Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
- Courtney Love is cheap
- David Pirner is insecure
- Orlando Bloom could be perceived as not the sharpest guy in the world
- Ludacris is exactly how you'd expect
- Bo Diddley is bitter
- Chuck Berry is smarter than you think
Thursday, December 15, 2011
The Expendables are back and this time it's personal... Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone), Lee Christmas (Lee Statham), Yin Yang (Jet Li), Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren),Toll Road (Randy Couture) and Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) -- with newest members Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) and Maggie (Yu Nan) aboard -- are reunited when Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) enlists the Expendables to take on a seemingly simple job. The task looks like an easy paycheck for Barney and his band of old-school mercenaries. But when things go wrong and one of their own is viciously killed, the Expendables are compelled to seek revenge in hostile territory where the odds are stacked against them. Hell-bent on payback, the crew cuts a swath of destruction through opposing forces, wreaking havoc and shutting down an unexpected threat in the nick of time -- six pounds of weapons-grade plutonium; enough to change the balance of power in the world. But that's nothing compared to the justice they serve against the villainous adversary who savagely murdered their brother. That is done the Expendables way....
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
- The awesome defense that Kellog's vice president used when asked for a comment on Honey Smacks (it's down a bit in that article)
- Fruity Pebbles aren't in the top 10?
Monday, December 12, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
"Do you think cows would enjoy a stripped down version of 'When the Saints Come Marching In?'"
Tremendous thanks to @calindrome who linked this via Twitter!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Lots of people like cake.
Lots of people like ice cream.
But an insane number of people talk about ice cream cake in tones usually reserved for being blown by someone with a mouth full of gummy worms and heroin.
I don’t get it.
In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that Ice Cream Cakes are #wildlyoverrated.
I know what you’re thinking to yourself, “Good lord, I have a lot of Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. Thankfully, the world economy is about to collapse and these will soon be recognized as valid currency.”
Or, less interestingly from a socio-economic perspective, “That Cline, he’s just a hater. It’s a lot easier to curse the dark then light a candle. Also, I think in mangled clichés.”
But for just a moment, let’s step outside the syphilitic tollbooth your brain has devolved into and consider ice cream cakes.
Start with the parental motivation. Sheer laziness. I’m not saying you need to make a red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting (all from scratch). Forget for a second that I have done that on numerous occasions for fun and profit. But I’ve known sciatica-riddled 2nd-graders who were capable of throwing some eggs towards a box of Betty Crocker and cranking out a half-decent pile of Funfetti. And I can only blame the sissification of America for rendering parents’ wrists too flimsy to scoop out some ice cream to go on top of the cake.
Next, the ingredients. I’ve yet to find an ice cream cake that didn’t use rock-hard, sub-standard ice cream for 75% of its substance. I didn’t realize that the government had branched out from its wildly successful cheese operation into the world of dairy-centric desserts. The rest was dry, crumbly cake that was not only mediocre, but teeth-destroying cold. Who likes cold cake? I mean, other than Ron Paul.
I know you’re nostalgic for days full of promise and wonder and not knowing what the phrase “garnish your wages” or “between the hours of 8 and noon” really meant. But peer past the gauzy romantification of your equally overrated youth. Behind the gauze lies mediocrity. And beyond that, hey, it’s an ice cream cake!
I will give ice cream cakes one point in the “Pro” column. But that’s only because the Carvel commercials from my youth have not lost their whatthefuckamiwatchingness.
Fudgie the Whale goes on the Mount Rushmore of Carvel legends, along with Cookie Puss, Cookie O’ Puss, and Tommy Carvel’s lawyer. Hey, those pedophilia cases aren’t going to throw themselves out based on technicalities by themselves, ya know.
Standard-issue Carvel wackiness, this time centered around Halloween:
Huh. These cakes look eerily similar to Fudgie the Whale and both of the Halloween ones. Pretty sure all the Carvels in each state shared the same 3 molds.
