Television's Fall Preview

Over at the A.V. Club, they've put together a preview of the upcoming Fall television season. And let's just say things don't look all that stellar. But there do seem to be a few shows with potential. Here's what I'm looking forward to...

Boardwalk Empire

It's on HBO, and that immediately gives it some cred in my book. Yes, I know HBO has stumbled a bit (but fuck you, I'm a John from Cincinnati fan and wish it was still on!) but this has some power horses (yes I just made that up) behind it including Martin Scorsese. And it looks like it's the Goodfellas Martin Scorsese and not the Kundun Scorsese so I'll definitely give my attention to this.

The Event

Ok, so yeah, this is probably going to suck, but I'm a sucker for conspiracy shows and I'll give it a chance. Besides, NBC has been promoting it so heavily I think they bought airtime to my dreams, so I'm actually programmed to watch it. I'm sure I'll get sick of it by season 8, when they still haven't completely explained what the event was.

Running Wilde

I love Arrested Development. I love Will Arnett. So I want this to be good. I really do. But after seeing this trailer for it...

...I've lowered my expectations. It's as though Mitchell Hurwitz basically figured his Arrested Development was too smart for the masses, and so he went out and created a dumb version of it. I hope I'm wrong. I'll tune in to see if I'm wrong. But I don't think I'm wrong.

Terriers

Have heard absolutely nothing about this until I read the A.V. Club preview. Stars Donal Logue so that's intriguing (he was in Life - a criminally underrated show). Also one of the Ocean's 11 writers is behind it, and I love that movie. It is on FX though which might be trouble. I have no idea what number that is on my cable box, and I fear I might lose interest in whatever show I'm looking for before I can actually find the channel. I have a relatively short attention span. Oh look, porn!

Body of Proof

Sure, it sounds like 10000 other shows. But it also boasts Dana Delaney, and for that reason alone I will tune in. My Dana Delaney admiration goes way back...no not all the way back to China Beach, but to Exit to Eden. Sure, watching that meant witnessing a Dan Akroyd/Rosie O'Donnell potential romance, and that alone should be enough for the film and all copies to be destroyed, but it also boasted Dane Delaney as a dominatrix ruling a sex island. I think. Maybe I'm not so clear on the plot anymore. And I'm not going to imdb to check it out for fear of glimpsing the Akroyd/O'Donnell coupling.

Sure, the plot sounds convoluted (something about a car accident and she loses her ability to be a surgeon but gains the ability to become a medical examiner - a super smart medical examiner that solves crimes?), but I've heard of weirder plot devices. Ok, maybe I haven't. But did I mention it stars Dana Delaney? In a Quincy-esque role?

Wait a minute - did someone mention Quincy? You know what that means...

Thought on Lost: "316"

"Get the faith out of my Lost!"

That's the twitter I sent out last night during the episode. Not because I'm not a believer in faith. That's not a debate to get into right now. I can certainly enjoy a show or movie (or book or other form of entertainment) that deals with faith in a positive and constructive way. But having it show up on Lost last night irritated me, because after a great start to season 5 with a lot of questions answered and new potential (and I'm way on board with the time travel and have been for quite some time now (I'll keep pimping myself too with that link)) they have reintroduced the idea of faith/religion having a large relevancy with what is going on.



I get the fact that Jack is a man of science and Locke is a man of faith. And that they are juxtaposing those notions this season (Locke is currently embroiled in some of the scientific aspects of the island; Jack has to believe in things he doesn't understand) but the faith subplot has largely been a minor point so far this season until last night. The whole recreating the craqsh to the best of your ability seemingly has no rational explanation, nor does Locke having Jack's dad's shoes on, which was a pretty huge disconnect for me. Now, if they go ahead and explain it in an upcoming episode and it makes (at least a little) sense, then I'm ok with it. But right now, as I watched, it took me out of the episode and annoyed me. Oh well, that's my rant.

Some other thoughts from the episode...

About five minutes in I got a text from my resident art geek telling me that lamp post is a reference to The Chronicles of Narnia and that the painting in the monastery (for lack of a better term to call it) was Doubting Thomas. Luckily, soon after that we got a little more explanation from Ben about the painting (though seriously, can we ever take anything Ben says at face value at this point) but I have no idea what the name, "lamp post" signifies. I also would have never gotten that reference, so kudos to my art geek friend.

