Cool Shit 4/25

When comedians attack...each other!

Full admission (as though what I'm about to say is juicy - which it is most assuredly not) there's a not so insignificant chunk of me that would like to participate in the Iditarod. That my chances of making that happen are probably slim, reading this article about it is probably the next best thing. (Also, it's got a really cool interface, if my admission didn't hook you.)

Good lord, this guy had a lot of time and Legos.

A month to go before new Arrested Development episodes. Here's a look at some new character posters just released.

Here's a video of Tilda Swinton dancing to a Barry White song at Eberfest 2013. Pretty sure there's nothing more I can add to that.



(Really I just added this hoping someone would find this blog by searching "Tilda Swinton dances to Barry White.)

Ever wondered what it would take to recreate the roof scene from the original Matrix on a no $ budget?



And finally - before you insult the police for pulling you over, take a moment and recognize everything they have to deal with. At least it wasn't a panther...

Cool Shit 3/27

Oh those crazy Russians, sneaking to the top of the pyramids and taking photos.

I had no idea The Real World existed past 2001. Then again, I'm old.

Who better to learn comedy from than other comedians?

I want to believe this video purportedly showing one of President Obama's secret service agents transforming into a reptilian creature was created to be completely serious; there's just no way my rational mind will allow that thought to take.

Los Angeles Cline Comedy Crawl Preview

I love the Philly area. I really do. Sure it could be warmer, and not have the Phillies. But other than that, it’s gay-with-3-a’s faaabulous.

But there are times when I get jealous of other cities.

Usually, it’s a simple pining for to say I’m from Truth or Consequences, New Mexico or even Beer Bottle Crossing, Idaho.

But sometimes, not always, I wish I lived in NY or LA. If you listen to comedy podcasts, and that’s a thing that I do, you hear hosts and guests alike plugging their shows. They’re cheap, stacked to the rafters with name-brand comedians, and pretty much every night of the week. The depth and breadth of shows is mind-knuckling.

So when the girlfriend and I were discussing where to go for a post-Holidays mini-holiday as a Xmas present to each other, LA jumped to mind. So two $300 Virgin America tickets later, we were knee-deep in comedic possibilities. You know, like that time you stood up in the hot tub at the family reunion.

Like a funny Bonnaroo, tough decisions will need to be made. Or we’ll just see half of every show. After the jump, it’s a recap of all the shows I’ve found about so far, along with clips and referential humor.

Splitsider and The Comedy Bureau have been vital for my research, so props to them. Now on to the list before I find any more potential shows I have to write about.

Saturday 1/12

8 - Thrilling Adventure Hour (Largo @ The Coronet - $27)

This is one of my favorite podcasts, and the thought of seeing it live embiggens my soul. It’s the only must-see show on this page.

The conceit is that these are original radio plays performed by a troupe of talented comedic actors. Paul F. Tompkins, Paget Brewster, Busy Phillips, Nathan Fillion, Patton Oswalt, John Hodgman, Colin Hanks, Joshua Malina, Alison Brie, and I can’t continue any list after mentioning Miss Brie. She’s a list-stopper.

The writing is whip-smart, hilarious, and often more touching than it has any right to be.

There are several recurring “shows” within the Thrilling Adventure hour, but the 2 main ones are “Beyond Belief” and “Sparks Nevada, Marshall on Mars”. Underrated is “Captain Laserbeam”, especially since they added a gravelly-voiced Dark Knighty character (Phillip Fathom).

Beyond Belief stars my comedic hero Paul F. Tompkins and Paget Brewster as a Frank & Sadie Doyle, a pair of happily married and joyfully alcoholic NY socialites who see ghosts and solve supernatural mysteries. They are ridiculously good at delivering the silliest of lines. I could listen to Paget recite names of African animals all day. Also they talk about and drink booze a lot.  It’s episodic, but the depth comes from the love & devotion the characters have for each other. Here’s an older snippet:

Winnie Cooper getting all femme fatale

The other “headliner” is Sparks Nevada. It’s the story of a Earthling (Marc Evan Jackson) who becomes a sheriff on the Wild West-like planet of Mars. He takes himself a little too seriously, is not emotionally available, and is easily grossed out. Also, he has robot fists. He has a Martian sidekick Croach (Mark Gagliardi) who is a stickler for the pronunciation of his home planet and for the varying levels of “onus” that tie him to Sparks. There’s an on-again, off-again love affair with The Red Plains Rider (Busy Phillips), and countless other opportunities to make puns that mix the old west with outer space (e.g. there’s a showdown with a robot called “Techs”).

