Thursday, November 27, 2008

Week 13 NFL PIcks with Goose - Desperate Times call for sexy redhead measures

As you may or may not have read, I am behind Cline with my picks. While I am still confident I am going to win, and thus be able to bathe in a tub full of Schlitz while gorging myself on only the finest buffet sushi, there is a bit of concern with how many games are left. (That Green Bay, fighting for their division, went down to New Orleans on Monday night and bombed, I mean, how can you be a fan of that team right now? It almost makes me want to root for Favre). And after last week's very poor performance, I find myself in a somewhat larger hole. So I have to come out stronger than ever, and call on the big guns.

Cheerleaders.

Find out more on the flip side...



Yes, I'll be taking a look at both teams' cheerleader squads in an effort to help me decide who is going to win. It's a very complicated formula I'm using here.

So, let's begin with the Thursday Turkey Games.

As always, picks are CAPITALIZED and bold...

Tennessee -11 @ DETROIT

Right off the bat, we step into a void so deep I almost can't believe it. Apparently, the Detroit Lions do not have an official cheerleading squad! What is this, North Korea? That can't possibly be true. No wonder they stink. Is anyone in Detroit outraged? This is much worse than taking wide receivers in the draft for the last 37 years. To not have a cheerleading squad, well I don't believe it.

I mean Tennessee has a squad, and while I don't really appreciate the daisy duke look (wasn't a big Dukes of Hazard fan - I know, you can throw rocks in my direction, but even at age eleven I found it a little silly that the police could never catch the Duke boys. I mean they have to know where they lived. They couldn't get a warrant? The judge was Boss Hog and he HATED the Duke Boys. Something was very fishy in Hazard county), fuck, at least they're sexing it up for the fans.

Anyway, I searched but found no Lions cheerleaders. But there is something we can do . We all know the power of the petition. It's gotten presidential candidates on state ballots and, well not much else. But if we don't try something then Detroit is destined to fall into more obscurity. And I hope, that by uncovering this horrible misstep by the Detroit Lions organization, the Lions will at the very least rise up and show they will not take playing in front of cheerleaderless fans - or at least cover the 11 points they're getting.

Seattle +12.5 @ DALLAS

Another huge reveal about myself - I hate the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Perhaps it's because I hate the Dallas Cowboys, but I just can't get behind their outfits. You know, i might have a bias against western attire in general. Frills do not make things sexy, and neither do accesories - two things western garb seems to have a plethora of.

However, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader outfits are absolutely stunning compared to the monstrosities the Seahawk gals are wearing. What the fuck is going on here? They appear to be dressed as white footballs. I'm embarrassed - for them, for me, for all of us.

ARIZONA +3 @ Philadelphia

Quick story. Watching the Eagles game on Sunday at a friend's house, I made a couple of smart bets on the activity of the game. When McNabb got benched (in a close game for a back up quaterback that made Koy Detmer look like the Marlboro Man) we immediately made an o/u on times the camera would pan over to McNabb on the sidelines. At 14.5, the over was free money. I mean free. FOX Sports would cut to a particularly bad roadkill carcass if it was titilating enough (and had something to do with the broadcast). We stopped counting at 19, and I left $2 richer. Thank you FOX.

What does that have to do with the game tonight? Nothing. I just like bragging about gambling stories in which I win.

Now, in the world of cheerleading, this is an epic battle. The Eagles cheerleaders for years have been given their props (rightly so) for being an attractive bunch. And Arizona, well they're Arizona. You can walk down the street and get hit by a beautiful girl falling out of a tree they're so plentiful. I mean, here you go...


Beauty...enthusiasm...athleticism...

And then on the other hand we're treated to this...



Simple...classy...ok not classy, but you get the point. So who do I pick?

