Week 17 NFL Picks with Goose - Now or Never

It's true, things look grim. 8-8 last week helps me not one whit; and other than a complete Cline collapse means I will be doling out sushi and delicious beer.

Of course, I still have one day left - a day of mediocre football games and questionable effort - to make up the ground and come out of nowhere to take the crown.

And because I still have that one chance, I unleash the full power of the underdog on all of you, in an attempt to taste the delicious nectar of the gods on my lips freely while increasing my mercury levels. Hopefully not too much so that I have to pull a Piven, but we'll see how it goes.

On the flip side the underdogs and the picks...



As always, picks are CAPITALIZED and bold...

ST. LOUIS @ Atlanta -14.5

St. Louis has been playing for "pride" for weeks now - Atlanta has no idea how to beat that, right? Actually, I think St. Louis might simply be playing just for half time before they simply just give up and roll...kinda like what the allies thought about doing in Victory. Hopefully, the Rams have a Caine-esque leader among them that will urge them on to go out and take the field, forgoing offseason freedom...



JACKSONVILLE @ Baltimore -12.5

This could be a pretty hard hitting game, right? Two physical teams going up against one another. Jacksonville definitely feels like Danie LaRusso, don't they? Sweep the leg!



(Quick note: I never liked the about face Johnny does at the end, handing LaRusso the trophy and telling him, "You're all right." He went from an illegal move (dropping the elbow on Danny boy's leg) to giving him the ultimate respect by handing him the trophy in like 8 seconds. That's now way a Cobra Kai should act. C'mon.)

Oakland @ TAMPA BAY -13

A game with huge implications for a number of teams in the NFC. If Tampa Bay loses, it opens the floodgates for possible playoff scenarios. Jesus, I kinda hope Tampa Bay simply wins so we don't have to see the idiots on all the post game show collectively jizz on one another trying to explain what it means for certain teams. Speaking of jizz...



I mean seriously - Biggs getting Elizabeth? No chance Vegas has odds for that on any board.

Cleveland @ PITTSBURGH -10.5

Is Dorsey still leading this bunch? I'm thinking the group of guys I played football with in college could beat Cleveland tomorrow, and one of those guys lost a toe! (PSA - Never play football in the snow with a sneaker you've duct taped together) Speaking of the cold, and ice and insurmountable odds, what better place to show the Mighty Ducks taking on Iceland?



(I'm guessing Julie "the Cat" Gaffney got pucked like crazy after that save. Even if she does show good sportsmanship at the end.)

New England @ BUFFALO +6.5

No idea how Buffalo wins this game, but I can't take New England and gain any ground. And that line is suspiciously low... It's almost like the Bills are playing for an entire country against a robotic opponent that shows no fear.



KANSAS CITY @ Cincinnati -3

Bengals a favorite? I know they're at home and they're playing the Chiefs, but still... As for this upset, say what you want about the Matrix films, but the freeway scene is a work of art:



DETROIT @ Green Bay -9.5

There has to be some element of pride the Lions are playing for today, right? Right? Them winning would be a miracle...



(The way sports are played now, something like this simply can't happen. And that's a shame.)

CHICAGO @ Houston -2.5

Chicago has something to play for still, and while Houston has been hot of late, I still think the Bears show up and give it their all. I'm not saying Houston is Buddy Revell or anything...



(Guy just doesn't like people touching his jacket. Seriously, after seeing your principal get laid out, could you still fight? It might have some psychological significance.)

Tennessee @ INDIANAPOLIS +3

I'll take Indy plus some points at home. Why not? Also, while I'm not sure there's an underdog in this fight, I'm not going to pass up the chance to give you this video - especially when the fight begins with a guy pornographically licking a knife:



GIANTS @ Minnesota -6.5

I think resting players is a mistake - especially when you have a bye already. Takes them longer to get into the game and messes things up. Giants ran right through the playoffs last year, barely making it and look where it got them. And I think Coughlin knows that so he's not going to give a sideline ticket to everyone. This one ends closer than you'd think.



Why this video? Well, it's a major upset for any guy being able to make it through the entire 1:36 even with the allure of women kissing women. Wow, was that tough. Fitting for a Giants game however.

