With September here, the kids are off to school, and the networks and movie studios are getting themselves ready to offer new entertainment. And who better than GQ to offer us a look at some of the potential breakouts this Fall? I mean, they can certainly pick out a lot of clothes that would make me go bankrupt should I ever decide I need to look like a Croatian gangster.
Big Bond fan here, so I appreciated a look at some of the funnier moments from the films. Though Moonraker does step from funny to silly once or twice. Let's pretend it never happened.
To me, there's few things weirder or eerier than an abandoned amusement park. Don't think so? Check out these pictures first. And then imagine you're there and a gang of rogue, out of work, disheveled looking clowns are stumbling after you while you are taking a look at the dilapidated roller coaster. Because obviously out of work clowns frequent abandoned amusement parks.
So it seems that Hollywood, in its attempt to create huge piles of money this summer, kinda did the opposite. Once again I'm reminded of a snake eating itself, as this graph suggests they released too many blockbusters, and the public simply said enough. Of course, I also might argue that the quality of these blockbusters had something to do with it as well.
It's funny. Today I woke up and started thinking about what I could have for breakfast. There's cereal, eggs, pancakes, and all that jazz, but I wasn't really feeling any of that. What I really wanted was some fried soup.
Not sure why it was ever considered a flop, although I wondering if it had to do with the idea that critics weren't ready for a movie with both Martin Mull AND Tim Curry. Stupid critics. And yes, I'm talking about CLUE!
And finally - the return of Jam of the Day!
It's So Easy - The Peddlers
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Thoughts About FOX's New Show: The Following
It's called The Following.
It stars Kevin Bacon. And that might be the only reason you wouldn't believe that it's not on cable; the fact that Kevin Bacon is in this.
Because seriously, after the first episode, the number of suspensions of disbelief this show asks the viewer to make hover in the triple digits.
Let's get a brief summary of the show out of the way. Pretty much the set up is that of Michael Mann's Manhunter. An FBI agent hunts and captures a serial killer, but it takes a lot out of him - including his heart! (you see he has a pacemaker now keeping him alive. Also he drinks a lot. Unless the shot of him pouring vodka into a water bottle was to fake drink around people really was set up as pouring water from a vodka bottle into a water bottle for the audience. Because that's how this show works.)
Anyway...
The serial killer escapes. And escapes gorily. So the FBI calls in the former agent (that's Kevin Bacon if you haven't figured it out) to "consult." on catching him again. Which is fine, except for the fact that the "consulting" he does (meaning figuring out stuff the FBI and police can't) is really bare bones and kind of academic to police investigation 101. (Seriously, he was the one to figure out this guy was on the internet when he was allowed to go to the library to "research his case?")
So now that we know Bacon is a badass with a pacemaker, we are slowly immersed in the serial killer's new plan for infamy: teaching people how to be serial killers. As in, he finds (or found) people online during his prison stay, saw some psychopathy in them, and trained them to kill.
If you can get past that hurdle, it gets better, in that he also has them devise an incredibly intricate plan, that took years in the execution, to not only kill the one surviving witness that helped put him away, but also to kidnap his son. All in an effort to embarrass the FBI agent that caught him.
I think.
Look, Kevin Bacon is decent in this (he's not given a whole bunch to work with) and the guy who may or may not have been in The Faculty (I'm too lazy and ashamed to look him up) is eager to be decent in this. The rest of the actors though are cliched and boring. And the plot - I mean, at first, when I found out he was training serial killers I figured that's how they would keep this show going, by making it a "catch the killer" of the week. But watching the previews for the show, it seems it is not going in that direction at all, instead becoming a singular story about finding the missing child, which...