Ben covered in blood at the marina? I'm not saying I know what's going on there, but I will say I have a bad feeling about Penny's whereabouts right now. Revenge for Alex? I guess we'll find out. I will say the first time I've ever really seen Ben flustered was in last week's episode when he saw Desmond show up. It was as if everything else he had figured out except for the Desmond curve. We'll see if that comes up later as well.

So, are we going to get a whole bunch of new castaways on the island? Seems as though there was a correlation between how accurate they could recreate the initial plane crash to how close to the "present" they could get to on the island. And no, I can't explain that sentence.

Ben is upping the dickishness, isn't he?

Anyone else think Desmond was going to hit the pendulum when he was talking to Eloise? Why didn't he just grab it? Ride it around a little bit? Like you wouldn't have laughed.

Love that Lapidus is back in the picture. Also loved his realization when he saw the survivors on his plane. "We're not going to Guam, are we?" Seriously though, is Guam really an ideal destination?

Do we think Sayid is on the plane of his own free will, or did Ben get him caught and brought back? I can't imagine he needs to be extradicted back to Guam for anything.

Ok, so let's revisit the Top Losties I Want to Hang Out With:

1. Ben - Seriously because if I'm not, he could show up bloody talking on the pay phone in front of my house. At least I could keep my eye on him.
2. Faraday - He's simply got to know something.
3. Jin - Seems like he's doing pretty well for himself
4. Jack - Even though he's walking around in a fog, obviously stuff is revolving around him.
5. Miles - I know he has a nose bleed and might not be long for this world, but still he's a survivor. I hope.
6. Lapidus - Hopefully he isn't eaten by a monster next week like the pilot from the original crash.
7. Hurley - Though I hate him, of everyone else he is acting like a rational person facing the irrationality of the situation he is in. Nice touch buying up seats on the plane.
8. I fully expect Sayid to be cuffs free on the island. Still...allegedly going against Ben last week can't be good.
9. Locke - Sure, dead now, but awesome ice burn on Jack, and c'mon - he's so not going to be dead soon.
10. Kate - Well, she's still alive. Who knows what she did with Aaron. Guess? Gave him to Claire's mom, because she's really a softie at heart!

Notables not on the list:

Juliet, Sawyer - Yeah, those nose bleeds can't be a good sign.
Jin - Boring.
Desmond - Yeah, not so sure how the family is, so...
Charlotte - well, she's dead and all. And I know that doesn't mean that much on the island, her death scene seemed pretty grave.

Let's rename Wednesday to "Lostday"

Tonight is Lost. I apologize for not writing about my thoughts on last week's season premiere, but let's be honest, I did way back when here. Ok, so that might not be exactly what's happening, but it should give you enough to see that I'm a seer. Or lucky. Or an idiot. Decide for yourselves and what else is going on on the flip side!



The other reason I didn't write is because seriously, could anyone wrap their heads around exactly what happened in those 2 hours. While we got a ton of answers (or at least some explanation leading us down a specific path) there were still plenty of questions raised. Quick comments about what we saw...

• I'm calling that the reason Locke was so all knowing in the first 2 seasons is that it will be revealed it was future Locke, or that he had already lived through it once and hte second time around he knew what had to happen.
• Charlotte seems to be having some time sickness issues. I have heard (and there are some clues alluding to it) that people seem to think she may have been born on the island, which is affecting her. That would go against my theory that people born on the island don't get bothered by time travel (see Richard Alpert), but we'll see. My theory then puts a lot of stock into Aaron. It's your call whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.
• Anyone else think Miles Straum (I get it!) knows a lot more than he's letting on. How did he get that boar so quickly? Hmmm.
• Hey Hurley. You're an idiot. Seriously, I realize Ben is a shady dude, but at what point are you going to see that he really does have a plan and getting on his side, at least a little is beneficial. It's like my Nerds movie Axiom. At what point in the series do the jocks concoct an completely ridiculous scheme to get back at the "nerds" and get their chicks back?
• Jack, you're taking a lot at face value. I'm hoping you have a plan at least formulating a little in the back of your head like you did when you had Ben's spine spliced open on the table.
• Seriously, Faraday, after your spiel about not being able to change the past, how is it you could speak to Desmond, thereby, in affect, change the past? Were you lying to Sawyer, or is this going to pay off later?
• Opinion about the season premiere? Loved the first hour. Liked the second hour. I'm all about the schemes, scams and weirdness of what's going on on the macro level and could care less about the relationships. Seriously, the Kate/Jack/Sawyer stuff is silly to me. But if you gave me an hour of Ben and Widmore playing chess in a jail cell and talking I would sacrifice an animal. So all the Hurley lies/truth blubber and going against Ben is kinda meh with me. I did like to see Cheech getting work though, so I guess I'll put up with it.

