Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
thebrianposehn Finally saw Zombieland. Good shit. Almost as fun as actually killing zombies.
WadetoBlack The way Belichick was desperately searching for McDaniels on the field, I expect him to take out a Missed Connections ad on Craigslist.
VaginaDrum Watching a movie in Spanish. I don't understand it, but at first everyone was like 'lol' and then there was a gun so now it's like 'uh oh.'
StillDrew There aren't nearly as many killer robots at Home Depot as there should be. Not for a place claiming to have everything I need for my house.
adamisacson I see: "Word saved changes to the normal document template. Do you want to load it?" I read: "Why are you still using this shoddy product?"
TheCline You know you've been working with someone named Thong for a while when the phrase 'Thong covered my anatomy' is said and noone even titters.
CourtneyReimer It's not bad on the level of, say, smallpox-infected blankets, but having to work on Columbus Day is pretty wretched.
diplo Cleveland airport playin that santana wyclef record for like ever.. This is what hell sounds like
apodixis Oh God, this Burt's Bees shampoo smells rank. It think it was made from the urine of diabetic children.
hotdogsladies Clients who want freebies in exchange for "future work" are as beneficial as the cellmate who "highly recommends" your rim jobs.
serafinowicz If the Ghostbusters ghost just moved his left hand to the top half of the red sign, he could easily escape.
Rayke Monday is the 9/11 of weekdays.
sortaconfused Thank God they came out with the new leopard & zebra print Snuggys. Before that, none of the colors matched my Crocs.
hotdogsladies In Google Wave. Waiting for a friend. It's like sitting in an airport terminal where 500 people are TALKING LOUDLY about airport terminals.
adamisacson 5-yr-old: "I don't want to go to the art museum." My wife: "C'mon. Art is good for the soul." 5yo: "What's a 'soul?'" Me: [Stifled laughter]
hotdogsladies San Francisco is the first place I've lived where the *prediction* of rain makes people drive erratically.
gunthergreen Heading over to facebook for a while to find out what time that girl I banged in high school is taking her kid to hockey practice tomorrow.
CourtneyReimer I don't know what's more disturbing: that some sickos made a Zach Braff death hoax or that the debunking story refers to him as a comedian.
westoflondon My wife told me that people who swear a lot have a small vocabulary. So I told her to fuck off.
gunthergreen I didn't drink too much last night. There just wasn't enough hours in between when I stopped and now with daylight savings space time thing.
WadetoBlack It sucks I don't work with any Canadians. I really would've liked the lunch I steal from the fridge today to be a leftover turkey sandwich.
(ed. note: Canada's Thanksgiving was on Sunday. I think. At the very least it was sometime this past week.)
CranberryPerson Someone on Twitter named her cat after me. This must be how John Stamos feels when a cat gets named "John Stamos."
Caissie Realized I have unintentionally been participating in "Sober October." Let's see if I can be more deliberate for "Dismember November."
designbuff Anyone interested in a color printer? If so, head over to my building, I'll be pitching the piece of shit out the window in like 20 seconds.
artichoked I stopped doing sit ups to pay closer attention to something on tv & fell asleep on the floor. Really illustrates my dedication to fitness.
adamisacson Oprah says switch to whole grains. I had Dunkin' Donuts make me a bacon, egg and cheese on _whole wheat_ bagel. I feel healthier already.
kolchak Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Unless it's to Jessica Alba. He's pretty proud of his work on that one.
biloon Tonight is German circus night. I feel like I'm going to see something that I was never meant to see.
xrayedman My wife seems concerned that I thought our dog has ESP. Told her I was kidding; but I *know* he is talking about me behind my back.
davio1962 My stylist offers "celebrity" haircuts w/ cost that varies by popularity. In my price range is a choice between Eraserhead & Coolio.
xrayedman I get all teary eyed when I hear that song 'Muskrat Love' cause it reminds me of the time we had to eat our pet Muskrat during hard times.
