Cool Shit 10/23

Sometimes, creating elaborate posts on the Internet can lead to success...while this show is far from making it on the air, The Second American Civil War, which started as a post on Quora, looks like it's going to be considered.

Interview with Christopher Nolan about his new movie Interstellar.

The trailer that will be everywhere (so why not here?): Avengers 2:



Clarifying the undergarments worn by Mormons.

In case you were really wondering about drinking your urine and whether it was a good idea or not, the internet can help you.

Cool Shit 9/3

With September here, the kids are off to school, and the networks and movie studios are getting themselves ready to offer new entertainment. And who better than GQ to offer us a look at some of the potential breakouts this Fall? I mean, they can certainly pick out a lot of clothes that would make me go bankrupt should I ever decide I need to look like a Croatian gangster.

Big Bond fan here, so I appreciated a look at some of the funnier moments from the films. Though Moonraker does step from funny to silly once or twice. Let's pretend it never happened.

To me, there's few things weirder or eerier than an abandoned amusement park. Don't think so? Check out these pictures first. And then imagine you're there and a gang of rogue, out of work, disheveled looking clowns are stumbling after you while you are taking a look at the dilapidated roller coaster. Because obviously out of work clowns frequent abandoned amusement parks.

So it seems that Hollywood, in its attempt to create huge piles of money this summer, kinda did the opposite. Once again I'm reminded of a snake eating itself, as this graph suggests they released too many blockbusters, and the public simply said enough. Of course, I also might argue that the quality of these blockbusters had something to do with it as well.

It's funny. Today I woke up and started thinking about what I could have for breakfast. There's cereal, eggs, pancakes, and all that jazz, but I wasn't really feeling any of that. What I really wanted was some fried soup.

Not sure why it was ever considered a flop, although I wondering if it had to do with the idea that critics weren't ready for a movie with both Martin Mull AND Tim Curry. Stupid critics. And yes, I'm talking about CLUE!

And finally - the return of Jam of the Day!

It's So Easy - The Peddlers

Cool Shit 6/3

With the way we watch television these days (gorging ourselves often of an entire series in one sitting) our thirst for more is becoming increasingly overwhelming. So much so that we're breaking down country borders in our quest to see new and original programming (at least some of us). Here are 24 series from other countries to enjoy.

A sequel for the British Office? Well, not exactly, but David Brent is back!



As the Everest climbing season closes for 2013, here's a look back in pictures of the past 60 years of climbing on the mountain.

If you like hot dogs, you will enjoy this cool video of varieties of them attached to their corresponding locations of origin. Though no Philly one makes it kinda lame...



At the corner of Religion and Politics, and how they blend together - and who gets it done. Too bad.

Cool Shit 4/16

I am generally not much of an emotional person. No excuses, it's just the way I am. But one thing that will get me every time is the standard trope of the unordinary acting extraordinary. As in, the story from yesterday that marathoners, upon finishing a race of 26 miles, a grueling test of endurance in which it is not uncommon for your nipples to bleed or for you to defecate as you run, went to hospitals to see if they could donate blood. Or the story of this man, who was at the race to honor his two deceased sons, and found himself administering triage to victims with blown off limbs.

Those are the stories that will always get me.

And will always remind me no matter what evils there are, good can and will triumph.



A quick summary of interesting things that happened at Coachella this past weekend (a huge outdoor concert in San Francisco). Sad to hear about the Violent Femmes appearance.

A good old fashioned murder mystery, from one of today's premiere non-fiction writers.

Is there too much good television on right now - and will that ultimately hurt it?

There are a roughly a billion awesome things in this story about Kobe Bryant trying to become a rapper. I'll let you discover them on your own.

Sounds like if you can get over the fact that the movie will have nothing to do with the book, World War Z could be enjoyable.

Literal James Bond Song

Fantastic regardless if you like James Bond or not:

In fact, it's almost as good as this. Almost.

Yes that's right, as we enter 2012, the Quincy intro with lyrics has indeed won the coveted, "Greatest Youtube Video of the Year." And frankly, it's going to take something ginormous to unseat it (Possibly lyrics to Klugman's other awesome television show, You Again?)

I will say this - it is not the following video of someone else trying to add lyrics to the Quincy theme song. I hesitate to include this and give him more publicity, but since The Popcorn Trick is technically a news blog we have to provide all viewpoints so...

Australian Television is Better than American Television

Based on this clip at least...

Everything goes wrong from the word "go" in this morning news show segment. But please stay for the end when the host gets excited for dropping an "awesome" line in at the end. It might be my favorite part, aside from the other guy saying "You better go to another segment!" after hooking the duck (you'll understand when you watch).

Your Favorite TV Shows...Miniaturized!

Pretty cool video depicting famous tv shows (though I don't see how Dirty Sexy Money got in there) miniaturized. Actually, if I had to guess, I think this is a promo for some foreign television show that grabbed up some American repeats. Enjoy!

PRIME BIG SERIES - SMALL SCREEN from steven huybrechts on Vimeo.

Dog Police

There are just too many things I want to say about this. Apparently it's real. That concept hurts my head.

The Walking Dead

One of the more anticipated television series coming this Fall to AMC, is The Walking Dead, based on a graphic novel of the same name. Gory, unapologetic, and downright gnarly, the show is about how a small band of human survivors cope with a zombie world.

Reading the first 10 issues of the comic, I can't imagine how a lot of scenes will even be dealt with, due to the graphic nature. At some points, I thought the author (Robert Kirkman) was simply trying to create the most absurd, violent scenarios to see how far he could push the envelope. So we'll see. Here's a trailer for the upcoming series...

Not sure how I feel about it so far. As I said, the comic is blunt, stark, and in your face. To me, this trailer doesn't capture that exact feel. The soundtrack especially feels off. Still, I'm excited to see what they do with this, and how much is faithful to the comic and how much they change. It does seem they're trying to push as much as they can (the little girl zombie is a start) so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Still, there are only so many things you can show on television. Even if it is cable.

New Lost tonight!

After what ABC did to us last week, throwing a repeat into the schedule after telling us Lost was going to run uninterupted this season, I didn't know how to act. The week leading up to Wednesday moved tantilizingly fast, as I repeatedly forgot about the no new Lost. After Wednesday reared its ugly head however, the week slowed to a crawl, and only the NCAA tournament held my interest. Luckily, it seemed like it was on 24/7 so I could get lost (ugh - terrible pun) but now that that's on hold, thoughts can drift back to the two islands (reinforced 2 weeks ago).