I'm also bringing back the list of people I want to hang out with based on what's going on.


1. Faraday
Based on his knowledge of time travel and the fact we saw him actually working with the Dharma Initiative leads me to believe he knows what he's doing. Also, I predict he's dead by the end of the show, sacrificing himself somehow.


2. Ben
Not sure I have to explain this one. He's got so many schemes going on and thinking 18 steps ahead of everyone (except Keamy, RIP) that he's going to be on top at the end with everyone else on the bottom.


3. Miles
If for no other reason he seems to be able to get food at the drop of a hat.


4. Desmond
Every time I see him on screen I feel he's about to take a flaming arrow to the chest. He and Faraday will probably be hand in hand in that sacrifice. Also apparently has some weird ability to move through time, so that's kinda nice.


5. Sayid
At least smart enough to pair up with Ben a little, even if he doesn't completely trust him. Also can fight more after being hit with tranquilizer darts. That has to be a important skill.


6. Sun
Off island Sun is waay different than on island Sun.


7. Locke
Though he's currently in a coffin (and "currently" kind of has a strange definition in the Lost universe), he also is rapidly bouncing through time. And he has a compass.


8. Jack
Currently a druggie doctor, that has finally admitted to himself he had to go back to the island for some reason. Plus, he couldn't get all indignant with you when you asked for his prescription pad to write some oxycontin prescriptions.


9. Juliet
Sure, she's bouncing through time on an island that no one can find with a bunch of people that want to kill her or something, but she at least knows some secrets of the island, unlike...


10. Sawyer
Who stepped on something that the camera lingered on entirely too long for it to be just some splinter. Look for Sawyer to be limping for the rest of the season. Which is still better than...


11. Charlotte
Who not only is bleeding out of the nose, getting severe headaches, but is also forgetting common things in her life. On a time traveling island with a number of groups fighting with one another and not too many modern amenities, it can't be too great.


12. Kate
Schlepping around Aaron to gas stations and getting dressed down by Sun...yeah not so much fun.


13.Hurley
When will you realize when you start thinking for yourself, especially when dealing with Ben, you will lose?

List will be updated based on what happens this season. So check back regularly.

LOST countdown started...

Ok, so what do we know?

Other than the fact that the television show Lost is a weird cultlike obsession, not much. We think we know stuff about the island, but that "think" so often is far away from the "know." And that is a major reason so many people love Lost.

Think about it. How much fun is it to discuss theories about the island with your friends in the kitchen at work or over email the day after an episode airs? How excited do you get when you spot a clue or an Easter Egg during the show, hoping no one else caught it so you can drop some Lost knowledge on people?

So, let's rephrase it. What do we assume we know?

Read more on the flip side...



Presently off the island (and yes, I realize using a "time" defined word is just silly at this point in the series, but bear with me):

Jack
Kate
Sayid
Aaron
Sun
Hurley

Ben
Desmond
Lapidus


Now, that's obviously if they pick it up from the funeral home. Everyone else is still on the island.

People on the island:

Locke? (it's based on what time period you want to talk about for the show. Let's just put him here as we know we'll see him at some point on the island running around)
Sawyer
Juliet
Miles
Charlotte
Rose and Bernard (at this point there simply one character)
The group of Others
Keamy? (Ok, I just threw that in there because I wanted it to be true.)

In a raft near the island:

Faraday

Quite possibly treading water near an very blown up cargo ship, or you know, dead:

Jin

Still thankfully dead:

Charlie


Right now, that's all we know. And even that is tenuous at best.