This has longer story arcs, character development, and genuine pathos. You actually come to care about these characters, which is the basic litmus test for good fiction.

This is not the best clip, but trust me, it’s good. This MP3 is a better example.

I’m totally from Earth too! We have so much in common…

Midnight - Tomorrow! with Ron Lynch ($8)

Given that we’ll be leaving Philly at 7:30AM on Saturday, I doubt we’ll be up for this midnight show. But if we are, it sounds interesting.

Here’s a 6-year old “best-of” reel.

There are lots of Community bit players in this video.

Plus, it has Brendon Small, who made Home Movies.

McGuirk = Proto-Archer.

Sunday 1/13

7:30 – Asssscat (UCB-FREE)

Free improv with Matt Besser, Ian Walsh, Andrew Daly, & Ian Roberts? Yes, please.

This looks like a pilot for a Comedy Central show. I would have watched the hell out of this. And not just because it mentions Al Albert’s Showcase!

I probably won’t see Amy Poehler AND Tina Fey, but I better see one of them, goddamit.

Then there’s this one, which is like an unaired Comedy Central pilot for Date Rape Cops.

“Yeah, but I’m the guy who showed up…”

8 – Rob Delaney & Friends (Largo – $25)

He might be the funniest guy on Twitter. 

He likes his women like woman think women should be liked.

9 - Power Violence (Complex Hollywood – $?)

This show starts off with moshing and seems to devolve into a ramshackle mix of standup, sketch, and not sure what else. Zach Galifianakis made an appearance this year, so that’s something.

Yep.

9:30 – Hot Sauce (UCB – $5)

This show is sold out, and why wouldn’t it be? You’ve got Jean-Ralphio from Parks & Rec and the one decent male character on Happy Endings. And a squirrelly third guy I don’t know.

There is a stand-by line, so we may try to get into that and then just yell at the third guy to name something he’s been in.

Jean-Ralphio’s hair was very Jean, not very Ralphio at this point in their career.

Not since Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa has there been such a Oreo Double Stuffy romance.

I love the almost Dennis Farina reference.

 

Monday, 1/14

7 – Hot Tub with Kurt & Kristen (Virgil – $6)

This was a weekly show in Brooklyn  that I always meant to see, but never got the chance. Now I do. We’ll need to decide between this and What’s Up Tiger Lily?, but this week’s lineup which features Paul Scheer, Jonah Ray, Jon Daly, & Jane Borden probably trumps WUTL?’s lineup of Marc Maron & some other guys and gals.

Love Kristen Schaal, and the spirit exhibited in this non-embeddable video seems fresh and fun and then fresh again.

7:30 – Eddie Izzard (Largo - $25)

You may think I’m crazy, but this “Works in Progress” show will probably lose out to one of the other shows with multiple comedians. Oh well, we’ll always have Mystery Men.

Someone took the time to take this clip and post it to YouTube. It’s over, man.

8 – What’s Up Tiger Lily? (Hollywood Studio Bar – FREE)

Maria Bamford and another blond host this show, which has had some killer lineups in recent weeks. Based on name recognition alone, however, this week, as mentioned above, is a bit underwhelming. Marc Maron would be interesting, but I’m not familiar with the other comedians. Feel free to correct me about how wrong I am, man.

This is the only clip I could find, so it is what it is.

Secretly filmed behind a menu.

11 – Stage Four (Anthony Jeselnik – $5)

Saw AJ at the Troc last year and it was just OK. He crafted great jokes, but every joke was pretty much the same Roast format that has jump-started his career. It got repetitive. As the clip below, shows, he’s capable of different things, so may be 11 PM on a Monday will bring a little more variety.

But if we go to this, we might be able to see Amy Schumer bend over and pick stuff up.

This is damn good.

 

Tuesday, January 15th

7 – Doug Loves Movies (UCB – Free)

Another of my favorite podcasts. Host Doug Benson has a loose format that involves guests discussing movies they’ve seen recently, then playing movie-centric games. Games you’d play on long car rides to pass the time.

