Wednesday, October 8, 2008

George Costanza's Top 10 Ladies

It's obvious that during the the the television show Seinfeld's run, the caliber of women Jerry dated increased throughout the seasons. There are 2 possible reasons for this:

  1. On the show, as in real life, Jerry, as a stand up comic enjoyed a rising level of success. It is possible to suggest that as he became more successful in his stand up act, booking larger venues and late night talk show appearances, this success would translate into attracting (and gaining the confidence to talk with) better looking women.
  2. As a producer on one of the funniest sitcoms of all time, he could cast whomever he wanted. Vanity trumps realism.

Regardless of the reason, it's at least plausible that Jerry could score with model-level women. The same can't be said for George Costanza. Forget the fact that he didn't define the classical definition of handsome; that's almost irrelevant. What you can hold against him is that as the show went on, he only became shallower, more self-centered and despicable; traits no woman wants to see in a potential suitor.

I'm not here to delve into the psychological reasons of how attractive women could be attracted to such a callous, selfish human being. That would be sexist, and ultimately meaningless. I'd much rather sit here and rank the ladies George dated, and give you his top ten lady friends from the show! On the flip side, we'll take a look...

#10 The Housekeeper (Lanei Chapman)

Episode: The Old Man
Season 4

"I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body." With that one glorious line, we get a peak into George's disturbing mind. That it came true at the end of this episode only makes her more attractive. While it's doubtful these two stayed together much longer after the rubdown (no way George could handle a amazonian Jamaican model), there's something to be said for fulfilling a fantasy. For that alone, she makes the top 10.

#9 (Nina) Charlotte Lewis

Episode: "The Switch"
Season 6

She was a model George. A model. And you didn't even need a picture of "Man Hands" to get her. So what if she liked to throw up a little? She was a model!

#8 Nancy (Marla Sucharetza)

Episode: "The Fusilli Jerry"
Season 6

Had he only been able to memorize "the move," George might still be performing unbelievably in bed with Nancy. Instead, he "cheated" by writing it down on his hand, and though completely satisfied by George's sexual prowess, she was still creeped out enough to throw him out of bed.

#7 Paula (Christa Miller)

Episode: "The Doodle"
Season 6

George couldn't overlook her quirk of sucking on the pit of a peach he just ate, so tossed Paula off to the side, even when she told him she wouldn't mind if he "draped himself in velvet." George can only blame himself when he ponders why women don't go out with him; he always seems to be finding faults with the ones that put up with him!

#6 (Mary Anne) Rena Sofer

Episode: "The Muffin Tops"
Season 8

Mary Anne took pity on George, mistaking him for a tourist coming to see the Big Apple. Easy on the eyes, with a big heart, the relationship was doomed once she realized George was a boob regardless of where he was from.

#5 (Vivian) Kellie Waymire

Episode: "The Blood"
Season 9

Quite possibly the one woman most like George, we never do find out what happens with their relationship, if you can call it that. But since she enjoyed television and cured meats during sex, I'm guessing they went at it pretty hot and heavy for awhile, before she turned it up in the bedroom with something really kinky that turned George off. Sadly, Kellie Waymire passed away in 2003.

#4 (Nina) Justine Miceli

Episode: "The Betrayal"
Season 9

You could make the case that Nina represented both Jerry and Elaine in teh bedroom for George - the two people he most wanted to sleep with. Jerry, because they were such good friends (too compatible to sleep together, he had said), and Elaine, because Jerry mentioned how if the group ever lost her Nina could fit right in without missing a step. And if you want to get all Freud with the show, George most likely wanted to sleep with both Jerry and Elaine, so dating Nina was the next best thing. It didn't hurt that she was also attractive. And that's way too much thought put into a half-hour television show.

#3 Heather (Kymberly Kalil)

Episode: "The Chicken Roaster"
Season 8

He stuck in her head, but in the end it simply wouldn't work out. At first, disgusted by his behavior on their one date, Heather quickly made an excuse to get rid of him. But apparently she couldn't get him out of her head and called him back. Unfortunately, George's neuroses and a terrible deli order did him in, and Heather came back to her senses. (Unrelated: I defy anyone to find a picture of Ms. Kalil without William Finchter in the shot.)

