Little Giants 2 (f. Daisy as IceChest)

VH1's transcendent, infuriating, head-scratching Rock of Love 2 is like the awkward kid brother who follows his cooler older brother to high school. He's mostly vanilla and suffers by comparison to his predecessor. But he shows enough flashes of talent, that you're pulling for him to realize his potential.

The metaphor collapses when you realize that the kid brother is STD-free and has no desire to bang a bandannaholic like Bret Michaels.

But that doesn't mean you stop watching...

The original Rock of Love had an unbeatable threesome of characters in Biker Heather, Lead Hologram Jess and Batshit-Crazy Lacey. When someone named Rodeo is the 6th or 7th-most intriguing character, you've got a deep roster. And I'm not even giving Sam, Brandi M., or Tiffany ("Don't threaten me with a good time...") the time they deserve.

There was drama, but none of it seemed forced, and there were actual confrontations, usually thanks to Lacey.



And EVERYONE got drunk and partied, sometimes to vomitous excess.




This year, all of the "drama" is over-hyped, staged, and boring. Nothing ever happens, someone ends up crying anyway, and then they get to talk to Bret in his room. Hey, remember when you had to perform sexual acts to get in there last year? Now, there's a key hidden beneath a fake rock outside the door.

The girls idea of "partying" this year is some white wine by the hot tub. Christ, my parents throw down harder than that. Granted, on the first night someone got ossified on whiskey and was in a light coma during the first elimination ceremony. Maybe that scared some girls straight. But how are we going to get a drunken catfight or make-out session if these whores don't start pounding some tequila?

I was hoping the season turned a corner last week with the unbeatable combination of Bret's Eye-talian catchphrase ("Whatsa-goin-on?") and a never-ending stream of horrible Aubrey decisions:

1. Nagging Bret for not paying enough attention to her.


2. "I host karaoke. I know... people."


3. Not removing her Fangoria-esque make-up & hair from the pinup session.


4. Sacrificing herself for Kristy Jo, when she was going to get booted anyway.


5. Acting like KJ was her dejoined Siamese twin instead of a nude model who she's known for 2 weeks.

But Episode 5 ("Mud Bowl II") just continued the maddening mix of awesome and suck.

First, the awesome:

Mud Bowl 2

Holy crap, there was more drama and heart in this game than most Eagles games this year.

Now that Collinsworth & the gang over at Inside the NFL aren't doing anything, can they break down this game?

First there was kinda-old, kinda-hot, kinda-misspelled Ambre doing an Adrian Peterson impersonation in the first half for the Sweethearts.

But no runner can succeed without a great offensive line, and AD is no exception. Watch her second TD (when she got tackled at the goal line by Daisy (more on her later), and Catherine springs her by sealing off the edge by blocking 3 of the Fallen Angel defenders. OK, maybe she held a little, but what Big John doesn't see, Big John can't call. It was a veteran move, and if there's one word that sums up Catherine, it's "Veteran". Or maybe it's "Shoe-Leather-Faced-Elvira-Impersonator".

The Fallen Angels made some Belichickian adjustments at halftime and realized that the Sweethearts had no one besides Ambre, so they concentrated on stopping her. They did just that, as she was held scoreless the rest of the way.

As the game wore on, I can only guess that one of Daisy's funbags was punctured and began leaking HGH. She went from having never played football to a fearsome combination of Ladanian Tomlinson, Christian Okoye, & Spike Hammersmith in a couple of hours. It was a second half for the ages, as Daisy showed some of the fighting spirit in her blood (she's somehow related to Oscar De La Hoya) by repeatedly earning tough yards and moving the chains.

So the Fallen Angels tie it at 2-2 as the clock hits zero in regulation thanks to Bret's Ukrainian Love Bus, Inna.

The Sweethearts get the ball to start OT, and Bret "The Lost Manning" Michaels actually calls a run-pass option play. In a game preceded by him claiming his godhood because Big John could trigger rain, snow, wind, & locusts by pushing a button. This really happened.

Now we're down to the most controversial play of the entire game. It's a hand-off to All-Day Ambre who breaks a couple of tackles and has one skank standing between her and immortality. So what happens? Her own player appears to knock the ball out of her hand and it's a FUMBLE! I'm guessing there's some Earnest Byner in Ambre's gene pool.

One commercial break, several slo-mo montages, and a distorted sound effect collage later, we see that pint-sized dynamo Daisy recovered the fumble. She's of course down by contact because of the mass of bodies going for the ball. Right?

Right?!?

Nope. Big John must've been fixing his do-rag because the whistle never blew. The whistle. Never. Blew.

Daisy, bless her little silicone heart, picks it up and runs it back for the game-winning score.

Wow.

If any of these girls had a clue about football, the Sweethearts would have gang-tackled Big John and used their fists & beaks to open several new orifices.



I'd put this game up with the 82 Miami-San Diego playoff game, the 2004 Pats/Rams Super Bowl, and that episode of Double Dare where the one family with the ugly daughter finished the Obstacle Course with a second to spare.

Still with me? Good. Here's the suck:

Everything Else

Mud Bowl II annoyances:

• Each TD is worth 1 point?!? This isn't soccer. You don't need to kick extra points, but just make them all worth 7.


• Speaking of kicking, what's with the thrown "kickoffs"? Bret couldn't punt the length of the approximately 20 yard-long field? Weak.


• In order for anyone not named Ambre to catch the ball, Bret had to use a special limp-wristed throwing style that could only launch delicately thrown shot puts.

Notegate:

All the promos promised a big Megan/Peyton (Rodeo Jr.) catfight b/c Megan unapologetically (to the camera, anyways) took down not 1, but 2 of Peyton's horrible notes for Bret. Peyton talked a big game, but never even got in Megan's face, even when Bret said the Megan was the only one who left him a note. Maybe the payoff's coming later on. I was hoping Peyton would use that giant set of balls her manly visage indicates she has, and start stirring some shit.

Backstage Pass Ceremony

Terrible. I hate when reality shows don't have the guts to follow their own rules.

Bret seemingly kept ugly-pajama-wearing Catherine & Peyton (who I *think* Bret played the Biz Markie card on earlier in the day) and jettisoned hot, slutty, but maybe kinda annoying Daisy. Yes, Mud Bowl II MVP Daisy. The same one.

Daisy was legitimately (and understandably) crushed that 2 women with at least 80 miles of bad road between them were staying, while she was getting the boot.

But no, Bret decides to Peyton-out and not eliminate anyone. What the fuck? I know it's a stupid reality show, but that seemed needlessly cruel and manipulative towards Daisy, even by stupid reality show standards.

So a gutty, gritty Mud Bowl II was followed up by all kinds of pussing out. Come ON.

Quote of the Night (paraphrased):

It, like a looming hysterectomy, belongs to Catherine:

"My heart was racing so bad, it felt like I had arrhythmia!



Neither the first, nor the last time that crone's experienced a heart condition. Here's hoping none of the challenges involve microwaves because her pacemaker probably can't take it.

Still, I can't wait for next week, when Rodeo returns, and the cowboy-themed challenge "all comes down to the greased pig competition".