The image I included at the top is a scan of some of my notes I began jotting down, trying to wrap my head around just what exactly is going on and what has been revealed this season. As you can see, there's simply no easy way to summarize it, and my head started hurting not long after beginning. But hey, in some weird way, that's why we watch this show.

Anyway, on the flips side...ramblings, predictions and lunacies, in no particular order!



Before going on, I will say I have enjoyed the subtle voice shift in the recent shows. They've toned down the mindfucking, and turned up the adventure yarn. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my mindfucked Lost, but it's cool to get a breather before ramping up to what I can only assume is going to be a great season finale. If there's one thing Lost can do, it's throw an end of the season balls-to-the-wall finale.

But now, as we (mostly) amble through 1977 on the island with the Dharma initiative, we get a chance to fill in some blanks the show has alluded to, and a chance to get back in touch with the characters. And Lost has always done a good job with manipulating our feelings with the characters. Remember when we all loved Kate? She was the rogue anti-hero. Now? I wouldn't mind a boulder falling on her. And Juliet was the exact opposite. Her introduction was clunky and her motives mysterious. Now she's a true adventurer and her motives...well they still might be mysterious to some degree but at least now we can get behind them a bit.

The biggest character change we've witnessed however is of course Sawyer. Given a chance to "rebirth" his life, Sawyer has jumped right in. Nowhere has this been more obvious than the chat he had with Jack about their different styles.

Of course, we'll see where this leads.

Other thoughts/musings/sure to be wrong predictions...

Ben bringing the captured Sayid a sandwich. Is that why Sayid seems indebted to him later? Or is there something more? Will Ben help Sayid escape?

The religious symbolism is all abound in this show. My theory is that Jack was actually the Christ figure, with Locke being John the Baptist (JtB was thought to be the messiah at one point I believe) and Ben taken on the Judas role (especially with the recent revelation JC may have asked Judas to bertay him) but I don't think my theory is getting too much traction.

The Egyptian symbolism is almost as abundant as the Christian symbolism. Is the fact that when you "leave" the island by turning the wheel and wind up in Tunisia a clue that the foundation for ancient Egypt started on the island?

Someone pointed this out to me. I wish I was this observant. Is there a reason why some people on the plane shifted back to 1977 and why some crashed in the present? Sun had Jin's ring, and Locke had a Shepherd's pair of shoes on. Is there significance to this?

Will we get any answers tonight? I'm pretty sure we all know the answer to that is "no." But I'm fine with that, as long as they continue the pace, flesh out stuff they've alluded to earlier and continue on the trail toward giving us all the answers we want.

An Appreciation to Late Night Television - The rest of them

(Note: I realize that Carson is the king and that everyone pretty much from his point forward owe their careers to him. I watched and enjoyed him but my influential years were spent with Letterman. I'm an east coast guy and Letterman's sensibilities fit right into that. Anyway, that's my Carson rant.)

On the flip side, a collection of the others over the years...



Jay Leno

Say what you will about Jay Leno, the guy has done more than people routinely give him credit for. Us cynical Letterman fans just can't give him the credit he is due, and that's too bad, because he has seemingly created a late night empire that will propel him into prime time this summer when he takes his show to the 10 PM slot five days a week this summer.



Leno can definitely sell a joke, and his monologue is tight, professional and funny. He has risen from the ashes of The Late Shift (HBO movie on the whole Letterman/Leno/Carson thing) to become the king of late night.

Chevy Chase



Unfortunately, I trumpeted Chevy Chase as genius almost as much as Conan. But let me defend my self real quick. At that time, Chase could do no wrong. He was in Caddyshack. He was in Fletch. He had been an integral part of the success of Saturday Night Live. How could he be bad?



Oh well.

Arsenio Hall



While I realize he filled an important role as one of the first African American late night talk show hosts, I just couldn't get into him. Flashy without much substance, it wasn't my thing. He also had a tendency to really kiss up to his guests, something I definitely wasn't used to with Letterman's style and approach.



Pat Sajak



Anyone else remember that Pat Sajak had a late night television show? I'll admit, I didn't watch too much of this show. I can kinda see why someone might think Sajak would be a decent host, as he is fairly witty on Wheel of Fortune in an innocent way, but not for a late night show. Put him on in the afternoon and he might have had something special.



Alan Thicke



If you didn't remember Pat Sajak, you're definitely not going to remember Alan Thicke's show, known only for the awesome pun in the title. Apparently Arsenio Hall was Thicke's sidekick though, so he's go that going for him...

An Appreciation to Late Night Television - The Conan Years

While the juggling of late night shows was going on back in 1993, one new, timid voice joined their ranks - Conan O'Brien. Plucked from relative obscurity (yet having some credentials, including editor of teh Harvard Lampoon, SNL and Simpsons writer), Conan didn't fit the mold of standard host. The big three at the time (or 4 if you want to include Arsenio) all had backgrounds in stand up comedy, and at the very least, had been in front of a crowd before. Not so much with Conan. As a result, his show started out awkwardly.





It started off a little rough...



But eventually it turned the corner...







For whatever reason, I decided to like Conan O'Brien from the very beginning, and would defend him to everyone who bashed him. Even when he was painfully unfunny. And slowly but surely, he rewarded me by winning everyone over.

And now he is about to make the same move as Letterman, to an earlier time slot and presumably a different type of audience. Will he succeed? Only time will tell. He has promised to bring his same brand of "stupid" humor, but I'm not sure if that's going to fly on a different coast, in a different studio, with different eyes watching. Let's hope that's the case.

Next, the horrible rest...

The Lost countdown continues...

Less than 4 hours to go before we all get Lost tonight. For a quick recap of where the characters are, take a look here at my post from yesterday. Or, you can always go here and get a possibly more accurate, yet less humorous recap. Can't wait to get your total Lost fix? Read an Interview with Hurley and an interview with Ben.

An if you really want to dive in, immerse yourself in some of the theories floating around.

Regardless, from everything I've read, tonight's episode(s) should be good.

Deconstructing Jonny Quest (or - What were my parents thinking?)

