The Best Tweets of the Week 11/27 - 12/4

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...



debihope When I was your age, we didn't have any "sales" or "shopping", we stole clothes off random passerby! Friday was GRAY! And we LIKED IT!

RexHuppke Turkey and scrambled eggs. One person's abomination is another's....OK, this is actually just an abomination.

WadetoBlack A Massachusetts woman claims she saw an image of Jesus on the bottom of her iron. Holy shit! Women can iron? My wife is such a liar.

ajonathancox Fact: Bruce Banner stays home on Black Friday because he'll Hulk out in the Best Buy parking lot and ruin his car. Also, he's fiction.

VaginaDrum BF got a Snuggie for his bday & didn't want it so gave it to me. I've already filled the pocket with Oreos. He has no idea what he's done.

coachbaby4 The eyes are the nipples of the face.

Trick_or_tweet I'm growing my hair through telekinesis. Some argue that it would grow anyway, but they're just part of the conspiracy.

seancorcoran Earlier I went to the bathroom but forgot my iPhone. I was *so* bored.

GooseHonk Hubby said the sweetest thing to me today that I'm now determined to turn into a folk ballad: "You put the 'goose' in my goosestep."

JephKelley Time flies when you're drinking box wine and suddenly feel the need to prove how great your bare chest looks covered in hot candle wax.

davio1962 Loading up the minivan w/ family and driving 2.5 hrs to be with more family because apparently I did something real awful in a former life.

CranberryPerson I never thought of myself as dead inside, but I don't know how else to explain how my farts smell.

artichoked After two nights of wheat beer, my head is in a weizen.

debenham There was a numerologist on the Today Show who has me totally convinced! That numerology is the very dumbest thing there is!

FartSandwich Golden Retrievers are the Aryan race of dogs. In other news, I'm still retarded.

ajonathancox Sometimes you just have to say fuck it and take a third nap.

Girl11Eleven I didn't understand the weird looks until I realized my buying just a can of cat food and a large bag of breath mints probably did look odd.

WadetoBlack I just successfully folded a fitted sheet all by myself! My wife better step up her game. I'm one step closer to being self-sufficient.

Caissie My fantasy Dungeons & Dragons team is doing so poorly right now. Might as well hang it up until Rotisserie Magic the Gathering season.

D_MaeN : If I had I thought I had a soul, I very well might have shit mine out after Thanksgiving dinner.

afoolishwit My mother can't decide whether to watch 'A Dog Named Christmas' or 'The Dog Who Saved Christmas.' there is no punchline.

RexHuppke If it weren't for gravity, the remote wouldn't have fallen off the couch. Also, the couch could fly. Newton. What an asshole.

hotdogsladies A laconic celebrity golfer makes his pasty, fair-weather fans get all mad and pitchforky. At last. My perfect storm of who the fuck cares.

artichoked After 12 hrs sitting in the same seat, I was disappointed to walk outside & not be in Europe.

adamisacson Dropping the kid off at kindergarten on the way to meanergarten.

ajonathancox IPhone Scrabble wouldn't accept "dalek". That's bullshit.

debenham I've come to believe that people who drink coffee on the toilet are simply made of different human stuff than I am.

iamnotdiddy My son asked where I got my jokes. Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain "voices in my head" & "outsourced to China" to a kid?

WadetoBlack If I was President, I would keep the news of the 30,000 troops a surprise. Then again, my military experience comes from playing Stratego.

ajonathancox "Coffee may be for closers, but Fig Newtons are for winners." - Me, my new life motto.

Aimee_B_Loved Today is my mom's birthday. She says she's 29. Which pretty much makes her the whoriest 5-year-old ever.

AndeeD Just walked past the bathroom after husband used it. I think he's a secret sewage eater

DirtyGert Damn I got a piece of lettuce in the slidey part of my phone. I need a microscopic rabbit to go in there and fix it.

Dolanite The bathroom cleaners switched from blue toilet cleaner to red, it's festive! OH GOD I HOPE I'M NOT PISSING BLOOD.

tj Went for buffalo wings for lunch. Found out soup of the day is chili. Got both. Which is to say I've set aside 3-6pm as bathroom time.

lafix Sitting in my car I realize I forgot to put on underwear. Forgot is a strong word.

diablocody Made spaghetti carbonara last night, and it's a fine breakfast, too. Bacon, eggs, all the essentials. Garnish with a Pop Tart.

artichoked Tainted beef threatens school cafeterias across the country. In related news, porn industry reeling from beefy taint outbreak.

thebenbrooks "Do what you love and the money will follow." OK. I'll just spark up this J and wait for the Brinks truck to arrive.