Look I'll suspend my disbelief for a show if I think it's going at least in a decent direction. But in the first hour of The Following, 3 characters "flipped" from being sympathetic to evil simply to shock the audience and make it extremely easy for the serial killer to pull off his dastardly plan. There was no set up, which meant the payoff was hackneyed and tacked on. Because now, we can't trust any character on the show. None of them. It has been established that apparently anyone can turn into a serial killer at any point when the show needs them to, including the MAIN CHARACTER (I'll get to that point in a moment). I guess that can work in this first hour, but now that it's been established so early on, I refuse to trust anyone on the show. And that's not fun for any viewer.
It also seems that FOX thinks that gore is the key to success, as many of the killings were staged with as much blood as possible. It seems in fact, that that is what FOX believes is the key to cable programming: gore. You know, since Mad Men has all that blood.
These of course aren't the only issues I had with the show, just the major ones. I'm sure they have set up some scenes to play off of and "twist" in later episodes. I'm also not sure if the pace will slow down as we move forward, or attempt to match the runaway train speed of the pilot. I'm hoping for the former; I'm betting we get the latter. I just wish the standard serial killer tropes were so abundant. It's as if the creators figured by stuffing more in, the viewer would be excited.
And then there's the Kevin Bacon role. As of right now, he's playing every cliche of a former, now disgraced FBI investigator. We're subjected to a few flashbacks from his initial investigation to show us how he got this way, (obviously he got TOO CLOSE to the case!) and what this entanglement will mean going forward. I will say this - and this is what I alluded to earlier...
I was mildly intrigued by the events of the night Hardy (Bacon's investigator) caught Carroll (the serial killer). It had been established early on that Hardy had started following Carroll, recognizing him as the main suspect. And since Carroll was a professor, Hardy was on the college campus a lot (it wasn't made clear whether he was posing as a student or what, but he alluded to hearing Carroll lecture, so I don't know other than I'm reading way too much into a show that doesn't deserve or hold up to this scrutiny). So, we see in flashback Hardy walking down a path and bump into 2 girls who are on their way to a house which, you guessed it - Carroll is waiting for them in. Hardy lets them go, then follows them back to the house, hears a scream and blammo goes in and gets stabbed but shoots Carroll and blah blah blah.
What I want to know is, it seemed as though when Hardy bumped into the girls, he was walking away from the house. It seems ridiculous as a coincidence, which would then suggest he knew Carroll was there. But if he did, he didn't act as though he did once he heard the scream.
It's all very confusing and obviously could be chalked up to an incredible coincidence...but if they introduce some sort of hypnotism plot line, I'm going to be very disappointed.
Even more disappointed than I am currently with this show. And that's saying something.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Friday, October 16, 2009
The Best Tweets of the Week 10/9 - 10/16
Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
thebrianposehn Finally saw Zombieland. Good shit. Almost as fun as actually killing zombies.
WadetoBlack The way Belichick was desperately searching for McDaniels on the field, I expect him to take out a Missed Connections ad on Craigslist.
VaginaDrum Watching a movie in Spanish. I don't understand it, but at first everyone was like 'lol' and then there was a gun so now it's like 'uh oh.'
StillDrew There aren't nearly as many killer robots at Home Depot as there should be. Not for a place claiming to have everything I need for my house.
adamisacson I see: "Word saved changes to the normal document template. Do you want to load it?" I read: "Why are you still using this shoddy product?"
TheCline You know you've been working with someone named Thong for a while when the phrase 'Thong covered my anatomy' is said and noone even titters.
CourtneyReimer It's not bad on the level of, say, smallpox-infected blankets, but having to work on Columbus Day is pretty wretched.
diplo Cleveland airport playin that santana wyclef record for like ever.. This is what hell sounds like
apodixis Oh God, this Burt's Bees shampoo smells rank. It think it was made from the urine of diabetic children.
hotdogsladies Clients who want freebies in exchange for "future work" are as beneficial as the cellmate who "highly recommends" your rim jobs.
serafinowicz If the Ghostbusters ghost just moved his left hand to the top half of the red sign, he could easily escape.
