Friday, October 30, 2009

The Best Tweets of the Week 10/23 - 10/30

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

  • I skew toward the amusing
  • I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
  • @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
  • I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
  • Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...

hotdogsladies Talk about a left-handed compliment. "Great news, Dr. Hodgkins! We've made you a treatable cancer!"

Ryan_Duncan The world would be a better place if you would JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, MOM! Can you cut my sandwich diagonally, please?

davio1962 If there's anything that tastes better than a Fuji apple, I haven't found it on the floor under this desk.

Dianneamus OH: "Dude, you have to see this chick. Her tits have their own zip code!"

hotdogsladies Remember, gang. There's no "I" in "confusion." Now, let's be careful out there.

Caissie The Skin of Your Neighbor Who You've Pretended to Help Search For #badhalloweencostumes

slag_mag Obama's release official portrait, Cheney blasts Sasha and Malia for "telegraphing weakness to Al-Qaida."

Jim_Hamilton Most of my friends are in Washington D.C. right now. There is a very good chance Lincoln's statue will be fellated.

gunthergreen I just rented "Valkyrie". I would much rather watch a movie where Hitler plots to kill Tom Cruise.

debenham Experiencing some tummy troubles, and my wife suggested I consume MORE vegetables! It's chilling to know the face of your killer.

Caissie I made my 10y.o. son friend me on his heretofore secret Facebook account. Now I know he's single & interested in networking.

CranberryPerson I have been pretty appathetic about spelling since I realized you can't spell appathy without h-a-p-p-y.

CourtneyReimer Wendy's will be soon tracking your mentions of bacon. Lucky for their statisticians they're not tracking "figuring out this Twitter thing."

knitterplease What I just did to that brownie is totally illegal in at least six states.

WadetoBlack Co-worker was just dumped by boyfriend and is crying, but I need to get past her to go pee. I wish Dora was here to help me find a shortcut.

ajonathancox My cat loves nothing more than q-tips and hiding in cupboards. Two more things we have in common, cat.

trixieboots Woke up with a nosebleed and I'm out of half-and-half. I'm pretty sure that second one is a harbinger of the apocalypse all by itself.

JephKelley Boss: "I got rear-ended last night." Me: "Hard? You OK?" B: "Totaled the other car." M: "Oh, oh, like a wreck." B: "..." My boss loves me.

WadetoBlack Oh hello there, 12pm lunch time conference call. Me not love you long time. Me so ornery.

thebenbrooks Yes, Thomas IS a helpful little tank engine. He just helped my wife and I enjoy 6 1/2 minutes of uninterrupted bliss.

bumpcrud Don't know if I can make it at this job another week and a half. I'm looking into the lucrative world of sidewalk bucket drumming.

FussySaffa Some stores r infused with a bakery smell 2 subconsciously entice u 2 buy bread.My local shop must be encouraging patrons to buy toiletpaper

hotdogsladies On the day Curious George finally puts it all together, The Man with the Yellow Hat's gonna wake up to a face full of angry fucking monkey.

artichoked The pharmacy hooked me up with pills and a free cupcake. Why yes, a spoonful of sugar does help the medicine go down.

TerryBain A woman just walked past my house with a helium balloon. Now I have to hate her for not stopping to give me that balloon. Stupid woman.

Rayke "I voted for Obama!" is the new "I have lots of black friends!".

davio1962 Surprised my opponent with made-up technique. Call it "Pseudo-Judo". Also call it "ineffective against legitimate martial arts moves".

westoflondon I like my tobacco like I like my women. Moist and behind the garage when the wife's not looking.

iamnotdiddy Just updated my resume with a "Strengths & Weaknesses" section. Strengths: Creative, sexy & telling people they are stupid. Weaknesses: N/A

diplo I was gonna rob this lil caesers pizza during the blackout but they already got this 8 pizzas for 5 dollars deal so im like fuck it

VaginaDrum My wardrobe is threefold: Things I wear during sex, Things I wear to have more sex and most importantly, 'I don't give a shit.'

therealcherilyn my 16 year old tells me she's on birth control. this marks the 4th time in my life that i've crapped my pants. the other times were for fun.

adamisacson In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man gets bumped into a lot. His lack of depth perception doesn't help.

Rayke If you stood Mickey Rourke and I next to each other, we'd look like the "before" and "after" picture on a crystal meth commercial.

FriedWords I bet if Hitler could've grown a goatee, he would've just been another angry barista rolling his eyes at my hot chocolate order.

JephKelley Violence is horrible. But if it's going to happen anyway, I wish more of it involved crossbows or those flail things with the spikey ball.

unsupervised All my sports news comes from people who were hoping to have a conversation with me.

MrBigFists I bet "I'm gonna eat my lumps, my lumps, my mushy Quaker lumps." never gets tired at the Fergie breakfast table.

cleapow Either there is a family of pigeons that live outside my window or my new neighbors have some really freaky sex.

cleapow I got my ipod back from Apple and it was sticky. I get you techs are lonely, but come on, I'll buy you some porn. Without computers in it.

ajonathancox Ninja Fact: Not a lot of people know that Ninjas are trained in the ancient art of 'doin it'. Me Fact: Allegedly, I'm an adult.

Trick_or_tweet Me: "I'm drawing Limbaugh on my boob for Halloween because he is one." Him: "You're nuts." Me: "So…can I draw me on your junk?"