TheMaskedBandit Dear Twitterverse, How hard is it to legally change your name? Sincerely, The Duke Of Pussyville

razorwitted Sure, kids GROW. But cheap PJs STRETCH. Problem solved.

debenham In this part of America in this part of December, it is 62 degrees. At 9-something AM. I'm drafting my apology to the Mayans.

goldengateblond Two trains leave opposite stations. One is going 70mph, the other is going 75mph. What time will I say I'm too fat for these jeans and cry?

WadetoBlack First Tiger Woods. Now Ron Wood from the Rolling Stones was arrested in a domestic altercation. Based on my SAT knowledge, John Woo is next.

trixieboots Lawn sign: "Merry Christmas! This is the month that God comes to earth!" Not to be confused with the other 11 months when we're just SOL.

Girl11Eleven Internet, phone & TV went out and at the same time it began to snow. Panic insued. I've had a glimpse of the Apocalypse and it isn't pretty.

QuinnK Fly: 1, Me: 0. This is the way all good battles start.

VaginaDrum My old diabetic cat lost a tooth. My dad is sending it to me in the mail. I told him, 'That's creepy' and he said 'Well it's in a bag.'

iamnotdiddy I'm going geocaching. And by "I'm going" I mean "I am" and by "geocaching" I mean "stealing shit out of people"s garages to pay for crack".

The Best Tweets of the Week 11/13 - 11/20

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...





TheCline Between Community & Mad Men, I'm one plane ticket and a radiator away from Black Snake Moaning the hell out of Alison Brie.

Xytrex It's apparent she puts on her makeup by opening her cosmetics bag, shoving her face in side and shaking vigorously.

bestgirlbetty God DAMMIT. Used up my 1066th tweet and it wasn't about the Battle of Hastings. This just became the worst motherfucking birthday ever.

artichoked HOWARD THE DUCK is on. I saw this shit in the theater. Yep, even back then I was making good choices.

VaginaDrum Got an email from Kettle Chips extending an invitation to join their 'Inner Circle.' Seems like eating two bags a week has finally paid off.

linajk Shouldn't Captain Crunch be Admiral Crunch by now?

nathanrabin passed a lady destined to be the oldest woman at the bar tonight. There was a perfect symmetry between her leather pants and leathery hide.

VaginaDrum I need a way to sleep with the covers over my head while still being able to breathe comfortably. Something like a depression Snuggie.

drew42e With the wife out of town, thinking of going to Chuck E. Cheese's to kill a few hours. Now I just have to find somebody to watch the kids

johnmoe Thanks to Lego Star Wars, my family's living the dream of seeing Gen. Grievous and a Tusken Raider hanging out on Hoth for no reason.

WadetoBlack OMG, OMG, the new American Girl catalog just came in the mail!! I mean, oh shit stains, the new American Girl catalog just came in the mail.

FriedWords My son's friend is spending the night. I hope that means his parents are gonna have sex. Otherwise these night vision goggles were a waste.

Jim_Hamilton What happened? This bar was empty when I fell asleep and no one was paying money to put their balls in my mouth.

CourtneyReimer It's pretty clear that no member of Black Eyed Peas need be present in order for it to be considered a Black Eyed Peas performance.

JephKelley I don't think you need to go to church on Sunday to worship. For instance, I'm in bed praying to God that this hangover goes away soon.

ange_black Why do I *have* to wear pants to go get a coffee and a bagelwich? My underpants are clean. Clean-ish. Okay, I'll put on my fucking pants.

summersumz Say what you will about print journalism, it remains the best tool for drying out rain-soaked shoes.

Xytrex My back hurts pretty bad today. If it could talk it would probably say "What in the hell, I can talk?" Then it would complain about hurting.

mookiewilson86 The Jets' offense leads the NFL in making announcers comment, "They're lucky that one wasn't picked off." And SARS.

The_Sock_Puppet If I ever find out who wrote my phone # on the mens bathroom wall at the gas station, I'll thank them

Caissie May Matt Lauer never call me "an incredible lady" as a result of my face being chimped off. Lord, hear my prayer.

WadetoBlack I think I cut myself worse shaving on Mondays because subconciously I'm trying to find the jugular.

mrdavehill I am either too old or too young to have as many crumbs in my bed as I do right now.

CourtneyReimer People who pronounce it "Na-BOK-ov" are the same people who don't know Sting had a career before he became an easy-listening megastar.

iamnotdiddy I have a staff infection and by "staff" I mean "stupid fucking people I work with" and by "infection" I mean "I hate them."

FartSandwich Actions speak louder than words, especially if that action is shouting.

I_am_JMan I just realized that Destro is just destroy without the "y". Those Hasbro people are so clever.

WadetoBlack Lost: Work motivation. Last seen at the corner of April and May 2009. If found, euthanize immediately.

thebenbrooks After 12 years of marriage, I'll be the second to admit I've made some bad choices.

StillDrew You know what's like herding cats? Herding cats. But why would you want to? Now shooting cats in a barrel? I could get into that.