The big reveal at the end of last year's finale obviously was Locke in the coffin. I really wanted it to be Jack's dad, but since it wasn't I can at least cling to the theory that he's still alive. So Locke (presumably) gets into some trouble on the island after the group splits and "dies." I'm guessing that season 5 is going to explore that and more.

My initial thoughts?

It's not Locke in the casket. I don't know - I don't want him to be dead. And in the ever increasing murkiness of non-linear time lines, it's possible at some point he's not. And yes, that last sentence confused me as well.

The island? It moves in time, not in distance. Think of it as a hub on a wheel where time radiates outward. It can travel to the different spokes' time lines. Yup, I'm confused again.

Desmond: still awesome and his story while seemingly neatly wrapped up last season, I'm sure has a long way to go. Whenever he's on screen I feel he's 3 steps away from death. Though I still think he's the monk with the wine and Desmond actually ran into himself in the futurepresent. Or possibly a different spoke of time.

Wouldn't it be awesome if Charlotte was somehow Rousseau? Yeah, don't ask me to follow that idea through to completion.

Ok, I have to stop before my head explodes. I will leave you with some goodies however to get you moist for the premiere tomorrow night...

TV Guide reviewed the season premiere and, while it certainly pays for them to up the hyperbole quotient, you still can't help but get excited after reading the review.

This person too have nothing but good things to say about the new season.

And finally, here are some clips from the season premiere. Much like the blogger who posted these clips, I can't watch them due to wanting to be nice and clear of any spoilered information.

Have your own theories? Want to ridicule me? Do it to it in the comments!

Links of Interest 1/16

Lost is starting up in less than a week. Be prepared for a lot of coverage here at the Popcorn Trick.

There are some blogs out there that have already claimed the new Animal Collective album as the greatest album of 2009. Now you can judge for yourself.

If you like reading about food, you'll love reading about this meal in Venice.

Using robots in war. We're one step closer to fully realizing a Terminator existence.

A paper on the Grateful Dead and how the fans listen to its live recordings.

Why use drugs to hallucinate? Apparently, you can get a similar effect using ping pong balls.

The universe may be one giant hologram. I guess that makes as much sense as any other definition of the universe.

Sit back and enjoy some memorable slam dunks.

More awesome photos from 2008.

I wonder if celery soda tastes as awful as it sounds.

More Star Wars geekery - this time with Legos.

Get excited for Lost!

It's no secret we here at The Popcorn Trick are lost fanatics (just check out some of the podcasts for proof). And as some promos and sneak peeks start hitting the 'net, we decided to round some up for your enjoyment, and see what clues, if any we might be able to find.

This video gives us a look at the Kate and Aaron situation:



Now, I don't know about you, but based on Kate's history (and it has to be well documented right now), if those guys who showed up at her door didn't at least leave a man back to keep an eye on Kate in case she decided to run) well, they should at least be reprimanded. Kate's immediate thought when faced with any trouble is to run, which makes me think these guys are part of a ruse to actually make her run. Possibly to find someone else? Could they be Whitmore agents trying to smoke out Ben? Or possibly it's Ben's doing, to get Kate back to the island? I know no matter what I suggest, it will be wrong, but that doesn't mean I won't continue to do so.

On the flip side - more promos...



Let's first take a look at some of the promos ABC has been piecing together in anticipation of the new season...



Is that Ethan holding a rifle on Locke? This guy has more lives than Rasputin! It does allow me to hold out hope that we'll see Keamy again. Also, the explosions in the water suggest there are a few more booby traps on this island we might not know about.



Nothing much going on here except one little clue (or possible delusion). Now, if my memory serves me well, (and it oftentimes doesn't) Sawyer was on the beach shirtless getting drunk with Juliet - and yet in this promo, we see Sawyer (still shirtless and sexy) along with a few others (Harraday, Juliet) are hanging out in the jungle at night when it appears there's another bright light (just like when the island disappeared). Could it happen again? Red herring? Me making things up?



Here's the promo that tugs at the heartstrings. While I'm not too interested in the Jack/Kate/Sawyer triangle, I realize it has become a pretty significant part of the show. And what happens between the point where it seems Sun understands what Jack did (at the freighter I assume) and when Jack is at the casket when he says Sun blames him for everything?