The best game is The Leonard Maltin Game, in which the contestants try to guess a movie based on unhelpful clues from Leonard’s review of said movie. Oh, and they can bid Name That Tune-style on how many actors (from bottom-billed upward) they get as extra clues.

It’s very much dependent on the guests. sometimes the games provide fodder for comedy (i.e. people don’t understand the game) and sometimes no one cares about the games.

The best eps I remember are (1) Paul F. Tompkins impersonating 3 different celebrities (Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, Garry Marshall, & Ice T) and (2) TJ Miller, Jeff Garlin, and Pete Holmes, who’ve all hijacked individual episodes, combined to take the podcast to Cuba. I think it was 10 minutes in before Doug got a word in edgewise. And they talked so long, not a single game was played or fuck given.

If Paul and Allison Brie made a baby, I would imprint the shit out it.

 

Are we done yet?

8 – Put Your Hands Together (UCB – $5)

This is taking over Comedy Bang Bang’s long-running Tuesday night  slot, so there’s a lot of breathy anticipation about it. They haven’t listed the comedians yet, but its debut show had a great lineup and good word.

May have to decide between this and Holy Fuck.

One benefit is that people who go to the DLM show can stay for this one.

A Flock of Seagulls called and want their royalties because they signed a shitty licensing deal.

9 – Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction

This probably gets squeezed out, but it’s a great concept, and it has Dan Telfer who makes the best dinosaur humor.

The best dinosaur is the one in your heart.

9 – Holy Fuck! (Downtown Independent Theater – FREE)

They’re recording an album over 4 different shows with some pretty cool comedians:

TJ Miller
Eric Andre
Sean Patton
Andy Peters
Hampton Yount
Raj Desai
Lizzy Cooperman
Sean Green
Jake Weisman
Matt Ingebretson
Jeff Wattenhofer
Dave Ross

It’s getting ironically romantic all up in here!

9:30 – Flyover Comedy (Hollywood Improv – $14)

Koechner!

Kasher!

Sklar!

Sklar!

I do miss Cheap Seats.

Hardcore Hall & Oates

Nothing would please me more than if Hall & Oates took their delicious brand of Philly soul, added a touch of gangster rap and released an album. NOTHING!

Juggling done right...

Sure, you might think to yourself, I've seen juggling acts before, and they're nothing special. Or maybe you've never seen a juggling act because you've thought to yourself, yeah, I don't think I can sit through a juggling act and be entertained.

Well, give this one at least one minute, and I'll be surprised if you don't stick around for the whole thing.

RIP Steve Landesberg

If you don't know who Steve Landesberg is, then shame on you.

Deadpan delivery, the man was a great comedic actor. I feel bad that his death is what reminds me about how good he was on Barney Miller. And if you're not a Barney Miller fan, then shame on you more!

Comedy and Cinema - the Past 30 Years

Comedy is obviously a very subjective concept. What's funny to you may be painfully unfunny to me (I'm looking in your direction According to Jim) and vice versa (I'm looking in your direction sweet, lovable Get a Life). But I'm willing to bet in the last 30 years at least one of the directors interviewed for this piece by GQ has made you laugh. And that's a powerful thing.

The Best Tweets of the Week 12/4 - 12/11

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...



VaginaDrum I try to insert conversations about period sex in almost everything I do. It's mostly why no one talks to me. Another reason? Beanie babies.

davio1962 I'm going to Costco at 9:30am in order to look for a great, big tub of "What The Hell Am I Doing At Costco At 9:30am ?".

debenham Got prescribed a muscle relaxant. I took it, but I can still make a fist and I haven't soiled myself. FAIL.

RexHuppke Kraft is trying to buy Cadbury? This means my dream of boxed macaroni and chocolate is tantalizingly close to being realized!

WadetoBlack Taylor Lautner AND Bon Jovi on SNL next week? Holy shit are the Twilight moms going to be in a good mood for their husbands Sunday morning.

wood Nobody ever says "Hey, look! Ninjas!"

WadetoBlack National Kidney Association called earlier asking if I had anything to donate. I freaked out & hung up before realizing they meant clothes.

hotdogsladies Who the fuck gives Lowly Worm a driver's license? Think, people. Think.

JephKelley Do you think Cobra Commander gets paper checks or does direct deposit? I just can't see him walking into a bank. Especially with that mask.

