Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
Girl11Eleven This recipe calls for extra thick whipping cream & chokecherries. Not sure if I'm supposed to eat this dessert or become its dominatrix.
cleapow I literally just replied to a dm with, "Oh snap!" Why hello 1996, how good of you to stop by.
Dolanite 2 cars almost hit me this pedestrian costume sucks.
VaginaDrum Going to the DMV today. I hope at least one of them is dressed up as someone who gives a shit.
unsupervised The truth is comparatively few people were Kung Fu Fighting.
Aimee_B_Loved I don't know what's more of a hassle to clean up: ee cummings or ee leavings.
michaelianblack Went to my kids' elementary school Halloween parade. Disappointingly few "slutty girl" costumes.
WadetoBlack Too lazy to Google it right now, but did Clarissa end up explaining it all? I had to stop watching in college after I made some FBI list.
unsupervised To the couple parked on Lovers Lane last night: I was trying to tell you your tire looked low. Please return my hook hand.
artichoked Can't decide between tacos at Torchy's or Juan in a Million. Sometimes life is hard y'all.
adamisacson Watching my 5-year-old lift up her shirt and spin around in circles. I mean, "play soccer."
johndstearns You call it walking around the neighborhood drinking. I call it taking the kids trick-or-treating. To-may-to, to-mah-to. Happy Halloween!
thebenbrooks 2 1/2 yr old will NOT take off her costume and has just announced: "Papa, scary monster needs to poop!"
thebenbrooks FINALLY settled on my Halloween costume. It's part 70's tennis star, part religious fanatic. I'm going as "Bjorn Again Christian Borg"
Girl11Eleven For Halloween, my sister gave me a bag of Twilight themed chocolates and now I'm making Edward & Bella make sweet vampire love in my mouth.
VaginaDrum Tomorrow is the day when Halloween candy goes on sale & coincidentally the day I get up early & stand outside Target waiting for it to open.
xrayedman Fact: It is very hard to carve a pumpkin into a penis but not that hard to put a penis into a pumpkin.
AndeeD With the right essential oils and candles, I think this cough is big enough to produce a demon.
VaginaDrum My Halloween plans? Just gonna eat candy, turn the lights off, hide the car in the garage, and watch Ernest Scared Stupid...sexily.
FartSandwich When I'm at the grocery store, I walk around and pretend I'm harshly judging what's in your cart. Then I push mine by. Full of cupcakes.
blaine23 What do you mean I'm supposed to wear pants in the bouncy house? What kind of children's Halloween party is this?
JeeNeeBee NEVER send a man out for Halloween candy. Seriously? Trail Mix? ...I may have to egg my own house.
glitterplease Today's edition of @glitterplease is brought to you by the letters x, a, n, a, and x.
GSouder CRAP, YOU GUYS, THE ZOMBIE INVASION HAS STARTED, I KILLED THREE ALRE- Huh? WTF is a "halloween"? Anyone know where I can put three bodies?
gunthergreen Some guy handed out Chinese food tonight. And he dressed like a Chinaman. With a Chinese delivery decal on his car. And he fought me for it.
yokoono Thank you all for sharing your knowledge. Halloween has been a 2 dimensional concept now became 5th dimensional. Thank you. yoko
ajonathancox Trick Or Treater Tally so far: 1 pirate, 5 clone troopers, 2 ninjas, 0 Hitlers.
steveagee Where was I at 2 a.m. you ask? Oh I don't know...how about TIME TRAVELING BACK TO FUCKING 1 A.M.?! Go fuck yourself, H.G. Wells!
kolchak If you think YOUR self esteem is low, remember that somewhere out there is an actor who wasn't good enough to be in "Saw 6"
sortaconfused As I sit here before this mountain of candy, I realize: it's not too soon to start working on next year's Halloween costume: Big Fat Guy.
