Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
Jessabelle2o7 I don't have time for your little games, copier guy -- I need 50 copies of this giant penis pic for a friend's bachelorette party, STAT!
navanax The writing is on the wall for this weekend, and it says: Jameson.
Dolanite Like a pair of Bon Jovi's jeans i'm about to get ripped!
Dianneamus I completely did not take into account how devastating it is when the music you loved in HS becomes part of rotation on the oldies station.
sortaconfused My greatest parental achievement? Easy. My kids think they own a puppy who lives at the pet store.
WadetoBlack Dear parks & rec, you suck balls for not canceling a t-ball game when the fields are soaked & it's 60 degrees, and it's 8am and I'm in bed.
Jim_Hamilton Is there football on at 4:45 a.m. or does my new neighbor just yell "Get the football!" randomly?
adamisacson I like the scene in "Windows 7" when Windows decides to come out of retirement and fight the Russian guy.
garbagetime I don't collect dolls, just the heads. That makes it less creepy, right?
kolchak Pretty sure whatever I'm coming down with needs more than cowbell to clear it up.
Girl11Eleven Just made three pitchers of margaritas. I roofied two of them. Gotta shut these people up & steal their wallets somehow.
davio1962 Tried to explain to concerned wedding guests that my so-called "epileptic seizure" was actually my attempt at so-called "dancing".
AnthonyDeVito Whenever I see Khloe Kardashian, I yell "Chewie fix the hyperdrive!" at the TV. Can't help it. WON'T help it.
thesneeze I have a very complicated relationship w/ Padma Lakshmi. She has no idea, but trust me - it's complicated.
diplo Yes, we have entered the heart of darkness .. Karoake hooker sex tourist latin jpop army reserve hong kong bar china band playin billy idol
artichoked When people sneeze, I'm going to start saying "keep that pig in its pen" instead of "bless you".
tj Admittedly I'm not so much taking him to the movies as I am paying $17 to sit in a dark room for two hours when he's not allowed to talk.
FartSandwich Sis found expired cheese in my fridge. From August. Of last year. I'm what you could call a "food archivist." Or alternately, "disgusting."
tj Just asked the wrong waitress for a refill. In my defense, "brunettes with a ponytail and pronounced disinterest" all look the same to me.
davio1962 On Yom Kippur, Jews must atone for their sons. I have only 1 so I think I'm OK... What? Atone for SINS? Houston, we have a problem.
xrayedman Shocking airport fact: the flight *to* Cleveland is full.
yokoono In a city, the horizon you see is short because it is between two buildings. Think what that length is doing to your mind.
chucknoritz If Satan was a narwhal he'd probably be pissed about the helical tusk, by contrast, overshadowing his less than menacing little horns.
diplo I wish I could wear suspenders but I'm not skinny nuf so ill look like an old farmer
CleverUserName Thanks to Last.fm, I found out that Men Without Hats actually recorded more than two songs. Weird.
Jim_Hamilton Oh yeah, Matt Damon? Michael Moore gained fifty pounds for "Capitalism: A Love Story."
ScottAukerman Disappointed that Living Colour have abandoned the wetsuit look. Was so convenient for post-gig dips in the marina.
adamisacson I'm an erratic typist, and I enjoy going outside. I'd be a terrible Secretary of the Interior.
Shmegan Orange soda tastes the best when you drink it before the sun comes up
WadetoBlack The feeling you get when your 11am meeting gets cancelled at 10:55am must be how death row inmates feel when the Governor calls last minute.
hotdogsladies Minds are like parachutes; they function best when you realize you're fucking insane to jump out of an airplane.
usedwigs computer at work just got a virus, should have known that "Free Scrapbooking Goodies" link was too good to be true.
nottjmiller The quotations really make it sincere. http://twitpic.com/jqssa
FilmDrunk Why are movie bad guys always named Johnny? Probably because "put him in a body bag, Zach!" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
gunthergreen I replaced my grandmother's doorbell with a new electronic one. She told me she "misses her ding-dong". Related mental picture: unpleasant.
xrayedman Mikey's mom told him that he could do anything he put his mind to. As he fell 300 ft to his death he learned that did not apply to flying
RexHuppke Coincidentally, the first rule of People Who Hate "Fight Club" Club is: "You do not talk about Fight Club."
serafinowicz Mustard. The savoury custard.
Caissie 2 men on train discuss what "tasteless" means. 1 insists "not opinionated," other says, "Exactly." They're going home from their JOBS.
ladygrl maybe taking a vicoden when a motrin would have sufficed wasnt my BEST idea but man, this train ride is gonna be cool. ooh, a unicorn!
blaine23 My wife tries to shoot me a scornful looks when I pee in the backyard, but I know envy when I see it. We don't need this shrub anyway.
diplo im workin in a attic on lawnchairs thru a collection of RCA plugs that dont make sense & I cant even hear my kick drums but i hope its a hit
nottjmiller USA network at home alone at 2a.m. is like the confirmation of loneliness...if there was any question, this Van Damne movie quashed it.
Aimee_B_Loved If by "wrong side of the bed", you mean "bathroom floor", then yes. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
xrayedman Archaeology pick up line: Hey baby, I'm organizing an expedition to search for Atlantis-- IN MY PANTS.
WadetoBlack Parked next to a Mini Cooper with a BIGGMINI vanity license plate this morning. I assume DCHEBAGG was taken?
kolchak Things I've learned this morning: college kids don't appreciate a good Ernest Borgnine joke when they hear one.
apodixis Friend just had a great idea. We could get a truck and sell cupcakes out of the back. Only instead of cupcakes, hookers!
supmister Ok. Ok. So she wasn't a hooker. That doesn't make her any less dead!
davio1962 Ever have one of those head-caught-in-a-vise headaches? I really need to stop messing around near the workbench.
WadetoBlack So far, this month could use more ROCK and less TOBER.
FartSandwich You can't make brisket without a Bris. Well, you could just use beef, but that'd make this joke way less disgusting.
michaelianblack New slogan for that show: "Kate plus eight plus her enormous vagina."
nottjmiller Hey guy wearing Jewish star necklace and skull neck tattoos, with "frosty" across your back: even your god is confused.
Ryan_Duncan Lesson learned from Uncle Carl: Boys, don't stick you penis in the Listerine bottle. Just don't.
PFTompkins A fly is trapped behind the blinds in my office, unable to get away. HAHAHA! That's what you get for TRESPASSING, motherfucker!
Dolanite The ladies bathroom at my local dive has no lock anymore. It's like welcome to Smitty's, welcome to my VAGINA!
VaginaDrum Had cramps so bad I thought I was in labor. False alarm-so now I'll never fulfill my dream of being on TLC's I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.
FriedWords I don't know what's more annoying, the awful aftertaste of these mushrooms I found in the yard or the piñata that keeps screaming at me.
StillDrew Took a day off which means Naked Friday. You'd think the Post Office would know that. Not sure why the police had to get involved. Whatevs.