Friday, October 30, 2009

The Best Tweets of the Week 10/23 - 10/30

Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:

  • I skew toward the amusing
  • I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
  • @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
  • I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
  • Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).

Ok, let's go to the tweets...

hotdogsladies Talk about a left-handed compliment. "Great news, Dr. Hodgkins! We've made you a treatable cancer!"

Ryan_Duncan The world would be a better place if you would JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, MOM! Can you cut my sandwich diagonally, please?

davio1962 If there's anything that tastes better than a Fuji apple, I haven't found it on the floor under this desk.

Dianneamus OH: "Dude, you have to see this chick. Her tits have their own zip code!"

hotdogsladies Remember, gang. There's no "I" in "confusion." Now, let's be careful out there.

Caissie The Skin of Your Neighbor Who You've Pretended to Help Search For #badhalloweencostumes

slag_mag Obama's release official portrait, Cheney blasts Sasha and Malia for "telegraphing weakness to Al-Qaida."

Jim_Hamilton Most of my friends are in Washington D.C. right now. There is a very good chance Lincoln's statue will be fellated.

gunthergreen I just rented "Valkyrie". I would much rather watch a movie where Hitler plots to kill Tom Cruise.

debenham Experiencing some tummy troubles, and my wife suggested I consume MORE vegetables! It's chilling to know the face of your killer.

Caissie I made my 10y.o. son friend me on his heretofore secret Facebook account. Now I know he's single & interested in networking.

CranberryPerson I have been pretty appathetic about spelling since I realized you can't spell appathy without h-a-p-p-y.

CourtneyReimer Wendy's will be soon tracking your mentions of bacon. Lucky for their statisticians they're not tracking "figuring out this Twitter thing."

knitterplease What I just did to that brownie is totally illegal in at least six states.

WadetoBlack Co-worker was just dumped by boyfriend and is crying, but I need to get past her to go pee. I wish Dora was here to help me find a shortcut.

ajonathancox My cat loves nothing more than q-tips and hiding in cupboards. Two more things we have in common, cat.

trixieboots Woke up with a nosebleed and I'm out of half-and-half. I'm pretty sure that second one is a harbinger of the apocalypse all by itself.

JephKelley Boss: "I got rear-ended last night." Me: "Hard? You OK?" B: "Totaled the other car." M: "Oh, oh, like a wreck." B: "..." My boss loves me.

WadetoBlack Oh hello there, 12pm lunch time conference call. Me not love you long time. Me so ornery.

thebenbrooks Yes, Thomas IS a helpful little tank engine. He just helped my wife and I enjoy 6 1/2 minutes of uninterrupted bliss.

bumpcrud Don't know if I can make it at this job another week and a half. I'm looking into the lucrative world of sidewalk bucket drumming.

FussySaffa Some stores r infused with a bakery smell 2 subconsciously entice u 2 buy bread.My local shop must be encouraging patrons to buy toiletpaper

hotdogsladies On the day Curious George finally puts it all together, The Man with the Yellow Hat's gonna wake up to a face full of angry fucking monkey.

artichoked The pharmacy hooked me up with pills and a free cupcake. Why yes, a spoonful of sugar does help the medicine go down.

TerryBain A woman just walked past my house with a helium balloon. Now I have to hate her for not stopping to give me that balloon. Stupid woman.

Rayke "I voted for Obama!" is the new "I have lots of black friends!".

davio1962 Surprised my opponent with made-up technique. Call it "Pseudo-Judo". Also call it "ineffective against legitimate martial arts moves".

westoflondon I like my tobacco like I like my women. Moist and behind the garage when the wife's not looking.

iamnotdiddy Just updated my resume with a "Strengths & Weaknesses" section. Strengths: Creative, sexy & telling people they are stupid. Weaknesses: N/A

diplo I was gonna rob this lil caesers pizza during the blackout but they already got this 8 pizzas for 5 dollars deal so im like fuck it

VaginaDrum My wardrobe is threefold: Things I wear during sex, Things I wear to have more sex and most importantly, 'I don't give a shit.'

therealcherilyn my 16 year old tells me she's on birth control. this marks the 4th time in my life that i've crapped my pants. the other times were for fun.

adamisacson In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man gets bumped into a lot. His lack of depth perception doesn't help.