I'm going with Arizona. After Sunday's dismal Eagles performance, followed by a near mutiny on talk radio against McNabb, Reid, and whatever else, I thought I would get a respite from the team, since the game is to be on the NFL Network, which I don't get. Sadly, one of the local stations will be picking up the broadcast, which means I'll have to watch. And with the cold weather, I doubt the cheerleaders will be much less than a parka. So I'm going with the team that could win their division getting points, and not the team that might not win another game the whole year. But remember, at least we have this:




Ok, what did we learn after Thursday's games other than I need an act of God or Cline to miss posting his picks to win this bet. We learned:

  • Dallas, when all its star players are healthy, is a good team
  • Donovan McNabb has his best games with adversity swarming around him
  • The Lions quit on their fans and the sport awhile ago, and couldn't even muster a decent performance for their traditional Thanksgiving game. And they definitely don't deserve cheerleaders.
Oh and one more thing - never underestimate the power of the redhead.

Seriously, how else do the Eagles win? With that nugget of information, I'm going to tweak my cheerleader searching to focus on any redheads in the squads, since it obviously fired up the Eagles. So, let's get into Sunday's games...

SAN FRANCISCO +7 @ Buffalo

Both squads have redheads...

San Fran's Amy:



vs. Buffalo's Alison:


I don't know about you, but I think Amy might be able to start for the 49ers on Sunday. And I mean that in the very sexiest way possible. I live the 49ers to cover, even in the cold of Buffalo.

BALTIMORE @ Cincinnati +7

Tricky. The Ben-gals boast a number of different types of redheads. They also have an awesome flash thing on their website that is cool. Go see for yourself. However, the Ravens one up them by going to individual videos of the ladies, including swimsuit shoots and interviews. And while it seems Adrienne is the only redhead on the squad, she more than makes up for the lack of quantity. But see for yourself here.

Cincy has been playing teams tough, and the Ravens are coming off a big win, but I can no longer put stock in things like that. I've just spent the last 30 minutes watching cheerleader videos. But I do it all for you guys.

COLTS -5 @ Cleveland

As we learned Thursday, a team without an official cheerleading squad is terrible. If I had any inclination to doing research, I'd take a look at the numbers of teams without cheerleaders and see what they've done historically against the spread. Of course, the other question I'd like to throw out there is what kind of message are teams sending to the city's female population when it can't put forth a little effort and get twenty-five attractive women to cheer?

While we ponder that, please enjoy Larissa, from the Colts official cheerleading squad. And take them minus the points. Quinn, who seemed to at least have a rhythm with the Browns is out, and Anderson is back in. That can't be good if you're a Browns fan.

Carolina @ Green Bay -3

I chose Green Bay last week based on the argument that they can't afford to lose more games in their division. It backfired on me. But who says you should learn from your mistakes?

Wait, scratch that. I just did a couple searches, and yes, you see that right, Green Bay also does not have cheerleading squad. Are you kidding me? What's worse, it seems that the fans had a say in the matter. I don't understand - why would you vote against them? What does it hurt you?

I'm changing my mind and going with Carolina here.

CAROLINA +3 @ Green Bay

Carolina needs to stay on track in the south. Look for them to cover. Besides, you know their cheerleaders are frisky. My research has also uncovered a red head on the Carolina Panthers' cheer squad, as well as a cheerleader named "Hodges." I don't know about you, but Hodges sounds less like a name for a cheerleader and more for a renegade detective working the streets and getting chewed out for his maverick style by the boss. If her last name is McGettigan I'm officially done making picks.


Miami -9.5 @ ST. LOUIS

Not only is the driving euro-techno beat that meets you at the Dolphins' cheerleader website annoying, it also appears at first glance they have no redheads to speak of. Meanwhile, the Rams, who seem to know what they're doing (in cheerleading hiring only - let's not discuss the on field decisions they make) have employed a red head, the lovely Shannon. I can't ignore statistics like that, so I'll take the Rams to cover at home, and force the Dolphins to show me they can cover that big a number on the road. And while the picture of Shannon I've included certainly doesn't show her as a redhead, if you click here and scroll down, you can see what I'm basing my very scientific picks on.

New Orleans @ TAMPA BAY -3.5

Sadly, neither cheerleading squad appears to have a redhead. So it looks like I'll just have to give this game my astute analysis (you've been warned). New Orleans is coming off a short week and a big win, so I like the Bucs at home. Though I do like the Saints cheerleader's squad name: The Saintsations.