Jim_Hamilton Some people do the dishes. Some people eat with a melon baller. You may not agree with my life, but you didn't just invent pancake balls.

DirtyGert No shit, the chair next to the space heater here just started smoking. I was 2 minutes away from being in a peter sellers movie.

navanax This new list feature is great. Please let me know if I have you properly listed under either 'jailbait' or 'yummy mummy'.

hotdogsladies The closest female equivalent to calling a guy "a pussy" is probably, "I LOVE how much you're like 'Cathy!'"

thebenbrooks I wanted to get a mammogram until I learned it's NOT a lady showing up at my house with a message written on her breasts.

artichoked "What else would you call them, other than Manfuck Steamshitter? We had this conversation several Christmases ago."

michaelianblack Performing at a synagogue tonight. Reminder: keep "Nazis weren't so bad" thoughts to self.

FriedWords My son's writing a ghost story & asked me what's scary. So I took off my shirt and said, "Look at it! LOOK AT IT! This'll be you one day!"

RexHuppke Cops investigating crimes against sexy women - Law & Order: Special Vixens Unit. Think about it, NBC. Think about it.

GSouder No one makes Thursday jokes because Thursdays are the Mario Lopez of the week. Maybe Thursday needs an irrelevant talk show.

WadetoBlack For the 1st time ever, I forgot to put hair gel in to go to work; and it's a no shave day. I'm a Stage 1 Kaczynski. Twitter is my manifesto.

FriedaClub Listening to IT guy explain GoogleWave gives me a better understanding of the look on my Golden Retriever's face as he watches me masturbate

CranberryPerson My wife had to ask if I would enjoy hot dogs for dinner. I am glad that after 12 years, she still finds me a little bit mysterious.

morgan_murphy I don't have a halloween costume, so I'm going to go to a party where nobody knows me and tell them I'm actually an Asian guy named Stu.

supmister Is it possible to have 298 middle-names? I'm asking for this 2500 word paper that won't write itself.

Aimee_B_Loved Dressing a toddler as Mel Gibson seems obvious. They already walk like they're drunk and gibber anti-Semitic remarks.

DogSolitude I'm pretty fuckin' sure that I don't want to live in a world where Al Roker dresses up as Han Solo ...

sherriva If texting while driving is more dangerous than drunk driving, then driving drunk while texting must be safe. Kind of like e = mc2.

Links of Interest 10/30

Philly fans go soft.

Chris Farley is dead. Apparently DIRECTV doesn’t care.

Interview with Alfred Molina. You’ll know him when you see him.

Check out this list the next time you’re facing a monster and see what you’re up against.

So we averted crisis how, exactly?

A third trailer for Shutter Island? One more and I’m pretty sure I will have seen the whole movie. Go here to read my writeup after the second one came out.

I’m having a hard time classifying this as a tree house. It’s like 6 feet off the ground! My definition of a treehouse has to include a ladder, the option of a rope to climb into it, and a trapdoor in the bottom to scare all the girls should they try to take over inside.

We’ve seen lists of scary movies. Now how about unscary movies that are supposed to be scary?

I haven’t seen Paranormal Activity. I’d like to but I keep hearing mixed reviews. Of course, that’s probably the inevitable backlash every hyped movie receives. I do wonder if it’s little more than a really good episode of Ghost Hunters. Anyway, with the scuttlebutt of its producers already receiving a green light for a sequel, here’s a list of movies that are perhaps more deserving of a sequel.

I hope it isn’t too surprising to learn drug companies are corrupt.

Early celebrations that maybe shouldn’t have been started.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Links of Interest 10/29

Man, sometimes that Twitter can get you in trouble.

Now this is a monastery.

Rooting for the bad guy in the movies is not the same in real life.

Remembering the awesomeness of MTV’s Rock and Jock.

A new way to search for music on Google.

Remember It may be dead, but there are other sites out there ready to replace it.

Music videos - maybe not a dead art form just yet.

The questions maybe no one will ever be able to answer. (via kottke)

Another list of television shows that may or may not survive the year.

Ever wonder what Martin Scorsese believes are the scariest movies of all time? (via popcandy)

Anyone else feel this might be cool? I assume after 3 days I would quickly change my mind, but still.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Phillies vs. Yankees. The 2009 World Series.

Being a sports fan in Philadelphia used to be easy. You complained about the dearth of championships in the last 25 years; management; and having to watch the losingest professional sports team in United States history (I don’t have numbers for international professional sports teams, so I don’t want to misspeak).

National writers (and writers from other cities that don’t know better) stumble over themselves trying to paint an ugly picture of us, dredging up incidents such as battery throwing, Santa booing, and injured Michael Irvin jeering to paint the Philadelphia fans as boorish, classless and stupid. Never mind the fact that every city with a sports team has similar isolated incidents that cast fans in a negative light; to bring that up would remove an arrow from their tired joke quiver.

And while Philadelphia fans complain about the label, we also seem to take a strange pride in the perceived meanness. Nothing could show that off better than when Ernie Johnson, a vanilla announcer from TNT/TBS introduced the NLCS MVP at Citizens Bank Ballpark last week, to a chorus of boos. Remember, this was roughly 4 minutes after the Phillies clinched to go to the World Series.

But before 2008, we lived the boos, took pride in the boos, relished in the boos, because it was an identity, and because there was truly a reason to boo. We were starved for a championship, desperate to feel like other cities; jealous of the juggernauts in Boston, who until the new century, felt like a brother in arms. Both cities lived in the shadow of New York, and both cities had a long drought of championships. That they reversed that trend with both the Patriots and Red Sox put us further out on an island, and left us holding the torch of lame and losing.