CAROLINA -3 @ New Orleans

Inter-division rival with two teams that I assume don't like each other. I mean who knows? Regardless, I think it's going to be close - each team loves the weapons they have.

Speaking of weapons - powdered glass to the face... I don't care who you are, that's going to hurt. I know I've linked to this before, but I doubt I'm going to get any complaints - especially when one guy uses his own guts to try to strangle another guy. That's dedication.



Miami @ JETS -2.5

I don't like hitching my star (or anything else) to Brett Favre, but he might feel he has something to prove here. Although if I were Mangini, I think I'd throw the game as an ultimate fuck you to Belichek. Let's hope he's not thinking like me.



Upset here? This is Rik Ocasek's wife. Yeah this guy:



Dallas @ EAGLES -1.5

Eagles win this game after it's determined it means nothing. In a way, it's the ultimate fuck you to the fans. Luckily for us, the greatest upset in the making already happened this season:



No, not the actual world series - the fact that the media didn't drown us in stories about how awful the fans were during the celebration. I'm still shocked.

SEATTLE @ Arizona -6

You telling me the Seahawks aren't going to be charged up to give Holmgren a win on the way out?



Denver @ SAN DIEGO -8

Eight points be a lot. Especially for a game that has ridiculous playoff/division implications. Good to see a team that could go 8-8 will make the playoffs.



WASHINGTON @ San Francisco -3

Anyone else think Singletary acts like the guy in 300 during half time? Uh, me neither.

Week #6 NFL Picks with your host Goose

Much like the stock market in the past week, my picks have taken a nosedive. I hope you weren't surprised by this however. All the signs were there: my hedging on Oakland picks; my inexplicable love for the Lions to cover anything; my constant rantings that I don't know what I'm doing. Unfortunately, I also have to tell you that it's only going to get worse before it gets better.

But it will get better.

You see, I'm a Phillies fan, and right now, with them in the playoffs, I'm just not that interested in football. It's not where my mind is. I'm in playoff baseball mode, and there's nothing to get me out of that. So, I won't blame you at all if you head over and dip into Cline's picks. After all, he's doing much better than me, and his favorite team is whoever is currently selling the most merchandise. And I can guarantee you he's not rooting for the Phillies. Which is why I'm also including this video:



If you're not a Phillies fan, than it's hard to explain why these playoffs are so important. Philadelphia doesn't have a great history when it comes to playoffs. The last championship in the city was from the 76ers back in 1983 - and that was at a time when the NBA was about as popular as a speed skate-barrel jumping on Wide World of Sports.



So when the Phillies not only make the playoffs, they advance a round, the excitement in the city rises. So, even though Philadelphia is often considered a football town, right now, a lot of people have baseball playoff fever. So I ask you to give me this small pardon.

Anyway, while I'm obviously still making my picks, know that in about an hour or so, I'll be down at the ball park screaming like a baby on fire for the Phillies to beat the Dodgers and take a 2-0 lead in the series. As a tribute, I've decided to compare each game with a former Phillie of the past. I doubt more than 4 people will get all the references, but that's how we roll here so check the flip side for my picks...



As always, picks are CAPITALIZED and Bold...

The 1983 Phillies game

Baltimore @ INDIANAPOLIS -1.5

Indy at home? Only 1.5? Yes, I know they didn't win last week so much as it was handed to them on a plate with a side of Sage Rosenfeld, but c'mon, it's still the Colts. This feels like they have one more shot in them to do damage, and 1.5 isn't that much to cover. Just like the Wheeze Kids of '83, before losing to that asshole Cal Ripken. Don't get me started.

The Rick Schu Game

DETROIT @ Minnesota -11

Ok, I really don't want to talk about it. Yes, I know I'm stupid, but no way is Detroit going 0-16, right? Right? And, much like Rick Schu was annointed the heir apparent Phillies 3rd basemen after Schmidt, I don't think the Vikings are as good as all the pundits do. Time will tell.

The Darren Daulton game

Oakland @ NEW ORLEANS -7.5

Daulton's crazy. Al Davis is crazy. I'm crazy. I wouldn't be shocked if the final score was 4-2. Still, I'm taking a Saints' squad that seems to at least be clicking on offense.