Giants -3.5 @ WASHINGTON

I'm finding it amazing that so many teams are in this league sans cheerleaders. I thought it was an officially sanctioned thing by the NFL. Turns out that's not the case. The New York Giants don't have a cheerleading squad? Blasphemy!

Luckily, the same can't be said for the Washington Redskins. They most certainly have a squad, and a lovely redhead named Heather to boot. Gotta go with Washington here. Heather's not gonna let the Redskins lose!

Atlanta @ SAN DIEGO -4.5

Battle of possibly the fake red heads, ironically in a game that suggests the two teams might also be fake. And don't get me wrong, I'd love for Atlanta to be the real deal, I'm just not sure how much stock we can put in a rookie QB. But as long as he keeps winning, he'll prove me wrong. I'm still going San Diego here. Carissa just seems like she could take Courtney in a mud wrestling venue. But don't take my word for it. If yo have the means, then please, set it up. And give me a call. I'd love to watch.





Pittsburgh @ NEW ENGLAND -1

I wanted to go with Pittsburgh here. I really did. I think they're going to play for revenge and get fired up and it's going to be a tough game. But then I saw they don't have a cheerleading squad. What's worse, is that they once did, going back to 1961. For whatever reason however, they disbanded, and no one picked up the torch after that.

And not only does New England have a squad, and not only does it boast a red head, it gives you more information about each cheerleader I've ever seen. For example, I know Brittany's favorite color is blue, she loves R. Kelly's Ignition remix (who doesn't) and she's not going to survive for very long on a deserted island with chapstick, a water bottle and a toothbrush.

DENVER @ Jets -7.5

So the Jets are coming off a huge win against Tennessee, and the Broncos are coming off a horrendous loss against the Raiders. If only I knew what this meant. The Jets are flying high right now, kicking ass and taking names. The Broncos are...well they're just the Broncos and I don't think that's going to help them this week. And since I'm now a Favre fan after the Packers absolutely got destroyed Monday night in a very crucial game, everything points toward me taking the Jets. Everything except the most important thing of course...





You see, on the redhead front, the Jets are lacking, and the Broncos aren't (oh they certainly aren't). So I gots to stay true to my formula and take the Broncos. I mean, I guess I could argue that Laura here could potentially be a redhead, but the bio says brown, so I am too.





Kansas City at OAKLAND -3



This one was easy. Kansas City has no one on the squad that I can even squint at and pretend they have red hair, while Oakland at least forced one of their cheerleaders to die their hair a totally unnatural yet totally sexy shade of red. What? No one else is turned on by artificial hair colors? Um, me neither. Let's move on.




Chicago Bears @ MINNESOTA -3.5

Another easy one, another team without an official cheerleading squad. It's hard to believe. How can the Bears, one of the most storied franchises in the league, not have the wherewithal to get a bunch of scantily clad ladies to dance around during games? Is that so hard?




Meanwhile, someone up in Minnesota has a serious redhead fetish, and I don't mind at all. Going on the redhead formula I've put together, the Vikings should win on Sunday 126-6 and the six points will be a touchdown with a missed extra point.

Jacksonville @ HOUSTON -3

Tough one since Jacksonville has redheads:


and so does Houston:


How do you break the stalemate? You go with the team that has identical twins cheering for them on the sidelines:




7 comments:

Cline said...

Over/under on the number of times Goose posts a Phillies YouTube clip between now and the end of the NFL regular season: 4.5.

Goose said...

over. easy.

Drew said...

Love the firebush Eagles cheerleader. Nice work Goose.

Cline said...

And the lead is now 10 games with 4.8125 weeks remaining.

Goose said...

You are setting yourself up for a Goliathesque defeat.

Cline said...

Are you kidding? This lead is unsinkable. Just like the boat in that movie. Speed 2.

Goose said...

Ahh, Speed 2. Jason Patric why have thou forsaken us of a Speed 3?