Rayke If you stood Mickey Rourke and I next to each other, we'd look like the "before" and "after" picture on a crystal meth commercial.

FriedWords I bet if Hitler could've grown a goatee, he would've just been another angry barista rolling his eyes at my hot chocolate order.

JephKelley Violence is horrible. But if it's going to happen anyway, I wish more of it involved crossbows or those flail things with the spikey ball.

unsupervised All my sports news comes from people who were hoping to have a conversation with me.

MrBigFists I bet "I'm gonna eat my lumps, my lumps, my mushy Quaker lumps." never gets tired at the Fergie breakfast table.

cleapow Either there is a family of pigeons that live outside my window or my new neighbors have some really freaky sex.

cleapow I got my ipod back from Apple and it was sticky. I get you techs are lonely, but come on, I'll buy you some porn. Without computers in it.

ajonathancox Ninja Fact: Not a lot of people know that Ninjas are trained in the ancient art of 'doin it'. Me Fact: Allegedly, I'm an adult.

Trick_or_tweet Me: "I'm drawing Limbaugh on my boob for Halloween because he is one." Him: "You're nuts." Me: "So…can I draw me on your junk?"

Jim_Hamilton Some people do the dishes. Some people eat with a melon baller. You may not agree with my life, but you didn't just invent pancake balls.

DirtyGert No shit, the chair next to the space heater here just started smoking. I was 2 minutes away from being in a peter sellers movie.

navanax This new list feature is great. Please let me know if I have you properly listed under either 'jailbait' or 'yummy mummy'.

hotdogsladies The closest female equivalent to calling a guy "a pussy" is probably, "I LOVE how much you're like 'Cathy!'"

thebenbrooks I wanted to get a mammogram until I learned it's NOT a lady showing up at my house with a message written on her breasts.

artichoked "What else would you call them, other than Manfuck Steamshitter? We had this conversation several Christmases ago."

michaelianblack Performing at a synagogue tonight. Reminder: keep "Nazis weren't so bad" thoughts to self.

FriedWords My son's writing a ghost story & asked me what's scary. So I took off my shirt and said, "Look at it! LOOK AT IT! This'll be you one day!"

RexHuppke Cops investigating crimes against sexy women - Law & Order: Special Vixens Unit. Think about it, NBC. Think about it.

GSouder No one makes Thursday jokes because Thursdays are the Mario Lopez of the week. Maybe Thursday needs an irrelevant talk show.

WadetoBlack For the 1st time ever, I forgot to put hair gel in to go to work; and it's a no shave day. I'm a Stage 1 Kaczynski. Twitter is my manifesto.

FriedaClub Listening to IT guy explain GoogleWave gives me a better understanding of the look on my Golden Retriever's face as he watches me masturbate

CranberryPerson My wife had to ask if I would enjoy hot dogs for dinner. I am glad that after 12 years, she still finds me a little bit mysterious.

morgan_murphy I don't have a halloween costume, so I'm going to go to a party where nobody knows me and tell them I'm actually an Asian guy named Stu.

supmister Is it possible to have 298 middle-names? I'm asking for this 2500 word paper that won't write itself.

Aimee_B_Loved Dressing a toddler as Mel Gibson seems obvious. They already walk like they're drunk and gibber anti-Semitic remarks.

DogSolitude I'm pretty fuckin' sure that I don't want to live in a world where Al Roker dresses up as Han Solo ...

sherriva If texting while driving is more dangerous than drunk driving, then driving drunk while texting must be safe. Kind of like e = mc2.

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