard lesbian fans. I don't mean they like me a lot, I mean they're women who look like Bruce Willis.
Jim_Hamilton Boy meets girl. Girl fucks quarterback. Boy builds death-ray (or writes poetry, depending on budget).
bumpcrud Underground Bare Knuckled Kangaroo Boxing? Like, Kangaroo Fight Clubs? Is that a thing? I'm asking for a dream I had.