Every now and then for whatever reason (you can't define inspiration) I'll jot something down in a notebook, to look up later on youtube. Hey, it gets me through the day. Anyway, for whatever reason, the other day I wrote "Jonny Quest." I vaguely remember being entertained by the cartoon on Saturday mornings, the one day I was allowed to simply go downstairs and watch television without bothering my parents. It's a wonder I survived my Amish beginnings.

Now, I know the show was created in the late 60s and then simply ran ad nauseum for years on whatever network would pick it up - though I haven't seen it recently. So I figured youtube was as good a place as any to find it. And find it I did.

Good lord was this show awesome.

And by awesome I mean violent, raw, scary, thrilling and kickin. "Kickin" as in it may have had the best cartoon soundtrack I have come across. This show had it all, and quite possibly holds the answers to what makes me who I am today.

Rather than waste it in a Good, Bad, Beautiful, I thought this needed its own post. There's so much going on - and that's only in the opening credits of the show. Honestly, I can't think of a more action packed 45 seconds of entertainment. But I'll let you be the judge. Take a look on the flip side...





Not your average start to a child's cartoon, right? I count 2 explosions, 6 gun shots, and 10 acts of violence/aggression - and that's in 50 seconds. Thankfully, they slow it down when introducing the characters, or I'm not sure my head could take it.

But let's break it down as only we know how here at The Popcorn Trick...

The show Jonny Quest was about a scientist and his son who travel the globe battling...um...things (creatures, robots, evil doers, etc.) with the aid of a secret agent (Race Bannon - quite possibly the greatest name in the history of names. You know what exactly the type of guy you're getting with a name like Race Bannon), an Indian kid adopted by the good Dr., and a dog. Obviously the dog is there for comic relief/to get into situations in order to be saved, but still, the inclusion of Bandit almost invokes my rule of "never watch a show/movie that exploits innocent animals to tug on the heartstrings of the audience." It's why I will never watch I Am Legend or King Kong. Quest gets a pass because even the devious creators of this show would never kill an animal. I don't think.

No one is going to mistake what the show is about after watching the opening credits. What you see in the first 50 seconds, is what you get for a half hour. And I don't want it any other way.

We start off immediately on an off-colored note, with a number of natives chasing what may or may not be a minority through the jungle. We'll see more of the natives in the closing credits, so don't you worry. That scene cuts to a screaming dinosaur bird, that does nothing more than scream and scare the bejesus out of everyone. It really comes out of left field, and continues to do so. A little animal montage of a panther and alligator is thrown in for good measure before we suddenly see 2 army guys sitting in a trench unloading an M-60 on a mechanical Daddy Long Legs.

What?

As far as opening credits go, this is what we in the industry call a left turn. No where was this scenario set up. I love it. And I can imagine my 6 year old mind orgasming over it...in a completely innocent 6 year old way.

And we're just getting warmed up, as the driving cocaine beat of the music suggests at this point in the credits.

The M-60 had no effect on giant Daddy Long Legs, but the tank and mortar shells certainly do. Explosion #1 and mechanical Daddy Long Legs is a mess of brilliant flashing colors.

Yet there's no rest for the weary here. New scene - new enemy. We're transported to...oh let's say Egypt for argument's sake, inside some sort of tomb with a giant mummy walking around looking pissed. It's also one of the scarier mummies I've ever seen. Bursting through a timber door that may or may not have entombed him (I hope not, since it hardly seemed to slow the mummy down) he is met with a barrage of gun fire from two guys suited up in biohazard gear, apparently under the impression that becoming a mummy may be contagious. Note we have yet to see one major character from the show yet.

The mummy, angered either by the gun shots or saddened by the fact that there are guys invoking early 80s doctors' practices of dealing with GRID patients, does what any normal misunderstood creature would do. He grabs the nearest Shriner and lifts him over his head. Oh but look, Race Bannon is there sans containment gear (he's the Matthew Modine of this bizarre And the Band Played On interpretation) shooting his gun and causing a lot of rubble to fall on the mummy and presumably kill him! That the Shriner is also underneath that rubble is an unfortunate but common occurrence in times of war. And I assume that fighting mummies would cause an act of war be declared.

Before the next Jonny Quest adventure, we enjoy a slight reprieve of men in orange suits floating over an alien landscape in giant hovering coffee mugs. Never seen again, I certainly don't trust 'em. Especially when immediately following their arrival we cut to a giant vulture/turkey buzzard/turkey (seriously, bird experts, what is that?) swooping down to grab Bandit.

Obviously, Bandit is not going to die; he's listed in the credits for Christ's sake. Still, the look of evil on the turkey buzzard (really, it looks like a turkey, right? But I can't and won't believe the animators were tripping enough to get away with drawing a psychotic looking turkey swoop dive and grab a dog. Even if it is a pug. So until I'm proven wrong, I'm going with turkey buzzard), coupled with the look of fear on Bandit's face as he's picked off the ground like I pick an olive out of an Outback Steakhouse side salad is the sort of thing that will keep me from sleeping tonight. His small little pug legs betray him. It's quite sad. Had he been a border collie I no doubt he would have been able to run away. I have to imagine that scene alone is why I will never watch I Am Legend.

(Seriously, why kill the dog in I Am Legend? Fuck you if you haven't seen it and are screaming for a spoiler alert. If you couldn't figure out they were killing that dog when you saw him in the trailer then you're an idiot. You wanna know why they killed the dog? Because we, as a society demanded it. Because the story was about "the last man on Earth" they certainly couldn't show gore by killing another person so early in the movie; there weren't any to kill off. But that explanation wouldn't satisfy the gore hounds that go to movies these days. The people that pay the Will Smith paychecks and buy the producers' gas for their diamond planes. So something needed to die.

And so concludes my Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes morality moment. Back to the Quest.)

Luckily, the bird/dog confrontation is quick and again we can feel content with the fact that they're not killing a supporting star of the show - at least until February sweeps. Something my 6 year old mind only had a rough grasp of (I knew about May and November; I could never remember the February sweeps). Slithering snakes of indeterminate species transition us into what may be the weirdest shot of the entire credits montage (and that's saying something) and also the most mysterious. Two creatures, possibly from the dragon family are seen trudging through a swamp. I say dragon because I think I can make out a forked tongue that keeps sticking out as they chomp their mouths in a sign of aggression, suspiciously looking as though they're chasing something. Weird, but not Mummy picking up a Shriner weird - except for the fact that each dragonthing is LEASHED. Either they're pulling a sled, or are being held back by a giant type being. Either option is at play as this is still Jonny Quest!

