Rock of Love Bus: Handicapping the "Ladies"

I'm not what you would call a big reality TV fan.  But what I watch, I love with the single-minded determination of a John Hinckley snorting Ritalin.  For example, they cannot make enough Real World/Road Rules Challenges to satiate me.  Sure, the name doesn't roll off the tongue.  And it really doesn't roll off the tongue of someone who took speech classes as a youth specifically focusing on "R" sounds.  But if they ever stop enabling the real-job-getting-avoidance of C.T., Robin, Johnny Bananas, et al, I may have to kidnap them.  But then I'd have to hypnotize them into thinking that my garage is a 2-star Mexican resort and that raking my leaves counts as an "extreme challenge".  And that's a lot of work.

But I didn't come here to wax rhapsodic about that show.  I came here to swoon over the new season of VH-1's greatest creation ever (and that include The List). 

Rock of Love. On a bus.

I've included a breakdown of the trailer and of each of the women.  I've even added some Vegas-style odds for each.  I have high hopes, if not expectations.  Season 2 wasn't as good because it didn't have nearly the squad of characters that Season 1 had.  There was potential, with Kristy Jo (hottest chick from either season), Mombre, Daisy (aka Janice the Muppet), and the quote of the year (Aubrey's "I host karaoke. I know <pause> people"). Also, it didn't have Lacey's Dad, who still needs his own show.

Maybe getting out of that house will loosen things up.

Previous Popcorn TrickRoL Musings

Last season I broke down the best episode of the season ("Mud Bowl II").  And Goose recapped the Season Finale.

What's in a Name?

But before I can get to that, I have to break down a few flaws What troubles me most is some confusion about the girls' names.  I've counted 4-5 disparities between various pages on VH-1's site.  The RoLB home page links to both, so they're canon.  This is troubling.

Page 1: Thumbnails of all the girls

Page 2: A Blog on VH-1's site about the girls

1. Is this   "Laurie" or  "Taya"?
2. Is this "Marciela" or "Marcy"?
3. Is this "Kareena" or "Gia"?
4. Is this "Brittany" or "Brittanya"
5. You may have thought that I was splitting hairs with #4, but this is where it gets really confusing.  is listed as  "Jasmineva" on both pages.  But if you watch the trailer, they refer multiple times to a blonde named "Brittany" who is causing a lot of trouble.  There are no blondes named Brittany, and I'm almost entirely sure that the blonde in the trailer is "Jasmineva".

I'm not so naive as to think that these entrants might want to be known by something other than what is on their birth certificate.  It would be perfectly understandable.  But can't VH-1 get their shit together?!?  Weak.

 

Breaking Down the Trailer

VH-1 kinda snuck up on us with this one.  There hasn't been a lot of commercials for it on VH-1 that I've seen and this didn't get enough pub to land on my radar.  It's on the VH-1 home page, but it's not listed in their "Shows" menu.  Don't they know that they have one of the best shows in the history of shows?

I'm staying spoiler-free for tonight's premiere, even though it seems like they put it online 72 hours before the on-air debut.  I did watch the long-form trailer for this season:

 

• VH1 TV Shows
• Music Videos
• Celebrity Photos
• News & Gossip

 

Thoughts:

• Nice swerve with the mansion at the beginning.  Except, of course, if you didn't notice the word "Bus" in the title of the show.
• Bret's light bulb moment - "Then it hit me".  I'm sure the producers had nothing to do with wanting to change things up in the 3rd season after a kinda boring 2nd season.
• Farrah may or may not win (see her odds below), but coining the term "Blondtourage" has earned her a permanent place in my heart.
• "As the season progresses, you know I'm going to get a lot closer to these girls." Well, that's too hard to read between the lines. Is there a 3rd bus that he takes those lucky enough to receive his thrustings?
• It took 3 seasons for someone's implant to pop?  The over/under was 1.5 and I put a bundle on the under. I have the worst luck
• The way this clip is edited, it seems like the chick who wants Bret to "feel her music" also has done some "adult" movies.  Interesting, because Taya is a Penthouse Pet and was on Howard Stern recently. Are there 2 porn performers this season, or is this bait and switch. 
• Speaking of things that smell bad, apparently the state of Alabama smells like vagina (or vice versa).  I never knew that.  While "Alabama" is nice to experience occasionally, I'm not sure I could get used to smelling "Alabama" all the time.  Especially given the radical shifts in weather that "Alabama" can endure.
• Cage dancers look down on pole dancers.  Given their relatively higher elevations, that's understandable..
• Mud Bowl III !!!!!
• "I'm like broken-hearted. I feel like maybe he doesn't like me." -- Words uttered by a crying blonde in a bridal veil on a bus in a reality show where the ultimate prize is Bret Michael's heart.  My Patheticometer is red-lined.
• Big John yelling at the girls that "I specially asked you guys not to be slutty".  This might be the most unintentionally funny thing ever yelled.  Did BJ not see the episode last year where they entertained old people (old army people) with a show that was a c-hair away from showing full intercourse?
• It took me a few viewings to realize that they are emphasizing Bret's use of the overused phrase "throw me under the bus" on a show that takes place almost entirely on buses. That's ballsy.
• There's a lot going on in this clip.
  • Fighting Brawling
  • Choking
  • Spitting
  • Pratfalls (did the brunette break her vagina falling off the stage?)
  • Hospital trips
  • Speed bump humping
  • Vegas
  • Obvious cock joke
  • Most interestingly, someone whose departure everyone cheers.  Could we have a villain as good as Lacey?  Fingers are crossed.

The Odds

I'm going to try and extend my mastery of setting age over/unders for Comcast On Demand Video Dating to real Vegas-style oddsmaking.  I have not read any bios, and the extent of my research is looking at these picks and watching the trailer.

These are, except when noted, odds to become Bret's Rock of Love.  In other words, these are the odds to do what Berenger promised in Major League. 

"Win the whole damn thing!"

 

         *

Ashley If you see her other photos, she has no tats on her right arm.  Does she enter different rooms (e.g. church vs. backroom biker gang bang) leading with different arms? Odds: 20:1	Beverly Maybe if this was  "Rock of Love: Closing Time at TGI Fridays".  I'm not saying Bret hasn't had girls worse than this, but she's got no shot. Odds: 5000:1
Brittany/Brittanya Another one with a huge disparity of arm tattoo volumes.  She's a hotter, more exotic version of the Ukrainian Love Bus from last season. Odds: 8:1	Constandina That only things scarier to Bret than that bindi are paternity tests. Odds: 100:1
Farrah Generic tanned busty blonde. Has a bit of Heather from Season 1, but not as many miles.  Also, did I mention she coined the term "Blondtourage"? Odds: 5:1	Heather Interesting choice for facial expression during the photo shoot.  I see that expression a lot on women I meet when I ask if they've ever seen Havoc. Odds: 30:1
Jasmineva/Brittany? Incredibly large breasts.  I wonder if Bret will notice.  She also seems insane from the Trailer so I think she lasts for a while. Odds: 20:1	Kareena/Gia Right out of the Daisy mold, minus the weird eyes and beach ball lips.  Skanky? Yup  Hot? Indubitably.  Any kind of personality (i.e. willingness to make out with Bret) and she could last a while.   Odds: 15:1
Kelsey By far, the cutest girl on this list.  She may look clean-cut, but I'm guessing she's "earned" her way backstage a couple of times. That's a lethal combination, at least with me. Odds: 15:1	Laurie/Taya Not just a Penthouse Pet, she's the Pet of the Year.  You would think she'd be a shoo-in.  But I'm guessing she violates the 2 Laws of Reality TV Dating Shows: (1) Thou Shalt Not Use the Show to Advance Your Career and (2) Thou Shalt Not Have Been On Another Reality Show Or In Porn, Softcore or Otherwise. Odds: 150:1
Marcia She could be formidable, even though Bret has not fallen hard for a brunette. Odds: 25:1	Marciela/Marcy She adds a little Latin spice to the bus, but is a little think in the middle.  Should be good for a few screaming matches, but not much else.  Also looks like Tina from RW/RR Challenges. Odds: 50:1
Maria 2 mamacitas and no Asians or amputees?  C'mon casting director. Odds: 30:1	Megan Has a little girl next door thing going, but not much else.  Unless she's a total whore, she's going home early. Odds: 50:1
Melissa Right up Bret's alley and nowhere near mine. Odds: 12:1	Mindy If the trailer is to be believed, she spends some alone time with Bret and she talks about her emotional quandary of loving someone who never takes off a bandana.  She also looks like porn star Stephanie Cane (NSFW). Odds: 12:1
Natasha Very attractive urban beauty. She shows some fire in the trailer too.  Odds: 125:1 Odds That She's Voted Out In The First Episode: 10,000:1	Nikki Did they clone Frenchy and softern her edges a bit?  I love that in her "other" photos, she's down to a bra, daisy dukes and clear stripper heels.  Everyone else has the same clothes in all their pictures.  VH-1 may run out of pixels to obscure her assets. Odds: 2000:1
Samantha This picture speaks for itself.  Except I can't stop there.  It's like a sexier (if that's possible) Molly Shannon with fake boobs and leopard skin pants.  The phrase "cougar" will be thrown around with reckless abandon. Odds: 150:1	Stephanie She'd be #2 on my list after Kelsey.  I like her. Odds: 10:1