And finally, here's a wrap up of a Q & A the Lindelof and Cuse did. While it doesn't get into too much detail of what is going to happen, it sheds a little light on their process and why things happen on the show. Take a look here.

And if you take nothing else away from all this, know this. On January 21, the new season starts, and we will become awesomely frustrated all over again when they tease more answers. I can't wait.

The Top U.S. Celebrities as seen in Japanese Commercials

It's a poorly kept secret that American celebrities occasionally head over to Japan to hawk products in return for big bucks. And who can blame them? Easy money for not a lot of work? I'm guessing most, if not all of us would jump at the chance to do something like this. I know I would (hint to all you rich Japanese executives that need a "typical" American blogger to be the next face of your product).

That being said...

These spots can still be great fodder for awkwardness, looniness, and absurdity. For the past day I have waded through the muck and mire of U.S. celebrities endorsing Japanese products, and I'm truly at a loss to explain what is going on in some of these spots. Which only make them better. So, thanks in large part to Japander.com, which indexes many of these ads, I have compiled what I think are the top 21 celebrities hawking Japanese products, and have included evidence for each one. Why 21? Because that's the fewest I could narrow it down to. Please enjoy the videos I've chosen...





#21. John Travolta


Obviously done right around the time The Experts came out, Travolta doesn't do much to sell this Japanese drink, other than dance around like a poor man's Kevin Bacon and say something in Japanese. You can also see the genesis of some of the classic dance moves he later employed in the Pulp Fiction dance scene. And here I thought that was all Tarantino's direction.

#20. Kyle McLachlan



2 ads for the Subaru Imprezza that utilize both Kyle McLachlan's sex appeal(?) and quirkiness. I'm 65% sure the man being thrown into the pile of boxes that starts off this youtube video is unrelated to the commercials. Of course, I can't explain McLachlan's actions - and it is possible the man falling into the boxes had previously been fighting Kyle, which led him to buy a Subaru. It's a little confusing. Of course it's "See Spot Run" compared to other Japanese commercials, so I'm not going to sweat it.

#19. Michael Jackson



Back when Micahel Jackson was normal, he chose to market his image and music for Suzuki Scooters. Great song, great dancing, amplified by the fact that the female model appears to have gotten her dance techniques watching video of people having gran mal seizures. I also enjoy the "wink" Mike tries when telling us "love is his message." It's one eye for wink, two eyes for blink, Mr. Jackson. Apparently, Japanese directors don't like second takes.

#18. Britney Spears



Sure, Britney looks sexy here, dressed as a an extra from the Buck Rogers in the 25th Century episode where Buck travels to a future go go bar, does something anachronistic yet still mildly sexy and beds 11 future-garbed dancers (ok so that episode happened in my head), but the music choice is really uninspired. I even thought I saw a faint glimmer of train wreck recognition flash through Britney's eyes during this one. When Britney recognizes something's wrong, it's time to reevaluate. It's definitely not the music I would have picked when I had "futuristic whore Britney" dolled up and ready to sell my Go Go Tea.

#17. Charlie Sheen



I'm not sure it's possible for Sheen to look more uncomfortable in this bed. On the bright side, his hair looks perfect. I'm also not sure what he's selling. It's set up as though it's air conditioning, with everyone in the apartment complex uncomfortable, but then what's with the the woman hogging the covers? Is it because it's too cold? And for that matter, what's with pairing Sheen up with such a homely actress?

#16. Anthony Hopkins



I can hear the phone conversation now...

Japanese Executive: I have this great idea for a commercial, and we need you.
Sir Anthony Hopkins: While I'm flattered, I just don't think I'm comfortable endorsing your product.
Japanese Executive: Just wait, you're going to love this -
Sir Anthony Hopkins: Look, I'm a knight. I'm an Oscar winner. I'm
Japanese Executive: It starts with you and 2 beautiful models riding in a car, and then 3 of you walk arm in arm to a waiting private jet...
Sir Anthony Hopkins: I'm listening...