This is a terrible stereotype of Irish people made of sugar. Luckily they’re usually drunk and diabetic, so it’s not a big deal.
And then there’s this.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
I almost didn’t write this.
Last week, I forgot to DVR the show, and it didn’t air again until last night. So really, I had an excuse and everything to simply let this fade into the ether and never mention American Horror Story again.
But I’m a glutton for punishment.
So here you go. And now I have another week to convince myself to drop this stupid show from my memory. Maybe I’ll get hit by a car. I can hope.
Goofy font informs us it’s 1983…
Sexy maid is making a bed in what presumably is the Horror House. A man watches her and makes his move. Also suggests this isn’t the first time it’s happened. The maid fights him off, but this is back before the “No means No!” campaign so he just gets attackier. While this is going on, a woman is heading up the stairs with a gun. It’s Lange – and she shoots the maid right in the eye, right before shooting her husband. Well, this is a fine how do you do part of some back story we’ve got going here!
“Clever” editing takes us back (forward? I don’t care enough) to the present day… where Ben and Vivian are fighting. At first, I assume we’re to assume they’re arguing about his recent Boston trip, but no! Apparently, this family is in the 99%! She wants to move, but due to some unfortunate investments that Ben hasn’t been forthcoming about, they really can’t afford it. I love how one of Ben’s main arguments about not moving is because he has an office in the house. The same house where his wife and daughter were almost raped and murdered in. But you know, his patients meet him there!
She ends the conversation with the “Don’t lie to me again or we’re through,” which yeah…
Vivian meets with the realtor and lays down the law with her. I’m not up on my California real estate codes, so I’m not sure who’s right in this confrontation, but I have to imagine the realtor at least wants the opportunity to sell the house and get a commission, no? Instead, she tries to get out of the whole thing, before Vivian finally threatens to sue her.
Back in the kitchen, Ben and sexy maid are trading glances.
Then 6 Feet Under maid finds Lange (I guess in the haunted house, it’s never made clear (Ever, actually. These sets all look the same) stealing silver. They too start a cat fight, filling in a few more details about their history. And what a history it is!
Ben has a new patient. She’s depressed about going through a divorce. It’s quite a sob storyA boring sob story. Ben is struggling to listen, as much as I’m struggling to watch this show.
Then he (and we) suddenly finds himself outside in the yard with blood on his hands. He comes back inside and sees sexy maid…from behind (yes I meant that as a double entendre). She’s cleaning up what she says is blood in the hallway. It leads to more sexy time until Ben has had enough and fires her.
This of course then sets up the most ridiculous confrontation between the (three?) (four?) of them: Ben and Vivian, along with each representation of the maid they see. Ben pleads his case, but obviously Vivian doesn’t buy it. The maid (6 Feet Under) pleads her case, and then gets a bit huffy about it all, threatens a lawsuit if they fire her and storms off.
Knowing the power of the threat of a lawsuit, Vivian suggests they keep her, and tells Ben he’s screwed up. Which he is of course, just like every other character in this stupid show.
And now just like that, we’re outside, where Vivian is doing a little gardening as the murder tour pulls up.
Violet is outside as well, sneaking a smoke when Ben catches her. But he’s in cool dad mode, and isn’t mad! He offers to find someone to talk to her about what happened. He leaves, and Tate comes out of the bushes to talk about how great of a dad Ben is. Not like a ghost or anything. And I seriously have no idea why this scene was even included. It doesn’t do much of anything, except take a weak stab at making Ben a character with some positive traits. Unfortunately, it takes more than this to make him even slightly sympathetic. So we’re left with nothing. As usual.
Ben, fresh off his “Dad of the Year” audition, goes in to confront sexy maid about his now missing tape recorder he had during his recent patient session. She seductively tells him she has not idea where it is, and also his next patient is in. Ben is all like, next patient? I don’t have anyone else scheduled? Oh but you do Ben, you do…it’s his mistress. So let’s play why is she now in California.