We never find out the dragonthings mystery as we now find Race Bannon getting ready to swing off what appears to be a raised sunken pirate ship. It's a little unclear in the 2 seconds it's on.

Bannon swings from the deck, through a shipyard, the docks, possibly a small town and then another 400 yards to knock either A) a guy dressed in a frog (aka SCUBA) suit; B) an actual frog creature; C) a "handsy" uncle; or D) all of the above. Mission accomplished. This appears to be the start of the climactic battle scene of the opening credits, as the J. Quest molester's partner (or the original guy is just really really fast) is seen back on board the raised pirate ship firing off a technically advanced cannon of some sort. Shooting at what, we don't know, we only see the beam phaser off into the distance.

Dr. Benton Quest (making his first appearance in the credits), has a technically advanced cannon of his own - and isn't afraid to use it. I can't believe he's down at the docks though, as his cannon is large and bulky; moving it from place to place would require at flatbed of considerable size at the very least. So don't ask me where Dr. Quest is during this whole fire fight. Maybe Race is calling him in for an air strike or something, and he's hanging out back at the base where there's a plethora of cannons that shoot cool.

Whatever the case, Benton strikes a direct hit on the pirate ship, decimating it completely in the credit's second large explosion. And finally, we can slow down. We're 50 seconds in and haven't had a chance to catch our breath. The next 35 seconds (an eternity in Johnny Quest credits time) is spent introducing the characters onboard what I can only guess is the Quest jet. You might think it's enough time to get in 15-20 introductions with the breakneck pace that has been established, but no, just the 5 main characters, in order of appearance on the plane:

• Jonny Quest
• Dr. Benton Quest
• "Race" Bannon
• Hadji
• Bandit

Thankfully, we end in a state of calm, the plane banks off into clouds, obviously off toward their next adventure. If it's anything like the opening credits, I can't wait.

So there you have it - a deeper look into what I consider one of the most influential shows of my childhood. I'll never forget the invisible monster (and the noise it made when it was close) this team defeated with paint and possibly electricity - either using an electric fence, or a net. It's a little hazy in my head, being I last saw this show 30 years ago. Don't hold me to specifics, just enjoy the show for what it was, lament in the fact that they don't mass produce awesomeness like this for kids' consumption anymore and enjoy this little bonus of closing credits action without my longwindedness...

Johnny Quest closing credits:



(and yes, I realize I just wrote 2000 words on 1 minute and 24 seconds worth of cartoon, but seriously, they really pack a lot in there - and think of it this way - I was really close to deconstructing the end credits too)

Going "inside" The Popcorn Trick

I'm not sure many of you know this, but with this blog comes a neat little tool that allows me to see people search on Google to get here. When I first found out about this interface, I was really psyched, in a Porky's girl's bathroom hole scene. Now that I've peeped on you freaks though, it's more of an James Gandolfini 8MM feel that I can't wash off my skin, no matter how many Silkwood showers I take.

(and there it is - the record for obscure, stupid movie references in one paragraph. I'd like to thank the academy. I have a speech already here...)

Anyway, while I'm sure many bloggers use this data to increase the traffic to their site, I use it for entertainment value. And I figured why should I have the fun? Why not pull the curtain away and reveal what makes you convicts tick? Because after seeing most of the phrases that get you here, I can't imagine anyone other than the fine people locked away in our penal system searching our site.

On the flip side, a closer look at the stats, and a list of my favorite phrases that led people to the Popcorn Trick...



It seems that the search engine tool only keeps data from 6 months, and it's broken down into 2 lists: a list of searches where our site showed up (and it's ranking on that list); and a list of searches where people then clicked to our site. I'll be focusing on the latter...

May 2008

If you googled "live blogging the lost finale," we ranked #2! That's pretty cool. I can't believe I was one of the only ones to do that, but I'll take it. And yes, I'm still upset Kemy died.

The search I'm most proud of this month is: "youtube majors lee benedict dirk." I feel good knowing I've spread the genius of both those actors, regardless of the fact that the person searching for them isn't 100% sure of first land last names for these two stud actors.

I'm also proud the phrase, "Little Giants 2" brought at least one person to the site, though I'm sad that we didn't give any actual information about the sequel. Actually I'm really sad that there isn't a sequel.

June 2008

Either the thing was broken this month, or our content was a little lean. No searches led anyone to our site. It was like the book A Tale of 2 Cities, with our site being the city that really sucked.

July 2008

We bounced back in July though. Here's a list of my favorites:

What will the government do if a UFO landed on earth
Little Giants 2
dick in the popcorn trick

Good to see the fan of Little Giants didn't give up hope for the sequel! I also like the fact that my site hopefully further fueled some conspiracy newsletter's editor with more fodder to pour into the gullible minded hearts of its subscribers.

dick in the popcorn trick - well that just brings a warm spot to my heart.

August 2008

We lost steam again in August, with the only thing bringing people to our site was our name: The Popcorn Trick. Hey, it's the dog days of summer.

September 2008

People are back in school which brings more bizarre searches. I'd personally like to thank the person who used the phrase, "Adrienne Barbeau's jiggle" to get to the site; to see that come up puts a smile on my face and a lump in my pants. In fact, it also made me come up with this quick list of ten other women/physical movements:

• Fannie Flagg shimmy
• Linda Carter chicken dance
• evangeline lilly fidget
• bridget fonda nipple lick
• jane fonda watches bridget nipple lick
• Jill clayburgh silver streak
• kristy mcnichol sexy gran mal seizure
• tina yothers hair pulling
• heather thomas bouncing buttocks
• denise richards kissing things

I am concerned however that someone searched for "how to do the popcorn trick." Not because I'm afraid it's going to happen in a movie somewhere, more because it never occurred to me that the move needed instructions. Basically you need a tub of popcorn, a somewhat loose girl who can take a really obvious hint, and some moxie. There, I just laid it out for you.

October 2008

I may hate the Braves, but I don't hate the person finding us through "Mark Lemke girlfriends." I so hope it was a girl searching to see if she could figure out his type in hopes of getting an idea of his likes before stalking him.

That's just a quick look at some of the searches that got people to our site, and a deeper look into the readers we have here. And yes I know I promised you my favorites of the last 6 months...