Jim_Hamilton I like the term "personal publishing." Every time I post a tweet, I call mom and yell, "I got published!"

deighvan I just noticed that during our illness my 2yr old's Kai-Lan doll has slept with everyone in this house. Kai-Lan is a sick ho.

xrayedman There is no 'I' in team and there is no 'Team' in Cleveland.

cravenheart The only way to get my wife into bed is to set a gin trap.

michellew_There's a large number of "hair restoration" people following me. Have they SEEN me? I've got more hair then Madonna's armpits in the 80's!

SarahKSilverman I keep confusing 9-11 and 7-11. Gotta stop going to ground zero for Nerds Rope.

DaveHolmes Somewhere there is hours of footage of Payton Manning and Justin Timberlake doing improv.

nerdist Ah, late-night PBS. A vegetable crisper of British leftovers.

diplo i hope I get hit in the head with a meteor

bestgirlbetty It's always sunny in my cleavage. With scattered showers of crumbs, yes, but it's always sunny.

MrBigFists I wish my neighbors would put blinds up in their bathroom window so I could stop climbing this tree every morning.

coachbaby4 Freedom of expression is important to me & that's why all my panties have messages on the back.

Caissie I don't mind if absorbed twins follow me, but no absorbed twin spammers! I don't want to see your abs0rb3dtw1nfvck3dv1ds, guys.

Aimee_B_Loved I can't think of a single image that would be as awesome and terrifying as jousting narwhals. Make that happen, Wild Kingdom.

kolchak It's not yellow snow. It's a ghetto icee.

knitterplease I am NOT listening to Christmas music. I'm listening to the holiday date-rape classic, "Baby It's Cold Outside".

RexHuppke Sorry, boss, nudity is not listed as a policy violation in the employee handbook. See for yourself. It's right here. In my lap.

RexHuppke This day is like watching a pair of mimes perform "Waiting for Godot."

VaginaDrum I've watched so many murder mysteries, I just keep them on in the background and listen for buzz words like 'semen' 'knife' and 'Nashville.'

WadetoBlack My wife's busy fake cooking in in her fake cafe in the Cafe World game on Facebook. I'm eating microwave hot dogs. Something is wrong here.

brashlionroars The dude from Kiss in the cat makeup totally drew the short straw

danlevyshow Just saw a guy who looks like the homeless me. I gave him in dollar in case there is some back to the future shit going on.

TheMadTurkey Tried to get some celebrity friends to help my cause by singing Do They Know Its Thanksgiving Time, but even the other Baldwins ignored me.

JeeNeeBee I just stuffed my washing machine so full, I'm going to have to rename it Kirstie.

RexHuppke Great. Along with a bad knee, nose hair and lower-back pain, I've started snoring. I'm a Matlock marathon shy of Geezerville.

razorwitted For us, it's just a speedbump in the week, but for Quasimodo, Wednesday was *his* day...

TheCline Me: How often should I change the filter in my new furnace? Him: Same way you do now. Every month or so. Me: [awesome poker face] Of course.

TheMaskedBandit Has anyone used 'Harry Chronic Jr.' for a weed name yet? If not, we need to be getting much more creative.

WadetoBlack When faced with the difficult choice between just two toilet stalls, I sometimes like to ask myself: What Would Robert Frost Do?

mrdavehill That movie "The Maid" was totally different from what I was expecting/not wearing pants for.

QuinnK My landlord got upset when I told him I was going to build a "fake" fire in my fake fireplace. (It's all about good finger quote placement.)

artichoked After my dog finishes eating, he wipes his mouth on the living room carpet. I assume he learned this behavior from my husband.

bestgirlbetty Early meeting at work this a.m. with a gunty woman. Adding "I got up early for gunt" to my "things I never expected to say" list.

Caissie I am using the new Fit or Fugly iPhone app to determine if the people around me are good looking or not. I was so tired of wondering!

StillDrew I bet when the officer asked if I knew why he had pulled me over he was looking for more than, “Meh.” Related: Tasers taste like burning.

keithglover I treat foreplay like a game of Tekken. I just move all my fingers as frantically as possible & pray I activate some sort of special move.

designbuff I keep forgetting to put on deodorant. Operation Hobo Transformation is a go! Next up: Fashioning a bindle stick and riding freight trains.

razorwitted It's a good thing Jesus wasn't beheaded, because a diamond-studded guillotine wouldn't make NEARLY as charming a pendant.

wood Ramen, chopped ham, dash of Sriracha & worcestershire, slice of cheese and a fried egg. I am the Iron Chef of sadness & disappointment.

Dav3Ston3 Today, on her first birthday, Mirabel learned of the joy and betrayal that resides within all rubberbands.

ajonathancox About to put the office nudity policy to the test!

Jim_Hamilton What has two thumbs and is done drinking and I mean it this time baby just LET ME IN THE GODDAMN HOUSE?!?