JephKelley Just re-enacted that scene from "Heat" with Pacino and DeNiro at the table. I was DeNiro. Pacino was a burrito. And DeNiro just ate Pacino.
kolchak Turns out if you have scissors and duct tape you can modify livestrong bracelets to be livestrong cock rings.
knitterplease I'm pretty sure that Canadian Sasquatch is a relative on my mom's side of the family. Related: I have to wax my eyebrows again.
keithglover Okay, which prankster gave this granny in front of me, hot chick smelling perfume? Although, is it wrong if it smells so right? Sooo right
debenham Planning on starting a weekend concert series called Tea & Symphony. Wherein I will beat up anyone who shows up at such a thing.
thomaslennon I could probably have a shorter ringtone than November Rain. (if you call me, don't hang up, I'm just waiting for the lyrics to kick in)
WadetoBlack I have to go fax something. I'm hoping there are some zines I can read while waiting for it to go through.
bumpcrud Apparently, The duties of "Office Fire Marshall" do NOT include screaming, "THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOU WILL DIE" during a drill. Duly noted.
Aimee_B_Loved The most shocking thing about Captain Lou Albano's death is finding out that he hadn't been dead this whole time.
xrayedman Scientists say that if all the cows in the world were placed end to end there would be a really long line of poop. Science is hard.
kolchak There is no free lunch. There are free half eaten twinkies. In the garbage. It was worth it.
slag_mag As we approach 2010, whichever party promises to create an afforable taquito air drop program will have my vote.
GooseHonk I just spent my lunch painstakingly weeding out all the dark meat from my stir fry bowl. I felt like a casting director for The Bachelor.
serafinowicz If I was going to get a tattoo, I'd get "If I was going to get a tattoo, I'd get a tattoo of the word 'tattoo'." tattooed.
knitterplease I put my pants on just like anyone else: reluctantly.
chucknoritz Does the bathroom at your McDonald's have a hobo offering up hand jobs in exchange for a Big Mac? If not then you gotta check out mine.
hotdogsladies "Dorothy wants to ask someone else!" DOES she, Elmo? Or is Mr. Noodle just so symbolic of the frail human condition that it blows your mind?
kolchak Monsters LOVE to do the monster mash when they're not slaughtering children, hanging out under bridges, or smearing poop on cars.
Jessabelle2o7 Upon hearing that The Rape Tunnel is a hoax, Bert stopped grooming his Rape 'Stache and left the museum, mad at himself for daring to dream.
deighvan Head Cold vs. Immune System: The Battle at Right Nostrilia
davio1962 Gonna be one of those days. Missed my hair while applying shampoo & it slid down my back instead. Had to change my shirt and everything.
isplotchy Uh oh Garth Brooks is creeping up the Trending Topics, like a monster emerging from the primordial ooze of the right sidebar!
Aimee_B_Loved Time to find the hedge clippers. It looks like a Nick Nolte mugshot down there.
cleapow Wearing a skirt, which puts me in the position to do some really unladylike things today
Caissie 2 guys in next seat on train are arguing over which has had a worse public defender. I'll let you know if I become an "Innocent Bystander."
WadetoBlack I just made sure to change the break room TV to something even more insidious than Balloon Boy - a repeat of Full House.
BlueLanugo CNN? This is Falco. Yes, the guy who did "Rock Me, Amadeus." I heard everyone was looking for me. Well, here I am! What's that? Oh.
kolchak Before her horrible death, I'm sure Anne Frank would have been comforted by the thought of future comparisons between her and a balloon boy.
RexHuppke Has anyone ever actually had an alibi for being U-G-L-Y?
brendancollins Didn't realize that NYC would be turning into a rainy Hoth this week.
summersumz I'm a wine ninja. Except for the fact I am LOUD when I drink. So, really not a ninja at all.
adamisacson Everyone on this plane is perfectly quiet, but really unattractive. I brought noise-cancelling headphones, but no sight-cancelling glasses.