Last year, every game had an undercurrent of nervousness and dread. The fan base, while excited and having faith, also knew about the city and its teams’ histories, and weren’t quite sure how to act. When Bud Selig suspended game 5 last year after shortchanging the Phillies (read why here) doubt crept into all of our minds. The “here we go again” played in our heads; the “just one more bizarre way for Philadelphia fans to feel disappointment” was on all of our lips.

But then the Phillies won.

And now we're here again, and we know what it’s like to see a team go all the way and claim it for themselves and a fan base that channeled all of their energy into an amazing run through the playoffs. We know what it’s like to now have a team that can call themselves the best, above all else. And it feels good. The 2008 Phillies made waiting so long for a championship that much sweeter. And that they have a chance to do it again, one year later, is just as sweet.

It starts tonight. And a sign recently held in Citizens Bank Ballpark sums up what the Phillies’ fans are thinking now:

2008 was Destiny.
2009 is the Dynasty.

The 25 year drought is no longer hanging over anyone’s heads. The Phils proved they could do it already. They’re the defending champs. The stars have lined up so far this year.

And yet, the team is still an underdog. Of the 23 ESPN baseball analysts, 21 chose the Yankees to win. I’m not sure if that’s because of some weird New York bias or what and I don’t care. I don’t think the Phillies care. I don’t think in the past two years they have been the majority favorite for any playoff series (possibly the Brewers, but still…it’s the Brewers.)

I refuse to make a prediction for the series, because I am too emotionally involved and irrationally believe my actions could quite possibly jinx the team in some way.

I guess you could say, even though they won last year to break the streak, there’s still some old school Philly fan in me.

Links of Interest 10/28

Fly-Lapse from Anthony Powell on Vimeo.

Interview with Lars Von Trier.

It’s Halloween, so you know Elvira is out and about.

The big enemies of net neutrality.

It’s my theory that we have so many tasing videos because trigger happy cops no longer have to go through the means of hiding and disposing a body after they shoot it now; a taser is relatively harmless. Without that fear, that taser is going to come out as soon as someone looks at them the wrong way.

The curious case of the 1984 movie, Money Hunt. I’d never heard of this before, but it sounds fun! Except for the possible scam at the end.

Quite possibly a little late for Halloween, but seriously, don’t we have uses for a charred corpse all year long? No? Just me? Carry on then.

Cool imagery from Antarctica based on the sun’s return to the Cold Continent. (Has it been labeled that, because if not I hope it catches on and I can cash in on it.)

Now sharks have to watch out for sharks. Also, completely unrelated, apparently there are only beautiful women in Australia.

If you woke up today with the desire to read how Fight Club is really about a grown up Calvin and Hobbes well…

Learn more about daylight savings time.

Australia's got a camel problem.

How would you like to be Omar bin Laden – son of Osama? On the one hand, you’ve got the same name as the awesomest character on The Wire. On the other, your dad is kinda an evil dude.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Links of Interest 10/27

The fight for “clean coal.”

Arrogance on tv
. Why are they popular? Because some people like it, and some people don’t, and neither group turns it off.

Chuck Klosterman has a new book coming out. So he’ll be making the rounds

Could Paranormal Activity kill the Saw franchise?

Diving into what made The Twilight Zone so good – the endings.

Tired of the same old way to search youtube for related videos? Check this feature out.

Looking at how Kubrick’s editing made The Shining that much scarier.

Scary ghost movies.

One day our society will realize the genius of Maury Povich, and give him the credit he deserves.

A female writer writes about working for David Letterman.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Best Tweets of the Week 10/16 - 10/23

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

  • I skew toward the amusing
  • I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
  • @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
  • I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
  • Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...

bumpcrud Most exciting part of my work day is the crucial seconds before finishing the burrito butt, where you aren't sure if the fold will hold.

Xytrex In retrospect quoting Kurt Russell to the officer that pulled me over was a bad idea. Apparently he's never seen Big Trouble In Little China

VaginaDrum Have an interview at 1. I'm ready over an hour early. I guess changing into a shirt without pizza stains doesn't take as long as I thought.

PFTompkins By now I should have abs of steel considering the full-body convulsions I experience trying to Sonicare my back teeth.

davio1962 Time to decorate the house for Halloween. Which for us means spruce it up in order to reduce the overall effect to merely "creepy".

sbaicker Pajamas + wine + Phillies is the only kind of math I'll even consider today.

therealcherilyn FYI...the shamwow works great as a diaper. been pissin' my pants all day. it doesn't work quite as well for poop.

Aimee_B_Loved Everything looks ominous when you use a bowl of Cheerios for fortune-telling.

JezebelTheGreat Hi, new followers! I love red meat, foul language, obscure humor and the Deftones. I hate cats and the Yankees. I'm pretty fucking magical.

RexHuppke Between the 5-year-old, the 2-year-old and me, the level of scatological humor around here must violate EPA regulations.

mrdavehill Listen up- if Dio tells you to lock up the wolves, you better find yourself some damn wolves and lock them up posthaste!

Jim_Hamilton The words "instant classic" get thrown around a lot, but if you had heard my last fart...

davio1962 Who me? Just testing out my new invention for keeping perfectly dry in a torrential rainstorm. I call it, "my house".

stretta My daughter now has a tiara for special occasions as well as an 'everyday' tiara. I'm projecting this into the future and am terrified.

trixieboots How to make eggs edible: add cream, cheese, bacon, avocado, and gobs of butter. This recipe also works for cardboard, tree bark, and socks.