The Ivan DeJesus Game

CINCINNATI @ Jets -6.5

Feeling they needed to get over the hump and get some production out of SS, the Phillies traded for "superstar" Ivan Dejesus. We see how well that move turned out. Much like Favre is currently doing for the Jets. Oh, and the players given up for him? An aging Larry Bowa and a low-level prospect named Ryne Sandberg. And you wonder why Phillies fans hate their life?

Because I'm a Phillies fan and don't know what it feels like to win, I'm taking the Bengals.

The Ricky Otero Game

Chicago -5.5 @ ATLANTA

Right now Atlanta's frisky. They're scrappy. Not thought to do much, they're surprising everyone. In the end, the house of cards will surely fall, but I think they have a few more good performances left. Just like Ricky Otero. Now if only Matt Ryan would come out in a disproportionately large helmet, much like Otero's glove was to the rest of his body, we'd all be set.

The Travis Lee Game

Carolina @ TAMPA BAY +2

Quick, name both starting quarterbacks for this game - exactly. Just like many people are hard pressed to come up with the Phillies starting first basemen in 2001. The key piece in the Schilling trade to the Diamondbacks, the jury's still out on who made out better in that deal.

And you wonder why the Phillies in the postseason is such a big deal?

The Tyler Greene Game

ST. LOUIS @ Washington -13

Tyler Greene made an all-star game once, and he threw a knuckle curve. Destined for greatness (in the eyes of the Phillies' fans) he promptly disappeared. I see similar patterns with the Redskins and their season.

The Alan Knicely Game

Miami -1.5 @ HOUSTON


Who? Exactly. Much like this game. No one knows, no one cares. Although Knicely does have one of my favorite baseball card pictures of all time...This is the guy the Phils traded for Bo Diaz (who later tragically died trying to install a satellite dish) and went 0-7 in September of 1985. Great acquisition.












The Greg Jefferies Game

JACKSONVILLE @ Denver -2

I'm taking Jacksonville, which most likely means Denver will blow them out. It always seems to work like that. You see a team continue to cover, and finally decide to jump on the bandwagon and they procede to kill your chances. Exactly like when the Phillies signed Greg Jefferies.

The John Kruk Game

PHILADELPHIA -3 @ San Francisco

Who else thought John Kruk would have a heart attack every time he rounded first? Slightly out of shape for a church softball league, Kruk still managed to play and succeed in the big leagues. Looks can be deceiving. The line is begging you to take San Fran this week, (especially after the Eagles' past two weeks performances) which is why I'm going the other way, if that logic makes any sense.

The Tony Barron Game

Green Bay @ SEATTLE +7

Seattle is not very good, but they're playing at home, and Green Bay is not as good as its fans, the media and themselves think they are. Tony Barron was not very good either. In fact, he was a scab during the '94 strike, something Curt Schilling spoke frankly about as saying he hated scabs. However, Tony Barron also made one of the single greatest catches I've ever seen in person to preserve a Curt Schilling win at the Vet, laying out horizontal to catch a ball in right field. Afterward, Schilling waited to high five him on the field.

Tony Barron also got knocked out cold hiting the shortstop's knee with his head in an Astros game going in hard at second. At the time watching it, I thought it was the first death I had witnessed in professional sports. Somehow he got up. This has nothing to do with the Seattle/Green Bay game, but does paint a richer picture of my weird obsession with Tony Barron, a career minor leaguer who got a cup of coffee with the Phillies.

The John Felske Game

Dallas -3.5 @ ARIZONA

I love John Felske. in 1986, he led the Phillies to a second place finish in the NL East. That they were 21.5 games out of first is besides the point. Felske earned my devotion by employing the "Felske Five Man Infield™" bringing Glen Wilson into to play behind second late in a game to preserve a victory. No idea if he's the first to do this, but it doesn't matter; it was the first time I ever saw it. Of course, Felske was fired the next year after winning only 29 of the first 61 games of the season. So while I might love him, no one else does.

Kind of like Wade Phillips. A coach without a country. The Cowboys' success is attributed to assistants; their failure attributed to him. He can try to lead his team to victory, but I think at the end of the day, he's soon going to become a forgotten Cowboys' coach.

Take the Cardinals here. There's no five man infield gimmick here that can save the Cowoboys.