A. She didn’t have the abortion
B. She decided to move out to California to be closer to Ben
C. She wants Ben to pay for the move and her living conditions so he can be a part of the child’s life.
D. All of the above.
Thankfully, this awesome plot contrivance is interrupted by a detective. Not a homicide detective however – a missing persons detective (huh?) who is looking for the now officially missing patient Ben treated. After making some wide generalizations about a whole bunch of stuff, he ogles sexy maid when she walks in and then leaves.
And now we get to the part of the show where we seemingly jump around from place to place with no rhyme or reason!
Cut to: some weird possible flashback of a guy murdering another guy in an alley, over misconceived homosexuality. I almost break into a nervous sweat thinking that this is a new plot point to cover when thankfully it’s revealed it’s just stop on the murder tour, which Vivian is on. I guess she’s trying to find out more information about her house and the ghosts fuck around too much with Google in her house.
And now we get some more history on the house. A surgeon to the stars built the house in the 20’s, but like all successful doctors got into a Frankenstein fetish. So much so that he would often be late to dinner working on his “bat-pig” experiments. His bitchy wife (shout out to Philly!) constantly nags him about everything. So while he wants to go back down to the basement and make his pig bat, his wife, ever the entrepreneur, wants to continue their lavish lifestyle.
And what better way than by opening an illegal abortion clinic in their basement?
Vivian, listening to the story, and really realizing she doesn’t want to live in an old abortion clinic, suddenly realizes she is bleeding from her, uh…baby canal, so she rushes into the house.
So now we’re in the doctor’s office with Ben and Vivian. Vivian checks out, everything is normal, and the blood is attributed to “spotting.” And I thank God/evolutionary randomness that I never have to deal with “spotting.” Of course then the doctor also demands they plan on moving for the next nine or so months, due to the stress a move puts on people…people like Ben who suddenly faints.
Cut to: Lange is out walking her Dachshunds, and waves at Tate who is standing in a window of the horror house. The realtor, putting up the “For Sale” sign looks to see who she’s waving at and of course sees no one there. Instead of this scene, I just wish Tate would wear a shirt that said, “Yes, I’m a ghost.” It would be subtler.
Cut to: Ben power walking and who does he run into but into half-melted face guy! They talk. Well, HMFG talks and Ben yells and threatens. Then he gets mad and power walks off in a huff.
He comes home and tears up his office in an attempt to find his voice recorder, before blacking out and waking up in the yard again. Feeling as though he might have had something to do with his patient’s current missing status, he grabs a nearby shovel and starts digging up some recently dug up dirt in his yard. Lange pops over to chat about this and that and not digging up the yard. But Ben is determined. 6 Feet Under maid glumly stares out the window.
Cut to: Vivian answering the door again this time to the original owner’s wife, though wearing modern fashions. Vivian “Fool me once shame on you…”) still really wants to sell the house, and lets crazypants in anyway. Crazypants because she loves the old parts of the house, but hates the new, modern pieces of the house – like a pasta hook, or something. Something that would scare me. As they’re talking the camera spins around to the back of the woman’s head where we see a huge gash. Vivian turns to get the tea she’s making and when she turns back the woman is gone! So it seems Doc Bat-Pig Inventor got bored enough with having to split abortion profits with her and does her in at some point. We’ll either learn about it next episode or it will never come up again.
Ben is still digging in the yard and the missing persons detective comes back. His patient has been found in some hospital somewhere, with the voice recorder. So Ben didn’t killer her! Though he may have wished he did after we get to hear what’s on the recorder. The patient got so annoyed that Ben was barely listening to her that she slashed her wrists in his office. Ben grabbed her bloody wrists to stop her, and then proceeded to let he walk out with his voice recorder. Makes enough sense for me to just ignore it.