PFTompkins Thought I saw veteran character actor Bob Dishy at the gym. I was mistaken. It was merely one of Hollywood's countless Bob Dishygängers.

RexHuppke "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Please, officer. My family and I have been at a pumpkin farm. Of course I've been drinking."

FartSandwich Turns out making French Onion soup from scratch makes you smell like that one stinky kid in your third grade class. But on purpose.

derek_huff So when do you think Dora and Diego will just cut the bullshit and fuck?

gunthergreen I ate bacon, eggs, turkey, chicken and steak today. A pack of wolves doesn't eat that many animals in a day.

tj Two weeks remaining for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. A reminder that free breast exams are available 24/7. You've got a web cam, right?

jdickerson Based on the message we just listened to James Earl Jones is coming to take a look at our washer tomorrow.

JephKelley If Art came home from work all sweaty and needed to take a shower, do you think his wife would tell him he smelled Garfunky?

Jim_Hamilton There is no chance that this man waiting with flowers at the international arrivals of LAX isn't greeting his mail-order bride.

xrayedman As Jim grabbed the dog and locked him in the closet, Fido cursed the gods that he lacked opposable thumbs

jorshuwah master splinter living with the teenage mutant ninja turtles is a prime example of how far the traditional nuclear family has been eroded.

muchty If this were the job of my dreams, there would be more talking gorillas.

Ryan_Duncan The hardest part of being a professional wrestler must be trying out new moves on the homeless, having it go wrong and then burying the body

yokoono Imagine tying balloons to the roof of every building in the city. Let the balloons wave to the breeze. See if buildings are lighter for it.

WadetoBlack Someone just used the term "O Ten" to describe 2010. Is that what we're going with? Did I miss the memo? You guys always forget about me!

davio1962 Ho Lee Traditional Chinese Restaurants, Batman!

VaginaDrum Email from Zappos: 'Get Spooky Styles and FREE-ky Shipping!' I didn't know 'Take Your Lonely and Pun Obsessed Friend to Work Day' was today.

Xytrex Sir, the way you're eating that banana tells me everything I need to know about you.

Tymethief No water pressure in the building = no functional toilets. We're supposed to go to Wal-Mart next door. Coffee cup is probably more sanitary

blaine23 We let our toddler watch Yo Gabba Gabba. I'm pretty sure this is going to be mentioned during her episode of Intervention in 15 years or so.


amynicole21 Yellow OR brown, just flush it down. No one wants to deal with your hippie shit.

FriedWords "Dad, where does God live?" "God lives inside each of us, son. Like a magic tapeworm slowly devouring our souls... Welp, goodnight."

Aimee_B_Loved I kind of want to punch Nancy Grace in the head. Without that "kind of" part.

diplo wuttup LA?

Tony_D I figure my "Dr. Manhattan" Halloween costume will cost me $105. That's $5 for blue spraypaint, and $100 to pay the indecent exposure fine.

WadetoBlack A guy is here changing all the fluorescent light bulbs. There's dozens. It's taking every ounce of energy not to start a light saber fight.

WadetoBlack On thys dy in 1977, Lynyrd Skynyrd's plyne cryshed, kyllyng 4 pyple.

genegeorge Man, from what I've seen on YouTube that Hitler guy sure is touchy about a lot of subjects.

stretta Twitter feels like it is one roll of duct tape away from explosive catastrophe and we'll all be covered in passive-aggressive shrapnel.

hotdogsladies Promote your event on my Facebook? Why of course! Shall I also put you on LinkedIn, MySpace, Foursquare and all that other shit I don't use?

FriedaClub Drawing the ire of my coworkers for whistling in my cubicle. Oh, and not wearing pants. And the badger. Mostly the badger.

annoyingworld I've never blindfolded anyone for a surprise b-day.I have however cut off their pinkie and mailed it to their loves ones for their birthday.

NotGiamatti I can not imagine a situation or context in which I would oblige someone who says "hey, smell this!"

slapclap Just changed my ring tone to a Swedish woman giving birth prematurely in 1978. Part of the Ingmar Bergman (dot) com site relaunch.

xrayedman Look people I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.

paulscheer Mayor McCheese is an elitist. How can he rule over a town full of people that eats burgers when he himself is a Burger! Stop Burger Genocide

GooseHonk If you a person who spells it "magick" I'm going to go ahead and assume there are at least 2 velvet capes tucked away in your closet.

FriedWords Man, this piñata was a big disappointment. That animal shelter better give me a refund.

reverendross I didn't need to see what's under your kilt, bartender. And that's no way to stir a drink. Yes of course I still want it.

thebenbrooks New rule: any creature with scorpion in its name: bad. Anything with bunny: good. See? Playboy Bunny: good. Playboy Scorpion: bad.