"jdroth nickelodeon" (I'm like 90% sure I know the guy who put this in)
"little nude sweethearts" (hopefully not cross linked with Perverted Justice)
"Betty White if she had a dick" (but don't we all wonder that from time to time)

See you next month. Keep those searches coming!

Sunday television - a guide to flipping channels

Sunday afternoons are usually reserved for football. However, when your team isn't playing, sometimes it can be hard to stay focused on the games your local CBS and FOX affiliates are giving you. That's what happens when you don't have the Dish Network.

This is the exact scenario I found myself in yesterday. With the Eagles on a bye week, my rooting interest in football took a week off as well. That left me with a lax attitude toward football in general (not to mention that since the Phillies are in the World Series, football really hasn't taken hold yet). So while I had every intention in the world to watch football on my couch yesterday, my remote began to wonder.

It didn't help that FOX gave me the Gians/49ers game, while CBS gave me the titanic Steelers/Bengals battle. It's amazing I didn't turn off the television completely and go outside to enjoy the day. But I'm a warrior and I battled through that horrible, brief thought. On the flip side, I'll share what kept me inside...



My first stray from the football games occurred when I found Angelie Jolie on TNT in Lara Croft: Cradle of Life. The second installment of the possibly successful franchise (I really have no idea) had the guy who played Caesar from HBO's Rome as the bad guy, as well as a well coiffed Gerard Butler, pre 300. But let's be honest, I'm not watching for those two guys - I'm watching for Jolie and her outfit changes.

Sadly, if you remember LC: CoL, other than the fantastic intro (Jolie in her skintight silver diving suit) the rest of her outfits don't hold up. She wears safari gear a lot, and a bunch of Japanese robes. This is not the Lara Croft I signed up for. Anyway, it begrudgingly made the remote control loop, but not much time was spent with it every time I flipped to it. I did find, in researching this story, that you can apparently watch the entire movie on youtube. Start here if you care to.

What did get a lot of my attention (after watching botched field goals and interceptions in the Giants game for a few minutes) was the MSU/Minnesota women's volleyball game on ESPN 2. Women's volleyball is rarely televised, so this was a treat. The other treat was #17 on MSU's squad: Vanessa King, a 6 foot junior, flying around and taking out Minnesota's attack. I'm not sure I've ever seen a 6 foot redheaded lady before.

One channel up from ESPN 2, Comcast countered football with darts. If you've never seen darts before, you're not missing much. It made my rotation however, because of the announcer; not the two guys doing darts commentary (how far have you fallen when you have to give play-by-play for darts), but the guy at the actual venue, screaming the results to the crowds (yes crowds) on hand to witness two guys that make bowlers look cool throw pointy sticks at cork. The traditional darts' announcer (it's true, I've watched darts before) like an extra from a Guy Ritchie movie who enjoys gargling glass. It's really quite uncanny. I know it's difficult to truly hear it from this video, but it's worth it.



(Unrelated - do you see that crowd. Sure, "honey, I'm going out to watch Darts," is a great excuse to tell your wife to go out and booze up, but still.

The top of the hour rolled around by this point, giving me a whole slew of new shows to flip through, including the movie Pitch Black (not going there too much) a dog show (2 hours?) and an episode of Family Feud (can we collectively vote to destroy all versions of the Karn-hosted Feud? Thanks.) I also thought I got lucky hitting AMC and seeing the In-Laws was on, but quickly realized it wasn't the classic with Arkin and Falk, but the remake with Brooks and Douglas. See the Karn sentiments to see what I think about this travesty.

It wasn't all bad though. Sci-fi gave me Sasquatch Mountain, a tour de force starring a bunch of people who more than likely have starred in sci-fi original movies and Lance Henriksen. Who doesn't love Sasquatch? Here's the trailer. I have no idea why they chose to shoot this entire movie with a blue gel on the camera, but I went with it (at least the first 6 minutes)...



And here's, quite unbelievably, a panel at the Los Angeles Comic Convention, discussing the movie, Sasquatch Mountain (aka Devil on the Mountain):



I can't sit through more than 45 seconds of this (I really just feel embarrassed for everyone involved) but honestly, why introduce your biggest star (Lance Henricksen - also the guy everyone at the convention is there to see) first? Save the big reaction for the end, right? It's also shocking that this is part 1 of 3! I can't do it. I want to. I really do want to watch all 3 parts, I just know I can't.

Luckily, I didn't have to watch the blue-tinted Bigfoot very much, since I next stumbled upon the return of the greatest sport involving trampolines and attitude.

I'm of course talking about Slamball.

Rather than stupidly attempt to explain the awesomeness that is Slamball, I instead give you this:



To top it all off, we got a playoff game, announced by none other than Gus Johnson and Tom Tolbert. So excited by this duo, I immediately scrounged the web in hopes of finding any footage with these two announcing - and I came up with this. I did enjoy (while not 100% understanding) Tolbert's exclamation of, "Give that man a steak dinner!" Thankfully, that is on the video.

Regardless of the awfulness of these choices, it still gave me plenty of fodder to pass the time. What's worse is that I don't feel I wasted my time whatsoever. And that's the problem - when I can be entertained by this stuff, there's no hope for me being productive in life whatsoever.

Fall Television Preview - Knight Rider

Growing up in the 80s, I lived for awesome television shows such as The Fall Guy, Simon and Simon, Magnum P.I. etc. So when I saw the advertisements for a new show about a cool looking talking car, well, let's just say my 10 year old mind was excited.

And the show didn't disappoint. Knight Rider gave its fans a perfect mix of action, humor and Hasselhoff. Friday nights became events for me, and the anticipation of new episodes had me pumped all day. I mean who could forget when KITT had to go up against KARR?



Or when that guy that kinda looks like David Hasselhoff plays an evil guy that makes a truck called Goliath?



Anyway, with the soft spot in my heart for Knight Rider, you can see where the apprehension for the new show comes from

On the flip side you can see what I think...



I tried. I really tried to watch a full episode of the new Knight Rider. But I couldn't. It took 4 minutes before I realized the show had nothing to do with the original, and stunk.

Look, I realize that what I consider a masterpiece in the original Knight Rider, others might not heap that same amount of praise on it; however, compared to the 2008 version, the original is Olivier's Hamlet rolled up in a copy of Citizen Kane.