Cut to: Vivian and Violet checking out a new apartment, because Vivian is not about to let her stupid doctor tell her what she can and can’t do. Unfortunately, she might not have the same strategy with her daughter. Violet goes off on her pregnant, recently tortured mother about not moving, ending with the ultimatum that she will run away if they move. And adds the ol’ “yeah and there’s no way you’ll ever be able to find me because I’m a master ninja and CIA operative that is an expert in getting off the grid.” Or something like that.
Cut to: Ben is on the phone getting his blood work back from when he fainted. He had some weird drug in his system that causes memory loss, that I guess explain his black outs. But before he can really confront sexy maid about it, Hayden, his REAL sexy mistress from Boston, is at the door, screaming about him standing her up. Also in the screaming is her yelling that she is going to tell his wife all about the baby and whatnot. Ben calms her down, and suggests they go somewhere to speak rationally, and that someplace can’t be his house. She agrees, and walks out of the house and into a swinging shovel from HMFG. Ben, just about completely off his rocker at this point, oscillates between going to the authorities and letting HMFG handle his situation his way; burying the body and keeping a secret.
Ben goes inside to think about it and vomit while HMFG buries the body in the hole Ben already started earlier. How fortuitous! Digging a bit, he finds what we presume is the body of sexy maid, at the same time 6 Feet Under maid wistfully looks on from a window above. Lange shows up behind 6 Feet Under, and says, “Now you’ll never get to leave.” Ben, deciding to take the sneaky approach with his dead mistress promptly builds a gazebo over the gravesite. And when I say “promptly, I mean it. Seriously, the guy has a future in carpentry. And after all, who wouldn’t want to sit and sip tea on the site of their buried mistress?
And finally, we cut to Vivian sleeping and abortion doctor/Bat Pig creator’s wife watching her sleep. Because, why not?
So there you go. It hardly seems possible, but each episode finds a lower point. The AV Club is suggesting it’s one of those things that’s so bad it’s good, but I’d argue against that. Usually, guilty pleasures and other things that work on the level of “so bad it’s good” start with a serious endeavor. And I refuse to believe this show is taking seriously by anyone. The clincher had to be the somber pop song playing over the scene where HMFG is burying Ben’s chippy Boston mistress.
So, at least on some level, the show wants to be taken seriously in some parts. As most horror type projects have to do. But it also wants to remain campy in some areas, and those two things are not good playground buddies. Shaun of the Dead pulled it off, but when you think about it, it started with the comedy and as it went on ratcheted up the horror until the comedy pretty much went away.
No, American Horror Story wants to be everything to everyone, and that’s pretty much impossible. I can only hope the American public will wise up about that soon.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
After last week’s underwhelming premiere, I thought long and hard about continuing the recaps of American Horror Story. Unlike the Killing, my last foray into following a television series, American Horror Story, is a complete mess, and we're only 2 episodes in. It seems the creators/writers/whoevers simply have a list of famous horror movies that they then pay homage to, with little rhyme or reason. I’m have some faint hopes that a centralized story (other than “dysfunctional family moves into haunted house, bloody, improbable hijinks ensue”) will start to develop, but so far I haven’t seen much evidence of one.
The other reason doing the Killing recaps was fulfilling was the amount of familiar people I knew also watched it and commented. It made watching the show slowly devolve at least palatable. So far, no one I know is watching AHS. I would beg them to start but that wouldn’t be very nice of me.
Anyway, I guess the reason I’m sticking with this is I’m a masochist at heart, and the show is very sadist, so in a way we’re made for each other.
Once again we start with a flashback; our jaunty font says we’re in the year 1968. We’re in the house following 3 girls getting ready to go to a Doors concert. This is immediately unbelievable as one of the girls is black, and if I know anything it’s that black people hate the Doors. I mean, most white people do. Regardless, they head down the stairs off to their concert, making snide comments about two girls who opted to miss the Lizard King and study instead. Well, one of them is studying, the other one appears to already be a nurse. And…I have no idea of the dynamic of these five girls. I guess it’s not too important, as we’ll soon see, but it just seems like really poor writing.
