Friday, May 8, 2009

The best tweets of the week 5/1 - 5/8

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

  • I skew toward the amusing
  • I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
  • @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
  • I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
  • Diplo is immune to any of these rules.

Ok, let's go to the tweets...

FartSandwich Our receptionist waited for me to come in this morning so she could play "We Built This City." Loudly. BEST FRIDAY EVER HOLY BALLS.

nathanrabin CNN headline of the day: "Proms, dates take hits from swine flu". Let's just pray that handjobs remain unaffected.

KinkyHitler Today I have continued the tradition of masturbating at every place I have ever worked. ;) I take odd jobs just to increase the count =)

calindrome Who else here thinks today is the most fun, most chatty day on Twitter EVER? Raise your hands. Higher. So I can steal your sandwiches.

gavinpurcell Going to a Star Trek screening in 30 minutes. Hopefully my head will only explode metaphorically.

cellebelle being forced to design in Microsoft Word is God's way of punishing me for watching The Hills once. i mean, probably.

dpressman I want as many followers as Ashton Kutcher......and by "followers" I mean crazed whores.

Dianneamus That muscle relaxer seriously knocked my dick in the dirt. I've never felt more relaxed.

Jessabelle2o7 Two Truths, One Lie: • My date claimed that he lost his wallet. • I later saw my date exiting 7-11 with a 12 pack. • Your mom was there.

sportsguy33 Shoot To Kill has to be one of the 20 greatest interracially homoroerotic outdoor action adventure movies ever made..

paulscheer Was talked into buying Kool-Aid Man home insurance, finally I can drink Kool-Aid w/o the fear of my wall being broken down by a giant jug.

SklarBrothers Final Nirvana Band Meeting Transcript: Dave Grohl: Seriously guys, I can sing. Cobain: I don't think so. Grohl: You're gonna regret that.

steveouch My socks hate the dryer. It tears their little families apart like the holocaust.

ScottAukerman Boy George: Do I really want to hurt u? I want to KILL you - for making so many great hits! Thank you for all u do. God has truly blessed u.

adam_cozens Blind people must have really hated the silent film era.

nottjmiller PG-13 is when I have 13 Pinot Grigios. It usually gets R rated.

FartSandwich Which sillypants went to the store for eggs, and came back with GIANT CHEETOS instead? Me! Oh, silly, did I say sillypants? I meant Fuckbag.

hodgman The bath in this hotel has no safety drain to prevent overflowing. Luckily there is a drain in the middle of the floor. And lots of towels.

phirm Kept up by actual caterwauling for the first time last night. If you haven't heard it before, imagine Satan as a baby having a nightmare.

nerdist was hoping Jeremy Davies' character on Lost would be in spin-off where he sleeps w/ his mom in the past: "Spanking the 12 Monkeys"

CourtneyReimer Got a case of the Mondays? Do not listen to Explosions in the Sky. It'll make you do embarrassing things. Like say "a case of the Mondays."

Jessabelle2o7 God, I love Intervention. It makes me feel like champ at life if only for the fact that I've never kicked my mother in the tits while drunk.

brendancollins Currently pouring out a 40oz bottle of Crisco, in memory of Dom DeLuise. May he rest in pizza.

keithwade In honor of Dom DeLuise, I am going to screw up all my work today and then have everyone stick around after the workday ends & laugh at me.

ScottAukerman The gym locker room is the worst-smelling place in the world. Why do ladies sweat so much?

diplo I just started this latin metal band called - sinkhole de mayo

shareyourdonuts "What was wrong with him?" "I don't know, he seemed kinda 'rapey'."

DougBenson Part of me wants to watch Elizabeth Hasselbeck guest host LARRY KING LIVE, and part of me wants to murder my own face.

slapclap When my teeth itch like this it must be raining. Sucks. Much too wet outside to go score an 8-ball.

DougBenson has a love/hate relationship with Ryan Seacrest. I hate him and I love to hate him.

Jim_Hamilton What are you talking about? There's no elephant in this room. It's just you, me, and that pile of dead hookers.

FartSandwich Thai food has kicked our asses at the office. It sounds like a one-note orchestra. "Which note, Fart Sandwich?" The brown note, sillypants.

keithwade Just took the kids to pick out Mother's Day gifts at Target. I hope the wife enjoys her can of Spaghetti-Os and Dora sticker book.

shareyourdonuts Guy glances over just as I itch the inside of my nose. I didn't want to seem guilty, so I left my finger in there and stared him down, HARD

debenham Twitter maintenance tomorrow. I picture a guy in coveralls loading a metal tube into a slot. The tube is stenciled TWITTERONIUM.

debenham Waiting for my better half to get home. By which I mean @Caissie took my prosthetic legs to work today.

dpressman Real Sex on Hbo should win an award for fastest and craziest boner achieved while flipping channels and eating cashews.

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