I get the fact that shows these days feel the need to pump up their cast with brash, young hotties to appeal to the hip youth movement that is poised to destroy our country with their apathetic lifestyles. That doesn't mean everything has to be dumbed down so that an sickly dog can follow the plot. Instead of catering to the audience, how about rewarding them? Some shows get it; Knight Rider 2008 does not.

The plot of the show I watched revolved around surfing. Apparently terrorists smuggling weapons into the US had disguised themselves in a surfing community. And this new team of gorgeous people and KITT had to do the same. I did enjoy the nice touch of attaching surfboards on the top of KITT to totally transform the entire team.

It was at that point I turned the show off. I realize this is not what reviewers are supposed to do, and that in some way I have failed you. I have not however failed you in steering you clear of this show. Trust me.

George Costanza's Top 10 Ladies

It's obvious that during the the the television show Seinfeld's run, the caliber of women Jerry dated increased throughout the seasons. There are 2 possible reasons for this:

1. On the show, as in real life, Jerry, as a stand up comic enjoyed a rising level of success. It is possible to suggest that as he became more successful in his stand up act, booking larger venues and late night talk show appearances, this success would translate into attracting (and gaining the confidence to talk with) better looking women.
2. As a producer on one of the funniest sitcoms of all time, he could cast whomever he wanted. Vanity trumps realism.

Regardless of the reason, it's at least plausible that Jerry could score with model-level women. The same can't be said for George Costanza. Forget the fact that he didn't define the classical definition of handsome; that's almost irrelevant. What you can hold against him is that as the show went on, he only became shallower, more self-centered and despicable; traits no woman wants to see in a potential suitor.

I'm not here to delve into the psychological reasons of how attractive women could be attracted to such a callous, selfish human being. That would be sexist, and ultimately meaningless. I'd much rather sit here and rank the ladies George dated, and give you his top ten lady friends from the show! On the flip side, we'll take a look...





#10 The Housekeeper (Lanei Chapman)


Episode: The Old Man
Season 4

"I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body." With that one glorious line, we get a peak into George's disturbing mind. That it came true at the end of this episode only makes her more attractive. While it's doubtful these two stayed together much longer after the rubdown (no way George could handle a amazonian Jamaican model), there's something to be said for fulfilling a fantasy. For that alone, she makes the top 10.

#9 (Nina) Charlotte Lewis


Episode: "The Switch"
Season 6

She was a model George. A model. And you didn't even need a picture of "Man Hands" to get her. So what if she liked to throw up a little? She was a model!

#8 Nancy (Marla Sucharetza)


Episode: "The Fusilli Jerry"
Season 6

Had he only been able to memorize "the move," George might still be performing unbelievably in bed with Nancy. Instead, he "cheated" by writing it down on his hand, and though completely satisfied by George's sexual prowess, she was still creeped out enough to throw him out of bed.


#7 Paula (Christa Miller)


Episode: "The Doodle"
Season 6

George couldn't overlook her quirk of sucking on the pit of a peach he just ate, so tossed Paula off to the side, even when she told him she wouldn't mind if he "draped himself in velvet." George can only blame himself when he ponders why women don't go out with him; he always seems to be finding faults with the ones that put up with him!

#6 (Mary Anne) Rena Sofer


Episode: "The Muffin Tops"
Season 8

Mary Anne took pity on George, mistaking him for a tourist coming to see the Big Apple. Easy on the eyes, with a big heart, the relationship was doomed once she realized George was a boob regardless of where he was from.

#5 (Vivian) Kellie Waymire


Episode: "The Blood"
Season 9

Quite possibly the one woman most like George, we never do find out what happens with their relationship, if you can call it that. But since she enjoyed television and cured meats during sex, I'm guessing they went at it pretty hot and heavy for awhile, before she turned it up in the bedroom with something really kinky that turned George off. Sadly, Kellie Waymire passed away in 2003.

#4 (Nina) Justine Miceli


Episode: "The Betrayal"
Season 9

You could make the case that Nina represented both Jerry and Elaine in teh bedroom for George - the two people he most wanted to sleep with. Jerry, because they were such good friends (too compatible to sleep together, he had said), and Elaine, because Jerry mentioned how if the group ever lost her Nina could fit right in without missing a step. And if you want to get all Freud with the show, George most likely wanted to sleep with both Jerry and Elaine, so dating Nina was the next best thing. It didn't hurt that she was also attractive. And that's way too much thought put into a half-hour television show.

#3 Heather (Kymberly Kalil)


Episode: "The Chicken Roaster"
Season 8

He stuck in her head, but in the end it simply wouldn't work out. At first, disgusted by his behavior on their one date, Heather quickly made an excuse to get rid of him. But apparently she couldn't get him out of her head and called him back. Unfortunately, George's neuroses and a terrible deli order did him in, and Heather came back to her senses. (Unrelated: I defy anyone to find a picture of Ms. Kalil without William Finchter in the shot.)

#2 Jane (Melora Walters)


Episode: The Hamptons
Season 5

Don't recognize her? Maybe this pic will help:


Before she caught wind of George's "issue," Jane gave George a true beauty to walk around. First, she casually sunbathed topless; second she agreed to travel to the Hamptons with George. So not only did she have a bit of a wild side, she also was ready to party with a short balding gentlemen. Plus, she apparently knew what she liked when it came to men. Too bad for chilly waters!

#1 (Herself)Marisa Tomei


Episode: "The Cadillac"
Season 7

Seriously, who else could it be? Susan? Let me count the reasons it wouldn't be her:

• She dabbled in lesbianism after leaving George, but it didn't take.
• She took his dry cleaning money.
• She laughed at "Seven."
• She made him sleep with his mother in doll form.
• And so on...

She did nothing for George, and frequently belittled him. No, Susan was never good for George. Ms. Tomei on the other hand.... But even with her bizarre infatuation with short, fat, bald, funny men, George still ruined it.

So there you have it. Agree? Disagree? Have a solo picture of Ms. Kalil? Let me know in the comments!

Battle of the Network Stars - May 1978

If one were to believe Battle of the Network Stars ever jumped the shark (and I want to make it painfully clear that I don't believe that in any way; sure I might be disappointed with some of the directions they chose to go during the years, but I understand a format for a show like this can't be set in stone) one could argue that it happened when some idiot decided not to do everything possible to get Telly Savalas back.