The two shut-ins settle for a night of studying and Laugh-In just as there’s a knock on the door. It’s a guy who was in an accident and could he get some help? Help as in “I really need to kill some nurses because I hate nurses and thankfully I found a house that contained an actual nurse and a nursing student.”
No, really. He quickly overtakes them, makes the student dress up in a nurse outfit that I guess he brought with him? And proceeds to lay her out on a white couch, in her white uniform, and stab her. It’s quite graphic. Yes, if you want me to get specific she prays and he says that’s not going to help her, and he’s right. So is the house the devil? Good lord would that be annoying. We don’t see what happens to the other, actual nurse, but assume she upstairs masturbating. Although with this show…
Cue clichéd credits...
Ah, back in the present day…Ben is working with crazypants teen (aka Tate) and they’re verbally sparring. Tate tries to get under Doc Ben’s skin by telling the doctor his sexual thoughts about Violet, his daughter. Now call me crazy, but I doubt he would still be treating him. Remember, he already found him in Violet’s room. Anyway, before we come squirm out of that moral wormhole, he gets a call on his cell from a woman simply saying, “I’m pregnant.” Which I assume is the woman/girl with whom he had the affair that started this whole thing.
Next, we find ourselves in an abandoned pool with a bunch of skateboarding teens. Violet and her coke fiend girl nemesis are now a bit more chummy. Or at least not fighting. I guess demon attacks are a good thing to bond over. They talk about what happened in the basement. Violet tries to play it off as Tate just scaring her (even though she seemed pretty spooked last week about it). Crazy chick isn’t buying that though and shows Violet her now streaked, white hair. Kinky!
Cut to: Violet now asleep, in the house. And who shows up but Tate, watching her sleep? Because what says completely sane and normal more than creepily watching someone sleep? Unless of course Tate is a ghost. Which he totally is. Suddenly, the house alarm goes off. Ben grabs a bat and heads downstairs to find the front door open. Ben’s next stop? The basement…where he finds Addie, playing with a ball. And I realize that Jessica Lange is crazy, and Addie has down syndrome so she’s not a normal child, but seriously – it’s late enough where everyone is asleep. We can’t keep a girl with down syndrome in check? Obviously there’s a subtly hint of supernatural stuff (seriously, the ball Addie was playing with mysteriously rolls across the floor when no one is there – but more seriously, are we supposed to be spooked by that? We had a rubber suited man rape a woman last week. The ball-across-the-floor seems slightly underwhelming after that) before Ben turns off the lights and heads back upstairs.
He explains the situation to Vivian who promptly tells him she’s afraid for her baby. You see, this pregnancy seems different than the last one. And while I know next to nothing about pregnant woman, isn’t that uh, kinda normal? Like women who vomited a lot with their first child didn’t vomit at all with the second? Whatever, I guess we have to build some suspense for the baby here since it’s the product of a rubber-suited man demon.
Cut to: a new, blond woman patient with Ben, spouting some ridiculous nonsense about Karen Carpenter and an elevator. Unfortunately we aren’t just told though, we’re shown her freaky, “I’m gonna get chopped in half dream.” Then she turns it on Ben and asks about the murder house and tells him how his house is on the murder house tour. She seems obsessed about the murders. And the house. (Bianca)
Cut to: Ben calling Tate’s mom and telling her he can’t treat Tate – which at least shows the creators are trying to ground the show in a little bit of reality. Meanwhile, crazy blond patient wanders in lying about how she got “turned around” when she was leaving. And there we’ve effectively eliminated the reality because I can’t imagine any psychiatrist with a home office simply tells the patient to show him/herself out the door and leaves them alone. Well, I guess any psychiatrist with an office NOT in a haunted house.
