The Best Tweets of the Week 5/8 - 5/15

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules.

Ok, let's go to the tweets...



ChrisSpags I hate the feeling when someone smells, so you briefly get confused and hope it's not you somehow. "I don't recall bathing in raw onions..."

hotdogsladies I'll grant you, Teacher Susie from Sid the Science Kid is *totally* cartoon-hot, but her Québécois accent is oh, sweet Jesus, I'm a monster.

paulfeig Emily Post says it is impolite to Twitter whilst upon the shitter. So, I shan't anymore. (Feig raises pinkie and sips tea, then poops pants)

DoucheLarue i'm moving like stephen hawking on a stairmaster today.

FartSandwich You know what makes a good breakfast? Pork Rinds and Monster Energy drink. When did I suddenly become a NASCAR fan? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

seancorcoran I'm feeling generous, anybody need a kidney? I found it this morning inside a hobo.

paulscheer Just found out Dr. Dre isn't a real doctor, now I understand why he botched my hernia operation.

SklarBrothers Still kicking around the idea of starting a Guess Who cover band called "That's Who"

DoucheLarue #follow friday - i'm gonna follow these 4 dirty martinis with a trip to the police station.

adamisacson We're hosting a playdate today. Commence "Operation Make it Look Like We Don't Live in a Tiny Cluttered Rowhouse with 2 Incontinent Cats."

Jessabelle2o7 I had a neighbor over for beers last night, and I'm 99.9% sure that she swabbed her anus with my bathroom hand towel. Fucking hipster.

tonytrov thinks that dressing like an adult means dressing like a trombone player in a ska band.

phirm You are what you eat. Especially if you’re a cannibal.

keithwade 3 high school kids just walked by dressed in their wrestling uniforms, armed with a videocamera. That has shenanigans written all over it.

sportsguy33 If my fantasy baseball career was a 70s Florida coed sorority house, Phil Hughes would be ted bundy

ScottAukerman During correspondent's dinner, was called a racist just because I shouted the N-word at Obama. I am so tired of these partisan politics!

ScottAukerman HELP! Writing song for Mom -- "horny" and "love baloney" doesn't quite work. Anyone know a good rhyming dictionary in paperback?

CourtneyReimer Guy with toupee to waiter: "I'll always be honest with you." Your head begs to differ, sir.

FartSandwich Question: What's 2 pounds and filled with delicious regret? Answer: That 3 AM burrito I ate last night. I feel pregnant. With feces.

Dianneamus I don't care if he is gay. I'd still ride Anderson Cooper like a dime store pony on payday.

FartSandwich Man, it's Monday, and Monday is already riding me like a Boner Jockey. I don't even know what that means, but it's happening.

adamisacson Today they gave me fries with paprika on them. Then a cookie with raisins in it. I ate them anyway. I think I'd hold up well under torture.

Jim_Hamilton Who has one thumb and can't safely operate a table saw?

Just_Unco When it's really hot I put my top sheet in the freezer for a while. If only there was a way to clone my brilliance for the little people

adamisacson Dropped off the kid. Taking the bus to work. Soon I'll be at my desk answering emails. I want Harrison Ford to play me in the movie version.

usedwigs Caught myself air-drumming while running... mostly hi-hat and snare, nothing fancy.

nathanielbryan I like how Apple's "Liam Neeson Collection" has the good stuff like Krull and Darkman and leaves off stinkers like Schindler's List.

TheComedySnob I wonder if the guy who drives the crazy anti-abortion van in my town has a second car or if he does errands in that thing.

diablocody If anyone here is healing a tattoo, I recommend Aquaphor. If it's gentle enough for an infant's penis, it's fine for your sleazy, inky arm.

adamisacson Today I've already completed three big, daunting tasks on my to-do list. Four, if you include "Post lame 'to-do list' joke on Twitter."

Jim_Hamilton Singing "Yellow Ledbetter" by Pearl Jam at my desk. Lyric Accuracy is currently at 17%.

cellebelle dear @ladygaga , i really, really love LOVEGAME. but what, pray tell, is a discostick? you know what? i dont want to know.

calindrome At Qdoba. M.I.A. in my ears: "Paper Planes." The gunshots are nicely underscoring my efforts to kill this burrito. #ambience

ScottAukerman L O S T: People wonder why Jacob didn't interact w/ Juliet in her flashback. But there's a deleted scene where he lets her kiss his penis.