Links of Interest 7/17

Though I'm not sure being compared to William Friedkin is such a bad thing, maybe M. Night should get a hold of things before starting his next movie.

Some movie quotes no one ever gets right.

Rock of Love 3? Sign me up! We'll definitely be on top of it here at The Popcorn Trick.

Stuff you can't see using Google.

Rogue NASA scientists creating their own rocket? Fantastic.

Little Giants 2 (f. Daisy as IceChest)

VH1's transcendent, infuriating, head-scratching Rock of Love 2 is like the awkward kid brother who follows his cooler older brother to high school. He's mostly vanilla and suffers by comparison to his predecessor. But he shows enough flashes of talent, that you're pulling for him to realize his potential.

The metaphor collapses when you realize that the kid brother is STD-free and has no desire to bang a bandannaholic like Bret Michaels.

But that doesn't mean you stop watching...

The original Rock of Love had an unbeatable threesome of characters in Biker Heather, Lead Hologram Jess and Batshit-Crazy Lacey. When someone named Rodeo is the 6th or 7th-most intriguing character, you've got a deep roster. And I'm not even giving Sam, Brandi M., or Tiffany ("Don't threaten me with a good time...") the time they deserve.

There was drama, but none of it seemed forced, and there were actual confrontations, usually thanks to Lacey.



And EVERYONE got drunk and partied, sometimes to vomitous excess.




This year, all of the "drama" is over-hyped, staged, and boring. Nothing ever happens, someone ends up crying anyway, and then they get to talk to Bret in his room. Hey, remember when you had to perform sexual acts to get in there last year? Now, there's a key hidden beneath a fake rock outside the door.

The girls idea of "partying" this year is some white wine by the hot tub. Christ, my parents throw down harder than that. Granted, on the first night someone got ossified on whiskey and was in a light coma during the first elimination ceremony. Maybe that scared some girls straight. But how are we going to get a drunken catfight or make-out session if these whores don't start pounding some tequila?

I was hoping the season turned a corner last week with the unbeatable combination of Bret's Eye-talian catchphrase ("Whatsa-goin-on?") and a never-ending stream of horrible Aubrey decisions:

1. Nagging Bret for not paying enough attention to her.


2. "I host karaoke. I know... people."


3. Not removing her Fangoria-esque make-up & hair from the pinup session.


4. Sacrificing herself for Kristy Jo, when she was going to get booted anyway.


5. Acting like KJ was her dejoined Siamese twin instead of a nude model who she's known for 2 weeks.

But Episode 5 ("Mud Bowl II") just continued the maddening mix of awesome and suck.

First, the awesome:

Mud Bowl 2

Holy crap, there was more drama and heart in this game than most Eagles games this year.

Now that Collinsworth & the gang over at Inside the NFL aren't doing anything, can they break down this game?

First there was kinda-old, kinda-hot, kinda-misspelled Ambre doing an Adrian Peterson impersonation in the first half for the Sweethearts.

But no runner can succeed without a great offensive line, and AD is no exception. Watch her second TD (when she got tackled at the goal line by Daisy (more on her later), and Catherine springs her by sealing off the edge by blocking 3 of the Fallen Angel defenders. OK, maybe she held a little, but what Big John doesn't see, Big John can't call. It was a veteran move, and if there's one word that sums up Catherine, it's "Veteran". Or maybe it's "Shoe-Leather-Faced-Elvira-Impersonator".