Let’s go wander over and see what those oh-so-wholesome neighbors are doing. Why, it looks like they’re baking something! And spitting in it and putting ipecac syrup in it. How lovely. I can only imagine who that’s for.
Cut to: Ben running again in the apocalyptic valley and having flashbacks of what I can only imagine is his affair girl. Melted head guy shows up, and talks more about the house and seems to have a lot of Ben’s personal information. Ribs him a bit about the affair which, yeah – why not? He also gives the audience the cliff notes version of his story, just in case we missed it last week (plausible) or there are some new viewers this week (extremely implausible). He predicts Ben is going to lie to his wife and so we…
Cut to: Ben lying to his wife about why he is flying to Boston.
During the lying conversation, Constance comes over and brings the cupcakes with the explicit instructions that Violet eats them, which I don’t get, and can only assume will be revealed in the future as to why Constance wanted to make Violet sick. At least I hope it’s revealed, and not just a stupid way for the cupcakes to come up later in the episode. I really hope they explain why Constance baked yuckcakes for Violet, when we’ve seen little interaction between these two characters. Good lord I feel like I’m in for disappointment. I mean more disappointment.
Anyway, Constance non sequitors into a premonition that Violet is “with child.” Because she’s a ghost, right? And Violet, maybe because she’s losing 5% of her brain with the pregnancy, or maybe because it’s just shoddy writing, invites Constance to stay so she can talk more about her unborn child with her, all the while teasing the audience with the yuckcake in her hand. Will she or won’t she eat it? Will we care or not?
Constance doesn’t seem to want wife to eat the cupcake, but she also doesn’t go to too many great lengths to prevent it. Then Ben walks in. Then 6 Feet Under maid walks in. And it seems Constance and the maid have a history together. A prickly history. Constance also makes sure Ben doesn’t eat a cupcake. Like he was going to. He’s way too busy ogling sexy maid.
Cut to: Violet’s room With Ben gone, I guess mom and daughter have to talk. Of course as every mother/daughter conversation goes, Violet calls her mom “fat” and “weak.” You know, the usual stuff. Vivian leaves the yuckcake with her, but Violet leaves it out in the hallway, presumably to poison a rat. Or ghost. Or homicidal wannabe woman actress.
Vivian feeling rather glum, goes and calls Ben. Ben is of course with his little chirpy, sipping wine in her apartment. And its here I start questioning the timeline of everything going on. If we’re supposed to believe the that Ben’s affair chick’s unborn child is his…did he have the affair and then 2 weeks later pack up the family to move to California? I thought there was time in between the affair and then the move? Or, is this not his kid? Or, am I putting way too much thought into this? I
I think we know the answer to at least one of those questions.
Anyway, he makes the mistake of checking his phone in her presence, she goes all psycho, and then he apologizes and seemingly slips his phone into her pocketbook? I rewound like 4 times to see if I could understand what was going on, since that seems like the stupidest thing anyone could ever do in his situation, but that’s what it looked like. I mean, I realize she asked him for the phone during her tantrum, but he wisely said no and refused to give it to her. Then they hug, and he seemingly slipped it into her bag unbeknownst to her. And you wonder why I’m currently banging my head on they keyboard in frustration.
And now starts what may be one of the most ridiculous plot lines in a television show. And that’s saying a lot coming from a show based in fantasy: Vivian is laying in bed watching some movie, when she hears someone banging on the front door. It’s a woman employing the same tactics as the 1968 guy who killed the girls in the beginning of the show. Thankfully, Vivian isn’t a stupid nursing student and doesn’t fall for it. She looks around for her phone before screaming for Violet to get her phone and call 911. She goes back to check at the door, and glimpses the woman, now wearing a creepy black mask. Simultaneously there is a man in a black mask creeping up on Violet, who is frantically looking for her phone.
