Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
TheCline Between Community & Mad Men, I'm one plane ticket and a radiator away from Black Snake Moaning the hell out of Alison Brie.
Xytrex It's apparent she puts on her makeup by opening her cosmetics bag, shoving her face in side and shaking vigorously.
bestgirlbetty God DAMMIT. Used up my 1066th tweet and it wasn't about the Battle of Hastings. This just became the worst motherfucking birthday ever.
artichoked HOWARD THE DUCK is on. I saw this shit in the theater. Yep, even back then I was making good choices.
VaginaDrum Got an email from Kettle Chips extending an invitation to join their 'Inner Circle.' Seems like eating two bags a week has finally paid off.
linajk Shouldn't Captain Crunch be Admiral Crunch by now?
nathanrabin passed a lady destined to be the oldest woman at the bar tonight. There was a perfect symmetry between her leather pants and leathery hide.
VaginaDrum I need a way to sleep with the covers over my head while still being able to breathe comfortably. Something like a depression Snuggie.
drew42e With the wife out of town, thinking of going to Chuck E. Cheese's to kill a few hours. Now I just have to find somebody to watch the kids
johnmoe Thanks to Lego Star Wars, my family's living the dream of seeing Gen. Grievous and a Tusken Raider hanging out on Hoth for no reason.
WadetoBlack OMG, OMG, the new American Girl catalog just came in the mail!! I mean, oh shit stains, the new American Girl catalog just came in the mail.
FriedWords My son's friend is spending the night. I hope that means his parents are gonna have sex. Otherwise these night vision goggles were a waste.
Jim_Hamilton What happened? This bar was empty when I fell asleep and no one was paying money to put their balls in my mouth.
CourtneyReimer It's pretty clear that no member of Black Eyed Peas need be present in order for it to be considered a Black Eyed Peas performance.
JephKelley I don't think you need to go to church on Sunday to worship. For instance, I'm in bed praying to God that this hangover goes away soon.
ange_black Why do I *have* to wear pants to go get a coffee and a bagelwich? My underpants are clean. Clean-ish. Okay, I'll put on my fucking pants.
summersumz Say what you will about print journalism, it remains the best tool for drying out rain-soaked shoes.
Xytrex My back hurts pretty bad today. If it could talk it would probably say "What in the hell, I can talk?" Then it would complain about hurting.
mookiewilson86 The Jets' offense leads the NFL in making announcers comment, "They're lucky that one wasn't picked off." And SARS.
The_Sock_Puppet If I ever find out who wrote my phone # on the mens bathroom wall at the gas station, I'll thank them
Caissie May Matt Lauer never call me "an incredible lady" as a result of my face being chimped off. Lord, hear my prayer.
WadetoBlack I think I cut myself worse shaving on Mondays because subconciously I'm trying to find the jugular.
mrdavehill I am either too old or too young to have as many crumbs in my bed as I do right now.
CourtneyReimer People who pronounce it "Na-BOK-ov" are the same people who don't know Sting had a career before he became an easy-listening megastar.
iamnotdiddy I have a staff infection and by "staff" I mean "stupid fucking people I work with" and by "infection" I mean "I hate them."
FartSandwich Actions speak louder than words, especially if that action is shouting.
I_am_JMan I just realized that Destro is just destroy without the "y". Those Hasbro people are so clever.
WadetoBlack Lost: Work motivation. Last seen at the corner of April and May 2009. If found, euthanize immediately.
thebenbrooks After 12 years of marriage, I'll be the second to admit I've made some bad choices.
StillDrew You know what's like herding cats? Herding cats. But why would you want to? Now shooting cats in a barrel? I could get into that.
Jim_Hamilton I like the term "personal publishing." Every time I post a tweet, I call mom and yell, "I got published!"
deighvan I just noticed that during our illness my 2yr old's Kai-Lan doll has slept with everyone in this house. Kai-Lan is a sick ho.
xrayedman There is no 'I' in team and there is no 'Team' in Cleveland.
cravenheart The only way to get my wife into bed is to set a gin trap.
michellew_There's a large number of "hair restoration" people following me. Have they SEEN me? I've got more hair then Madonna's armpits in the 80's!
SarahKSilverman I keep confusing 9-11 and 7-11. Gotta stop going to ground zero for Nerds Rope.
DaveHolmes Somewhere there is hours of footage of Payton Manning and Justin Timberlake doing improv.
nerdist Ah, late-night PBS. A vegetable crisper of British leftovers.
diplo i hope I get hit in the head with a meteor
bestgirlbetty It's always sunny in my cleavage. With scattered showers of crumbs, yes, but it's always sunny.
MrBigFists I wish my neighbors would put blinds up in their bathroom window so I could stop climbing this tree every morning.
coachbaby4 Freedom of expression is important to me & that's why all my panties have messages on the back.