GSouder The woman behind me just ordered a six inch in a bun. I had no idea subway had anal on the menu

Girl11Eleven I before E except after C. Except in: Their, weird, neighbor, heists, codeine or 100s of other words. The rule will work for the word LIE.

baileygenine So it's, don't wear white after Labor day, don't wear black with blue and don't wear clothes under a trench coat, right?

Kathy_L I'm guessing the estimated "servings per container" of this cereal does not mean how many fistfuls I can stuff in my mouth in one sitting.

factualfiction Someone keeps leaving used tea leaves in the office sink. Had them read & was told I wont be caught if I kill the sloppy tea drinking bitch.

hotdogsladies Key to finding a quiet, solitary place to smoke a cigar is to show up literally anywhere smoking a cigar. Mere seconds: ALL yours.

robdelaney Methinks *SOMEBODY's* getting laid tonight! (If it's you, may I watch from behind a plant?)

drew42e Worst thing about parenthood is checking to see if the kids leftover milk cup is tonights, or last nights. 1/2 the time the taste is awful

slapclap I am a self-hating hoosier. Unless the movie Hoosiers is on. Then i'm a self-hating fan of Dennis Hopper career comebacks.

Dolanite I would swear a woman in disguise just tried to run me down outside my building, but it could be all the Remington Steele Ive been watching.

BeTheBoy The good thing about having friends who've been to prison is that they think my house is nicer than it is.

morgan_murphy Gotta skip therapy this mornin. Luckily I'm the picture of mental stability (or if not the picture, at least a drawing made with your blood)

gunthergreen I can tell I didn't drink as much as usual last night because I'm already hungover instead of still hammered.

artichoked Does anyone have any holiday cocktail recipes involving NyQuil & me not having to get out of bed today?

Ryan_Please When I'm away for awhile and it says "59 new tweets" when I return... Don't kid yourself.

WadetoBlack Part of me died earlier when I became the protagonist in the "It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring" song my kids were singing.

Dav3Ston3 Actor friends: before taking a role, take a moment to think of Mark Singer & wonder, if I play this part, will I be The Beastmaster forever?

debenham There's a fallen branch sticking straight up in my yard where I walked the dog earlier. It'd have killed me! If I were made of sod.

glitterplease Someone at work got me sick. Again. I'm gonna spread typhoid like my name is Mary at this bitch and teach these fuckers a lesson.

Aimee_B_Loved I want to be a dramatic re-enactor when I grow up. Preferably on Unsolved Mysteries.

Dav3Ston3 I have $7 in cash. I want you to know in case I'm mugged and killed today you can go on about how senseless it was that I was killed for $7.

michaelianblack Wife was offended when I said she smelled "yeasty."

tj Saw a rainbow: didn't make me want to fuck a dude. Found the end; no pot of gold. I'm starting to think rainbows are lying sons of bitches.

morgan_murphy someone stole the light off my bike. Now I know what it feels like to be brutally raped. (because that happened after my light was stolen)

Jim_Hamilton I drink to forget. But forget what? Aha, it's working!

xrayedman The 2 most deadly viruses on the earth: 1. Ebola 2. Any virus a pre-school toddler brings home from daycare.

johndstearns Looks like PeopleofWalmart.com has their own TV show now. Oh wait... that's just "Cops". My bad.

StillDrew Have a bottle of wine I've been saving for a special occasion. I don't think it gets more special than, 'because it's 7:42.'

RexHuppke The first wildly over-hyped winter storm of the season is always the best. The snowflakes taste like meteorologist tears.

Ryan_Please I hate when my FIL shows up without calling first. It's like he dosen't want me to fuck his daughter.

Bauart Some Walmart customers have a mullet; but for most, the mullet has them.

Rayke So far tonight I've watched Gossip Girl, and now Glee. Later tonight, the RW/RR Challenge finale. I'm one 90210 episode away from my period.

JephKelley I like how my hands smell after pumping gas. I may even start bathing in gasoline unless somebody has a good reason why that's a bad idea.

thebenbrooks I think "Waterloo" was ABBA's Waterloo.

Caissie The new AOL is like when we got a new dress for my Grammy's funeral. She looked OK, but she still didn't work.

DavidPressman How can I pleasure myself to Brady Quinn and @richeisen if Time Warner Cable refuses to carry the NFL Network? This sucks!

