Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
bumpcrud Most exciting part of my work day is the crucial seconds before finishing the burrito butt, where you aren't sure if the fold will hold.
Xytrex In retrospect quoting Kurt Russell to the officer that pulled me over was a bad idea. Apparently he's never seen Big Trouble In Little China
VaginaDrum Have an interview at 1. I'm ready over an hour early. I guess changing into a shirt without pizza stains doesn't take as long as I thought.
PFTompkins By now I should have abs of steel considering the full-body convulsions I experience trying to Sonicare my back teeth.
davio1962 Time to decorate the house for Halloween. Which for us means spruce it up in order to reduce the overall effect to merely "creepy".
sbaicker Pajamas + wine + Phillies is the only kind of math I'll even consider today.
therealcherilyn FYI...the shamwow works great as a diaper. been pissin' my pants all day. it doesn't work quite as well for poop.
Aimee_B_Loved Everything looks ominous when you use a bowl of Cheerios for fortune-telling.
JezebelTheGreat Hi, new followers! I love red meat, foul language, obscure humor and the Deftones. I hate cats and the Yankees. I'm pretty fucking magical.
RexHuppke Between the 5-year-old, the 2-year-old and me, the level of scatological humor around here must violate EPA regulations.
mrdavehill Listen up- if Dio tells you to lock up the wolves, you better find yourself some damn wolves and lock them up posthaste!
Jim_Hamilton The words "instant classic" get thrown around a lot, but if you had heard my last fart...
davio1962 Who me? Just testing out my new invention for keeping perfectly dry in a torrential rainstorm. I call it, "my house".
stretta My daughter now has a tiara for special occasions as well as an 'everyday' tiara. I'm projecting this into the future and am terrified.
trixieboots How to make eggs edible: add cream, cheese, bacon, avocado, and gobs of butter. This recipe also works for cardboard, tree bark, and socks.
PFTompkins Thought I saw veteran character actor Bob Dishy at the gym. I was mistaken. It was merely one of Hollywood's countless Bob Dishygängers.
RexHuppke "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Please, officer. My family and I have been at a pumpkin farm. Of course I've been drinking."
FartSandwich Turns out making French Onion soup from scratch makes you smell like that one stinky kid in your third grade class. But on purpose.
derek_huff So when do you think Dora and Diego will just cut the bullshit and fuck?
gunthergreen I ate bacon, eggs, turkey, chicken and steak today. A pack of wolves doesn't eat that many animals in a day.
tj Two weeks remaining for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. A reminder that free breast exams are available 24/7. You've got a web cam, right?
jdickerson Based on the message we just listened to James Earl Jones is coming to take a look at our washer tomorrow.
JephKelley If Art came home from work all sweaty and needed to take a shower, do you think his wife would tell him he smelled Garfunky?
Jim_Hamilton There is no chance that this man waiting with flowers at the international arrivals of LAX isn't greeting his mail-order bride.
xrayedman As Jim grabbed the dog and locked him in the closet, Fido cursed the gods that he lacked opposable thumbs
jorshuwah master splinter living with the teenage mutant ninja turtles is a prime example of how far the traditional nuclear family has been eroded.
muchty If this were the job of my dreams, there would be more talking gorillas.
Ryan_Duncan The hardest part of being a professional wrestler must be trying out new moves on the homeless, having it go wrong and then burying the body
yokoono Imagine tying balloons to the roof of every building in the city. Let the balloons wave to the breeze. See if buildings are lighter for it.
WadetoBlack Someone just used the term "O Ten" to describe 2010. Is that what we're going with? Did I miss the memo? You guys always forget about me!
davio1962 Ho Lee Traditional Chinese Restaurants, Batman!
VaginaDrum Email from Zappos: 'Get Spooky Styles and FREE-ky Shipping!' I didn't know 'Take Your Lonely and Pun Obsessed Friend to Work Day' was today.
Xytrex Sir, the way you're eating that banana tells me everything I need to know about you.
Tymethief No water pressure in the building = no functional toilets. We're supposed to go to Wal-Mart next door. Coffee cup is probably more sanitary
blaine23 We let our toddler watch Yo Gabba Gabba. I'm pretty sure this is going to be mentioned during her episode of Intervention in 15 years or so.
diplo LIsten up kids FLOSS YOUR FUCKIN TEETH OR IMMA COME 2 YOUR HOUSE AND BEAT YOUR ASS AND MURDER YOUR PARENTS!!
amynicole21 Yellow OR brown, just flush it down. No one wants to deal with your hippie shit.
FriedWords "Dad, where does God live?" "God lives inside each of us, son. Like a magic tapeworm slowly devouring our souls... Welp, goodnight."