Caissie I don't mind if absorbed twins follow me, but no absorbed twin spammers! I don't want to see your abs0rb3dtw1nfvck3dv1ds, guys.
Aimee_B_Loved I can't think of a single image that would be as awesome and terrifying as jousting narwhals. Make that happen, Wild Kingdom.
kolchak It's not yellow snow. It's a ghetto icee.
knitterplease I am NOT listening to Christmas music. I'm listening to the holiday date-rape classic, "Baby It's Cold Outside".
RexHuppke Sorry, boss, nudity is not listed as a policy violation in the employee handbook. See for yourself. It's right here. In my lap.
RexHuppke This day is like watching a pair of mimes perform "Waiting for Godot."
VaginaDrum I've watched so many murder mysteries, I just keep them on in the background and listen for buzz words like 'semen' 'knife' and 'Nashville.'
WadetoBlack My wife's busy fake cooking in in her fake cafe in the Cafe World game on Facebook. I'm eating microwave hot dogs. Something is wrong here.
brashlionroars The dude from Kiss in the cat makeup totally drew the short straw
danlevyshow Just saw a guy who looks like the homeless me. I gave him in dollar in case there is some back to the future shit going on.
TheMadTurkey Tried to get some celebrity friends to help my cause by singing Do They Know Its Thanksgiving Time, but even the other Baldwins ignored me.
JeeNeeBee I just stuffed my washing machine so full, I'm going to have to rename it Kirstie.
RexHuppke Great. Along with a bad knee, nose hair and lower-back pain, I've started snoring. I'm a Matlock marathon shy of Geezerville.
razorwitted For us, it's just a speedbump in the week, but for Quasimodo, Wednesday was *his* day...
TheCline Me: How often should I change the filter in my new furnace? Him: Same way you do now. Every month or so. Me: [awesome poker face] Of course.
TheMaskedBandit Has anyone used 'Harry Chronic Jr.' for a weed name yet? If not, we need to be getting much more creative.
WadetoBlack When faced with the difficult choice between just two toilet stalls, I sometimes like to ask myself: What Would Robert Frost Do?
mrdavehill That movie "The Maid" was totally different from what I was expecting/not wearing pants for.
QuinnK My landlord got upset when I told him I was going to build a "fake" fire in my fake fireplace. (It's all about good finger quote placement.)
artichoked After my dog finishes eating, he wipes his mouth on the living room carpet. I assume he learned this behavior from my husband.
bestgirlbetty Early meeting at work this a.m. with a gunty woman. Adding "I got up early for gunt" to my "things I never expected to say" list.
Caissie I am using the new Fit or Fugly iPhone app to determine if the people around me are good looking or not. I was so tired of wondering!
StillDrew I bet when the officer asked if I knew why he had pulled me over he was looking for more than, “Meh.” Related: Tasers taste like burning.
keithglover I treat foreplay like a game of Tekken. I just move all my fingers as frantically as possible & pray I activate some sort of special move.
designbuff I keep forgetting to put on deodorant. Operation Hobo Transformation is a go! Next up: Fashioning a bindle stick and riding freight trains.
razorwitted It's a good thing Jesus wasn't beheaded, because a diamond-studded guillotine wouldn't make NEARLY as charming a pendant.
wood Ramen, chopped ham, dash of Sriracha & worcestershire, slice of cheese and a fried egg. I am the Iron Chef of sadness & disappointment.
Dav3Ston3 Today, on her first birthday, Mirabel learned of the joy and betrayal that resides within all rubberbands.
ajonathancox About to put the office nudity policy to the test!
Jim_Hamilton What has two thumbs and is done drinking and I mean it this time baby just LET ME IN THE GODDAMN HOUSE?!?
RexHuppke Agent: The eagle has landed. HQ: You've spotted the target? Agent: No. An eagle. It's magnificent! (Ornithologists make lousy spies.)
Caissie Now Twitter is asking me "What's happening?" If I find out Twitter is Raj, I"m going to be PSYCHED!
davio1962 I put that Math teacher in her place when I said my daughter wouldn't need her precious "Geometry", once she becomes an exotic dancer.
artichoked Snuggie commercial has a girl raising the roof, guy doing the cabbage patch & a dog with glasses. The snuggies are the LEAST shameful part.
slapclap Hell is Kid Rock concert footage, not other people (unless they go to Kid Rock concerts).
DaveHolmes Probably sometimes when people are trying to ironically type "teh," they mess up and type "the."
unsupervised Signing a birthday card after John Hancock must have been infuriating.
carolinekeith My problem of "I want to wear flats but this skirt looks better with heels" was solved with cleavage. Nothing can't be solved by boobs.