RexHuppke Agent: The eagle has landed. HQ: You've spotted the target? Agent: No. An eagle. It's magnificent! (Ornithologists make lousy spies.)

Caissie Now Twitter is asking me "What's happening?" If I find out Twitter is Raj, I"m going to be PSYCHED!

davio1962 I put that Math teacher in her place when I said my daughter wouldn't need her precious "Geometry", once she becomes an exotic dancer.

artichoked Snuggie commercial has a girl raising the roof, guy doing the cabbage patch & a dog with glasses. The snuggies are the LEAST shameful part.

slapclap Hell is Kid Rock concert footage, not other people (unless they go to Kid Rock concerts).

DaveHolmes Probably sometimes when people are trying to ironically type "teh," they mess up and type "the."

unsupervised Signing a birthday card after John Hancock must have been infuriating.

carolinekeith My problem of "I want to wear flats but this skirt looks better with heels" was solved with cleavage. Nothing can't be solved by boobs.

The Best Tweets of the Week 11/6 - 11/13

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...



lefauxfrog Somewhere, a network executive is waking from a sound sleep to furiously scribble "25/8 news coverage!" on a notepad by his nightstand.

AlisonRosen I totally have a Word doc open and I totally wrote some words and even italicized a few. It's like I'm really getting shit done today.

TheMadTurkey You don't want to eat me on Thanksgiving, I have less dark meat than a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert.

Rayke Her: Research paper. Do you know anything about euthanasia? Me: They work in sweatshops? Her: Inappropiate. And a bit racist. Well done.

WadetoBlack Apparently we're having homemade chicken soup tonight. Most people might be excited by this, but not me. I'm not sick. And I have no soul.

Aimee_B_Loved Judging by the sounds the boss and his computer are making, I'd say the space invaders are winning.

steveagee what the hell is a Verizon Droid? what the fuck is Google Wave? How long have I been asleep???

Jim_Hamilton No matter how many ties I pretend to look at, it is obvious to everyone in Nordstrom's that I came in only to take a shit.

hotdogsladies I interpret Obama's silence on the issue as a tacit admission he's working with the Greys, Jodie Foster, and Jim Davis to steal my thoughts.

davio1962 Still working on my idea for a combination, Asian Food/Bondage lounge. Hoping to call it "Thai Me Up".

WadetoBlack Good: Had the game-winning hit in softball tonight vs. our town's cocky young, athletic firefighters. Bad: I'm screwed if we have a fire.

adamisacson OMG the plane's landing and the guy next to me has his tray table down! If you're reading this, it means I managed to climb over the body.

TheMadTurkey The country Turkey? There's no turkeys there. Maybe Alanis Morisette will write a song about it.

FunnyLvnGirl Fine. I'll go to church with you today. But, I'm wearing my jammies, not fixing my hair & taking coffee. People will stare. Your decision.

TheMadTurkey So what if I have flabby skin hanging off my neck? It's called a wattle. What's yours called, grandma?

kolchak Papa Johns offers a pizza with 6 meats, but doesn't take kindly to you asking if one of them is human.

afoolishwit Sliced my right index finger at work. Luckily, not the main finger I use for communication. But later tonight's gonna be rough.

ZenGrifter Before Twitter came along I had to spray-paint this shit onto railway bridges.

shareyourdonuts (while traveling in a Muslim country) Man sneezes. Me: God bless you! I mean Allah!!

derek_huff Me:My Blackberry fell in the urinal. Boss:Did you get it out? Me:No! I peed on it. Boss:Why would you pee on it? Me:It was in the urinal!

thebenbrooks Me: "That's called a recumbent bike." 2 1/2 yr old: "What does recumbent mean?" Me: "It means he's not interested in girls sweetheart."

Aimee_B_Loved Somewhere, my doppelganger is peering into her fun-sized pack of Skittles, disappointed by all reds and no greens.

Blue_Crab Awkward Guy is creepily giggling alone in his office. I can't tell if this is the beginning or the end of the horor movie.

ajonathancox Lady Gaga confuses both my upstairs and my downstairs parts.

davio1962 Ever totally screw up something at work, but then have an epiphany & solve the problem? Today, that was me. Minus the 'solving' part.

CourtneyReimer I've noticed Pizza Hut avoids the word "pizzeria" in its ads. Probably because it rhymes with what their product tastes like.

kolchak WHY WOULD YOU ACCUSE BARNEY OF STEALING FROM THE COOKIE JAR? HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ARMS, YOU FUCKING MORON? WHAT ARE YOU, FIVE YEARS OLD? Oh.

MrAlexAdams When a coloring book is completed, do you then call it a *colored* book? Cuz that's racist. And I will not tolerate ur crayon based bigotry.