NotGiamatti Put way too much cheese in my cheese omelet, essentially making it an egg cheeselet.
jonconley I swear to god I better never find which neighbor plays those damn bells every Sunday morning
RexHuppke Chocolate chips pancakes. Cause the 214 mini Twix last night weren't quite enough to nudge me into the morbidly obese column.
knitterplease Is there a sleep Olympics? That's what I'm doing. Training. For that.
reverendross Sunday again. Time to gather up a mess o' quarters & wash the salsa and fried chicken grease outta the ol' bedsheets.
debenham My 7yo is out driving his Powerwheels in yard, shirtless. If it were an ATV, and he in unlaced workboots, he could be from my hometown.
hotdogsladies I kinda like when people make a big drama of unfollowing me; same way I break up with banana peels. "No, I throw YOU away! YOU HEAR THAT?!"
CourtneyReimer Pharmacy guy: "You just come from the marathon?" Me: "Ha. No." Guy: "The gym?" Falling back an hour has evidently been quite aerobic for me.
saraschaefer1 Man selling pirated DVDs in the laundromat while 60 Minutes plays on the TV. It's a piece about DVD piracy. Who said irony was dead?
kristenoversix "Listen, I haven't figured out that fingerprint thing, but you totally look like you killed that guy and stuff." ~Me as a detective.
FriedWords I think the voice in my head sounds like Oprah, or maybe it's just Nell Carter. Either way, this fifth donut should shut her up for awhile.
Rayke Sure. Ryan Howard never touched the plate. But A-Rod fucked Madonna. So. I think it's a wash.
ajonathancox I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the shit that guy says his dad says is shit that his dad doesn't really say.
WadetoBlack I don't need a deerstalker hat, pipe and magnifying glass to figure out that there's no chance I'm seeing Sherlock Holmes in the theater.
michaelianblack Can we agree it's okay to start eating dogs? Not all. Just the friendly ones who want you to be happy. Like Lassie.
I_am_JMan Are pedophiles attracted to midgets too?
amywithlemon I really like Ben Fold's song 'Brick'. That baby dies at least twice a day in my car.
RexHuppke I either have a candy hangover or I'm having a stroke. Not sure which is less cool.
kolchak I guess "Has anyone ever told you that you look like the murderer from last week's 'monk?" is not a good enough compliment for some people.
Rayke The Bible is a lot like Star Wars in the sense that the original testament is *way* better than the shit that came out later. Also: Robes.
lefauxfrog I'll know I've made it when someone adds me to a "funny" Twitter list that doesn't include the words "unintentionally" or "looking".
matt_bearden Pretty sure my dog has developed an eating disorder. He'll only eat alone. At night. And he won't take his shirt off at the pool.
VaginaDrum Hootie & The Blowfish song playing in the hotel lobby. Must not get drunk off wine coolers, strip down to bra and cry like last time...
blaine23 How do I know my daughter is the cutest 3 year-old in the neighborhood? Everyone tells me how adorable she looks pushing that big lawnmower.
hotdogsladies Either Curious George is the best-written show on TV or I'm writing Larry King's USAToday column. Also Liza Minnelli is a national treasure.
I_am_JMan Checking out the NFL cheerleaders slideshow on SI.com. The Cincinnati Ben-gals are more Ben than gals. I guess pom-poms have a caste system.
Dianneamus Happened to notice the color of my bedroom floor. Who knew it wasn't the color of dirty jeans and underwear?
janiehaddad I just heard a train in the distance and I drove through heavy fog tonight. Am I supposed to be solving a murder?
Tony_D I'm so hungry, I'm gonna be all over this omelet like Jeffrey Dahmer on a hitchhiker. Too soon?
Dolanite Wearing my sweater buttoned at the top like a cape. Even Super Villains get cold in the office and need a cardigan once in a while.
Caissie Breastfeeding woman on train fell asleep, then baby dozed off, leaving her boob out. Hope it's MOST awkward jostle I have to commit today.
CranberryPerson Dilemma is spelled with one "L," not two, unless your confusion specifically relates to pickles.
RexHuppke Folding the newspaper, he dropped a piece of bacon into his coffee. He fished it out, then smiled. Something amazing was about to happen.
