Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
Aimee_B_Loved "Your mom's a bitch" goes over a lot better on Take Your Dog to Work Day than Take Your Kid to Work Day.
RexHuppke Oh, Friday. You're what Monday would be if we all liked our jobs and hated drinking.
nicdarling Fishtown parent test: When riding a dirt bike: A. Take kid B. No Helmets C. Wrong way on one way. D. Blow stop sign E. All of the above
Jim_Hamilton I couldn't find my teddy bear so I slept with my marionette doll. Bring scissors.
thewesterly When Rip Torn dies they'll be able to save a bit of money on his tombstone
julieklausner My mailman had me sign for a letter from the IRS. "Uh-oh!" he said. "Hope it's a check!" I said. Then we both cried about Michael Jackson.
Dianneamus Whoa there my greasy friend. Three big macs and one diet coke does not a man make. Get some fries.
QuinnK My sister is refusing to chat with me on gchat because she has a "job" and "real work" to do. Oh, and also because I made her mad.
CranberryPerson Seeing the inlaws for the first time since my MIL saw pictures of me shirtless at the beach. Hope we can get past all that sexual tension.
Jim_Hamilton My hair is windswept and awesome right now. It belongs in a French film, not this stupid cubicle.
jimgaffigan Altoids are strong, not as strong as boullion
diplo I don"t need reading material -breeding material
kolchak How many of these Jonas Brothers songs are secretly about masturbation? My guess is somewhere around all of them.
ChrisSpags The Transformers robots really aren't that racist. If you've hung out with an illiterate black robot before, that is SO what they're like.
keithwade I'm sick of spelling words out that we don't want the kids to hear. Mainly because we have a hard time spelling L-E-T-S R-U-N A-W-A-Y N-O-W.
Kathy_L Ahhh...the theater. Much like the movies, but with more spit.
cellebelle OH at the Palladium: last band I saw play here was Dropkick Murphy's. And they dropkicked ass!
thewesterly Just kickin' back with a drink after a hard day of Mario Kart and Stargate. Yeah, the lady and I are pretty gangsta.
ScottAukerman My upstairs neighbor is rocking out HARD to "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues." OMG it just SLOWED DOWN- He's listening ON TAPE!
CranberryPerson Fish oil's benefits, yeast infections running in the family & wild speculation on Maya Rudolph's ethnicity. Sunday dinner at the in-laws.
TheMaskedBandit Billy Mays once said "The USA will care about international soccer over my cold dead body." Wait, what happened?!
kolchak "I survived a Japanese gameshow"? That's nothing. "I survived a Japanese porn shoot" - now THAT'S a challenge.
Rayke Telling a girl that your penis is "kid tested, mother approved" is a good way to never get laid again.
CourtneyReimer Gotta be a good omen I'm inexplicably singing Air Supply songs -- like it is when a bird poops on you. Both mark you as tragically pathetic.
saraschaefer1 Advantage of having a staycation: going to Ikea and Lowe's with no crowds. Disadvantage: using the word 'staycation.'
JephKelley Being a bounty hunter would be totally rad, so long as it involved a jetpack and blaster rifle and not an ugly blond mullet or butch wife.
AndeeD Trying to give child a vitamin & he ran from me yelling "I'm a survivor, not a loser." Grape it is then.
joeschmitt I've decided to quit my job and subsist entirely on money won in dares. ...anyone doubt I can crush this can on my forehead?
ChrisSpags A gay cross-dressing clown robbed a liquor store in Denver. I'm worried this will affect the perception of normal gay cross-dressing clowns.
BlueLanugo By hanging me upside down & forcing oxygen-rich blood to my brain, I hope these gravity boots have made me smart enough to escape from them.
artichoked New series involving me transitioning from a productive morning to having Mexican food & margaritas for lunch: Couchbound & Down
tj *You* say they're fireflies, I say it was the light reflecting off the eye of a ninja. He didn't attack because he knew I spotted him.
Tony_D Just used a new 'eucalyptus & mint' shower soap. Now I'm clean, I smell good, and I can't get these fucking koalas out of my bathroom.
kolchak A child's mind is like a sponge. Sometimes you have to lather it up and squish it all over your car.
kolchak Grover isn't even a muppet. He's a freakishly hairy bum who just wandered on set one day.
trumpetcake If Terry Kiser who played Bernie in "Weekend At Bernie's" had died mid-shoot, would it have been ethical to continue filming?
RexHuppke Crabtree & Evelyn's bankruptcy was inevitable after its last ad campaign: "Making your grandparents home smell like old people since 1973."
DaveHolmes I hope the rides are working at Neverland for the viewing. If you've never seen a carousel full of crying adults, it's really something.
FriedWords My kid was excited when he killed a bug, but got sad when he realized it was a butterfly. "It's okay," I said, "You racist little jerk."
GorillaSalsa I want to name my first child "Boner Honkfarts" regardless of gender.
Trick_or_tweet I guess the notion of of 'cracking open a cold one' was very different for Jeffrey Dahmer.
debenham News report says oldest Jonas brother engaged; "young girls everywhere are heartbroken." Also: Grownups everywhere are snickering.
davio1962 I drive w/o pants since you can only see me from the shoulder, up. Just take 3 steps back from the window, officer, and see for yourself.
adam_cozens When Marlon Wayans or Jeff Goldblum really DOES die, no one is going to believe it. It'll be like "The Sheep who Cried Celebrity Death"
dragonboysuede I would be more impressed by fireworks shows if it was chimps parachuting from biplanes while fervently waving sparklers. Chimps!
ScottAukerman No matter how stuck-up a girl acts, remember: at some point in her life, she has probably had a penis in her mouth. That's disgusting.
slapclap About that dream last night. I would like to apologize to Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower and TV's Rhoda.
cubicle2 When I go out to lunch, I'm reminded that a mid-90s Camaro and a stash of Cocaine are all that stands between me and owning this town.
CcSteff I'm going to be home this weekend, but Jim informs me he still plans to dress up my pillow in my underpants and hump it.