Aimee_B_Loved I kind of want to punch Nancy Grace in the head. Without that "kind of" part.
diplo wuttup LA? http://www.twitpic.com/m3c6w
Tony_D I figure my "Dr. Manhattan" Halloween costume will cost me $105. That's $5 for blue spraypaint, and $100 to pay the indecent exposure fine.
WadetoBlack A guy is here changing all the fluorescent light bulbs. There's dozens. It's taking every ounce of energy not to start a light saber fight.
WadetoBlack On thys dy in 1977, Lynyrd Skynyrd's plyne cryshed, kyllyng 4 pyple.
genegeorge Man, from what I've seen on YouTube that Hitler guy sure is touchy about a lot of subjects.
stretta Twitter feels like it is one roll of duct tape away from explosive catastrophe and we'll all be covered in passive-aggressive shrapnel.
hotdogsladies Promote your event on my Facebook? Why of course! Shall I also put you on LinkedIn, MySpace, Foursquare and all that other shit I don't use?
FriedaClub Drawing the ire of my coworkers for whistling in my cubicle. Oh, and not wearing pants. And the badger. Mostly the badger.
annoyingworld I've never blindfolded anyone for a surprise b-day.I have however cut off their pinkie and mailed it to their loves ones for their birthday.
NotGiamatti I can not imagine a situation or context in which I would oblige someone who says "hey, smell this!"
slapclap Just changed my ring tone to a Swedish woman giving birth prematurely in 1978. Part of the Ingmar Bergman (dot) com site relaunch.
xrayedman Look people I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.
paulscheer Mayor McCheese is an elitist. How can he rule over a town full of people that eats burgers when he himself is a Burger! Stop Burger Genocide
GooseHonk If you a person who spells it "magick" I'm going to go ahead and assume there are at least 2 velvet capes tucked away in your closet.
FriedWords Man, this piñata was a big disappointment. That animal shelter better give me a refund.
reverendross I didn't need to see what's under your kilt, bartender. And that's no way to stir a drink. Yes of course I still want it.
thebenbrooks New rule: any creature with scorpion in its name: bad. Anything with bunny: good. See? Playboy Bunny: good. Playboy Scorpion: bad.
WadetoBlack Our building's tenant appreciation breakfast only had bagels; no donuts or muffins. Cue sad Hulk music as I walked back to the elevator.
isplotchy "You had me at HU-k k-k-kk-ck uhhhhhh ss" #movielinesabruptlycutoffbecausethecharactergetspunchedint
WadetoBlack Discovered we still have VHS players in the conference rooms. Nice to know I have another place to bring in my wedding video & not watch it.
davio1962 Trying to fix a problem with an uncuffed sleeve while using the urinal usually results in a problem bigger than an uncuffed sleeve.
xrayedman I was asked What traits I share with the great Abraham Lincoln? All I could come up with was that our toenails are prob. identical right now
CourtneyReimer Anybody got a recipe that uses food particles stuck in a keyboard? By my estimation, I have enough to make a week's worth of lunches.
kolchak Whenever people tell me "top of the morning" it usually is a good indication that morning has hit its low point.
TheCline Favorite part of Black Eyed Peas commercial is the length they go to to hide "that really scary weird guy who dances" http://bit.ly/i8mTj
VaginaDrum I get turned on when my boyfriend speaks to his grandmother in Spanish. That's a thing, right?
holaolah Phil's fans heading to Broad St....Being part of any mob is as close as you will ever come to the zombie apocalypse. Act accordingly!
debenham @isplotchy I want to play @namethatplace! Is it 29 Maple Ave in Duluth? I'm sure it is.
NotGiamatti If Seven of Nine found out she had a long lost big sister, would she change her name to Eight of Ten?
summersumz Boyfriend crashes his bike, has road rash. As I assess his wounds, my chief concern turns to what positions are still in the playbook.
FartSandwich My buddy is a cop. He told me there are even M.D.s that became cops. I suppose that makes them special doctors. Doctors of JUSTICE.
ScottAukerman My dog is nice and obedient, but if he had thumbs, things would be a LOT different around my house.
cleapow The new hire said, "I'm gonna go move my car" 30 minutes ago. Should I go search for her or just steal the purse she left in my cubicle?
Jim_Hamilton Dave Eggers' "The Wild Things" novel was originally called "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering What The Fuck."
kleigh8 No, iPhone, I did not mean "I want to kiddy your facet waved!" I have owned you over a year; how do you not know me by now?
VaginaDrum Dumbest thing I've done today? Ordered a burger with mozzarella sticks on it. Would I do it again? In one slow & unstable heartbeat, yes.
sortaconfused Ohmigod, can't find my iPhone. Now what am I supposed to do while I'm in the bathroom? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHILE I'M IN THE BATHROOM?!
michaelianblack Idea for invention: a koi pond you pee in called "The Koilet."
Rayke It's weird how we get drunk on Friday nights because it's the weekend, and then get drunk on Monday mornings because it's not the weekend.