Friday, July 17, 2009

The Best Tweets of the week 7/10 - 7/17

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

  • I skew toward the amusing
  • I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
  • @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
  • I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
  • Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...

JephKelley In my life, I've made many bad decisions. Getting the sausage and eggs at the gas station's deli counter this morning ranks near the top.

DoucheLarue im starting to become upset by the lack of explosions and helicoptors on morning television. Im looking at you "the view."

Kathy_L Dear U.S. Gov't, thanks for buying GM. I will take my 2009 tax refund in the form of a Camaro. You may deposit it directly on my driveway.

CranberryPerson Today has taught me that the perfect number of taquitos to consume before running is somewhere in the "fewer than nine" range.

Jim_HamiltonTurns out Amway frowns on virgin sacrifice. Murder, they called it. I'd be in real trouble if I wasn't also a member of Skull & Bones.

Aimee_B_Loved I just saw Transformers 2. How the hell did Michael Bay make an explosion explode?

kolchak Hi. I'm a Mac. And I'm a PC. And while we film these commercials, Linux bangs our wives.

kolchak You write ONE letter to Maria Sharapova about how you take lots of shots with your powercock and suddenly the law is involved.

CourtneyReimer Finally got around to changing the names of all my "Santogold" songs to "Santigold." My weekend chores are done; let the Bacchanalia begin.

ScottAukerman Man in line is telling his daughter the plot to every Toonces SNL sketch he can remember. Whoever wrote those: you have touched lives.

CranberryPerson Wife brought me ice water while I was mowing. SOMEONE'S angling for a few extra minutes of platonic, fully dressed snuggling tonight!

CcSteff Jim's hair can only be described as "the dad from My Two Dads that wasn't Paul Reiser."

Jim_Hamilton There should be a law that bans eating ice cream sandwiches while driving. Oh boy, I hit a bunch of people back there.

diplo I can't wait to have children so I can stop making shitty decisions like doing dmt @ a gated community pool @ 4am last night

davio1962 Tourism Guide: Delaware's 2 biggest contributions to the US GNP are NASCAR fumes & cholesterol.

dragonboysuede You call it tinkling in the ocean, i call it letting the starfish know there's a new sheriff in town.

diplo my plane was diverted from Spain to JFK cause the flux capaciter broke over bermuda and theyre playing The Cars.."whos gonna drive you home"

davio1962 "So we meet again Mr. Bond" has no effect--funny or otherwise--when uttered to your wife in bed 1st thing in the morning.

trumpetcake The way my beard is growing I'm not just rubenesque anymore, I'm Rick Rubinesque.

cubicle2 Based upon the variety of liquids that enter my body, I'm always disappointed that my urine isn't a more exciting color.

GodAwfulBastard I'll always sort of hate my dad for not having the last name "Feelgood".

Rayke So apparently it's illegal to ask the 14-year-old snowcone girl for "extra vodka". Our date for next weekend is totally off.

JephKelley Hey guy with the NJOY KDS plates: I'll assume you mean in the normal way and not the whoa-what-a-pretty-creepy-license-plate-way.

adamisacson My funnel cake had so much powdered sugar, I look like I spent the afternoon with Lindsay Lohan and Tony Montana.

GhostPanther "Suck it Russia! I'm king dick of this cheese rock!" Alternate moon landing statement considered by NASA for Neil Armstrong.

CourtneyReimer I'm facing a dilemma of Sophie's Choicesque proportions: use the festering Port-A-Potty or pee my pants. I'm leaning toward the latter.

CranberryPerson Nice to be in a restaurant classy enough to realize there was more to Europe than "The Final Countdown."

cubicle2 Nobody power slides a family sedan into a drive-thru lane like this motherfucker. That Ronald McDonald statue was a casualty of awesome.

diplo Amsterdam everything smells like honeysuckle.. Is it a terrorist attack? Feelin the double aa's too. Baalin'

michaelianblack New idea for an animal: Pegapotamus, which is a winged hippopotamus. Would make adorable stuffed animals and terrifying poops.

kolchak Best part of the Hannah Montana movie was that there wasn't an undercover cop in the back row of the theater with me.

Petherwin A lifetime of watching Mick Jagger dancing is etched on Keith Richards’s face.

blaine23 I experienced unplanned sexual tension at Family Dollar when Let's Get It On cued up right as I approached the counter with my shower gel.

Jessabelle2o7 What's with all the new TV shows about sassy, know-it-all nurses? I want my nurse to know her place -- keeping my doctor sexually satisfied!

mookiewilson86 Hey Mets fans! Don't forget to tune in later to watch all your favorites compete in the Inning Ending Double Play Derby.

JephKelley Forgot I had Toaster Strudel in the freezer as the only time I open it is for vodka or to talk to/mock my formerly annoying neighbor's head.

CcSteff "It wasn't my best handjob, but it was the most memorable. For us and everyone else in the campground." That's how I avoid small talk.

rbender Philly Fun Fact: People put pennies on Ben Franklin's grave so he can afford whores in the afterlife.

artichoked Last night is a blur of football, beer & whipped cream bikinis. Translation: I got drunk & watched Varsity Blues in a whip cream bikini.

nottjmiller Dear dishrag: I know what you're thinking...I'm not a face towel. Yes you are. At 7am you are...

mtmodular The name Sotomayor always makes me think "Sodamayor". And then I think "Whats so bad about being the Mayor of Soda?" The answer: Nothing.

Jim_Hamilton It's like you can't even wink in a shady massage parlor without getting a handjob anymore.

JeeNeeBee THIS JUST IN: The Somali pirates have all gone home and resumed their positions at the Pirates of the Caribbean theme park ride.

keithwade I now have 3 speeds at which I move: Normal, caffeine-boosted, and "hey, there's a free ice cream party in the break room."

Jim_Hamilton A night of drunken soul-searching has only confirmed that my soul is not located on the floor between the toilet and the tub.

keithwade My son is so sensitive about people calling him names recently. It's like I don't even know little Mr. Poopyhead Lumpypants anymore.

clubtrillion The 5-10 seconds between realizing I have to sneeze and actually sneezing is the most exhilirating part of any given day for me.


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