Rayke Monday is the 9/11 of weekdays.
sortaconfused Thank God they came out with the new leopard & zebra print Snuggys. Before that, none of the colors matched my Crocs.
hotdogsladies In Google Wave. Waiting for a friend. It's like sitting in an airport terminal where 500 people are TALKING LOUDLY about airport terminals.
adamisacson 5-yr-old: "I don't want to go to the art museum." My wife: "C'mon. Art is good for the soul." 5yo: "What's a 'soul?'" Me: [Stifled laughter]
hotdogsladies San Francisco is the first place I've lived where the *prediction* of rain makes people drive erratically.
gunthergreen Heading over to facebook for a while to find out what time that girl I banged in high school is taking her kid to hockey practice tomorrow.
CourtneyReimer I don't know what's more disturbing: that some sickos made a Zach Braff death hoax or that the debunking story refers to him as a comedian.
westoflondon My wife told me that people who swear a lot have a small vocabulary. So I told her to fuck off.
gunthergreen I didn't drink too much last night. There just wasn't enough hours in between when I stopped and now with daylight savings space time thing.
WadetoBlack It sucks I don't work with any Canadians. I really would've liked the lunch I steal from the fridge today to be a leftover turkey sandwich.
(ed. note: Canada's Thanksgiving was on Sunday. I think. At the very least it was sometime this past week.)
CranberryPerson Someone on Twitter named her cat after me. This must be how John Stamos feels when a cat gets named "John Stamos."
Caissie Realized I have unintentionally been participating in "Sober October." Let's see if I can be more deliberate for "Dismember November."
designbuff Anyone interested in a color printer? If so, head over to my building, I'll be pitching the piece of shit out the window in like 20 seconds.
artichoked I stopped doing sit ups to pay closer attention to something on tv & fell asleep on the floor. Really illustrates my dedication to fitness.
adamisacson Oprah says switch to whole grains. I had Dunkin' Donuts make me a bacon, egg and cheese on _whole wheat_ bagel. I feel healthier already.
kolchak Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Unless it's to Jessica Alba. He's pretty proud of his work on that one.
biloon Tonight is German circus night. I feel like I'm going to see something that I was never meant to see.
xrayedman My wife seems concerned that I thought our dog has ESP. Told her I was kidding; but I *know* he is talking about me behind my back.
davio1962 My stylist offers "celebrity" haircuts w/ cost that varies by popularity. In my price range is a choice between Eraserhead & Coolio.
xrayedman I get all teary eyed when I hear that song 'Muskrat Love' cause it reminds me of the time we had to eat our pet Muskrat during hard times.
JephKelley Just re-enacted that scene from "Heat" with Pacino and DeNiro at the table. I was DeNiro. Pacino was a burrito. And DeNiro just ate Pacino.
kolchak Turns out if you have scissors and duct tape you can modify livestrong bracelets to be livestrong cock rings.
knitterplease I'm pretty sure that Canadian Sasquatch is a relative on my mom's side of the family. Related: I have to wax my eyebrows again.
keithglover Okay, which prankster gave this granny in front of me, hot chick smelling perfume? Although, is it wrong if it smells so right? Sooo right
debenham Planning on starting a weekend concert series called Tea & Symphony. Wherein I will beat up anyone who shows up at such a thing.
thomaslennon I could probably have a shorter ringtone than November Rain. (if you call me, don't hang up, I'm just waiting for the lyrics to kick in)
WadetoBlack I have to go fax something. I'm hoping there are some zines I can read while waiting for it to go through.
bumpcrud Apparently, The duties of "Office Fire Marshall" do NOT include screaming, "THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOU WILL DIE" during a drill. Duly noted.
Aimee_B_Loved The most shocking thing about Captain Lou Albano's death is finding out that he hadn't been dead this whole time.
xrayedman Scientists say that if all the cows in the world were placed end to end there would be a really long line of poop. Science is hard.
kolchak There is no free lunch. There are free half eaten twinkies. In the garbage. It was worth it.
slag_mag As we approach 2010, whichever party promises to create an afforable taquito air drop program will have my vote.
