Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
FriedWords I don't know what's more annoying, the awful aftertaste of these mushrooms I found in the yard or the piñata that keeps screaming at me.
StillDrew Took a day off which means Naked Friday. You'd think the Post Office would know that. Not sure why the police had to get involved. Whatevs.
mochamomma Airport burritos should only be consumed if you come to the airport already drunk. I'm ridiculously sober.
debenham Our 19-year-old cat snores loudly. Would be annoying if it weren't also helpful - I don't always have a hand-mirror around.
debenham @Caissie watching car-fuckers documentary. She just gasped - not because guy was molesting car, but because he was CHEATING on his own car.
debenham Wife & I working side by side on laptops, on bed; America's Funniest Home Videos on TV, muted. We're like a dystopian scifi movie from 1977!
Jim_Hamilton What has two thumbs and is going to see Thom Yorke tonight? Most of the people attending the Thom Yorke show.
navanax My head slipped off my palm and hit the desk, jarring me awake. Good thing too. I could have been late for happy hour.
BlueLanugo I wonder what was going through Socrates' mind, when he was forced to drink the hemlock. I bet he tried to be philisophical about it.
gunthergreen I drank 12 pumpkin beers last night. If I cough or sneeze or move, I'm going to shit myself. Please send help. And 12 more pumpkin beers.
CourtneyReimer This girl told me I look like Natalie Merchant, which was probably a polite way of saying I look like an entire small town of crazy people.
AnthonyDeVito Today, on the subway, an elderly Asian woman started playing the harmonica. For a minute it was like being back in the Old East.
Caissie My son invented an imaginary friend today. But now he's talking about making him real with "Some corpse skin & a robot skeleton."
amynicole21 Saturday dilemma: in order to go out on the patio to enjoy this gorgeous day, I must apply pants. Why does my life have to be so difficult?
hotdogsladies If you're opposed to mindless chain store consumerism, Whole Foods will be happy to sell you a hemp bag that proves it.
kolchak Grandma went to the hospital last night. She had back problems. Plus I stabbed her in the chest. I'm a very competitive monopoly player.
AlisonRosen Subway lost power and came to standstill in narrow dark tunnel. I kept cool head by taking deep breath and figuring out who I'd eat. #fb
hotdogsladies I'd enjoy Reggae more if the songs ended.
dragonboysuede This girl I know is having relationship problems. She's Roman Catholic and he's Roman Polanski. #Polanski
CranberryPerson "You're not fat, dad," my three year old said. Aaaaaand just like that, he's back in the will.
FriedWords This night alone without the wife & kids would be more fun if you guys were real & this cape didn't get caught on my high heels so much.
RexHuppke The 5-year-old said there's a world in his stomach and the candy corn he ate earlier is God. That's a faith I can get behind.
xrayedman With the capture of the guy who shot the Erin Andrews peephole video, women who dance nude while doing their hair can feel safe again
CranberryPerson Reviewing animal cruelty laws to see if I need to make a citizens arrest of my wife for putting our chihuahua in a pumpkin costume.
wawa_fanatic "Zombieland" reviews mixed. Humans enjoyed the movie immensely. Zombies felt they were stereotyped as slow & stupid.
paulfeig Do you think water in a toilet knows what a bad hand it's been dealt in life? Is it jealous of bottled water?
RexHuppke We're apple picking. I don't know why itinerant workers complain so much. This is delightful. Ooooo, kettle corn!
nathanrabin Just purchased an Ipod doc (my very first!) from Sears, apparently because I am a sixty-seven-year-old retiree.
slapclap Sometimes it feels like black character actors are all destined to just play parents in McDonald's commercials.
diplo wish that fleetwood mac was a band happenin now so I'd have something to listen to my girl with
gunthergreen My doctor told me that drinking too much alcohol can cause liver problems. No shit, Doc. That's why God gave us TWO of them. Idiot.
MrBigFists Why would I pay money to watch porn in my hotel room when I can climb 3 balconies over and watch it for free?
seancorcoran If you get a Hot Pocket in Russia, I'll bet it's just filled with smaller and smaller Hot Pockets.
kolchak School shootings are serious business. Clown school shootings: not so much.
NotGiamatti Struggled to clean out the car with a too-weak vacuum. Said to myself "This thing sucks. FIGURATIVELY! " Then laughed cause I'm an idiot.
Jim_Hamilton I hate to say "I told you so" while you're getting your stomach pumped, but...
artichoked Got a Black Card invitation in the mail. Way to pick your target market, guys. Like I could possibly drink *more* Cristal than I am already.
TheCline Co-worker's weekend recap *led* w\ "Friday night I watched Ghost Whisperer with my cat." Said it was scary, & not just the acting. Shudder.
Jim_Hamilton If I worked at Ellis Island, there is a very good chance your last name would be Weirdbeard.
hotdogsladies Any meal eaten with a plastic fork comes with a free side order of sad.
diplo listenin to my mom complain about antique roadshow and how dancin with the stars sux & granpa tryed to kick her out her own house
sportsguy33 I'm starting to get a complex - my tweeting is the only thing that the MNF booth hasn't complimented as "great" tonight.
artichoked The only upside to this intense cough is the fact that Dennis Quaid had finally been expelled from my lungs.
WadetoBlack If by Science you mean the crazy old lady at work not knowing how to properly button her blouse, then yes, I was indeed Blinded By Science.
genegeorge How many Law & Order: SVU writers dropped dead from pure orgasmic bliss when Roman Polanski was arrested? 30%?
diplo My mom just admitted she had a crush on my black friend! Ha! Dads mad and uncomfortable
yokoono Think of the Earth as a turning point in eternity. Think of the Earth as a meeting point in infinity.
blaine23 Look, there's rape. And then there's rape rape. And then there's druid rape. I don't think I need to tell which one scares me most.
adamisacson Peeing on a urinal cake while sucking on an Altoid: not recommended.
Jim_Hamilton I am about to watch my fourth episode of "Glee" today. Don't worry, masculinity, I'll probably shotgun some beers later.
thomaslennon I wonder if Megan Fox would be as successful if her name were Megan Beardfarts.
tj The ease with which The Wife feigns interest in whatever The Boy is prattling on about suggests she has years of practice pretending to—HEY!
Dolanite Bus nearly hit a popsicle truck on the bridge. That would suck except all the severd limbs could be packed in popsicles. Delicious limbs.
hotdogsladies TV poker offers a gripping glimpse into the high-stakes, winner-take-all world of wasting your life watching douchebags in sunglasses scowl.
VaginaDrum My comprehension of Italian is worse than I thought. Especially since my vocabulary begins and ends with "That's-a spicy meatball-a."
westoflondon Just bought a beginners cook book but i'm already fucked on page 1 where it says "Take a clean pan".
RexHuppke Life has gotten better since I decided the correct answer to "What would Jesus do?" is always: "Eat a donut." Good ol' Jesus.
JeeNeeBee The neighbor's dog is barking. I think she's trying to tell us something. I doubt Timmy's in the well...because, well, we don't have wells.
Girl11Eleven Haven't been on Twitter lately because I couldn't get a wi-fi signal from your bushes. Btw, I saw that thing you did. Freak.
Jim_Hamilton It's time to admit that I may never become famous for my beat poetry, Daddy-O.