WadetoBlack Our building's tenant appreciation breakfast only had bagels; no donuts or muffins. Cue sad Hulk music as I walked back to the elevator.

isplotchy "You had me at HU-k k-k-kk-ck uhhhhhh ss" #movielinesabruptlycutoffbecausethecharactergetspunchedint

WadetoBlack Discovered we still have VHS players in the conference rooms. Nice to know I have another place to bring in my wedding video & not watch it.

davio1962 Trying to fix a problem with an uncuffed sleeve while using the urinal usually results in a problem bigger than an uncuffed sleeve.

xrayedman I was asked What traits I share with the great Abraham Lincoln? All I could come up with was that our toenails are prob. identical right now

CourtneyReimer Anybody got a recipe that uses food particles stuck in a keyboard? By my estimation, I have enough to make a week's worth of lunches.

kolchak Whenever people tell me "top of the morning" it usually is a good indication that morning has hit its low point.

TheCline Favorite part of Black Eyed Peas commercial is the length they go to to hide "that really scary weird guy who dances"

VaginaDrum I get turned on when my boyfriend speaks to his grandmother in Spanish. That's a thing, right?

holaolah Phil's fans heading to Broad St....Being part of any mob is as close as you will ever come to the zombie apocalypse. Act accordingly!

debenham @isplotchy I want to play @namethatplace! Is it 29 Maple Ave in Duluth? I'm sure it is.

NotGiamatti If Seven of Nine found out she had a long lost big sister, would she change her name to Eight of Ten?

summersumz Boyfriend crashes his bike, has road rash. As I assess his wounds, my chief concern turns to what positions are still in the playbook.

FartSandwich My buddy is a cop. He told me there are even M.D.s that became cops. I suppose that makes them special doctors. Doctors of JUSTICE.

ScottAukerman My dog is nice and obedient, but if he had thumbs, things would be a LOT different around my house.

cleapow The new hire said, "I'm gonna go move my car" 30 minutes ago. Should I go search for her or just steal the purse she left in my cubicle?

Jim_Hamilton Dave Eggers' "The Wild Things" novel was originally called "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering What The Fuck."

kleigh8 No, iPhone, I did not mean "I want to kiddy your facet waved!" I have owned you over a year; how do you not know me by now?

VaginaDrum Dumbest thing I've done today? Ordered a burger with mozzarella sticks on it. Would I do it again? In one slow & unstable heartbeat, yes.

sortaconfused Ohmigod, can't find my iPhone. Now what am I supposed to do while I'm in the bathroom? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHILE I'M IN THE BATHROOM?!

michaelianblack Idea for invention: a koi pond you pee in called "The Koilet."

Rayke It's weird how we get drunk on Friday nights because it's the weekend, and then get drunk on Monday mornings because it's not the weekend.

Links of Interest 10/23

Neil Gaiman had an idea to use Twitter to write a story. Can it work?

Portion sizes for food sure have jumped up.

The experience of living in China.

Roger Ebert asks the burning question: Does anyone really want movies in 3-D these days?

Louis Farrakhan has some intriguing theories about H1N1.

Boy does that Ayn Rand sound like someone you’d love to be around.

Interview with Steven Soderbergh. (via popcandy)

The business of baseball cards.

Stripping as empowerment.

Ever wonder how museums decide to what to keep and what to get rid of?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Ancient Art of the Spit Take

Like the best oral traditions, it’s a gift handed down from one generation to the next.  I remember fondly sitting upon Grandpa’s knee while he spat prune juice into my eyes after I told him a really good knock-knock joke

After the jump find out just what the hell I’m talking about.  And find out how a few clicks of the mouse can help some impoverished cinematic auteurs put berets and cigarettes on the table.


The Contest

As I’ve written before, Goose, myself, and several other idiots are part of The Nectar of the Gods.  We work on short films to entertain ourselves, and on occasion, others.  Most of our work has been part of film challenges where you have a weekend to make a short movie.  Some of those have been quite successful, with our films won numerous awards and been screened at festivals in New York City and San Jose.

But that pales in comparison to the 4 large (i.e. $4000 American) we won recently for our efforts shilling delicious roast beef via YouTube video. Here’s what happens when you combine a taxidermied bear (obtained in a Craig’s List heist) with acting best described as “Malfunctioning Disney animatronic figure”:

And here’s a great shot of the ceremony where we were bestowed the cash.

From left: Carl T. Bear, Goose, myself, and Shane.  Not pictured: Evan, our collective boners for actually winning an oversized novelty check.


We were flush with success, hypnotized by the dollar signs in our eyes, and full to overflowing with inspiration in our loins.  So we did what any overreaching creative group would do...

We moved on to boxed wine.

The good people at Black Box Wine are running an internet video contest with the theme entitled “You Got Boxed”.  As in, “Hey asshole, you know that fancy wine you’re sipping and spitting out and praising because you’re a pretentious douchebag?  Well, it came from a box.  Now who’s the asshole?  You, that’s who.”

We took that humble seed of an idea and rained down our own twisted take on it and covered it in the dirt of genius.  Before I delve farther into the unique nature of the spit take, let’s take care of the important stuff.


Viewing and Voting

You can view our masterpiece by going HERE

To vote for it, you must first register.

You may vote once per day.  Let's use that.  Daily.

Any and all votes you can provide would be greatly appreciated.  THANKS!

And if you’re curious about following future efforts and possibly spitting on someone (on film), you can become a fan of The Nectar of the Gods on Facebook.



So we knew the spit take scenes would be funny.  But as it turned out, I wildly underestimated how much fun it would be to participate and to observe.

From the moment that  first drop of wine left the first mouth and landed on the first lapel, we were physically doubled over with laughter. 

After a while, the process crossed an imaginary line between humor and something deeper, something more cathartic.  We were being told that it was not just OK, not just encouraged, but MANDATORY, that you spit wine on close friends and strangers dressed in fancy clothes.  “Thrift-store fancy” was how I described it to our repertory company, but ridiculous fancy is still fancy.