#15. Natalie Portman



Starts off normal enough (as normal as Japanese commercial can be) with Ms. Portman showing up to an audition on a motorcycle. Walking into the room, she pulls out a fencing epee, dances around a little bit and then somehow teleports to some Spanish villa to commence in a duel with the guy who dresses up as Captain Jack Sparrow at Disney sponsored corporate events. She finds herself back in the audition suddenly, shares a look with the head guy there - the kind of look two people share after licking faces in the coat check room of a swanky bar while their spouses remain oblivious seated at their table - and gets the part. I assume her nailing the audition had a lot to do with using Lux Super Rich Shampoo in her morning shower, though I bet the whole come hither stare didn't hurt her chances - or the skin tight outfit she chose to wear.

#14. Ben Stiller



Looking exactly like a Japanese anime character, Ben Stiller somehow builds upon his trademarked manic performance to "comic" effect. Seriously, if the Japanese were to remake Cool World, Ben Stiller would be perfect in the role of "cartoon-guy-who-becomes-real" that is supposed to be the Japanese manga representation. (I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed for making a Cool World reference.) Also, check out the size difference between Stiller and the football players at the end. Is he on his knees?

#13. Harrison Ford



Harry does his best Marcel Marceau impression, if Marcel Marceau hung out with Japanese people in saunas and also spoke during his performances. I do give Ford a lot of credit though for speaking Japanese throughout the commercial.

#12. Jean Claude Van Damme



Here's a series of 4 vignettes that tell the story of Black Black, a gum product that gives you an extra boost of energy. In the first two, we find a groggy Van Damme, who just can't seem to stay awake on his feet. But with Black Black's crystal meth like boost of energy, he has the strength to do some flying kicks. Realizing he could probably make a lot of money hooking people on to this wonderful productthe next vignette finds Van Damme speeding down the road to catch up with a sleepy truck driver in need of a boost of energy. Not done playing the part of the Pusherman, Van Damme slyly offers some Black Black to his limo driver on the night of what is obviously the premiere of Sudden Death, who then proceeds to speed off down the street, throwing Van Damme and his lovely lady friend to the floor of his car (probably Van Damme's plan all along). This all happens while a Japanese cover of Burning Down the House is playing (at least is really really sounds like it). And this is only #12 on the list!

#11. Sylvester Stallone







I'm not sure where to begin. The connection any of these activities have to pork products (ham, sausage) is tenuous at best. I mean, when you see Sylvester Stallone playing the cello, do you think it's time for ham?

I am mildly curious about what kinda of symbolism bicyclists-turning-into-a-waterfall-of-sausages is supposed to signify.

#10. Steven Seagal



This commercial proves there is still truth in advertising. I can totally believe Steven Seagal would get winded after cracking some bad guys' skulls. I can also totally believe he would rock a sleeveless Hawaiian shirt while downing an energy drink.

#9. Hulk Hogan



The same culture that is kicking our ass producing affordable electronics is the same one that saw Hulk Hogan in the 80s and thought it he had a singing voice good enough to sell...I don't know, an air filtration system? Who can pay attention to the product while the Hulkster is wearing those freakishly mesmerizing white shorts? Unrelated, the baby comes out of nowhere, doesn't it? Not sure the editor's choice of fading the baby shot in after Hogan's longing gaze was the wisest choice.

#8. Madonna



What is it with the Japanese and women brandishing swords? Madonna, in full Samurai garb, shows off her flute skills, tries to sneak up on a dragon wearing what can only be described as really impractical shoes, and swings a sword in its general direction that either kills it or turns it into a glowing gold orb. It's a little unclear. It's possible the glowing orb was in the dragon's head. Anyway, getting that orb was hard work, and having succeeded, it's now time for a drink. Legend - an alcoholic beverage good enough for Samurai/flutist Madonna.

#7. Dennis Hopper



Everything in this ad screams Dennis Hopper, except for his disposition; he's downright cheerful. He loves his rubber duck and wants to share that joy with others, including his director. What perfectly sane person wouldn't? But things take a turn when the director foolishly thinks the Hopper's rubber ducky is for him. I have no idea what they're trying to sell.


#6. Peter Falk







I get the Columbo spots - it's a timeless pop culture reference that I'm sure the Japanese just lap right up. I'm a little less clear on the bartender spot; I assume he's comparing the whiskey to the arc of a movie, but it sure looks like he's just ready for a little midnight tryst with an attractive Asian businesswoman barfly as she orders a whiskey (and a whiskey). Seriously, I think Charles Bukowski would have trouble putting down that much hooch. And did Falk just ask for a happy ending?