Dianneamus "I like to watch Dora the Explorer and yell expletives at her when she tells me to do things. It's good practice for when I have kids."

reverendross "Worst year of my life. Glad it'll over soon," she tells the cat. But the cat hears this every December and only cares about food.

GSouder Who ever invented traffic jams can suck it. Wait, is it "Who ever" or "Whom ever"? Whatever, grammar can suck it too.

MrBigFists I'm sending these Zhu Zhu Pet Hamsters off to the Island of Misfit Sex Toys. They're no substitute for the real thing.

CranberryPerson What is the point of existence if your favorite football squad isn't very good? TRICK QUESTION THERE IS NONE.

Aimee_B_Loved Whoever decided that chocolate fountains are only for special occasions is no friend of mine.

davio1962 That the 1st Hannukah lamp burned for 7 more days than predicted, proves that even in Biblical times, the oil companies couldn't be trusted.

AnthonyDeVito I hope Jenny McCarthy's new ABC Family film "Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe" ends with less bloodshed than "Santa Baby 1: No Witnesses."

FriedWords My oldest son just asked for something 'healthier' to eat instead of Lucky Charms. So yeah, he's no longer my favorite.

johnmoe Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug. Both times, of course, are when you're hallucinating. You're a person.

WadetoBlack Ironically wearing ugly holiday sweaters is the new unironically wearing ugly holiday sweaters.

CranberryPerson BOOM timesheets. BOOM clean my desk. BOOM think up less obnoxious way to convey the immediacy with which I complete menial tasks.

The Best Tweets of the Week 11/27 - 12/4

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...



debihope When I was your age, we didn't have any "sales" or "shopping", we stole clothes off random passerby! Friday was GRAY! And we LIKED IT!

RexHuppke Turkey and scrambled eggs. One person's abomination is another's....OK, this is actually just an abomination.

WadetoBlack A Massachusetts woman claims she saw an image of Jesus on the bottom of her iron. Holy shit! Women can iron? My wife is such a liar.

ajonathancox Fact: Bruce Banner stays home on Black Friday because he'll Hulk out in the Best Buy parking lot and ruin his car. Also, he's fiction.

VaginaDrum BF got a Snuggie for his bday & didn't want it so gave it to me. I've already filled the pocket with Oreos. He has no idea what he's done.

coachbaby4 The eyes are the nipples of the face.

Trick_or_tweet I'm growing my hair through telekinesis. Some argue that it would grow anyway, but they're just part of the conspiracy.

seancorcoran Earlier I went to the bathroom but forgot my iPhone. I was *so* bored.

GooseHonk Hubby said the sweetest thing to me today that I'm now determined to turn into a folk ballad: "You put the 'goose' in my goosestep."

JephKelley Time flies when you're drinking box wine and suddenly feel the need to prove how great your bare chest looks covered in hot candle wax.

davio1962 Loading up the minivan w/ family and driving 2.5 hrs to be with more family because apparently I did something real awful in a former life.

CranberryPerson I never thought of myself as dead inside, but I don't know how else to explain how my farts smell.

artichoked After two nights of wheat beer, my head is in a weizen.

debenham There was a numerologist on the Today Show who has me totally convinced! That numerology is the very dumbest thing there is!

FartSandwich Golden Retrievers are the Aryan race of dogs. In other news, I'm still retarded.

ajonathancox Sometimes you just have to say fuck it and take a third nap.

Girl11Eleven I didn't understand the weird looks until I realized my buying just a can of cat food and a large bag of breath mints probably did look odd.

WadetoBlack I just successfully folded a fitted sheet all by myself! My wife better step up her game. I'm one step closer to being self-sufficient.

Caissie My fantasy Dungeons & Dragons team is doing so poorly right now. Might as well hang it up until Rotisserie Magic the Gathering season.

D_MaeN : If I had I thought I had a soul, I very well might have shit mine out after Thanksgiving dinner.

afoolishwit My mother can't decide whether to watch 'A Dog Named Christmas' or 'The Dog Who Saved Christmas.' there is no punchline.