JephKelley Just checked my 401(k) balance. So long as I only live until mid-December, I could retire right now and never work another day in my life.
ajonathancox "Listen baby, this is real life. It's not all bedknobs & broomsticks out there." <-- I vow to work this into a conversation w/ my wife.
diplo I think this "dentist" is the same guy that stole my car from downton
davio1962 "Your usefulness is limited and then you only serve to weigh us down... You are the cast iron umbrella of this company."
Ulanice Taking a shower just to put in the same shirt as yesterday? Sounds like SUCCESS at life to me!
CleverUserName Everyone at the nursery tells me the same thing: "No, sir, we don't carry Crunchberry shrubs." Then they ask me to leave.
hotdogsladies Lotta Weezer songs are variations on "Pictures of Lily." Only the lady who makes Rivers masturbate died before he was born JUST to hurt him.
slag_mag Mike Huckabee's new Xmas book was charming until Rudolph's red nose was deemed a preexisting condition and he was dropped by Blue Shield.
gunthergreen The cool thing about oatmeal stout is it combines two of my favorite things into one easy-to-drink beverage: Alcohol and something else.
trixieboots Who knew that "round-robin" was originally a nautical term? Even more surprising, I did *not* learn this from a Decemberists song.
navanax BBQ Sauce in the bedroom leads to cannibalism.
bumpcrud The CEO is getting tear-y & saying I'm the best worker he's seen. My only thought is, "I think I left It's Always Sunny playing at my desk."
CourtneyReimer A study says internet addicts aren't less likely to go out. The small print adds: Except for those who never put on pants.
thomaslennon Sucks that swine flu season is gonna overlap with orgy season. Bummer.
WadetoBlack It's a tax-free weekend on energy-saving appliances in NC. I hope that includes a Roomba. I'll save craploads of energy by not vacuuming.
EricBarbaric At work i sit near the womens restroom, so i like to give them a thumbs up as they go in. i think they really appreciate it
slag_mag This computer is so slow that it actually calls for a real postman to come open Outlook.
davio1962 This constant throat-clearing is doing me no favors in regards to my quarterly Ninja Performance Review.
WadetoBlack After surgically removing all of the walnuts from this free brownie with a paperclip, I've realized I missed my calling. As a crazy person.
CleverUserName I think that even if the show "Growing Pains" cured cancer, it would still be best-known for having a character named Boner. Viva la Boner!
chrisilluminati Guy walking my neighborhood, looking and each house, and checking things on clipboard. Hope that's the awesome list and I get a check.
factualfiction Just read in the paper that Prince Charles "used to have fantasies that he was Camilla's tampon." Anyone know how to 'un-read' something?!
CranberryPerson If X < x =" the" y =" the" i =" in">
Kathy_L This new key says "Yale" on it. I am totally using it as credentials at my next job interview. "Of course I went there. I have a key."
michaelianblack Sometimes when I poo I'm pretend I'm having a baby out my butt. Then I flush and whisper, "Bye, bye baby."
WadetoBlack My career goal is simple: Make enough $$ to buy a few fancy things for my kids like rich people can. Such as Oreos when they aren't on sale.
Thaozilla To answer all these DMs: No, "laundromat" isn't an euphemism for my lady part.
kolchak In other news, all of Jefferson Starship have committed suicide when it was revealed that this city was built, in fact, on opera.
FriedWords Sorry, but when you named your dog 'Ninja' I just assumed you taught him how to catch arrows with his mouth. RIP Ninja.
Dolanite I bet when your a wizard there's a fine line between doing magic and crapping your pants. Just ask Gandolf.
Caissie My driver keeps talking about how he recently stopped "using" Coca-Cola. Wonder how often he goes to CCA meetings.
adamisacson Haven't figured out this hotel shower head. I just looked up while shampooing and waterboarded myself. I provided no useful intelligence.
WadetoBlack I'm wearing this band-aid on my cheek today to distract people from the obvious look of "I Just Don't Give a Shit" on my face.
Aimee_B_Loved Do these leggings make me look too "trying real hard to hide the death rattle of her youth"?
hollisgillespie I have to bring something "harvesty" to my girl's school's potluck tonite -- So I said to put me down for two dead deer hides full of mead.