Caissie Remember when 2 sets of twins plus a set of sextuplets was an article in the Enquirer instead of a show on TLC called 'Table for 12'?

adamisacson I microwaved an "organic breakfast burrito" without stopping halfway to turn it. It was gross! So I followed the directions. It was gross!

nicdarling Just noticed the building vending machine features an "Extreme Relaxation Beverage". I'm not sure I want my relaxation to be extreme.

PFTompkins Sad I missed @Hodgman's book reading last night. Cause I'm illiterate. Even now, I hope I put these shapes in the right ordre!

Trick_or_tweet I have a plausible guess where my pen is, given that I just found a tampon behind my ear.

Caissie I cannot believe that it is Sesame Street's 40th anniversary & they haven't solved Mr. Hooper's murder yet.

Dolanite The Temp wears keys on his belt, making him sound like a tiny janitor as he stomps around. It's going to make him really easy to hunt.

richardroeper Carrie Prejean keeps talking about the effort to silence her. She's talking about it on national TV. I'd say that means the effort sucks.

TheMadTurkey The day after Thanksgiving is known as Black Friday for shoppers. You know what turkeys call it? Nothing. Because, you know, we're dead.

Blue_Crab The Boss's wife tried to dress up today. It looks like a circus got really drunk and threw up on her.

cantamorada There are advantages to hardly ever cleaning out my car. Like having a change of clothes for a surprise meeting on a day I wore sweatpants.

hugel If CBS were truly looking to push the boundaries they’d have picked up Shit My Dads Say.

nevenmrgan When you're peeing, coughing is like holding the B button in Super Mario.

FriedWords Seeing a ghost is probably the scariest, but I bet seeing a vagina from the 70's has to be a close second.

bestgirlbetty This day has had too many man issues. I need to go watch a Hillary Swank movie or lick a cat.

WadetoBlack It's possible that the population of exotic animals and insects would be endangered if late night talks shows went extinct.

davio1962 Trying to help my son with his history project. Years from now kids will be doing *their* history projects on my murderous rampage today.

WadetoBlack My daughter brings a lot of stuffed animals into bed w/ us. Related, what I did to Mr. Fluffy last night was just an accident. He's soft!

johnmoe If life hands you an impossible situation, make ImpossibleSituationAde: the least popular sports drink of all time!

Aimee_B_Loved I'd better shave my legs this week. Otherwise Saturday is going to look more like Satyr-day.

TheCline Smushed candy corn in our stairwell for over a month now. 99% sure it's one of mine. Pride mixed with realization we have filthy stairwells.

blaine23 Just dialed 1-900-MIX-A-LOT. Got a call center in India. Luckily, Mr. Patel is confident he can assist me with kicking these nasty thoughts.

FartSandwich I bet the story of Gandhi would make a terrific video game. You just lie down, get your ass beat, then you win. Sort of.

TheMaskedBandit Is there any occasion fancy enough to get country singers into a pair of slacks? Oscars? State dinner? Meeting the Queen?

bumpcrud The fact that I just saw someone buy Silk Stalkings Season 5 makes me hate our freedom.

TheMadTurkey These days, the only thing you’re really giving thanks for now is Indian Casinos. And that Val Kilmer movie set on that Indian reservation.

FussySaffa Why is it that people never seem to fight on top of trains these days?

thewesterly Alright, monkey. You've tracked me to my secret lair. You've disabled my sentries. You've even pooped on my secretary. Let's finish this.

LarryCarroll I just received a Jeremy Piven air freshener in the mail. It smells...fishy.

artichoked If I told you I was rooting around in the jelly bean jar for my favorite flavor & some fell out & into my bra, would that be sexy or sad?

supmister Shooting a midget out of a canon into a crowd could be the only thing that'll convince me that "guns don't kill people, people kill people."

genegeorge Life was much better when 90% of people never went more than 5 miles from home. Also there was plague.

Kathy_L What I would really like is something that brings milkshakes to my yard.

dpressman Lou Dobbs quit CNN? Who the hell am I gonna masturbate to from 4 - 5pm?

sportsguy33 Wow, Durant made me post a Tweet with 2 different words in caps. He turns me into a teenage girl. Im only missing headgear + a training bra.

Xytrex I marched into our 5pm meeting carrying a trident and humming a Gregorian chant. We won't be having any more 5 pm meetings.

slag_mag I'm probably late to the game on this one, but I'd like everyone to thank the KISS Army for their years of service on this special day.

Jessabelle2o7 As I chased my Vicodan and unripe banana with hot cocoa, I had a moment of déjà vu: the night of the Bonobo monkey-Emanuel Lewis rape dream.

DaveHolmes I think Wynonna Judd's personal style character is "Lesbian Bumpkin Magician Superhero."

WadetoBlack The bright side of seeing a homeless guy on the trolley reading a romance novel with a hand on his crotch is being able to tweet about it.

JezebelTheGreat Attic Boy's parents are pleading guilty and aren't going to jail? Lame. JACK FUCKIN MCCOY would've sent them to jail.

blackcallalily If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunchtime.

michaelianblack How am I supposed to make my "masturbating to Carrie Prejean masturbation video" if I can't see hers first? Very frustrating.

