It's true, things look grim. 8-8 last week helps me not one whit; and other than a complete Cline collapse means I will be doling out sushi and delicious beer.
Of course, I still have one day left - a day of mediocre football games and questionable effort - to make up the ground and come out of nowhere to take the crown.
And because I still have that one chance, I unleash the full power of the underdog on all of you, in an attempt to taste the delicious nectar of the gods on my lips freely while increasing my mercury levels. Hopefully not too much so that I have to pull a Piven, but we'll see how it goes.
On the flip side the underdogs and the picks...
As always, picks are CAPITALIZED and bold...
ST. LOUIS @ Atlanta -14.5
St. Louis has been playing for "pride" for weeks now - Atlanta has no idea how to beat that, right? Actually, I think St. Louis might simply be playing just for half time before they simply just give up and roll...kinda like what the allies thought about doing in Victory. Hopefully, the Rams have a Caine-esque leader among them that will urge them on to go out and take the field, forgoing offseason freedom...
JACKSONVILLE @ Baltimore -12.5
This could be a pretty hard hitting game, right? Two physical teams going up against one another. Jacksonville definitely feels like Danie LaRusso, don't they? Sweep the leg!
(Quick note: I never liked the about face Johnny does at the end, handing LaRusso the trophy and telling him, "You're all right." He went from an illegal move (dropping the elbow on Danny boy's leg) to giving him the ultimate respect by handing him the trophy in like 8 seconds. That's now way a Cobra Kai should act. C'mon.)
Oakland @ TAMPA BAY -13
A game with huge implications for a number of teams in the NFC. If Tampa Bay loses, it opens the floodgates for possible playoff scenarios. Jesus, I kinda hope Tampa Bay simply wins so we don't have to see the idiots on all the post game show collectively jizz on one another trying to explain what it means for certain teams. Speaking of jizz...
I mean seriously - Biggs getting Elizabeth? No chance Vegas has odds for that on any board.
Cleveland @ PITTSBURGH -10.5
Is Dorsey still leading this bunch? I'm thinking the group of guys I played football with in college could beat Cleveland tomorrow, and one of those guys lost a toe! (PSA - Never play football in the snow with a sneaker you've duct taped together) Speaking of the cold, and ice and insurmountable odds, what better place to show the Mighty Ducks taking on Iceland?
(I'm guessing Julie "the Cat" Gaffney got pucked like crazy after that save. Even if she does show good sportsmanship at the end.)
New England @ BUFFALO +6.5
No idea how Buffalo wins this game, but I can't take New England and gain any ground. And that line is suspiciously low... It's almost like the Bills are playing for an entire country against a robotic opponent that shows no fear.
KANSAS CITY @ Cincinnati -3
Bengals a favorite? I know they're at home and they're playing the Chiefs, but still... As for this upset, say what you want about the Matrix films, but the freeway scene is a work of art:
DETROIT @ Green Bay -9.5
There has to be some element of pride the Lions are playing for today, right? Right? Them winning would be a miracle...
(The way sports are played now, something like this simply can't happen. And that's a shame.)
CHICAGO @ Houston -2.5
Chicago has something to play for still, and while Houston has been hot of late, I still think the Bears show up and give it their all. I'm not saying Houston is Buddy Revell or anything...
(Guy just doesn't like people touching his jacket. Seriously, after seeing your principal get laid out, could you still fight? It might have some psychological significance.)
Tennessee @ INDIANAPOLIS +3
I'll take Indy plus some points at home. Why not? Also, while I'm not sure there's an underdog in this fight, I'm not going to pass up the chance to give you this video - especially when the fight begins with a guy pornographically licking a knife:
GIANTS @ Minnesota -6.5
I think resting players is a mistake - especially when you have a bye already. Takes them longer to get into the game and messes things up. Giants ran right through the playoffs last year, barely making it and look where it got them. And I think Coughlin knows that so he's not going to give a sideline ticket to everyone. This one ends closer than you'd think.
Why this video? Well, it's a major upset for any guy being able to make it through the entire 1:36 even with the allure of women kissing women. Wow, was that tough. Fitting for a Giants game however.
CAROLINA -3 @ New Orleans
Inter-division rival with two teams that I assume don't like each other. I mean who knows? Regardless, I think it's going to be close - each team loves the weapons they have.
Speaking of weapons - powdered glass to the face... I don't care who you are, that's going to hurt. I know I've linked to this before, but I doubt I'm going to get any complaints - especially when one guy uses his own guts to try to strangle another guy. That's dedication.
Miami @ JETS -2.5
I don't like hitching my star (or anything else) to Brett Favre, but he might feel he has something to prove here. Although if I were Mangini, I think I'd throw the game as an ultimate fuck you to Belichek. Let's hope he's not thinking like me.
Upset here? This is Rik Ocasek's wife. Yeah this guy:
Dallas @ EAGLES -1.5
Eagles win this game after it's determined it means nothing. In a way, it's the ultimate fuck you to the fans. Luckily for us, the greatest upset in the making already happened this season:
No, not the actual world series - the fact that the media didn't drown us in stories about how awful the fans were during the celebration. I'm still shocked.
SEATTLE @ Arizona -6
You telling me the Seahawks aren't going to be charged up to give Holmgren a win on the way out?
Denver @ SAN DIEGO -8
Eight points be a lot. Especially for a game that has ridiculous playoff/division implications. Good to see a team that could go 8-8 will make the playoffs.
WASHINGTON @ San Francisco -3
Anyone else think Singletary acts like the guy in 300 during half time? Uh, me neither.