Who knew that breaking a societal taboo we’re taught from early on could be this liberating? 

It’s possible I’m reading too much into this.  But it felt like there was something more than mere jocularity taking place.


Behind the Scenes

Here’s my favorite behind-the-scenes video where we work with some folks who are long on style and short on the ability to keep a straight face when phrases like “sexy baked potato” are thrown around.  You can find other videos here.


And here are a few of my favorite pictures.  You can see more pictures from myself, Goose, and The Baron.  You may need to be Facebook friends with the appropriate person to see them.

Links of Interest 10/22

Lars von Trier has a new movie out and it sounds juicy!

So, how is the new television season going so far?

The A.V. Club looks at slasher films.

Delicious, delicious booze you’ve probably never heard of.

The latest from Improv Everywhere. It’s amazing how they’re able to capture the crappiness of an actual musical. I mean that as a compliment! Kinda. (I’m still a little curious as to how they captured it all on video as well. The camera work almost seems to good to not be conspicuous as people are shopping.)

With flu season coming/here/ending (really I have no idea when flu season is), here are 10 myths about it.

I can barely cross two lines with an Etch-a-Sketch.

In search of Opium dens.

Seems like the best drug of all is sensory deprivation. (via kottke)

Things you may not know about The Simpsons.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Links of Interest 10/21

Interview with Willem Dafoe.

Sure, Saturday Night Live did a parody of it, but then it started to become a reality. But is there any advantage to adding blades to a razor?

Will we ever see the company Atari as truly visionary?

Buzz Bissinger, the guy who wrote Friday Night Lights (and who once accused me of stealing his jacket – long story), is not a fan of Moneyball.

A closer look at laugh tracks, by Chuck Klosterman.

Do you know why the north and south poles are different?

Asteroids, the arctic tundra and hovercrafts
. Wasn’t this the plot for Kate Beckinsale’s last movie?

Here’s something I can get behind – letting children watch the right kind of television shows.

A list of the top 13 game show hosts. I’m gonna be honest – think this list is good. Recognizes some of the people you might not immediately think of (Chuck Barris) and shies away from throwing up some current guy just to be with the times. Might move Dawson up some, but hey, who am I? (via popcandy)

I love spiral staircases. I really want to install one in my house. Probably not one of these though. Unless I can get the Jesus one. (via mental floss)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Links of Interest 10/20

Bronson Pinchot (You know, Balkie) talks about some of him movie roles.

Scary prank videos.

Another list of dangerous foods. What I’ve learned from these lists. When out in the woods, it’s not a good idea to eat that mushroom you found, or any frogs.

Though you might not think of these places first when booking a romantic getaway, they have to be better than the Poconos.

How are you going to refer to the upcoming year? Can we all make a decision and stick with it?

Are these your favorite sexy sit-com stars?

Speaking to Dave Eggers about his “Where the Wild Things Are” script.

Rolling Stone talks to Madonna.

Remember Tucker and his car for the future? Apparently there were a lot of Tuckers and future cars.

Crazy map of every space exploration project from the past 50 years.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Links of Interest 1019

Has hip hop become too old?

A profile of filmmaker James Cameron.

We are a nation of attention whores.

A list of people who play themselves as characters. As far as we know.

Interview with Yoko Ono.

A list of the 8 worst athlete videos of all time.

I can’t decide what’s better – awesome breakdancing moves or when awesome breakdancing moves go wrong.

How do those Las Vegas chefs get away with calling their seafood “fresh?”

It used to be hip to believe the assassination of JFK was a conspiracy. Then it was hip to say Oswald did it alone. No matter what though, the CIA will never be considered hip.

You might give these candies a pause before digging in.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Myotron: The Greatest Infomercial You Will Ever See

Back in the early 90s, my friends, late one night stumbled upon what they instantly dubbed "the greatest infomercial of all time" for the Myotron, a don't-call-it-a-stun-gun thing that pretty much acted like a stun gun. The infomercial, filled with testimony from experts, fantastic reenactments and a terrible wardrobe haunted them after that first viewing. And they spent the next month searching the airwaves for it, much like a meth addict searches for machines to tweak.

And then finally, they found their white whale. And taped it.

Passed around like the tape in the ring, my friends and I spent countless hours watching this 30 minutes of pure hilarity countless times. So much so that we probably destroyed the tape, as no one seems to remember what happened to it. Gone for good, we only had our memories of its brilliance. Sure, there was evidence on the web of its existence, but even with the advent of youtube, we could never find it.

Until now...

I probably searched youtube for Myotron at least once a month, since the site's inception, and yet only now has someone posted it. Now, unfortunately, this is a truncated version of the original that I remember. For some inexplicable reason, this version of the infomercial has omitted the elderly couple getting attacked by "street toughs" in an elevator, which was a high point of the original.

But it's not the highest point.

This 20+ minute opus, here broken in 3 parts simply has to be seen to believed. And that's what I'm here for, as well as to add some random observations...

Part 1

The sleeping woman seems to know this attack might be coming, since she has the Myotron under the pillow. Maybe she sleeps around with some less than wholesome men. Or maybe this is a some elaborate roleplaying she's set up with her husband, after finding out he really wasn't working late but was out caterwauling with his friends to get even. I can't tell. I do enjoy her callously walking away from the scene of the attack.

