Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
sunnythaper Too many cooks in the kitchen sounds like a good problem to me. Think of all the extra pie!
diplo Philly - major lazer instore @ fye on broad.. I'm not satisfied unless someone robs us @ the instore.. Happed to twista last time, lesgoo!!
BlueLanugo Good news: This month, fewer people are on unemployment. Bad news: It's because, last month, so many died in knife fights behind CostCo.
patkiernan NJ highway sign. "Police Monitor CB Channel 9". Really? Still waiting to see if cell phones are a fad?
eightblockwalk I would be completely satisfied with a Jeff Goldblum level of fame.
nickthune Serendipity was a great word. Until it got Cusacked.
Jessabelle2o7 I had a horrible dream that my mother could see all of my online porn search terms. Just think about that for a sec. You're welcome.
keithwade 8:30 am and it's already 83 degrees. By my calculations, I think that means we should hit 117 by 4 pm. Did I mention I was an English major?
hotdogsladies Realizing: 1. Most of my work is rephrased Buddhism, plus a poop joke; 2. I'm weirdly okay with that. Get it? "Poop." Boom.
slag_mag Father's Day Weekend: can't decide if I want to crack some skulls with my motorcycle gang or make waffles.
ScottAukerman Oingo Boingo: There is nothing weird about YOUR science - the science of making HITS. It is always a Dead Man's Party on MY radio. Bless u.
CourtneyReimer My laptop asked me to "abort script" so many times this week I wouldn't be surprised to receive a threatening letter from a pro-life group.
keithwade Letting the kids run rampant in Pottery Barn Kids. Good thing there's no actual pottery - we'd be buying a lot of broken stuff. Or fleeing.
Jim_Hamilton A survey of classical sculptures proves that my penis is larger than average. Though I did count the children.
trumpetcake Can you taste all 23 flavors in Dr. Pepper? I can only taste three: 1.) bananas 2.) sock 3.) castles made of stars
PFTompkins Happy Fathers Day! On a train to Philadelphia to see my Dad. Then I shall slay him, consume his flesh, and absorb his power. Family!
Jessabelle2o7 It's been raining so long in this town that I think all my sins have been washed away. So, INTERRACIAL BI-CURIOUS ORGY at my house, y'all!
dpressman It's time to gather up my followers and turn this shit into a fuck party! (high fives Daniel Baldwin and jumps out window)
diplo How did chevy chase get his own bank and town? He hasn't been hot in a minute!
sashafrerejones Retire "cheese"--the perfect photo smile word is "assblaster."
wood In Kingman AZ "clean restroom" apparently means "does not contain a dead prostitute."
PFTompkins On return train to NewYork. Sitting in the club car across from a total stranger, who has yet to offer to murder ANYONE for me. Uh, manners?
kolchak So I left the house for a few hours and forgot my blackberry. It went okay. Wait. Whose blood is this? And why am I wearing a cape?
adamisacson Belgium is a leading producer of beer, chocolate, and weapons. I picture a country full of very well-armed fat people. Another one, I mean.
RexHuppke Ugh. Father's Day and son's birthday in the same weekend. I've downed so much sugar I just had to chase Wilford Brimley off my lawn.
Tony_D Sadly, I'm getting to that age where I can't remember whether Skeletor is a cartoon villain or a prescription med for osteoporosis.
BlueLanugo Not too worried about computers taking over; I defeated this laptop with just a splash of coffee.
hotdogsladies I wish more things felt like the first 10 seconds of "Born to Run."
randomleopard i have a small mexican town in my belly with fireworks, shooting guns, riding horses. are fetuses south of the border stereotypes? que?
RonnieBquotes Women will never shake the gas hose. Why? Because they don't have dicks. They don't know you jiggle to get those last drops out.
CranberryPerson Hope the kid in that bike booster seat can read tribal languages, or else that low back tattoo he has to stare at would be total gibberish.
FartSandwich A good thing to listen to while receiving a customer call is Ol' Dirty Bastard. I reek of professionalism, which smells of jackass.
kolchak Thanks to this tempur-pedic mattress, I can beat people to death without spilling the wine glass on the other side of the bed!
CcSteff The gold standard of awkward: making eye contact with someone through the crack of a bathroom stall door while you're standing at the sink.
michaelianblack Question for carnival workers: are you really violating parole or is that just the dress code?
morgan_murphy I ordered decaf but I think starbucks gave me real coffee. this is bad. it's like getting rufied but without the sex or decent nights sleep.
rainnwilson Went on a hike with my son & had 2 furiously protect him from Mosquitos. Now I know how the dad from Cormac McCarthys 'The Road' felt.
RexHuppke Financial tip: Turns out Def Leppard collectibles ARE NOT as safe an investment as gold. Anyone want a "Pour Some Sugar On Me" sugar dish?
davio1962 Son finds new braces uncomfortable. Rest of us, however, find endless hours of fun tossing refrigerator magnets his way.
kolchak I'm beginning to suspect Harrison Ford is lying when, whenever he's invited over to my house, his family mysteriously "needs saving".
CranberryPerson Dunno when I'd wear a tie featuring a skeleton riding a chopper on a spiderweb background, but for $1.99 I'll FIND an occasion.
CranberryPerson For my son's 3rd birthday we're letting him chase his lifelong dream of child modeling so we can get new vinyl siding and maybe a kegerator.
DrLawyercop My buddy claims there is simply no way to successfully deliver the line: "Megatron wants what's in my mind!" Try it yourself!
ZaraFS Yahoo! answers says for jury duty I should "dress as though you were going to a luncheon." So, coral lady suit, scarf, pearls, pumps? Check.
mtmodular "And then we get this hot dog cart, right, and its on fire...so we push it down the hill..." I wish we wrote down our great movie ideas.
davio1962 "Danger Will Robinson!" That's fun to shout out loud sometimes. Although, apparently not in a stall in a crowded mens room.
slag_mag My notebook and pen say "I care about this gathering"; my Joaquin Phoenix beard and 1,000 yard stare say much more.
thebrianposehn Off to the gym. Not really,but everybody tweets that. Really gonna watch The Blob(the one with Kevin Dillon) and have a coke for breakfast.
chantalclaret Was planning on neked swim party of 2 today but realized today is when gardener &pool guy comes,change of plans.Neked swim party of 4 maybe?
richardroeper NOW they're going to have 10 Best Picture nominees. That's a year late to rectify the "Zohan" snub, my friends.
DrLawyercop Nothing says "upstanding citizen" like hanging out in front of a Rite-Aid.
Kathy_L Sometimes I eat a lot of brocolli and prunes when I have some really good bathroom reading material I want to get to.
artichoked It's only 7:30 & already in the 80s. So far summer is synonymous with boobsweat.
kolchak Someday I might be able to look into a child's eyes and say "Because I'm doing your mom, Charlie. Now go clean my car". Best. Stepdad. Ever.
seancorcoran Donuts are good. Free donuts are better. Stolen donuts are the best.
mtmodular Pants get in the way of everything good in life.
CranberryPerson RIP Farrah Fawcett, who gave us the only thirty seconds of "Dr. T. and the Women" that was worth watching.
Rayke I bet Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon are totally having hot afterlife sex right now.
BlueLanugo Want a new job title, here at the celery farm. "Stalker" isn't doing me any favors with the chicks that hang out around the Snapple machine.
paulscheer Sometimes I think that the workers at Subway don't take their title of "sandwich artist" as seriously as they should.
Jim_Hamilton I survived "Transformers 2" and all I got was this pounding headache.
adamisacson I once visited the Italian island of Capri. There was lots of sun. But no drinks in little foil bags. Nobody even got the joke.