RexHuppke If it weren't for gravity, the remote wouldn't have fallen off the couch. Also, the couch could fly. Newton. What an asshole.

hotdogsladies A laconic celebrity golfer makes his pasty, fair-weather fans get all mad and pitchforky. At last. My perfect storm of who the fuck cares.

artichoked After 12 hrs sitting in the same seat, I was disappointed to walk outside & not be in Europe.

adamisacson Dropping the kid off at kindergarten on the way to meanergarten.

ajonathancox IPhone Scrabble wouldn't accept "dalek". That's bullshit.

debenham I've come to believe that people who drink coffee on the toilet are simply made of different human stuff than I am.

iamnotdiddy My son asked where I got my jokes. Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain "voices in my head" & "outsourced to China" to a kid?

WadetoBlack If I was President, I would keep the news of the 30,000 troops a surprise. Then again, my military experience comes from playing Stratego.

ajonathancox "Coffee may be for closers, but Fig Newtons are for winners." - Me, my new life motto.

Aimee_B_Loved Today is my mom's birthday. She says she's 29. Which pretty much makes her the whoriest 5-year-old ever.

AndeeD Just walked past the bathroom after husband used it. I think he's a secret sewage eater

DirtyGert Damn I got a piece of lettuce in the slidey part of my phone. I need a microscopic rabbit to go in there and fix it.

Dolanite The bathroom cleaners switched from blue toilet cleaner to red, it's festive! OH GOD I HOPE I'M NOT PISSING BLOOD.

tj Went for buffalo wings for lunch. Found out soup of the day is chili. Got both. Which is to say I've set aside 3-6pm as bathroom time.

lafix Sitting in my car I realize I forgot to put on underwear. Forgot is a strong word.

diablocody Made spaghetti carbonara last night, and it's a fine breakfast, too. Bacon, eggs, all the essentials. Garnish with a Pop Tart.

artichoked Tainted beef threatens school cafeterias across the country. In related news, porn industry reeling from beefy taint outbreak.

thebenbrooks "Do what you love and the money will follow." OK. I'll just spark up this J and wait for the Brinks truck to arrive.

TheMaskedBandit Dear Twitterverse, How hard is it to legally change your name? Sincerely, The Duke Of Pussyville

razorwitted Sure, kids GROW. But cheap PJs STRETCH. Problem solved.

debenham In this part of America in this part of December, it is 62 degrees. At 9-something AM. I'm drafting my apology to the Mayans.

goldengateblond Two trains leave opposite stations. One is going 70mph, the other is going 75mph. What time will I say I'm too fat for these jeans and cry?

WadetoBlack First Tiger Woods. Now Ron Wood from the Rolling Stones was arrested in a domestic altercation. Based on my SAT knowledge, John Woo is next.

trixieboots Lawn sign: "Merry Christmas! This is the month that God comes to earth!" Not to be confused with the other 11 months when we're just SOL.

Girl11Eleven Internet, phone & TV went out and at the same time it began to snow. Panic insued. I've had a glimpse of the Apocalypse and it isn't pretty.

QuinnK Fly: 1, Me: 0. This is the way all good battles start.

VaginaDrum My old diabetic cat lost a tooth. My dad is sending it to me in the mail. I told him, 'That's creepy' and he said 'Well it's in a bag.'

iamnotdiddy I'm going geocaching. And by "I'm going" I mean "I am" and by "geocaching" I mean "stealing shit out of people"s garages to pay for crack".

The Best Tweets of the Week 11/13 - 11/20

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

• I skew toward the amusing
• I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
• @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
• I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
• Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...





TheCline Between Community & Mad Men, I'm one plane ticket and a radiator away from Black Snake Moaning the hell out of Alison Brie.

Xytrex It's apparent she puts on her makeup by opening her cosmetics bag, shoving her face in side and shaking vigorously.

bestgirlbetty God DAMMIT. Used up my 1066th tweet and it wasn't about the Battle of Hastings. This just became the worst motherfucking birthday ever.

artichoked HOWARD THE DUCK is on. I saw this shit in the theater. Yep, even back then I was making good choices.

VaginaDrum Got an email from Kettle Chips extending an invitation to join their 'Inner Circle.' Seems like eating two bags a week has finally paid off.

linajk Shouldn't Captain Crunch be Admiral Crunch by now?

nathanrabin passed a lady destined to be the oldest woman at the bar tonight. There was a perfect symmetry between her leather pants and leathery hide.