The repercussions of this decision are twofold. The viewer missed out on subtle, biting commentary, and also got stuck with his replacement, Suzanne Somers. Nothing against Somers; she's easy on the eyes and does a serviceable, if vanilla job. Had she been cast as a color commentator at the beginning of the BotNS run, there obviously would not have been a high water mark to compare her to. But because Savalas left his mark both competing and providing color commentary, we are left only with "what ifs."

And those what ifs hurt this battle.

Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do. We must live with the banality that is Suzanne Somers, and devote more of our our attention toward the competition. As always, it enthralls and infuriates; makes us laugh and makes us question many actors' athleticism. It's the Battle of the Network Stars May 1978, and the formula hasn't changed a bit...



Let's meet the competitors:

Team ABC

Gabe Kaplan (captain)
Debbie Boone
Daryl Dragon (better known as "The Captain")
Kene Holliday
Parker Stevenson ("The Ivy League Hustler" as Cosell refers to him)
Toni Tenille
Cheryl Tiegs
Steve Landesberg

Team CBS

Tony Randall (captain)
Kevin Dobson (like a pimply-faced college frosh being passed a bowl packed with Acapulco Gold for the first time in his life, this is a new Kevin Dobson stepping onto the field of competition for CBS)
Denise Nicholas
MacKenzie Phillips
Victoria Principal
Bo Svenson
Jimmie Walker

Team NBC

Richard Benjamin (captain)
Rhonda Bates
Jane Curtin (playing the role of Loretta Swit)
Dennis Dugan
Melissa Gilbert
Arte Johnson
Lance Kerwin
James MacArthur
Larry Wilcox

At first glance it looks like an underwhelming bunch. Repeated glances don't help. I mean I had to look up Richard Benjamin, and I still don't know who he is (ok, yes I recognized him from Saturday the 14th, but I'm not sure who else would). And he's a captain? Anyone think NBC might be phoning this one in? Aside from Kaplan, Stevenson (probably there to score Hollywood ass), Randall and Jimmie Walker, the personalities stayed away from the Pepperdine campus this year. Somewhere Robert Conrad punches a wall not knowing why he's so angry (well, angrier than usual).

And the addition of Randall is a subtle slap in the face of all Savalas fans. I apologize for continuing to harp on this, but it's obvious Randall's involvement is the producers' way of trying to replace the Savalas wit everyone has come to enjoy. I like Randall as much as the next guy, and appreciate his tireless work in the role of Felix Unger, but he doesn't carry the same panache as Savalas.

Part of me hopes he gave the producers a list of demands to appear on the show, and that there was a crazy argument about him needing to be captain or he wouldn't do it. Could you imagine that conversation? Or the conversation between the producers and Jimmie Walker, stripping him of the C? Ok, I might be reading a little too much into this right now.

Enough - let's get on to the competition...

Event #1 - Swimming

Right off the bat, it's easy to see the fix is in. Bo Svenson clearly false starts, hitting the water before the other teams are introduced. The Captain does pull a cagey move in the pool though(strange he went with the nickname Captain, when the grand slam choice is sitting right there. "The Dragon and Tenille?" That's not a 70s soft rock act - that's a decade defining supergroup that sells out arenas) after losing his hat in the water. Somehow he knew he would most likely lose his hat during the race, so he had Tenille at the other end of the pool ready with a replacement as soon as he got out of the water. There couldn't have been more than 2 seconds of hatless Captain. I can't tell if it was for schtick or vanity.

CBS wins in a snoozer.

Results after swimming:

CBS - 100
ABC - 75
NBC - 50

Event #2 - Rowing

It's simple...if you have a former Ivy League crewman on your team, you're going to have a stranglehold on this event. ABC wins the race before it begins. CBS doesn't help itself by putting Jane Curtin in a boat for this race. I would be willing to bet the only reason she's there is she needed some extra coin that month.

At the end of the race Randall makes some half-assed protest (poorly echoing some of Savalas' earlier, shrewder tactics) and uses a bunch of big words posturing a bit for the cameras, enough for the commissioner of the competition, Mickey King an Olympic diver - allegedly) comes out and assesses no penalties. Of course not.

So after the rowing...

ABC - 100
NBC - 75
CBS - 50

Event #3 - Frisbee

A new event to BotNS, the game is played with teams of two facing each other and throwing the frisbee back and forth. 2 points are rewarded per catch; 1 point is rewarded to the opposing team for a miss. And reading that description was more exciting than watching it. Because of that, we get a slow motion montage as a Cosell voiceover gives us the results. Included in the montage is a nice slow motion shot of Bo Svenson trying - and failing - to catch a frisbee with his teeth.

Frisbee results:

CBS - 100
ABC - 75
NBC - 50

Event #4 - Obstacle Course

Making up for the poor frisbee event, the producers give us an early heat of Cheryl Tiegs vs. Victoria Principal, and I'm going to call it the most attractive matchup in BotNS history (at least so far). It's almost enough of a distraction to make me miss hearing Cosell mention that Bo Svenson hurt his shoulder in the frisbee event. Almost. Strangely we get no slow motion of that, which leads me to believe, "hurting himself in the frisbee event," is code for "hitting on Pepperdine coeds on the other side of campus."

It didn't however, distract me from hearing Cosell use the phrase "Oh Good lord, how terrible" to describe Rhonda Bates effort going through the course. Bates, a tall, lanky woman who apparently was on a television show in the 70s loses to Melissa Gilbert.

But nothing beats the Larry Wilcox/Kevin Dobson race, where Wilcox, forgetting that Dobson has the determination of a pitbull on crystal meth, eases up right before the end to give the Kojak star a chance to fully layout at the tape in an attempt to steal victory. Looking at the photo finish , I'm still not sure it showed conclusive evidence of Wilcox winning the race, but I'm sure Micky King was right on top of things.

But don't let him be the judge. Take a look for yourself...



Women's final heat gave us Melissa Gilbert vs. Victoria Principal. Gilbert wins easily. The mens' heat has Lance Kerwin vs. Kevin Dobson, which doesn't make sense to me, since Wilcox beat him...unless Micky King made a mistake and tried to correct it. It's never made clear. I don't care though because I'm fully enjoying the Kevin Dobson era.

Unfortunately, his terminatoresque drive betrays him at the wall, where he awkwardly slams into the wall at full force, tangling himself up in the ropes, giving Kerwin an easy win. Something tells me that lapse will not sit well with Dobson, and he'll come back strong...