#2 Jane (Melora Walters)

Episode: The Hamptons
Season 5

Don't recognize her? Maybe this pic will help:

Before she caught wind of George's "issue," Jane gave George a true beauty to walk around. First, she casually sunbathed topless; second she agreed to travel to the Hamptons with George. So not only did she have a bit of a wild side, she also was ready to party with a short balding gentlemen. Plus, she apparently knew what she liked when it came to men. Too bad for chilly waters!

#1 (Herself)Marisa Tomei

Episode: "The Cadillac"
Season 7

Seriously, who else could it be? Susan? Let me count the reasons it wouldn't be her:

  • She dabbled in lesbianism after leaving George, but it didn't take.
  • She took his dry cleaning money.
  • She laughed at "Seven."
  • She made him sleep with his mother in doll form.
  • And so on...

She did nothing for George, and frequently belittled him. No, Susan was never good for George. Ms. Tomei on the other hand.... But even with her bizarre infatuation with short, fat, bald, funny men, George still ruined it.

So there you have it. Agree? Disagree? Have a solo picture of Ms. Kalil? Let me know in the comments!


Cline said...

Christa Miller's way too low. Highly underrated hottie.

Also, where's Tracy Nelson (the one who looked like Jerry), the cleaning lady, and the unemployment woman's daughter?

Goose said...

too low? Who do you bump? Don't you dare say Finchter's wife either.

Cline said...

That's Finchtner's wife? I thought they were just coincidentally at a lot of photo ops.

Also, how dare you ask me to defend my arguments (and long-held lust for Miss Miller) with rational thoughts that pertain to the structure of the list you composed.

Based on the pictures at hand and my faulty memory, I'd put her #4 behind Nina (move to #3) and ahead of Heather (drop to #5). That's a horrible picture of Miss Kalil.

Also, not sure I ever made the connection that C. Reilly's coked-up date from Magnolia was the shrinkage chick.

Goose said...

Miller was way better on Drew Carey regardless. And trust me, that's a fantastic picture of Kalil when compared to every other one on the internet. You know how much research went into this article?

khop said...

Goose, are they hiring where you work? Wherever this magical place is, I would like to gain employment there. stat. make it happen.

Goose said...

Please - all the time invested in this article was done at home. I'm dedicated to the blog. Unlike ""2 Posts" Cline.

hendge said...

Hard to argue with any of your logic. A handful that should squeeze onto the list for sure though are:

1. Conjugal visit sex

2. Marlene, the actress -- remember, she dated George before Jerry. Also, she's played by the same actress who was the waitress from Monk's that George also dated ("Manure ... its not bad")

3. Allison -- the one he wants to go to the Ball with, so he keeps dodging her calls so she can't break up with him ("Believe it or not, George isn't at home ..."

4. Dianne Diconn (sp?) ... thinks George is a marine bioligist

5. Anna ... thinks George is a "bad boy."

Great topic.

Goose said...

Agreed Allison (his date for the Yankees ball) was attractive, but she didn't dig George that much, so I left her out.

Celia (the conjugal visit gal) definitely was into George, but I personally I didn't find her as attractive as the top 10 I've listed. Obviously, it's subjective. Except for Heather - the picture isn't great but she's a personal favorite. Fichtner is a lucky guy.

Criteria I was going for was a mix of attractiveness and potential for George if he didn't screw things up It's a dangerous tightrope I choose to walk, and I'll admit there might be stumbles.

Anonymous said...

I agree that Rebecca McFarland (Anna who thought George was a bad boy) belongs on this list ahead of Lanei Chapman or Marla Sucharetza. I think it's tragic about Kellie Waymire... she was incredibly hot. And what about Susan Diol (Audrey, the girl he wanted to get a nose job)? Although, it's nearly impossible to find a good photo of her.

Anonymous said...

How could you leave out George's Cousin? "C'mon George...let's be bad."

Gotta love kissin cousins

Anonymous said...

What about the girl that went with Neil, after his burning. She's the hottest one.

Anonymous said...

You forgot Kirk Cameron's wife, who left Neil for George.

Anonymous said...

Tracy Nelson dated Jerry, not George.

How about Victoria? The one George told, "Hello, my name is George and I live with my parents."

I always thought Susan was hot.

Anonymous said...

2 other George Girls:

Jerry: Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex with Louise!

George: No, the Portuguese waitress.

Jerry: the Portuguese waitres?!

George: I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I'd to do it, Jerry....


George: So she starts vaccuming, back and forth, back and forth, her hips swivelling, her breasts, uh... (trying to think of a word)

Jerry: Convulsing?

George: Convulsing?