Ok, I'll admit it. I don't get the Columbo spots either.

#5. Nicholas Cage





These ads prove that in real life Cage is more Sailor Ripley than Ben Sanderson. I do love the stereotypical portrayal of Americans in the second ad, that is until Cage starts the alien hoedown.

#4. ZZ TOP



It's an exact replica of a ZZ Top video, until the Small Super Mover makes an appearance. You'll never watch the "Legs" video the same way again.

#3. Meg Ryan



Ok, had I ever shouted, "It's a UFO!" while in the car with my parents, they would have just called me stupid and mocked me for the next 45 minutes. Not perky Meg Ryan. She happily takes the kids on a sojourn to what looks like the surface of the moon to witness the UFOs/a meteor shower. And I wouldn't even rank that as her most egregious offense. No, child services gets called once the kids testify under oath that she, after driving for hours chasing something in the sky, has no idea where they are. Navi Navi Dingo indeed.

#2. Bruce Willis



I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Bruce didn't really examine the script until after arriving in Japan. Otherwise I'm guessing he would have had one of his script doctors write out the nightcap.

#1 Arnold Schwarzenegger





It's hard to watch these and not think Arnie is playing a Japanese stereotype. And when I say that, I don't hold Schwarzenegger responsible whatsoever. That's on the people making the commercial. That said, this is exactly what I envision all Japanese television to be like: frantic, kinetic, non-sensical, and completely awesome.

And one more for good luck - I couldn't include this in the list, because it technically has no celebrity in it, but it's by far the greatest commercial I stumbled across. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Biz Markie Doll...



Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go figure out how to get my hands on one of these.

Lost on an island with...?

In anticipation of tonight's episode, I've decided to devote a little time to those crazy cats on the Lost island. You already know my theories about what's going on (Time Loop!) but what you don't know are my thoughts on the "inhabitants" of the island. Well after the break, that's about to change...

This list breaks down, in order, who I'd want to be stranded with on the island. The person that I can gain the most from, and can help me get the most out of the island, whether it's escape, living there forever, or whatever. The formula is fairly complicated, and will change from week to week. With that said, here's the list:


1. Desmond

Ladies, am I right? Ok, we'll ignore his sex appeal and go with the facts. He can tell the future. And that ultimately led to Charlie's death. I wouldn't be able to thank him enough for getting that annoying little dragon chasing imp outta there.


2. Ben

Seems like one subplot to season 4 is "Ben gets beat up." Seriously, between Jack, Sawyer and Locke, this guy just can't catch a break, And that's a shame, because he is currently making Machievelli look like a teenaged girl trying to impress the stud quarterback. And that my friends, is a good enough reason for me to stay on his good side.


3. Sayid

His teen wolf impersonation last week got me on board. It also doesn't hurt that he's currently an assassin.


4. Locke

I'm still with him because he seems to know some things, but please, tone down the "oops" attitude. Would have been lower on the list if he didn't orchestrate the brilliant Hurley-in-a-closet-gagged plan to take the upper hand against Kate, Sayid and Yelly.


5. Kate

She's hot, but not above stabbing you in the back for your last peanut butter cracker. Still she's hot, and seems to know how to survive.


6. Jack

He's been under a lot of stress, since everyone looks to him to save him. (That's why I never became a doctor - everyone always looks to the doctor in times s of trouble. I don't need that aggravation.


7. Sun/Jin

Jin used to be cool when he cracked skulls for Sun's dad. Then he got to the island and he's boring. Then he kicks more butt. Then he gets boring. And Sun has always been boring.


8. Sawyer

Used to be the bad ass but now wants to play house? I know it's Kate, but c'mon. Get back to calling Ben a furby and let's go.


9. Claire

Enough.

10. Just about everyone else, except for...



1,000,000. Hurley

Hurley's death will be a party at my house. Too bad we see he made it off the island. When we find out this whole thing is a figment of Hurley's imagination, you'll all join me in the hatred.


I'm holding judgment about the 4 new characters until we see a little more of them. Of course, other than Miles they all seem cool and would probably rank pretty high on the list. Of course, with this show that means Miles will save everyone awesomely and the other three will plot to kill Desmond.

Please feel free to agree (and to a lesser extent disagree) with me in the comments.