Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
Quick note - apparently this week I leaned to more of the cruder humor. I'd rate this post an R for language. You've been properly warned...
KBAndersen On warm damp humid days in New York City, is the cat-urine-y smell the result of some smog-like chemical inversion? Or just...cat urine?
adamisacson The people at Borders get a bit snippy when you ask where the Kindles are.
joselynhughes i'm getting into every nook and cranny of this english muffin, hardcore. it's like bread porn.
cellebelle Hey lady in the cafe this morning chit-chattin about the Lord, your thong is on display while I'm waiting for my breakfast. So... thanks.
diplo Di gal dem want to take me to burger king @ 5 am and jump thru the window and fight the burger queen gyal for not havin no more burgers dem
slag_mag Is Pop Tarts and two Marlboros a weird lunch? I call it the Lou Piniella.
calindrome Anyone else turned on by conference calls today as much as I am? My job's like a bag of onions. Slippery wet onions. So many juicy layers.
Jim_Hamilton Different bar, same vice cops. Pointed them out to a friend then told her, "So when we have sex in the bathroom, I can't pay you."
diplo Switch is orderin lil hashbrowns in a lil baggy from the burger king @ customs on route to jail.. Who neeeds sleep ! Sob's we comeee!!
trumpetcake Been on the road for four hours now!! And by "on the road" I mean on the couch in my boxers sipping coffee. Yup, I sip.
grahamelwood Saw a man try to kiss a hooker. Like a dog eating guacamole.
joeschmitt My wife made porridge for breakfast, but I couldn't enjoy it because I kept looking over my shoulder for a blonde girl coming to eat it.
drew42e My 15 month old is like the Keith Moon of toddlers. Every night we go to bed the house looks like a Holiday Inn on the Who's first US tour.
wood Waiting with The Boy for Land of the Lost. Wondering if George Lucas is grateful there's a new rapist for my childhood waiting in the wings.
BlueLanugo Vin Diesel is our Telly Savalas. Only whereas Telly sucked on lollipops, Vin sucks at acting.
nottjmiller My cousins wife is going to home school her son. I just asked if I could go to the prom. Laughter, while I cried inside for him.
Jessabelle2o7 Can anybody help me exorcise the ghost of Jackie Gleason from my home? I'm so sick of my living room smelling like gin farts and carnations.
keithwade Pizza place tonight was playing an easy listening station. Creed came on. There was nothing "easy" about that listening experience.
michaelianblack Lesson learned: they don't give you second cookies at the Doubletree even when you accuse them of hating Jews.
cellebelle Oldies station played Smooth by Rob Thomas/Santana. I'm too busy shaking my fist & yelling at kids to get off my lawn to call & complain.
ChrisSpags Why was Super Mario brought into Mushroom Kingdom? When I think of a savior, I don't think, "Hmm, I need a pudgy, short, Italian plumber."
hotdogsladies I wish Michael McDonald would follow me around, occasionally harmonizing on dependent clauses. And maybe helping with light housework.
ScottAukerman How do you make a film like A Fish Called Wanda- where each scene is perfect- and then do Fierce Creatures- where each scene is EVEN BETTER?
Jim_Hamilton I think "Star Wars" would have really benefited from the line, "Wow, that is fast. I can't even do your mom in 12 parsecs."
Netbus Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which is why I guess many of us died of tuberculosis.
GhostPanther Don't order a bear claw if your anywhere north of Calgary and expect a delicious breakfast treat.
diablocody I feel like these Home Depot commercials are bullying me. "Do it yourself! Save money! Pick up a hammer, you slothful whore!"
slag_mag Everybody is freaking out about Iran. It's almost as if they've forgotten that Sandra Bullock has a delightful romantic comedy out right now
FartSandwich A sasquatch must be secretly showering at my apartment, judging by the size of the hairball I pulled out of the shower today. Yeti pubes.
NotGiamatti Iranian students use twitter to start a revolution. I use it to exchange messages with @phillypoeguy about Porky's II.
clubtrillion Shaq for the Cavs would be like morning wood--A usually great thing at a far less useful point in time.
Jim_Hamilton I broke my simile machine. I feel like a duck without its sombrero.
seancorcoran As far as you know, I'm awesome at Russian Roulette.
80miles I never get asked to join any street dance teams. I mean, I can't really break dance, but they don't know that. They could at least ask me.
keithwade I made it to the gas station tonight with only "8 miles to empty" on the meter. Who say you can't live on the edge when you have kids?
Jim_Hamilton Jealousy is ugly. But if you'd seen the cock on that homeless man, you'd be jealous too. The cock was mine and it was on his sleeping face.
CourtneyReimer In the past day at least 12 of you changed your profile image. Trying to steal the spotlight from Chastity Bono, are we?
FartSandwich Watched Walker, Texas Ranger, while working out this morning. That's like a hot beef injection, administered through the ass. OF JUSTICE.
AlisonRosen I just made my first purchase ever on eBay. I've officially joined this century. (Well, kind of. I bought a covered wagon.)
nathanrabin has a lot on his plate right now: namely, crying himself to sleep each night, then crying himself awake each morning.
mtmodular Man Man makes me yearn for the days when I was a homeless circus worker with a handlebar moustache and a drinking problem.
Jim_Hamilton Just read about the Fire Letterman protest. Fifteen people showed up. I could get more to show up to a Rape Leno protest.
shareyourdonuts Dog readjusted grasp during tug-o-war and clamped down on my nipple. Related: one sexy dog for sale.
morgan_murphy got on the wrong subway twice today. blind guy on the first one. he's figured it out. I'm fucked.
AndeeD I'm pretty sure that while I slept, my mouth was open and tiny gnomes went in and used pickaxes and shovels on my throat - hurts
BlueLanugo My new girlfriend is smoking hot. She's not into mind games! As soon as this wire transfer clears, we'll be TOGETHER FOREVER! Jealous much?
yokoono You are water. I'm water. We're all water in different containers. That's why it's so easy to meet. Someday we'll evaporate together.
slag_mag The job market for people who drink coffee, eat granola bars, and mess with their iPhones all day has really dried up.
Jim_Hamilton How many babies have to fall down wells before we stop making babies?
FartSandwich I'm ambidextrous! During conference calls, I use both hands to pantomime masturbate. Was my face red when I found out it was a video call.
Jim_Hamilton I bet the guy with the "Honk if you're horny" bumper sticker regrets it now that I'm driving behind him.
FartSandwich The words "boner" and "stab" shouldn't appear in the same sentence unless you're saying, "I just stabbed your mother, with my huge boner."
matt_morrell I don't like to talk about where I work too often, but these "wanted" mugshots taped to the wall by my desk just get me down sometimes.
BrickHousen Are the people upstairs playing hopscotch? herding elephants? attempting to dislodge the drywall from my ceiling?
FilmDrunk Zombieland is a movie so gimmicky it looks like it was written by Judah Friedlander's hat. http://is.gd/16gGZ