VaginaDrum I need a way to sleep with the covers over my head while still being able to breathe comfortably. Something like a depression Snuggie.

drew42e With the wife out of town, thinking of going to Chuck E. Cheese's to kill a few hours. Now I just have to find somebody to watch the kids

johnmoe Thanks to Lego Star Wars, my family's living the dream of seeing Gen. Grievous and a Tusken Raider hanging out on Hoth for no reason.

WadetoBlack OMG, OMG, the new American Girl catalog just came in the mail!! I mean, oh shit stains, the new American Girl catalog just came in the mail.

FriedWords My son's friend is spending the night. I hope that means his parents are gonna have sex. Otherwise these night vision goggles were a waste.

Jim_Hamilton What happened? This bar was empty when I fell asleep and no one was paying money to put their balls in my mouth.

CourtneyReimer It's pretty clear that no member of Black Eyed Peas need be present in order for it to be considered a Black Eyed Peas performance.

JephKelley I don't think you need to go to church on Sunday to worship. For instance, I'm in bed praying to God that this hangover goes away soon.

ange_black Why do I *have* to wear pants to go get a coffee and a bagelwich? My underpants are clean. Clean-ish. Okay, I'll put on my fucking pants.

summersumz Say what you will about print journalism, it remains the best tool for drying out rain-soaked shoes.

Xytrex My back hurts pretty bad today. If it could talk it would probably say "What in the hell, I can talk?" Then it would complain about hurting.

mookiewilson86 The Jets' offense leads the NFL in making announcers comment, "They're lucky that one wasn't picked off." And SARS.

The_Sock_Puppet If I ever find out who wrote my phone # on the mens bathroom wall at the gas station, I'll thank them

Caissie May Matt Lauer never call me "an incredible lady" as a result of my face being chimped off. Lord, hear my prayer.

WadetoBlack I think I cut myself worse shaving on Mondays because subconciously I'm trying to find the jugular.

mrdavehill I am either too old or too young to have as many crumbs in my bed as I do right now.

CourtneyReimer People who pronounce it "Na-BOK-ov" are the same people who don't know Sting had a career before he became an easy-listening megastar.

iamnotdiddy I have a staff infection and by "staff" I mean "stupid fucking people I work with" and by "infection" I mean "I hate them."

FartSandwich Actions speak louder than words, especially if that action is shouting.

I_am_JMan I just realized that Destro is just destroy without the "y". Those Hasbro people are so clever.

WadetoBlack Lost: Work motivation. Last seen at the corner of April and May 2009. If found, euthanize immediately.

thebenbrooks After 12 years of marriage, I'll be the second to admit I've made some bad choices.

StillDrew You know what's like herding cats? Herding cats. But why would you want to? Now shooting cats in a barrel? I could get into that.

Jim_Hamilton I like the term "personal publishing." Every time I post a tweet, I call mom and yell, "I got published!"

deighvan I just noticed that during our illness my 2yr old's Kai-Lan doll has slept with everyone in this house. Kai-Lan is a sick ho.

xrayedman There is no 'I' in team and there is no 'Team' in Cleveland.

cravenheart The only way to get my wife into bed is to set a gin trap.

michellew_There's a large number of "hair restoration" people following me. Have they SEEN me? I've got more hair then Madonna's armpits in the 80's!

SarahKSilverman I keep confusing 9-11 and 7-11. Gotta stop going to ground zero for Nerds Rope.

DaveHolmes Somewhere there is hours of footage of Payton Manning and Justin Timberlake doing improv.

nerdist Ah, late-night PBS. A vegetable crisper of British leftovers.

diplo i hope I get hit in the head with a meteor

bestgirlbetty It's always sunny in my cleavage. With scattered showers of crumbs, yes, but it's always sunny.

MrBigFists I wish my neighbors would put blinds up in their bathroom window so I could stop climbing this tree every morning.

coachbaby4 Freedom of expression is important to me & that's why all my panties have messages on the back.

Caissie I don't mind if absorbed twins follow me, but no absorbed twin spammers! I don't want to see your abs0rb3dtw1nfvck3dv1ds, guys.

Aimee_B_Loved I can't think of a single image that would be as awesome and terrifying as jousting narwhals. Make that happen, Wild Kingdom.

kolchak It's not yellow snow. It's a ghetto icee.

knitterplease I am NOT listening to Christmas music. I'm listening to the holiday date-rape classic, "Baby It's Cold Outside".