Dolanite Nice eh? #thingsyouprobablyshouldntaskyourgynocologist.

CranberryPerson My new building is going to be a block away but I am getting really nervous that its Starbucks won't be as good as the Starbucks here.

johnmoe When Clifford the Big Red Dog's time is up, it's going to be horrible in so many ways. The putting down, the burial, all of it.

DougBenson When someone tells me they're not on Twitter, I just assume that they can't read or write. And then I throw my drink in their face.

hotdogsladies Listen. I don't wear these Mr. Potato Head ears, lips, nose, and glasses to "look cool." I'm Tatin' Up because it's tribal; it's WHO I AM.

morgan_murphy It's gotta suck if you're really superstitious AND own a black cat. Youd just spend all your time at home scared shitless.

Lorisays Everyone plays at the Middle School Girls Volleyball game. By "everyone," I mean even spectators. By "plays," I mean gets hit by the ball.

CourtneyReimer I've seen the death of journalism and it is this girl at Columbia J-School desperately clinging to a copy of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Trick_or_tweet 2009 is the year of the pig & we have Swine flu. 2010 is the year of the cock. I hope the cocks won't need isolation.

paulscheer The pixar movie UP is just of a sweeter version of Grand Torino with balloons

FartSandwich Water cooler guy came to the office today. He asked our receptionist if he could see her jugs and I said, "I think I've seen this movie."

Aimee_B_Loved I went to Jurassic Park and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. And disemboweled by a Velociraptor.

RexHuppke "YOU can't believe it's not butter. But I CHOOSE to not believe it's not butter." Never grocery shop with a philosopher.

morgan_murphy I have a lot of die hard lesbian fans. I don't mean they like me a lot, I mean they're women who look like Bruce Willis.

Jim_Hamilton Boy meets girl. Girl fucks quarterback. Boy builds death-ray (or writes poetry, depending on budget).

bumpcrud Underground Bare Knuckled Kangaroo Boxing? Like, Kangaroo Fight Clubs? Is that a thing? I'm asking for a dream I had.

The Best Tweets of the Week 10/30 - 11/6

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...



Girl11Eleven This recipe calls for extra thick whipping cream & chokecherries. Not sure if I'm supposed to eat this dessert or become its dominatrix.

cleapow I literally just replied to a dm with, "Oh snap!" Why hello 1996, how good of you to stop by.

Dolanite 2 cars almost hit me this pedestrian costume sucks.

VaginaDrum Going to the DMV today. I hope at least one of them is dressed up as someone who gives a shit.

unsupervised The truth is comparatively few people were Kung Fu Fighting.

Aimee_B_Loved I don't know what's more of a hassle to clean up: ee cummings or ee leavings.

michaelianblack Went to my kids' elementary school Halloween parade. Disappointingly few "slutty girl" costumes.

WadetoBlack Too lazy to Google it right now, but did Clarissa end up explaining it all? I had to stop watching in college after I made some FBI list.

unsupervised To the couple parked on Lovers Lane last night: I was trying to tell you your tire looked low. Please return my hook hand.

artichoked Can't decide between tacos at Torchy's or Juan in a Million. Sometimes life is hard y'all.

adamisacson Watching my 5-year-old lift up her shirt and spin around in circles. I mean, "play soccer."

johndstearns You call it walking around the neighborhood drinking. I call it taking the kids trick-or-treating. To-may-to, to-mah-to. Happy Halloween!

thebenbrooks 2 1/2 yr old will NOT take off her costume and has just announced: "Papa, scary monster needs to poop!"

thebenbrooks FINALLY settled on my Halloween costume. It's part 70's tennis star, part religious fanatic. I'm going as "Bjorn Again Christian Borg"

Girl11Eleven For Halloween, my sister gave me a bag of Twilight themed chocolates and now I'm making Edward & Bella make sweet vampire love in my mouth.

VaginaDrum Tomorrow is the day when Halloween candy goes on sale & coincidentally the day I get up early & stand outside Target waiting for it to open.

xrayedman Fact: It is very hard to carve a pumpkin into a penis but not that hard to put a penis into a pumpkin.

AndeeD With the right essential oils and candles, I think this cough is big enough to produce a demon.

VaginaDrum My Halloween plans? Just gonna eat candy, turn the lights off, hide the car in the garage, and watch Ernest Scared Stupid...sexily.

FartSandwich When I'm at the grocery store, I walk around and pretend I'm harshly judging what's in your cart. Then I push mine by. Full of cupcakes.

blaine23 What do you mean I'm supposed to wear pants in the bouncy house? What kind of children's Halloween party is this?

JeeNeeBee NEVER send a man out for Halloween candy. Seriously? Trail Mix? ...I may have to egg my own house.

glitterplease Today's edition of @glitterplease is brought to you by the letters x, a, n, a, and x.