Obstacle Course results:

NBC - 100
CBS - 75
ABC - 50

After 4 events, CBS holds a 25 point lead over ABC, with the Conradless NBC somehow stumbling into 275 points.

Event #5 - Running

Much like the rowing, ABC dominates the running. Except where a ringer gives ABC the edge in the water, Kaplan's guile and craftiness lead the charge on the oval.

This race is no different.

Kaplan sets his runners up perfectly, matching his strengths up against the other teams' weaknesses. Even when Jimmie Walker gives CBS a large early lead, ABC chips away. The competition's biggest moment is when Parker Stevenson, in the middle of his lap, turns his ankle yet still holds his lead.

It also doesn't hurt that Kenne Holliday, running anchor for ABC looks as though he would be comfortable chasing down Usain Bolt. I'd also like to openly question CBS' decision to have Arte Johnson participate, who, up to this point had been doing nothing but cutting "humorous" segments in the pool. He must have seen Billy Crystal's reel from battles' past and wanted to copy his success.

Running results:

ABC - 100
CBS - 75
NBC - 50

Simon Sez

I realize that many people loved the Simon Sez competitions, fondly remembering the hijinks "master Simon Sez guy" Len Goldstein from some resort in the Catskills would get the celebrities into. If only the memories were as good as the actual event. Labeled "non-competitive," the only thing the Simon Sez game was good for was to see how creeped out Cheryl Tiegs was when Arte Johnson (definitely not creeped out) fell onto her.


Event #6 - Football

Again, I question the strategies of the teams, namely CBS' decision to use Tony Randall in the football event. That seems like an idea Dobson would squash immediately. In fact, I would have loved to have been there when Randall told Dobson he wanted to play football. Even the new Dobson had to have a moment of murderous rage pass through his head before collecting himself and giving the thumbs up, and heading back to the players' lounge to hastily come up with a new gameplan. Serious as a heart attack, we later see Dobson giving teammates some last minute pointers; his teammates too afraid to do anything else but nod along. This is the Kevin Dobson I'm used to!

During one of the matches, Cosell utters the phrase "Good defensive play by Toni Tenille!" and promptly sets himself on fire. Or at least wishes he could light himself on fire. CBS is given a lot of camera time in this event, which leads me to believe they will win the whole shebang. First, we're given highlights of Dobson throwing strikes to his receivers; later on we see him hauling in hail marys from James MacArthur. While not quite a Jordan-like performance, it is impressive. Let's say it's Dana Barrosesque - when Dana Barros played for the Sixers in the late 90s with a bunch of guys that also cleaned the arena after the dozens of fans left. It's at this point that I fully believe Dobson has continued acting primarily to compete in these Battles.

Total scores after Football:

CBS - 500
ABC - 475
NBC - 375

Event #7 - Tug o' War?

It's possible my bootleg DVD copy skipped over some events (what - no dunk tank?) but I don't think so. The Tug o' War certainly snuck up on everyone in this broadcast. I thought the Cheryl Tiegs profile midway through the show seemed like longer-than-normal filler, but I didn't fully put it all together until this point. Regardless, CBS and ABC are facing off in the tug o' war. Kevin "Karl Malone" Dobson is licking his chops looking over at the scrawny ABC lineup for this event, realizing he can finally get his ring. Here are the teams:

ABC

Landesberg (the guy from Barney Miller; not this guy; this guy)
The Captain
Holliday
Stevenson
Kaplan (the anchor)

CBS

MacArthur
Randall
Walker
Svenson
Dobson

Alright, so maybe Randall and Walker aren't helping much here, but Svenson is a big boy and Dobson is closer to victory than ever before. He's not letting his team lose. Those two alone beat any lineup ABC throws at them.

Somers shows her bias by siding with the scrawny ABC team, while all the smart money squarely resides on CBS. It doesn't hurt that apparently everyone on CBS is wearing football cleats for the event. For whatever reason, Lynn Swann, the referee (Mickey King had a diving meet?) allows it.

I think it takes CBS 90 seconds to get their flag across the water, and that even seemed a little long. Kaplan, humble as always walks over to Svenson (hey he knows who tipped the scales) and tells him the deserving team won. If I were Carter (Jimmy not Linda - lord knows what she offered Kaplan back when she was on the team), I would have immediately offered the Secretary of State position to him after watching that. Oh well, there's a reason he was only a one-termer.

And so ends the 4th Battle of the Network Stars. Dobson got zen on us (or at least just grew a beard), got the monkey off his back, and carried CBS to victory. Randall might have been the captain on paper, but Dobson was the captain in all their hearts. I feel good for him, and feel good for his Kojak cast...I can only assume the set became a little looser after May of 1978. Congratulations Kevin Dobson and the CBS team!

Fall Television Preview - Raising the Bar

TNT has been in the business of making series for awhile now, and I have yet to find one I enjoy. Now, I haven't seen Saving Grace, so I'm not saying I'm being completely fair, but The Closer and Now Raising the Bar have yet to capture my attention beyond a show or two. Back in the days of three networks that wouldn't be a problem; shows could stink for entire seasons before hitting their groove and still find an audience, because there were only 2 other options, or UHF (not the movie), which really had limited options aside from the occasional pirated transmission. These days, shows don't have that luxury. If you aren't good in the first 30 seconds, I'm switching to one of my nine hundred other entertainment options - including the old pirated transmissions I missed during the three network era.

Raising the Bar did not give me a good first 30 seconds. In fact, it didn't give me a good 30 seconds at any given point during the show...



Following a group of lawyers who (and I'm speculating here, the show wasn't entirely clear) graduated in the same class, Raising the Bar gives us the stereotypes right away. The ambitious prosecutor who thinks she's ready for the big case; the passionate defense attorney who fights for his clients and gets thrown in jail for perjury after sass talking judges and grandstanding; the hard nosed judge who takes no guff; the district attorney who cares more about convictions than justice; and so on. Honestly, after watching for a bit I thought this was going to pay off in a huge satirical way at the end, but I was wrong.

Law shows on television aren't rare and new. They've been done before, and they've been done well before. So it's disappointing to see such a generic, cliched approach, especially from a producer (Steven Bochco) that should know better.

Unfortunately, it seems that a significant portion of the viewing audience disagrees with me, since it received decent ratings, and has been renewed for a second season already. Which is fine - I hope they can mold it and make it into a better series. But I'm not going to hold my breath.

For your enjoyment, a peek at what you're missing (if you're not watching):