The Dave Hollins Game

New England @ SAN DIEGO -3

Pretty sure the Chargers have circled this game on the calendar. Nothing is going to derail them from trying to exact revenge against the Patriots. 3 points seem low, but I feel a rout. They're not getting distracted by anything - they're going in there to hurt the team that knocked them out and danced around in victory. Dancing isn't for football players (unless you're on Dancing with the Stars), and no one NO ONE will dance after beating the Chargers.

The Pete Incaviglia Game

GIANTS -7.5 @ Cleveland

Hate to give a home team more than a touchdown, but it's the Browns. That the Giants have nothing to prove will only motivate them more. They sailed through the Burress controversy. They'll sail through this game, looking to show a national audience they're still the team to beat. Chests out, the Giants offense might not look pretty, but it will strut around and toy with the Browns Monday night.

The Popcorn Trick - NFL Picks Week #5 (Goose)

So, how's it going with you? Hopefully well. In an amazing, off-the-board-at-Vegas upset, both Cline and myself are positive money so far. That is destined to change this week. Seriously, I doubt anyone is using are picks to break their bookie's bank, even with the witty reasons we give, but in the off chance you are, I'm suggesting you start looking for another source soon. I know that's not something handicappers usually admit, but until I have a 900 number where I get paid for making these picks, I'm going to be honest.

As for last week, we both went 7-6. bringing our totals for the year to:

Cline: 18-11
Goose: 16-13

It's a war or mediocrity, and there are no two people better suited to kind of slug it out.


On to the picks...(picks are bold and CAPITALIZED)

Tennessee @ BALTIMORE PK

I don't believe Tennessee is good enough to go undefeated. Therefore, they have to lose at some point. This is the game. Baltimore, though coming off a crushing loss, can't afford to lose.

Kansas City @ CAROLINA -7.5

Sure, Kansas City stunned everyone last week (everyone except me of course) including their coach I'm pretty sure. But that doesn't mean they suddenly got good. Still bad, I'm taking Carolina. But don't take my word for it, take the word of this guy whose sitting in front of a green screened Vegas strip...



SAN DIEGO -3 @ Miami

Same rules apply here. Yes, Miami beat New England. But I don't see them beating San Diego. Nor do I see them staying within 3 points of them. Miami will win a few more games, but this isn't one of them.

Washington @ PHILADELPHIA PK

I'm taking Philly simply based on where each team is in their schedule. Philly came off a game they could have won, so they're going to want to play tough. Washington came off their superbowl for the season so far, and are flying high enough to let that affect them. In Washington, maybe it's different, but it's not. Thankfully. I'll be driving home from the backwoods of Virginia and really don't need to hit that kind of traffic.

INDIANAPOLIS -4 @ Houston

ESPN the Mag tells me to choose Houston, since they are the magazine's sleeper this year. I don't know how a magazine can hype up a team and then call them a sleeper though. Isn't a sleeper by definition a team that beats low expectations that have been set by the media?

Regardless, I'm going with the Colts, as the Texans were my anti-sleeper pick.

Seattle @ NY GIANTS -5

Other than my extreme hatred for the Giants, there was something else telling me to take the Seahawks in this game. But I just can't do it. They stink. I know Burress is suspended, but I don't think that will be enough for the Seahawks. It would be great though since Burress is suspended if he just suited up with the Seahawks and played with them in a mask. That might turn the tables. Ok, so I reserve the right to change my mind - if the Seahawks start a wide receiver in a mask, take them +5.

Atlanta @ GREEN BAY -4.5

Even with Rodgers shoulder dangling out of its socket, I'm going with Green Bay. It's supposed to be negative eleventy degrees out there. No way Ryan leads a subpar team in those conditions. Besides, I'm on the same page as Fred Smoot:



Can I somehow get in a fantasy league with Fred Smoot next year?

Chicago @ DETROIT +4.5

Anyone besides me think Detroit is going to blow up now that Millen is gone? Me neither. But still, I'm going to keep taking Detroit and the points until they cover. It has to happen sometime, and against Kyle Orton at home is as good a time as any. Kyle's mangy beard may have beat the Eagles last week, but it runs into a buzzsaw in Detroit this week. I hope.

