The Best Tweets of the week 5/15 - 5/23

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules.

Ok, let's go to the tweets...



gravitybomb Well well well. Amazon is selling Green Day's new album for 5 bucks: http://bit.ly/AMP3 That's like paying 5 dollars to be pooped on.

Jessabelle2o7I just hustled and flowed the *shit* out of that breakfast burrito.

debenham Helicopter just flew overhead, low enough to sway the trees in my backyard. Another Hulk sighting?

nicdarlingHunger is effecting logical processes to the point where I believe in Leprechauns (other than the local homeless guy named Leprechaun).

Jim_Hamilton Him: "Do you go by Jim or James?" Me: "It doesn't matter, because I don't like you." That last part was silent, like the e in hate.

nathanrabin I never open emails unless the subject line begins with PLEASE READ. Otherwise what am I supposed to do with them?

mostlylisa i just ate a hard boiled egg in the shower. on a scale of 1 to weird that's like, about a 7?

AlisonRosen I've decided to meet the man of my dreams by staying home and watching TV. Failing that, speed dating (where I take speed and go on dates)

diplo Watching beethoven dawg movie in french looks a lot like kujo

usedwigs Watching new Sci-Fi movie with C. Thomas Howell and one of the guys from Kid n Play... I hope there's a dance scene.

seancorcoran Few things are more awkward than watching an intimate scene in a movie with your inlaws.

diplo This taxi drivers vocal GPS sound like the devil takin us to the depths of hell

Just_Unco If I had a son I'd either want him to be a vet or a space cowboy

keithwade Tried to sleep in late, but was awoken by 5 yr old w/ roll of duct tape in hand, asking if he & his sister could play w/ it. Annnnnd I'm up.

Jim_Hamilton "I have had it with these motherfucking cakes on this motherfucking plate!" There are probably better ways to say you're full. Probably.

macstarr Was just asked what f*ks like a tiger and winks? -then the dude winked at me.

thesneeze Just bought "Swagger" Old Spice deodorant. Its the "OFFICIAL SCENT of CONFIDENCE." Tomorrow is going to be CRAAAZYYYY!!!

mrdavehill I just ate the stickiest sticky rice of all-time. I kept looking at the lady behind the counter and was all like "Seriously?"

thesneeze STARVING PERSON'S GUIDE TO DOMINO'S: SLICE 1: Yum! SLICE 2: Mmm. SLICE 3: Meh. SLICE 4: Get this shit the fuck away from me.

GorillaSalsa I'm eating Long John Silvers and there's a big police chase going on. I'm not certain of the catalyst for either statement.

michaelianblack Thinking of opening a post-apocalyptic theme restaurant called "TGIS" Thank God It's Shelter. Mostly serves canned foods.

Just_Unco If I ever opened a store selling tarpaulins I'd call it Retarp

nicdarling Wish my head would be nicer to me. Feels like there is a tiny little Mike Tyson living in there. Lots of punching and high pitched violence.

diplo Every lil german kid looks like billy ray cyrus

steveagee CRAZY looking guy in car next to me blasting Love Her Madly. pretty sure the only way he could love anything is madly

ty_fed I may or may not be wearing a cape right now. Hint: I am.

slapclap "Bad to the Bone" not as much of a hit if u change the lyrics 2 "toiling in mediocrity." T-t-t-t-t-toiling- to the bone.

slapclap Yep. Sick. Now actually have to hope I caught it from that vagrant who touched me on the golf course, & not the pig I fucked last week.#blue

Dianneamus Oh god. This is it people. Grab the duct tape and head for the fallout shelter. Creed is back together. And they are working on a new album.

FartSandwich If you go to Arby's and ask for a McEgg McWendy's McWhopper, all you'll get is a long cold stare and a bag of dicks. Trust me, I know.

colinmlenton I have a roommate (@joyelizabeth) who sets off the carbon monoxide alarm every morning. I think she's a robot

Jessabelle2o7 I was in line at Starbucks. An Irish ballad came on. I started to do a nifty little jig. People started to clap. I wish this were true.

JoshSneed Anyone else feel like MySpace is one of those malls where all the good stores are gone and it's just a place old people go to power walk?

clubtrillion My only real goal in life is to become important enough to have any attempt on my life be classified as an "assassination attempt."

mtmodular If "trending topics" was ever a trending topic, Twitter will take the form of a god and smite us all.

FartSandwich If you talk trash about the Pope, is that called a Pope Smear? I'm asking for a friend. Who happens to be my soul.

DaveHolmesSoon, bookstores will have an I Did This Crazy, Disruptive Thing For A Whole Year section.

DaveHolmesSoon, bookstores will have an I Did This Crazy, Disruptive Thing For A Whole Year section.

AlisonRosen If I were somewhere and didn't like the napkins I would call them crapkins. Then I would laugh. And go home alone.

Jim_HamiltonI'm listening to Radiohead so loudly I can tell what Thom Yorke had for lunch the day of recording. Answer: the blood of a thousand virgins.