It’s a home invasion, sadly without the Ice-T soundtrack. There are three invaders, and one of them is the woman patient from the beginning, this time with two of her goon friends…and they really are obsessed with the murders that happened in this house, so much so they’re going to recreate them! (Un)Thankfully Violet and Vivian aren’t so submissive and they fight back, as much as they can. Violet breaks away and runs upstairs. Tate shows up, and tells Violet to get the three of them into the basement. Makes a bit of sense, since we saw what he did with coke addled teen friend when Violet got her in the basement. And that was just to scare her! Meanwhile, Vivian is trying to talk herself out of getting murdered, when we see Addie creeping into the house. Guess there are some positives to leaving your door unlocked. Other than letting homicidal house invaders in. Violet Subtly tries to tell her to go get help. Meanwhile Violet is caught and is being forced into a nurse outfit where she is going to be drowned. Apparently that is what happened to the other woman in the beginning scene. Of course, why that was not revealed in the beginning, and held to this moment makes little sense, but at this point we just have to go with it. Right? I mean there’s no way to actively change a television show on the fly is there?
Just as we’re about to get on with Violet’s drowning, blond wannabe actress homicidal maniac comes strutting into the bathroom gnoshing on the yuckcake that Violet had left out in the hall. Because everyone knows murdering makes you hungry!
Cut to: Constance getting busy with a young man. A studly, young man. Unfortunately, before she can remove his trousers with her tongue, Addie upends the mood with news of what’s happening next door. But of course, since she’s a television character with down syndrome, we know where this is leading, right? Well, not where it eventually lands, but we can guess that Constance won’t believe her.
So yeah, Constance doesn’t believe her, and puts her in the “bad closet” to “look at herself.” The bad closet is a closet full of mirrors. And so I guess all the scenes leading up to this point is just to show off that one of the writers came up with the bad closet concept. Because seriously? This has nothing to do with anything.
Back in horror house, the blond murderer girl is vomiting. In a stupor, she’s looking for her crime cohorts, before Tate comes out of nowhere and buries an ax in her stomach. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, and I know it was something like five minutes ago, but weren’t we lead to believe a little earlier that Tate needed the three home invaders to go in the basement before he could “act?” I guess that’s out the window. But then why did he wait to act? Why didn’t he help them out before…oh just forget it. I blame myself for picking this show apart at such a logical level.
Downstairs, Vivian is getting prepped by the dude to get stabbed. But wait – there’s a struggle! and she gets the upperhand.
Meanwhile, Violet, per Tate’s implicit instructions, is leading the last remaining kidnapper to the basement. And there’s Tate with a tub. Vivian and Violet escape and run down the street, leaving Tate to handle these crazy kids anyway he wants. And how he does that is conjures up the nursing student ghosts. Because, of course.
Back in Boston Ben and his chirpy look like they’re waiting in a high school gymnasium sponsoring a blood drive. And maybe they are. We know she was/is a student. And I can only guess that he will get a phone call and have to leave, and she’ll be pissed. Which is pretty much what happens.
Cut to: Constance, Six Feet Under Mom and Tate standing over the bodies of the kidnappers. Tate suggests that if they want the doctor to keep treating him, they have to get rid of the bodies. Uh oh, careful here, we’re getting a semblance of a reason this show exists. Now don’t worry, I’m certain it will be forgotten about. They hatch a plan to get rid of the bodies.
The aftermath. Ben is home and the family is being interviewed by the police. The one girl was found down the street with multiple ax wounds; the other 2 haven’t turned up yet. Ben confronts his daughter about Tate being in the house. She snarks back. You know usual snark stuff after a home-invasion-almost-murder. Vivian ends the episode with “we’re selling this house.”
Something tells while she may have the best intentions, she isn’t going to get her wish.
So, what are we left with? Suggestions that Constance isn't a ghost (since we see her outside of the house) which lead us to believe that the house makes people go crazy internally. Tate also shows possibilities of both being a ghost (all the basement talk) and not being a ghost (actually stabbing a real life person with an ax). So basically, we know nothing.
I'm really dreading next Wednesday.