Tampa Bay @ DENVER -4.5

This line seems weird. Is Griese really only 4.5 point underdog good? In Denver? After Denver just lost to the Chiefs? Normally, I'd say this is some sort of trap game, or the line is telling me something, but instead, I'm just taking the Broncos. Chucky will be displeased.

BUFFALO @ Arizona +1.5

I flip flopped a few times on this one. I don't think Buffalo is as good as its record, but I think Buffalo thinks it's as good as its record. And I think Arizona doesn't think it's as good as its record and thinks it can't win this game. Whereas Buffalo thinks it can.

NEW ENGLAND @ San Francisco -1.5

Belicheck coming off a bye seems dangerous to me. Plus I heard some guy on the radio say he thinks Belicheck will get coach of the year for his potential ability this year coaching a Bradyless team. Some stranger on the radio's advice is good enough for me, so I'm going with the Patriots.

Cincinnati @ DALLAS -11.5

Dallas is starting to get just a little nuts...The TO non-story this week secures it. So, the Bengals are the perfect opponent for them. They'll blow up on them and everyone will forget about what TO said. Until a little later in the season. But we'll keep that on ice for now.

Pittsburgh @ JACKSONVILLE PK

Two teams that pretty much play the same exact way. In fact, I bet if they all switched jerseys, it would take until the second quarter for anyone to notice - including the coaches.

Vikings @ NEW ORLEANS PK

Another game I have absolutely no idea about. Do you think Frerotte can win on the road? Do you think Reggie Bush is coming around? I have no idea. I'm just glad the Raiders aren't playing this week.

Talking NFL with the Popcorn Trick – Week 4 (Goose Picks)

Remember when the Sports Guy was funny?

Ok, that was a low blow. I believe ESPN does censor him a lot and takes away a lot of his bite. Whose fault that is, I’m in no position to comment on definitively. What I can say is I miss his golden era of writing, when it seemed like he had a real passion for sports.

What does this have to do with a post about picking NFL games? While I don’t have the talent or ability to match his old school writings, I do have the desire to at least make an attempt. So not only will this post include mediocre football picks for week 4, it will have a number of arcane references, silly ramblings and stuff that makes no sense to more than 6 people.

Everyone – welcome to the The Popcorn Trick’s NFL Week 4 picks!

If you haven’t been following the hotbed activity of the comments sections, you may have missed that The Popcorn Trick is no longer simply making NFL picks. The two main authors (more like the one main and the coattail hanging on guy) have chosen to go head to head with their picks. Beer and sushi (yeah we’re that nouveau – but don’t worry, it’s cheap sushi) are on the line. After trying to bamboozle me and include my earlier picks in the total, we hammered out a semi-cohesive challenge. Honestly, it’s a lot more inane than even this paragraph, and hopefully (don’t count on it) next week we’ll make things a lot easier to follow.

Anyway…

Since there is now something to play for, you’d think I would start putting some research into these picks. Remember, this all started because I wanted to show that research didn’t really help when it came to the NFL.

Not the case.

Honestly, before Friday I don’t even look at the matchups. I spend about 6 minutes making my actual picks. I barely follow any other football (other than the Eagles) on Sunday. I’m the one guy that isn’t involved in a fantasy league.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I’m confident that even though I do less preparation than Scott Linehan I will still beat Cline and enjoy free beer (Schlitz – the beer that made Milwaukee famous) and cheap sushi.

So without further adieu (and that’s a WAY inside joke), the picks…

(My choices are BOLD and CAPITALIZED)

CLEVELAND +3.5 @ Cincinnati

Does anyone outside of Ohio care about this game? Does anyone in Ohio care about this game? Picking this game is like choosing whether you want to be stabbed repeatedly or torn up by wild dogs. Of course, either is better than having to watch this thing. Has the Ocho Cinco thing been resolved? That’s the only reason I would tune this game in – to see what name Chad Johnson wore on his back. I heard he couldn't wear “ocho cinco” until he bought all the old jerseys back with Johnson on them…seems a little steep, but apparently it’s in the collective bargaining agreement? If I were him I’d get out a calculator, do a little number crunching and see if that would be more or less than the fines he would incur every week for wearing Ocho Cinco. But I’m spiteful.

