Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
erincleary Just had to reassure people cleaning my basement "That chalk outline down there isn't from a real dead body. It was just pretend."
CcSteff I'm going to be home this weekend, but Jim informs me he still plans to dress up my pillow in my underpants and hump it.
GodAwfulBastard I'd strangle an angel for another cup of coffee. Since there's not one here, I guess I'll just walk over to the pot.
keithwade I tweeted about an obscure 1980s beach movie this week, then it shows up on cable tonight. I'm starting small with my psychic powers.
warrenellis Spam header of the day: "Get an omnipotent porksword!"
yokoono The material in the gallery is like an elephant's tail & the larger part of it is in your head. But you have to give a tail to lead into it.
diplo Is so fuqin hot in oslo I climbd my roof of de hotel 2 lay-got loct & seagull trying 2 kill me cuz its nest is up hre http://mypict.me/7z2P
alexblagg I bet Kobayashi will also destroy in the July 5th hot dog pooping competition.
calindrome Breaking News: I now have pants on.
pauliedanger My mom just said "chillaxin" after discussing Facebook drama with a friend. If she ever says "holler", I'm filing for emancipation.
FriedWords That corn dog I ate was nasty. My mouth feels like I just gave fellatio to a Saint Bernard. I'm definitely gonna stop after this next one.
thebrianposehn My Grandpa once had me hold on to a firecracker for too long. Now I kill old men on Independence day. Happy Fourth of July!
Jim_Hamilton What has no thumbs and makes his own fireworks?
sloganeerist Trying to celebrate America but this stupid Navajo family won't give up their picnic table. That's it. Hold my flag, I'm going over there.
cubicle2 I tell people I've eaten "6" hot dogs today to honor each member of Styx. But Jesus and I know that it was to win a bet. Yeah, he gambles.
thomaslennon "Light fuse, get away" should include a middle instruction to "let go."
keithwade To the minivan people we followed home - sorry for tailgating & stalking you, but my son was really into the DVD you had on for your kids.
calindrome This must be one of those Urine Cabs I've been hearing so much about.
davio1962 July 5th at the hospital ER: lots of strange handshakes and hi-3s going around.
Aimee_B_Loved The wall-mounted cock ring dispenser is what makes this restroom seem so classy.
kolchak If I were in the stony silence of Wimbledon right now, I'd have an urge to yell "cock!". But I'm not. So ill just do it in this Dennys.
kolchak Just took the "Which Harry Potter character are you?" quiz and got "the one hauled away for sexually harassing Hermione".
CranberryPerson Good: I've been able to avoid dropping f-bombs in front of my kids. Bad: they gasp in shock when someone says "fudgesicles" or "fishsticks."
michaelianblack Tonight I'm going to a barbecue, which is code for "I'm going to hit on my wife's friends and blame it on the Mike's Hard Lemonade."
Aimee_B_Loved Is it really a great idea to set up a fireworks tent in a liquor store parking lot?
CcSteff The problem with having a rock-climbing boyfriend is that he's really good at tying knots.
NonickName Due to an accident in the kitchen involving two very similar containers...I discovered I don't mind dog biscuits.
Caissie News keeps mentioning lucky fans who won tickets to Michael Jackson's funeral. There's got to be a better way to say this. Lucky mourners?
Aimee_B_Loved Just once, I want my grandma to set her Facebook status to "Getting pants-shitting drunk with grandpa."
FriedWords Eye exam today. I knew it was time when I kept trying to pick other people's kids up at school. At least, that's the excuse I gave them.
Doodleeedoo Boxes are creating a wall around my desk. Like an Edgar Allan Poe story, but with overhead lighting.
davio1962 I’m sure your Oakleys did cost you a pretty penny, but they still look like something the DJ pass out to the kids at a Bar Mitzvah.
kolchak Across the street there's an untelevised Billy Mays tribute. And by tribute I mean some homeless washing windshields with Kaboom.
FartSandwich Now that Michael Jackson is gone, who's gonna keep Jermajesty and Blanket from fighting over the worse name? Just kidding, Jermajesty wins.
Jim_Hamilton Are you just going to stand there, Burt Reynolds, or are you going to sell me a ticket to this wax museum?
erincleary Anniversary dinners just aren't the same when you have to leave the table to change a crap filled diaper in the back of your car.
sherriva Guess I'll have to give some to the hubby tonight so he doesn't molest the cat. Again.
Caissie For the past week I have been continually smelling hot bananas. I might be having the world's most comical stroke.
MooseCrack To the squirrel playing Frogger on my drive to work this morning: GAME OVER!
davio1962 After listening to this new album by Bjork, I'm beginning to wish I was never bjorn.
mookiewilson86 Ya know what's a terrible name for a rapper? Holla Cost.
diplo damn we run outta food @ the studio .. im about to make a peach omlett with a side of peanut butter
TheMaskedBandit My mom gave me some honey scented lotion....I smell like I gave Winnie The Pooh an HJ.
AndeeD Tummy hurts. Wondering when I failed to notice myself swallowing pop rocks & Red Bull. Or maybe I consumed motivated gnomes tunneling out.
JeeNeeBee FACT: Going from 1-ply toilet paper, to 3-ply toilet paper is like wiping yur butt with a pillow.
patkiernan Woman on subway asks "Are you on NY1?" in deep voice. Then says "please report more on transgenders." Unspoken question answered.
rbender Phrases to avoid on resume and/or personal ad: "my parole officer", "river of skulls", "manager at Dennys"
Jim_Hamilton If my archenemy could see what I'm doing right now, I bet he'd feel like he has wasted his life.
debenham Hey, The Fray is about to play on the Today Show. Fans of Coldplay and Snow Patrol: begin the lowering of expectations!!
debenham You know what I was surprised not to see at the MJ funeral? The Jackson family, eating his body. Maybe they had a private ceremony for this?
debenham I was mistaken, by the way - it's Rascal Flatts on the Today Show. So, revision: People with hearing, please lower your expectations.