Friday, May 1, 2009

The best tweets of the week: 4/24 - 5/1

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

  • I skew toward the amusing
  • I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
  • @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
  • I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
  • Diplo is immune to any of these rules.

Ok, let's go to the tweets...

diplo If i can get my computer to turn on again imma have sex with everyone in reno

shareyourdonuts What's the craiglist killer's fiance so worked up about? Ok, so you had sex with a murderer--well, we've ALL had lousy relationships.

amandapalmer note to self: do not use massage oil containing cayenne pepper and ginger as substitution for personal lubricant.

ScottAukerman If a dog’s mouth really IS cleaner than a human’s, my penis is going to sparkle!

mrdavehill Thanks to Facebook, I am having lunch in Portland with an old grade school chum. How will I explain that I no longer live as a woman?

paulscheer I've been getting a lot of Questions about this & I want to clear the air. Yes, "Obsessed" is based on my life. Ali Larter plays me.

dragonboysuede is listening to "Count In Fives" by The Horrors. Great song. It makes me wanna punch my dick in the jaw.

ScottAukerman My wife wants to see "The Soloist." Told her she might have to go solo-ish.

hotdogsladies My hotel room smells like a hobo, fruit rollups, and a deodorizer that doesn't really cover up the odor of hobos, fruit rollups, or hobos.

diplo Imma catch a penguin in edmonton and make and omelet out of its eggs !! Lets goo!!!!!!!

michaelianblack So far, Saturday has meant doing Earth Day town litter pick-up with kids. Saturday can suck my dick.

james_gunn Watching HBO porn documentary. These straight guys that have gay sex for money all have one thing in common - they're gay!

hotdogsladies Five days in, my haircut looks like the business end of a broom who's recently realized she's a lesbian.

mrdavehill My nephew's snake is named Snakey. As snake names go, it's pretty much right on the money.

Jim_Hamilton I cat-sit for three days, and all I write about is cats. This is why I can't have children. Also, hatred of children.

nottjmiller Everyone! I prefer urinal ice cream cake to just plain urinal cake.

keithwade Going out on a limb here, but it doesn't appear I'll be getting an IMDB page for the time I asked a question on the Donahue show back in 94.

seancorcoran I tried to say "this font needs to be kerned," but I ended up saying "this kont needs to be ferned." Now I have to go to sensitivity class.

dpressman 43 is way too old to start experimenting but that Dylan McDermott is one hell of a looker.

drew42e If I went to a party and saw the long haired guy on the UPS commercials, I'd definitely try to get on his Pictionary team

DougBenson It's a good thing emotional scars are invisible. Because if emotional scars weren't invisible, strip clubs would be disgusting.

debenham I have a small robot on my kitchen counter that makes coffee! @Caissie says she stole it from the future. What do YOU have? Not that, I bet.

CNReilly My list of 5 favorite Charles! Me, Charles the Great, Charles Chaplin, ME AGAIN!, George 'Charles Jr.' Clooney (my nickname for him)

JeffHilliard Thinks Denny's should hire rough looking hookers to be part of their atmoshpere at all locations

JimNorton I'm stuffy and my throat is sore. I knew I shouldn't have fucked that pig last week.

PFTompkins This poster seems to contain a MAJOR spoiler! Thanks for ruining the movie, bus stop ad!

keithwade So it's $5k to fix my A/C. I'll just pick that off the money tree down by my unicorn farm. It's that, or I'm planning a heist. Or melting.

Jim_Hamilton From the looks of my sock drawer, I would have been a terrible Noah.

dpressman Dear homeless man masturbating on my street...are you kidding? Love, David.

drew42e I really think Pittsburgh should update their mascot from a lovable parrot to a skinny East African toting an AK47

phirm I want to take the bottom off an ant farm and plant it in the dirt. That way it won't be sad, it'll be a sweet-ass look-out tower.

dpressman I'm still friends with most my ex girlfriends. Is that weird? And by "still friends with", I mean I wear a coat made of their skin.

diplo anyone know where is the best cajun vampire disco bar in southeastern louisiana?

squash86 I've never met anyone that I could describe with the word "chucklefuck", but this Dunkin donuts guy comes close. Ass.

Caissie Hey, Train-Mate, No way you could have known, but there's a scary flu epidemic on? Maybe don't cough w/such unbridled enthusiasm & relish?

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