Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
Kathy_L Changing my iPhone email signature to: Sent from my castle of holy pretentiousness
Petherwin I’ve had to buy some roomier trousers. Not because I’m putting on weight, but because of this bloody Viagra.
cellebelle watching dude push his junk against the chips rack at subway is making me consider the apple slices. thx for keeping me healthy, gross kid!
amelish it's becoming increasingly clear that i bought a bar of chocolate, placed it on the roof of my car, and drove away. some pigeon is ecstatic.
omytodd weird ass dreams last night. that's what i get for wearing my plastic viking helmet to bed.
diplo I interviewed kraftwerk once and they told me their royalties from planet rock were lost somewhere in the black forest - we r here searching
michaelianblack Watermelon is so much better than cantaloupe it's not even a contest. FUCK YOU CANTALOUPE!
FriedWords The rainbow was amazing. But it turns out that leprechaun was just a small homeless man. And I really regret him showing me his pot of gold.
tj Liquor before beer, never fear; Beer before liquor, never sicker; That last bit of scotch after brushing your teeth, *horribly* bad idea.
blaine23 The first rule of Yacht Club is no minorities.
Kathy_L Flight attendant says a lapchild will get a small life vest in a water landing. Note to self: Start referring to Macbook as "lapchild."
Rayke I feel like your early twenties are a discovery period. Example: I just discovered that I can piss at a urinal using *no* hands.
kolchak The great thing about being unemployed is did you know there are 230 ceiling tiles in my basement?
slag_mag Fell asleep in a hammock on Sunday afternoon- pretty Norman Rockwell, except for the smoking a bunch of opium part.
saraschaefer1 (I'm gonna record an album where I replace the word "love" with "dumb." ) track 2 = Dumb Shack
FriedWords If a kid points at a cloud & says "Look a bunny!" You should point at the next one & say "Look, a stupid kid who thinks a cloud is a bunny!"
Jim_Hamilton If you think of fingerprinting as finger painting, getting arrested is kind of fun.
Jim_Hamilton Alanis Morisette wrote You Oughta Know about Dave Coulier. She wrote no song about Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds is lamer than Dave Coulier.
Jim_Hamilton I'm still trying to get Alanis Morissette to go down on me in a theater, but I don't know *slime* if it's going to happen.
davio1962 Of course I'm naked--it's a shower isn't it? Well, as long as I'm here, I might as well hug the bride-to-be.
tj 1) Wake up 2) Brush teeth 3) Feed fish 4) Take meds 5) Notice pill in fishbowl & bad taste in mouth & wonder if I screwed up 3&4. Again.
kolchak Rosie O'Donnel just turned down a dessert on Kathy Griffin's show. I'll be on the front lawn awaiting the four horsemen.
westoflondon If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, then my illegal logging business is a success.
Rayke Hot Barista saw me itch my eye with glaze on my finger and then cry & pour coffee in my eye to wash it. LADIES: SET PHASERS TO "STUNNING".
blaine23 Things found in Kenny Loggins' beard: Danger Zone sign. Jim Messina. Footloose 2: Feetlooser script. Sweet love flowing almost every night.
AndeeD Trying Wasabi & Soy Sauce almonds. First bite seemed vaguely reminiscent of untended goldfish aquarium.
paulfeig I thought I was buying a bag of Pirate's Booty but accidentally grabbed Pirate's Doody. Seriously, why in the eff would they even sell that?
isplotchy I think most people would be horrified to know that playing Mob Wars on Facebook actually results in people getting killed.
Jim_Hamilton Unfortunately, more than her laugh was contagious.
mmmeghan I need to get album frames this week. This Nelly album is begging to be hung over the toilet.
Jim_Hamilton If it's true that you've had sex with everyone your partner's had sex with, chances are pretty good you've had sex with Scott Baio.
artichoked I asked my husband what our strategy was going into a car dealership: "I'm going to go on a test drive, push the guy out & drive off."
mookiewilson86 I just saw that Lebron James sex tape. All it is is a sweaty black dude dunking over him? WTF?
brendancollins If I see another one of those stupid G-Force commercials I'm seriously gonna poop in someone's hand.
isplotchy Speaking of, if someone A) makes me a costume and B) gives me $50 I will attend a Halloween party as Slave Leia. (note: I'm not a woman)