I love the Battlestar Galatica (1979 version) sound effect whenever the Myotron is fired. It better actually sound like that.

Pamela Garrett doesn't seem like she would take any guff. She also appears to be an android.

Ed and Shelly take this to a whole new level. Before their appearance, the infomercial is using standard advertising tactics, trying to use scare tactics and science to urge us to buy their product. But then here comes the possible vaudeville act between Ed and Shelly. I'm not sure what purpose they serve other than actual comic relief. I do know Shelly's hair is fantastic and I'd be willing to bet now, 15 years later, she has the same style.

A Lifetime movies scriptwriter couldn't come up with a more bizarre story this blind woman is telling. Horrifyingly, it's true.

I am mad I never saw the "Bert Stickler: FBI Agent" television show following TJ Hooker. Best FBI agent name ever.

Part 2

Guy with crutches is such a lovable klutz. And why was he carrying all those boo- oh, wait a minute...

Do you think Jonathan Demme thought about suing after watching this?

You have to admire the sly slip in of having a wife scary predator-dude just did. And his victim totally fell for it. So much that she completely bypassed the passenger door of the van and immediately went to the back. Score!

"This is a Myotron. And this is a BADGE!" Curse this guy's luck. Of all the gin joints in all of the world...

I think I'd pay $100 to hear what the women in the audience are fake talking about after watching that clip.

Did David C. Eeaton steal his blazer from the Friar's Club?

Safe for kids? This doctor is totally skirting the question.

I love this next quote. Apparently, there's a 93% chance that I or a loved one will be:

  • Carjacked
  • Kidnapped (this is 2nd on the list?)
  • Burgalarized
  • Assaulted
  • Robbed
  • Mugged
  • Raped
  • Murdered
That's a frightening list! I'd like to see a cite on that statistic.

Part 3

The guy in the audience in the light tan shirt totally agrees that chicks can't change a flat tire.

This last scene really sets a scene complete with backstory and storybook beginning. There's simply no way it will have a storybook ending.

Ok, so it's daylight when they get the flat tire. Apparently they then spend the next 6 hours debating what to do since it's nightime before anyone shows up. And what road were they driving on anyway? Is the wedding dress store really that far off the beaten path?

I've seen subtler stereotypes in Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Such a gratuitious shot of pressed belly there.
After seeing this, I've said, "I've got a key" every time it's been appropirate. Friends have lost their keys. Friends have fumbled opening the door. Passing some place that looks interesting but is closed. It's really the best punchline out there.

Ok, I can't definitively tell what's going on in this next scene, but did they just insinuate the two women were strung up ala Predator?

All the sudden we're treated to a Dario Argento homage at the end here, wrapping up this horrible incident even more horribly.

They just suggested this infomercial was a documentary? Can I get an FCC ruling on this?

So, what did we learn from all this? That women are victims unless they're carrying something that is definitely not a stun gun so don't call it a stun gun.

The Best Tweets of the Week 10/9 - 10/16

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

  • I skew toward the amusing
  • I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
  • @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
  • I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
  • Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...

thebrianposehn Finally saw Zombieland. Good shit. Almost as fun as actually killing zombies.

WadetoBlack The way Belichick was desperately searching for McDaniels on the field, I expect him to take out a Missed Connections ad on Craigslist.

VaginaDrum Watching a movie in Spanish. I don't understand it, but at first everyone was like 'lol' and then there was a gun so now it's like 'uh oh.'

StillDrew There aren't nearly as many killer robots at Home Depot as there should be. Not for a place claiming to have everything I need for my house.

adamisacson I see: "Word saved changes to the normal document template. Do you want to load it?" I read: "Why are you still using this shoddy product?"

TheCline You know you've been working with someone named Thong for a while when the phrase 'Thong covered my anatomy' is said and noone even titters.

CourtneyReimer It's not bad on the level of, say, smallpox-infected blankets, but having to work on Columbus Day is pretty wretched.

diplo Cleveland airport playin that santana wyclef record for like ever.. This is what hell sounds like

apodixis Oh God, this Burt's Bees shampoo smells rank. It think it was made from the urine of diabetic children.

hotdogsladies Clients who want freebies in exchange for "future work" are as beneficial as the cellmate who "highly recommends" your rim jobs.

serafinowicz If the Ghostbusters ghost just moved his left hand to the top half of the red sign, he could easily escape.

Rayke Monday is the 9/11 of weekdays.

sortaconfused Thank God they came out with the new leopard & zebra print Snuggys. Before that, none of the colors matched my Crocs.

hotdogsladies In Google Wave. Waiting for a friend. It's like sitting in an airport terminal where 500 people are TALKING LOUDLY about airport terminals.

adamisacson 5-yr-old: "I don't want to go to the art museum." My wife: "C'mon. Art is good for the soul." 5yo: "What's a 'soul?'" Me: [Stifled laughter]

hotdogsladies San Francisco is the first place I've lived where the *prediction* of rain makes people drive erratically.

gunthergreen Heading over to facebook for a while to find out what time that girl I banged in high school is taking her kid to hockey practice tomorrow.

CourtneyReimer I don't know what's more disturbing: that some sickos made a Zach Braff death hoax or that the debunking story refers to him as a comedian.

westoflondon My wife told me that people who swear a lot have a small vocabulary. So I told her to fuck off.

gunthergreen I didn't drink too much last night. There just wasn't enough hours in between when I stopped and now with daylight savings space time thing.