GSouder CRAP, YOU GUYS, THE ZOMBIE INVASION HAS STARTED, I KILLED THREE ALRE- Huh? WTF is a "halloween"? Anyone know where I can put three bodies?

gunthergreen Some guy handed out Chinese food tonight. And he dressed like a Chinaman. With a Chinese delivery decal on his car. And he fought me for it.

yokoono Thank you all for sharing your knowledge. Halloween has been a 2 dimensional concept now became 5th dimensional. Thank you. yoko

ajonathancox Trick Or Treater Tally so far: 1 pirate, 5 clone troopers, 2 ninjas, 0 Hitlers.

steveagee Where was I at 2 a.m. you ask? Oh I don't know...how about TIME TRAVELING BACK TO FUCKING 1 A.M.?! Go fuck yourself, H.G. Wells!

kolchak If you think YOUR self esteem is low, remember that somewhere out there is an actor who wasn't good enough to be in "Saw 6"

sortaconfused As I sit here before this mountain of candy, I realize: it's not too soon to start working on next year's Halloween costume: Big Fat Guy.

NotGiamatti Put way too much cheese in my cheese omelet, essentially making it an egg cheeselet.

jonconley I swear to god I better never find which neighbor plays those damn bells every Sunday morning

RexHuppke Chocolate chips pancakes. Cause the 214 mini Twix last night weren't quite enough to nudge me into the morbidly obese column.

knitterplease Is there a sleep Olympics? That's what I'm doing. Training. For that.

reverendross Sunday again. Time to gather up a mess o' quarters & wash the salsa and fried chicken grease outta the ol' bedsheets.

debenham My 7yo is out driving his Powerwheels in yard, shirtless. If it were an ATV, and he in unlaced workboots, he could be from my hometown.

hotdogsladies I kinda like when people make a big drama of unfollowing me; same way I break up with banana peels. "No, I throw YOU away! YOU HEAR THAT?!"

CourtneyReimer Pharmacy guy: "You just come from the marathon?" Me: "Ha. No." Guy: "The gym?" Falling back an hour has evidently been quite aerobic for me.

saraschaefer1 Man selling pirated DVDs in the laundromat while 60 Minutes plays on the TV. It's a piece about DVD piracy. Who said irony was dead?

kristenoversix "Listen, I haven't figured out that fingerprint thing, but you totally look like you killed that guy and stuff." ~Me as a detective.

FriedWords I think the voice in my head sounds like Oprah, or maybe it's just Nell Carter. Either way, this fifth donut should shut her up for awhile.

Rayke Sure. Ryan Howard never touched the plate. But A-Rod fucked Madonna. So. I think it's a wash.

ajonathancox I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the shit that guy says his dad says is shit that his dad doesn't really say.

WadetoBlack I don't need a deerstalker hat, pipe and magnifying glass to figure out that there's no chance I'm seeing Sherlock Holmes in the theater.

michaelianblack Can we agree it's okay to start eating dogs? Not all. Just the friendly ones who want you to be happy. Like Lassie.

I_am_JMan Are pedophiles attracted to midgets too?

amywithlemon I really like Ben Fold's song 'Brick'. That baby dies at least twice a day in my car.

RexHuppke I either have a candy hangover or I'm having a stroke. Not sure which is less cool.

kolchak I guess "Has anyone ever told you that you look like the murderer from last week's 'monk?" is not a good enough compliment for some people.

Rayke The Bible is a lot like Star Wars in the sense that the original testament is *way* better than the shit that came out later. Also: Robes.

lefauxfrog I'll know I've made it when someone adds me to a "funny" Twitter list that doesn't include the words "unintentionally" or "looking".

matt_bearden Pretty sure my dog has developed an eating disorder. He'll only eat alone. At night. And he won't take his shirt off at the pool.

ChrisSpags Facebook just sent me a message saying they took down a photo of mine for a Terms of Use violation.Apparently my kitten needed to wear pants

VaginaDrum Hootie & The Blowfish song playing in the hotel lobby. Must not get drunk off wine coolers, strip down to bra and cry like last time...

blaine23 How do I know my daughter is the cutest 3 year-old in the neighborhood? Everyone tells me how adorable she looks pushing that big lawnmower.

hotdogsladies Either Curious George is the best-written show on TV or I'm writing Larry King's USAToday column. Also Liza Minnelli is a national treasure.

I_am_JMan Checking out the NFL cheerleaders slideshow on SI.com. The Cincinnati Ben-gals are more Ben than gals. I guess pom-poms have a caste system.

Dianneamus Happened to notice the color of my bedroom floor. Who knew it wasn't the color of dirty jeans and underwear?

janiehaddad I just heard a train in the distance and I drove through heavy fog tonight. Am I supposed to be solving a murder?

