Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
SklarBrothers When my son cries for an hour at 3am, he's just teething, but I cry for 30 seconds in the shower (twice), and I'm disturbed?
mtmodular I think short-girl dislikes me. Maybe because I call her "short-girl" because I dont know her real name?
calindrome Ever play that game If-This-Subway-Car-Stopped-And-The-End-Of-The-World-Came-Who-Would-I-Nail-First?Yeah, me neither.
Jim_Hamilton The symptoms of a hangover and a pregnancy are similar. What I'm trying to say is I got drunk last night and ate a baby.
dpressman I'm wishing for a weekend filled with nudity, pastry and whores.
steveagee I just googled my neighbors name and I have a question. What's "Megan's Law"?
nathanrabin how did Blockbuster Online know I wanted to be reminded of Paul Blart: Mall Cop's existence? It's like they've got ESP and shit.
russellnichols Thinking about redecorating my cubicle. I realize that the vomit on the walls doesn't do much for the feng shui.
ChrisSpags Thing I learned at my first physical therapy session: It's hard to be charming while someone is massaging your foot and hating their job.
GhostPanther Judge me all you want but I'm at a TGIFriday's shrieking in people's faces that it is really Friday and how cool is that?!!!
paulfeig Dear Old-Man-In-The-Park-Who-Was-Clipping-His-Toenails-With-Office-Scissors: Looking forward to seeing you in my nightmares!
thebrianposehn Sat with our baby while my wife got her hair done. Every cute girl came up to us. My baby could've gotten so much pussy if I wasn't there.
DoucheLarue Bought Fletch today at Best Buy. Told them to put it on the Underhill's account. Best Buy security has no sense of humor.
diplo Checkin into ryan air is like goin to the graveyard to bury your gramma and everyone is laughing at u
drew42e My lifetime CandyLand record just dropped to 5-20 vs. my 3yo If there was a pro league, I'd be ok if she skipped her 2nd yr of preschool
Jim_Hamilton Every Jimi Hendrix song you know was recorded in the span of four years. It took me three hours to get out of bed this morning.
Jessabelle2o7 He: I mean-- it's OK to smell nice, but not *too* nice. Me: How much is "too" nice? He: See that dog? It shouldn't have a boner right now.
nathanrabin A pitch for "Fired Up" describes it as "American Pie-esk". Way to reach for the sky there, buddy.
adam_cozens Is excited to watch J.J. Redick & Adam Morrison share knowing looks with each other throughout the NBA Finals from their opposing benches.
nottjmiller I haven't been sleeping much lately. That's not because my bed is made of nightmares, is it? The sleep number is FEAR.
debenham Thinking of starting a meth business with an emotionally fragile man-kid with substance problems. Can't really see any downsides to this.
amanda_nan The humidity and stench in CC right now make me feel like I'm tucked into Fat Bastard's crotch. #fb
FartSandwich Having a sister who is a pharmacist is good, because she texts me things like, "Hey, do you want a sticker that says 'For Rectal Use Only?"
DirtyGert Just saw an old lady get into a car at the hospital. She looks like Shining-era Scatman Crouthers with a $2 wig.
jseadub First attempt at homemade marshmallows. Overheated the syrup, hard candy lock-hold on the KitchenAid, kitchen looks like a Smurf abattoir.
samantharobot If Law & Order: SVU can be trusted (and I think we know it can be), then Central Park is full of dead bodies. Don't go skating there!
michaelianblack Adjective I never want used to describe me: scabby.
jdickerson If you had to give up coffee or booze which one would you give up? For breakfast, I mean.
keithwade Wife & kids leave today for a week in Mass. So it's not a question of how much ice cream I'll have for dinner, but when is my heart attack?
FartSandwich What's the difference between Marmalade and Jam? I can't Marmalade my dick up your ass! (Well, maybe with enough marmalade. Best joke ever.)
FartSandwich If you're a food writer who uses the words "unctuous" or "toothsome," I'm going to take a bag of dicks and julienne them all over your face.
DaveHolmes An employee at Enterprise recognized me from tv and upgraded me to a minivan. That pretty much sums up my life.
michaelianblack Adding excitement to my daily life by ending everything I say with the phrase "Let's rock-n-roll" followed a single hand clap.
diplo seriously cops shut down party and zombiez attacked me in Roma. it was scary. zombi ninja stars at my ferrari
Caissie Last night I dreamed I opened my computer & found 30 emails in my inbox! It's not often you get to bore yourself w/your own subconscious!
Jessabelle2o7 Little bagel-- if I eat you fast enough, will I get pulled through your hole into an alternate universe where my love of hirsute porn is OK?
AlisonRosen This new hairspray smells like cheap men's cologne and 80s hairspray. I smell like a Robert Palmer video. #fb
nelsonofnelson Stop eating on the subway! More specifically, stop eating your stanky dogfood soup on the subway!
mtmodular I was walking into the kitchen, and suddenly everything was in slow motion and this intense rock song started playing. I had a scowl on.
michaelianblack Was just in the bathroom with a guy who was simultaneously pissing, eating, and talking on his cellphone. That man is a genius.
CourtneyReimer A chair with leftover warmth from a stranger's body always makes me feel a little violated.
urbanhipster Describing Craig's List to a new user? "A perfectly lovely flea market attached to the world's scariest crack house. STAY ON THE PATH!"
SklarBrothers To the old angry stewardess on my flight who is chopping ice like it raped her daughter: therapy is an option.
randomleopard laundry- you're a dirty whore. I keep doing you, but its never enough.