The Fallen Angels made some Belichickian adjustments at halftime and realized that the Sweethearts had no one besides Ambre, so they concentrated on stopping her. They did just that, as she was held scoreless the rest of the way.

As the game wore on, I can only guess that one of Daisy's funbags was punctured and began leaking HGH. She went from having never played football to a fearsome combination of Ladanian Tomlinson, Christian Okoye, & Spike Hammersmith in a couple of hours. It was a second half for the ages, as Daisy showed some of the fighting spirit in her blood (she's somehow related to Oscar De La Hoya) by repeatedly earning tough yards and moving the chains.

So the Fallen Angels tie it at 2-2 as the clock hits zero in regulation thanks to Bret's Ukrainian Love Bus, Inna.

The Sweethearts get the ball to start OT, and Bret "The Lost Manning" Michaels actually calls a run-pass option play. In a game preceded by him claiming his godhood because Big John could trigger rain, snow, wind, & locusts by pushing a button. This really happened.

Now we're down to the most controversial play of the entire game. It's a hand-off to All-Day Ambre who breaks a couple of tackles and has one skank standing between her and immortality. So what happens? Her own player appears to knock the ball out of her hand and it's a FUMBLE! I'm guessing there's some Earnest Byner in Ambre's gene pool.

One commercial break, several slo-mo montages, and a distorted sound effect collage later, we see that pint-sized dynamo Daisy recovered the fumble. She's of course down by contact because of the mass of bodies going for the ball. Right?

Right?!?

Nope. Big John must've been fixing his do-rag because the whistle never blew. The whistle. Never. Blew.

Daisy, bless her little silicone heart, picks it up and runs it back for the game-winning score.

Wow.

If any of these girls had a clue about football, the Sweethearts would have gang-tackled Big John and used their fists & beaks to open several new orifices.



I'd put this game up with the 82 Miami-San Diego playoff game, the 2004 Pats/Rams Super Bowl, and that episode of Double Dare where the one family with the ugly daughter finished the Obstacle Course with a second to spare.

Still with me? Good. Here's the suck:

Everything Else

Mud Bowl II annoyances:

• Each TD is worth 1 point?!? This isn't soccer. You don't need to kick extra points, but just make them all worth 7.


• Speaking of kicking, what's with the thrown "kickoffs"? Bret couldn't punt the length of the approximately 20 yard-long field? Weak.


• In order for anyone not named Ambre to catch the ball, Bret had to use a special limp-wristed throwing style that could only launch delicately thrown shot puts.

Notegate:

All the promos promised a big Megan/Peyton (Rodeo Jr.) catfight b/c Megan unapologetically (to the camera, anyways) took down not 1, but 2 of Peyton's horrible notes for Bret. Peyton talked a big game, but never even got in Megan's face, even when Bret said the Megan was the only one who left him a note. Maybe the payoff's coming later on. I was hoping Peyton would use that giant set of balls her manly visage indicates she has, and start stirring some shit.

Backstage Pass Ceremony

Terrible. I hate when reality shows don't have the guts to follow their own rules.

Bret seemingly kept ugly-pajama-wearing Catherine & Peyton (who I *think* Bret played the Biz Markie card on earlier in the day) and jettisoned hot, slutty, but maybe kinda annoying Daisy. Yes, Mud Bowl II MVP Daisy. The same one.

Daisy was legitimately (and understandably) crushed that 2 women with at least 80 miles of bad road between them were staying, while she was getting the boot.

But no, Bret decides to Peyton-out and not eliminate anyone. What the fuck? I know it's a stupid reality show, but that seemed needlessly cruel and manipulative towards Daisy, even by stupid reality show standards.

So a gutty, gritty Mud Bowl II was followed up by all kinds of pussing out. Come ON.

Quote of the Night (paraphrased):

It, like a looming hysterectomy, belongs to Catherine:

"My heart was racing so bad, it felt like I had arrhythmia!



Neither the first, nor the last time that crone's experienced a heart condition. Here's hoping none of the challenges involve microwaves because her pacemaker probably can't take it.

Still, I can't wait for next week, when Rodeo returns, and the cowboy-themed challenge "all comes down to the greased pig competition".