Tony_D I'm so hungry, I'm gonna be all over this omelet like Jeffrey Dahmer on a hitchhiker. Too soon?

Dolanite Wearing my sweater buttoned at the top like a cape. Even Super Villains get cold in the office and need a cardigan once in a while.

Caissie Breastfeeding woman on train fell asleep, then baby dozed off, leaving her boob out. Hope it's MOST awkward jostle I have to commit today.

CranberryPerson Dilemma is spelled with one "L," not two, unless your confusion specifically relates to pickles.

RexHuppke Folding the newspaper, he dropped a piece of bacon into his coffee. He fished it out, then smiled. Something amazing was about to happen.

JephKelley Just checked my 401(k) balance. So long as I only live until mid-December, I could retire right now and never work another day in my life.

ajonathancox "Listen baby, this is real life. It's not all bedknobs & broomsticks out there." <-- I vow to work this into a conversation w/ my wife.

diplo I think this "dentist" is the same guy that stole my car from downton

davio1962 "Your usefulness is limited and then you only serve to weigh us down... You are the cast iron umbrella of this company."

Ulanice Taking a shower just to put in the same shirt as yesterday? Sounds like SUCCESS at life to me!

CleverUserName Everyone at the nursery tells me the same thing: "No, sir, we don't carry Crunchberry shrubs." Then they ask me to leave.

hotdogsladies Lotta Weezer songs are variations on "Pictures of Lily." Only the lady who makes Rivers masturbate died before he was born JUST to hurt him.

slag_mag Mike Huckabee's new Xmas book was charming until Rudolph's red nose was deemed a preexisting condition and he was dropped by Blue Shield.

gunthergreen The cool thing about oatmeal stout is it combines two of my favorite things into one easy-to-drink beverage: Alcohol and something else.

trixieboots Who knew that "round-robin" was originally a nautical term? Even more surprising, I did *not* learn this from a Decemberists song.

navanax BBQ Sauce in the bedroom leads to cannibalism.

bumpcrud The CEO is getting tear-y & saying I'm the best worker he's seen. My only thought is, "I think I left It's Always Sunny playing at my desk."

CourtneyReimer A study says internet addicts aren't less likely to go out. The small print adds: Except for those who never put on pants.

thomaslennon Sucks that swine flu season is gonna overlap with orgy season. Bummer.

WadetoBlack It's a tax-free weekend on energy-saving appliances in NC. I hope that includes a Roomba. I'll save craploads of energy by not vacuuming.

EricBarbaric At work i sit near the womens restroom, so i like to give them a thumbs up as they go in. i think they really appreciate it

slag_mag This computer is so slow that it actually calls for a real postman to come open Outlook.

davio1962 This constant throat-clearing is doing me no favors in regards to my quarterly Ninja Performance Review.

WadetoBlack After surgically removing all of the walnuts from this free brownie with a paperclip, I've realized I missed my calling. As a crazy person.

CleverUserName I think that even if the show "Growing Pains" cured cancer, it would still be best-known for having a character named Boner. Viva la Boner!

chrisilluminati Guy walking my neighborhood, looking and each house, and checking things on clipboard. Hope that's the awesome list and I get a check.

factualfiction Just read in the paper that Prince Charles "used to have fantasies that he was Camilla's tampon." Anyone know how to 'un-read' something?!

CranberryPerson If X < x =" the" y =" the" i =" in">

Kathy_L This new key says "Yale" on it. I am totally using it as credentials at my next job interview. "Of course I went there. I have a key."

michaelianblack Sometimes when I poo I'm pretend I'm having a baby out my butt. Then I flush and whisper, "Bye, bye baby."

WadetoBlack My career goal is simple: Make enough $$ to buy a few fancy things for my kids like rich people can. Such as Oreos when they aren't on sale.

Thaozilla To answer all these DMs: No, "laundromat" isn't an euphemism for my lady part.

kolchak In other news, all of Jefferson Starship have committed suicide when it was revealed that this city was built, in fact, on opera.

FriedWords Sorry, but when you named your dog 'Ninja' I just assumed you taught him how to catch arrows with his mouth. RIP Ninja.

Dolanite I bet when your a wizard there's a fine line between doing magic and crapping your pants. Just ask Gandolf.

Caissie My driver keeps talking about how he recently stopped "using" Coca-Cola. Wonder how often he goes to CCA meetings.

adamisacson Haven't figured out this hotel shower head. I just looked up while shampooing and waterboarded myself. I provided no useful intelligence.

WadetoBlack I'm wearing this band-aid on my cheek today to distract people from the obvious look of "I Just Don't Give a Shit" on my face.

Aimee_B_Loved Do these leggings make me look too "trying real hard to hide the death rattle of her youth"?

hollisgillespie I have to bring something "harvesty" to my girl's school's potluck tonite -- So I said to put me down for two dead deer hides full of mead.