RexHuppke Sorry, boss, nudity is not listed as a policy violation in the employee handbook. See for yourself. It's right here. In my lap.

RexHuppke This day is like watching a pair of mimes perform "Waiting for Godot."

VaginaDrum I've watched so many murder mysteries, I just keep them on in the background and listen for buzz words like 'semen' 'knife' and 'Nashville.'

WadetoBlack My wife's busy fake cooking in in her fake cafe in the Cafe World game on Facebook. I'm eating microwave hot dogs. Something is wrong here.

brashlionroars The dude from Kiss in the cat makeup totally drew the short straw

danlevyshow Just saw a guy who looks like the homeless me. I gave him in dollar in case there is some back to the future shit going on.

TheMadTurkey Tried to get some celebrity friends to help my cause by singing Do They Know Its Thanksgiving Time, but even the other Baldwins ignored me.

JeeNeeBee I just stuffed my washing machine so full, I'm going to have to rename it Kirstie.

RexHuppke Great. Along with a bad knee, nose hair and lower-back pain, I've started snoring. I'm a Matlock marathon shy of Geezerville.

razorwitted For us, it's just a speedbump in the week, but for Quasimodo, Wednesday was *his* day...

TheCline Me: How often should I change the filter in my new furnace? Him: Same way you do now. Every month or so. Me: [awesome poker face] Of course.

TheMaskedBandit Has anyone used 'Harry Chronic Jr.' for a weed name yet? If not, we need to be getting much more creative.

WadetoBlack When faced with the difficult choice between just two toilet stalls, I sometimes like to ask myself: What Would Robert Frost Do?

mrdavehill That movie "The Maid" was totally different from what I was expecting/not wearing pants for.

QuinnK My landlord got upset when I told him I was going to build a "fake" fire in my fake fireplace. (It's all about good finger quote placement.)

artichoked After my dog finishes eating, he wipes his mouth on the living room carpet. I assume he learned this behavior from my husband.

bestgirlbetty Early meeting at work this a.m. with a gunty woman. Adding "I got up early for gunt" to my "things I never expected to say" list.

Caissie I am using the new Fit or Fugly iPhone app to determine if the people around me are good looking or not. I was so tired of wondering!

StillDrew I bet when the officer asked if I knew why he had pulled me over he was looking for more than, “Meh.” Related: Tasers taste like burning.

keithglover I treat foreplay like a game of Tekken. I just move all my fingers as frantically as possible & pray I activate some sort of special move.

designbuff I keep forgetting to put on deodorant. Operation Hobo Transformation is a go! Next up: Fashioning a bindle stick and riding freight trains.

razorwitted It's a good thing Jesus wasn't beheaded, because a diamond-studded guillotine wouldn't make NEARLY as charming a pendant.

wood Ramen, chopped ham, dash of Sriracha & worcestershire, slice of cheese and a fried egg. I am the Iron Chef of sadness & disappointment.

Dav3Ston3 Today, on her first birthday, Mirabel learned of the joy and betrayal that resides within all rubberbands.

ajonathancox About to put the office nudity policy to the test!

Jim_Hamilton What has two thumbs and is done drinking and I mean it this time baby just LET ME IN THE GODDAMN HOUSE?!?

RexHuppke Agent: The eagle has landed. HQ: You've spotted the target? Agent: No. An eagle. It's magnificent! (Ornithologists make lousy spies.)

Caissie Now Twitter is asking me "What's happening?" If I find out Twitter is Raj, I"m going to be PSYCHED!

davio1962 I put that Math teacher in her place when I said my daughter wouldn't need her precious "Geometry", once she becomes an exotic dancer.

artichoked Snuggie commercial has a girl raising the roof, guy doing the cabbage patch & a dog with glasses. The snuggies are the LEAST shameful part.

slapclap Hell is Kid Rock concert footage, not other people (unless they go to Kid Rock concerts).

DaveHolmes Probably sometimes when people are trying to ironically type "teh," they mess up and type "the."

unsupervised Signing a birthday card after John Hancock must have been infuriating.

carolinekeith My problem of "I want to wear flats but this skirt looks better with heels" was solved with cleavage. Nothing can't be solved by boobs.