Jerry: I don't know, I'm trying to help you.

George: Then I asked her if she wanted a drink.

Jerry: You don't drink.

George: I know but I couldn't think of anything else to say to her.

Jerry: So you started drinking.

George: So we started drinking, and I'll tell you I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next think I knew she was mopping the floor with me.

mnash0915 said...

I think that Neil's girlfriend should have been included...she was very pretty. Remember the episode where this gorgeous woman (I dont know her name but I have seen her in other shows) mistakes him for Neil...except Neil is shorter and doesnt have as much hair. She seems to be into George but George is obsessed with Neil. But she takes Neil back after he burns himself on a blueberry crape.
She should be on the list

Anonymous said...

#10 needs to be moved up, incredible, gotta get victoria"my name is George , I'm un employed and I live with my parents" gorgeous and any one into that is beautiful, and it gives alot of guys a chance out there.

hendge said...

Victoria is a good one.

The cleaning lady? Really? People think she was hot? I say, not hot ... plus, she was a stalker wacko. Not Top 10 material.

Nose job chick was not hot while dating George. Post-rhinoplasty, she was pretty sweet ... but she was Kramer's by then. "We're off to the reggae lounge!"

Probably wouldn't qualify because she was on screen for like 30 seconds, but its one of my favorite scenes in Seinfeld. After George gets his toupee and goes in to Monk's, there's a hot woman at one of the tables and he goes "How's your life? All right?" Classic.

Anonymous said...

There are at least another 10 girlfriends who could have easily been added to this list including the aforementioned Chelsa Noble who mistook George for her boyfriend. Others include Kim Gillingham who was the photo assistant when George was a hand model, Jana Maria Hupp who played Sasha the Latvian Orthodox who George changed religion to be with; Deedee Pfeiffer whom he met at the diner when he was opposite George and her dad helps him get the Yankees job; Jessica Tuck who had a male roommate that had to move out when George got jealous; Katy Selverstone who worked at the zoo and couldn't hear out of one ear; Rebecca McFarland who worked with Elaine and thought George was a "Bad Boy"; Heather Campbell who worked at the photo shop that developed the photo of George in his underwear; Andrea Bendewald who was in prison and escaped to be with George; Susan Diol who had a nose job and went out with Kramer afterwards; and Maggie Han, the Chinese lawyer who becomes attracted to a sullen Jerry

Anonymous said...

I'm giving you a raise!!!

Goose said...

yes anonymous I went through all the names too - in fact I looked at every woman George had a passing fancy in. As I said before, criteria was a blend of attractiveness and willingness to be with George.

Anonymous said...

Great list. BTW, the phrase is "...ensconsed in velvet".

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

what about karen

"i feel full after the risotto"

mwdillon said...

where the hell is the yada yada yada girl? she was a hottie.

rhymeister said...

No way Charlotte Lewis is anything but #1, that girl is a super hottie!

Get off the crack, LOL.

Anonymous said...

great article. well done on the research. another seinfeld article to check out. top fictional movies

Andy - Instafather said...

I only wish I came up with the idea sooner. You should one on Kramer's girlfriends, although I can only really think of the girl with the long fingernails, as well as Pam.

Shane Frederick said...

didn't christa miller also have george fired as a bra salesman?

Michael said...

I think my favorite was Victoria (?), played by Dee Dee Pfeiffer. That's one of my favorite all-time Seinfeld lines when he approaches her doing "the opposite" of his usual approach. Cracks me up!

greebs said...

Both the yada yada girl and Lisa Edelstein (it's not the same as the risotto, George) should definitely be on this list.

Colin said...

This is definitely a great list and really who else could have possibly been #1? But Chelsea Noble is a glaring oversight.

And to answer Shane Frederick, yes she did after he felt her material.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Great list, not sure I would have counted the jamaican housekeeper. Probly would have replaced her with Anna, the girl who thought George was a bad boy. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Alviseni said...

no way!

Christa Miller and Rena Sofer are hotter!

Anonymous said...

It was always ridiculous how George had such ungodly high standards for a man of no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and even more ridiculous how even so he still managed to sustain his rockstar-level standards with the level of romantic activity of an average handsome, smart and funny guy. BTW what the hell is wrong with Kimberly and William?!? Are those two stuck to each other with industrial super glue or something?

Jack K said...

This list great. I actually found a fan site that compiled all of the woman that George dates during the show.

The final tally (according to them) is 47 woman. George, you dog you!