WadetoBlack It sucks I don't work with any Canadians. I really would've liked the lunch I steal from the fridge today to be a leftover turkey sandwich.

(ed. note: Canada's Thanksgiving was on Sunday. I think. At the very least it was sometime this past week.)

CranberryPerson Someone on Twitter named her cat after me. This must be how John Stamos feels when a cat gets named "John Stamos."

Caissie Realized I have unintentionally been participating in "Sober October." Let's see if I can be more deliberate for "Dismember November."

designbuff Anyone interested in a color printer? If so, head over to my building, I'll be pitching the piece of shit out the window in like 20 seconds.

artichoked I stopped doing sit ups to pay closer attention to something on tv & fell asleep on the floor. Really illustrates my dedication to fitness.

adamisacson Oprah says switch to whole grains. I had Dunkin' Donuts make me a bacon, egg and cheese on _whole wheat_ bagel. I feel healthier already.

kolchak Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Unless it's to Jessica Alba. He's pretty proud of his work on that one.

biloon Tonight is German circus night. I feel like I'm going to see something that I was never meant to see.

xrayedman My wife seems concerned that I thought our dog has ESP. Told her I was kidding; but I *know* he is talking about me behind my back.

davio1962 My stylist offers "celebrity" haircuts w/ cost that varies by popularity. In my price range is a choice between Eraserhead & Coolio.

xrayedman I get all teary eyed when I hear that song 'Muskrat Love' cause it reminds me of the time we had to eat our pet Muskrat during hard times.

JephKelley Just re-enacted that scene from "Heat" with Pacino and DeNiro at the table. I was DeNiro. Pacino was a burrito. And DeNiro just ate Pacino.

kolchak Turns out if you have scissors and duct tape you can modify livestrong bracelets to be livestrong cock rings.

knitterplease I'm pretty sure that Canadian Sasquatch is a relative on my mom's side of the family. Related: I have to wax my eyebrows again.

keithglover Okay, which prankster gave this granny in front of me, hot chick smelling perfume? Although, is it wrong if it smells so right? Sooo right

debenham Planning on starting a weekend concert series called Tea & Symphony. Wherein I will beat up anyone who shows up at such a thing.

thomaslennon I could probably have a shorter ringtone than November Rain. (if you call me, don't hang up, I'm just waiting for the lyrics to kick in)

WadetoBlack I have to go fax something. I'm hoping there are some zines I can read while waiting for it to go through.

bumpcrud Apparently, The duties of "Office Fire Marshall" do NOT include screaming, "THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOU WILL DIE" during a drill. Duly noted.

Aimee_B_Loved The most shocking thing about Captain Lou Albano's death is finding out that he hadn't been dead this whole time.

xrayedman Scientists say that if all the cows in the world were placed end to end there would be a really long line of poop. Science is hard.

kolchak There is no free lunch. There are free half eaten twinkies. In the garbage. It was worth it.

slag_mag As we approach 2010, whichever party promises to create an afforable taquito air drop program will have my vote.

GooseHonk I just spent my lunch painstakingly weeding out all the dark meat from my stir fry bowl. I felt like a casting director for The Bachelor.

serafinowicz If I was going to get a tattoo, I'd get "If I was going to get a tattoo, I'd get a tattoo of the word 'tattoo'." tattooed.

knitterplease I put my pants on just like anyone else: reluctantly.

chucknoritz Does the bathroom at your McDonald's have a hobo offering up hand jobs in exchange for a Big Mac? If not then you gotta check out mine.

hotdogsladies "Dorothy wants to ask someone else!" DOES she, Elmo? Or is Mr. Noodle just so symbolic of the frail human condition that it blows your mind?

kolchak Monsters LOVE to do the monster mash when they're not slaughtering children, hanging out under bridges, or smearing poop on cars.

Jessabelle2o7 Upon hearing that The Rape Tunnel is a hoax, Bert stopped grooming his Rape 'Stache and left the museum, mad at himself for daring to dream.

deighvan Head Cold vs. Immune System: The Battle at Right Nostrilia

davio1962 Gonna be one of those days. Missed my hair while applying shampoo & it slid down my back instead. Had to change my shirt and everything.

isplotchy Uh oh Garth Brooks is creeping up the Trending Topics, like a monster emerging from the primordial ooze of the right sidebar!

Aimee_B_Loved Time to find the hedge clippers. It looks like a Nick Nolte mugshot down there.

cleapow Wearing a skirt, which puts me in the position to do some really unladylike things today

Caissie 2 guys in next seat on train are arguing over which has had a worse public defender. I'll let you know if I become an "Innocent Bystander."

WadetoBlack I just made sure to change the break room TV to something even more insidious than Balloon Boy - a repeat of Full House.

BlueLanugo CNN? This is Falco. Yes, the guy who did "Rock Me, Amadeus." I heard everyone was looking for me. Well, here I am! What's that? Oh.

kolchak Before her horrible death, I'm sure Anne Frank would have been comforted by the thought of future comparisons between her and a balloon boy.

RexHuppke Has anyone ever actually had an alibi for being U-G-L-Y?

brendancollins Didn't realize that NYC would be turning into a rainy Hoth this week.

summersumz I'm a wine ninja. Except for the fact I am LOUD when I drink. So, really not a ninja at all.

adamisacson Everyone on this plane is perfectly quiet, but really unattractive. I brought noise-cancelling headphones, but no sight-cancelling glasses.