Minnesota +1.5 @ TENNESSEE

Speaking of bad matchups – Gus Frerotte vs. Kerry Collins. Neither coach can be happy with their spot in life when they have to trot these options out there. If the Titans win, they would be 4-0! Do you think the old Dolphin players are getting nervous? Do they still get nervous? Or did last year’s Giants victory give them something to hold on to? I’d love to be in the room where they have to decide whether they should still meet and toast champagne after the last undefeated team loses, or if that tradition is over. Just one more thing the Patriots messed up when they lost to New York. Thanks fuckers.

Denver -11.5 @ KANSAS CITY

This is where I get into trouble. I see a double digit favorite playing a division rival on the road and figure there’s no possible way they can cover. Then Monday rolls around and the score will read Denver 74, Kansas City -12. But I’ve got one thing to hang my hat on:



Don’t think KC would get fired up having Tony D’Amato as coach? Heck, at this point I’d take Al Pacino as coach over Edwards.

SAN FRANCISCO +3 @ New Orleans

Mike Martz turned Kurt Warner into A Quarter Back, and now he has superstar JT Sullivan to work with. Listening to the radio this morning (First team on FOX with Steve Czaban – I’m going to be honest, I think it’s decent) someone on there suggested the 49ers are doing well because Alex Smith refused to 100% buy into Mike Martz system, and therefore got into his doghouse. Apparently Sullivan buys in. It sounded like logical advice, so I’m going with it. And because we’re on the subject of San Francisco, I’d be an awful person if I didn’t tell you to eat here when you're there.

Don’t look at the menu, just tell them it’s your first visit. In a couple of hours you’ll be drunk and have no idea what you ate, but it will have been good.

ARIZONA PK @ Jets

Wow, are these games uninspiring. Let’s go with the Cardinals because Favre is hobbling around apparently and the Jets stink. At least I think they do. I think I heard somewhere too that since the Cardinals had two east coast games (last week Washington, this week Jets) that they stayed out here the whole time instead of flying home. Insight like that has to account for something.

GREEN BAY -3 @ Tampa Bay

If you’re a quarter back on Tampa Bay, I feel sorry for you. I’m guessing Garcia slept with...well depending on what rumor you're likely to believe I'll simply say a member of his family, because to start Brian Griese…well…

Atlanta +4 @ CAROLINA

I have absolutely nothing to write about this game, so I’ll instead ruminate on the David Blaine special from Wednesday. First of all, dive of death = LAME.

Here’s video shot from the crowd. Stay with it for the audience's reaction:



Second, did we really need John Saunders announcing this? We couldn’t get someone else with ruined credibility already? They had to go and ruin his now?

HOUSTON +7 @ Jacksonville

Houston has to show something at some point, and Jacksonville doesn’t feel like a blowing-out-the-opponent kinda team to me. With a huge win last week, coupled with a Houston team they probably think they can beat easily, I’m going with the Titans here.

SAN DIEGO -8 @ Oakland

My total befuddlement with Oakland continues. I'm just throwing darts at this point.

Buffalo – 9 @ ST. LOUIS

9 points is a lot for a team to cover. And last week I picked them to cover big at home, and they didn’t, so I’m obviously going to make a rash decision and go against them.

Washington + 7 @ DALLAS

Huge NFC East game. I remember when Dallas stunk, hadn’t won a game and went into Washington and won for their only victory on the year. If it had happened last year I would say Washington would be playing for revenge. But it was close to 20 years ago so I doubt either team cares.

Philadelphia -7 @ CHICAGO

I certainly don’t blame Kyle Orton for last week’s loss. Heck, I’m absolutely stunned by his performance. No, I blame the defense, and maybe the refs a little bit. Anyway, the Eagles are banged up, and while I think they’ll win, a touchdown is a lot. Look for Orton to keep it close.

Baltimore +1.5 @ PITTSBURGH

Apparently Philly figured out how to beat the Steelers – blitz 15 guys every down and hope the refs don’t count. Unfortunately, it probably won’t work 2 weeks in a row, so Baltimore will have to figure out something else. Are they up to the task? It’s Monday night, and even though Pittsburgh is banged up and Walker isn’t playing, I don’t see them dropping 2 in a row.

As it stands right now...

Cline: 11-5
Goose 9-7