GooseHonk I just spent my lunch painstakingly weeding out all the dark meat from my stir fry bowl. I felt like a casting director for The Bachelor.
serafinowicz If I was going to get a tattoo, I'd get "If I was going to get a tattoo, I'd get a tattoo of the word 'tattoo'." tattooed.
knitterplease I put my pants on just like anyone else: reluctantly.
chucknoritz Does the bathroom at your McDonald's have a hobo offering up hand jobs in exchange for a Big Mac? If not then you gotta check out mine.
hotdogsladies "Dorothy wants to ask someone else!" DOES she, Elmo? Or is Mr. Noodle just so symbolic of the frail human condition that it blows your mind?
kolchak Monsters LOVE to do the monster mash when they're not slaughtering children, hanging out under bridges, or smearing poop on cars.
Jessabelle2o7 Upon hearing that The Rape Tunnel is a hoax, Bert stopped grooming his Rape 'Stache and left the museum, mad at himself for daring to dream.
deighvan Head Cold vs. Immune System: The Battle at Right Nostrilia
davio1962 Gonna be one of those days. Missed my hair while applying shampoo & it slid down my back instead. Had to change my shirt and everything.
isplotchy Uh oh Garth Brooks is creeping up the Trending Topics, like a monster emerging from the primordial ooze of the right sidebar!
Aimee_B_Loved Time to find the hedge clippers. It looks like a Nick Nolte mugshot down there.
cleapow Wearing a skirt, which puts me in the position to do some really unladylike things today
Caissie 2 guys in next seat on train are arguing over which has had a worse public defender. I'll let you know if I become an "Innocent Bystander."
WadetoBlack I just made sure to change the break room TV to something even more insidious than Balloon Boy - a repeat of Full House.
BlueLanugo CNN? This is Falco. Yes, the guy who did "Rock Me, Amadeus." I heard everyone was looking for me. Well, here I am! What's that? Oh.
kolchak Before her horrible death, I'm sure Anne Frank would have been comforted by the thought of future comparisons between her and a balloon boy.
RexHuppke Has anyone ever actually had an alibi for being U-G-L-Y?
brendancollins Didn't realize that NYC would be turning into a rainy Hoth this week.
summersumz I'm a wine ninja. Except for the fact I am LOUD when I drink. So, really not a ninja at all.
adamisacson Everyone on this plane is perfectly quiet, but really unattractive. I brought noise-cancelling headphones, but no sight-cancelling glasses.
Friday, July 31, 2009
The Best Tweets of the week 7/24 - 7/31
Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threatening! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules (and now so is Yoko Ono).
Ok, let's go to the tweets...
JephKelley Katy Perry just sang on The Today Show. She has the voice of an angel. ...Having its larynx ripped out by a zombie.
kolchak I guess syfy settled on "imagine greater" as a slogan because "imagine shitty B-movies about giant crocodiles and rock monsters" didn't fit.
theotisjones i bet you skeletor takes the threat of geting skull-fucked more serious than any other megalomanical villian.
adamisacson I'm still using one of those razors with only the three blades. So of course I look like a hobo today.
jdickerson I hadn't checked my horoscope but there it is plain as day: tonight you will have 6 angry trombones and a drum set under your office window.
clubtrillion In case you cared (and why would you?), my plans for the Bachelorette finale tonight include not watching the Bachelorette finale tonight.
therealcherilyn FYI there isn't any golden pot of pot at the end of the rainbow. that dorothy is a lying fucking twat.
BlueLanugo There's sad and then there's Rite-Aid-Manager sad.
JephKelley Nothing about a bad day that a burrito can't fix. God Bless Mexico or Spain or wherever this baby-sized bastard in front of me originated.
davio1962 I do get pleasure from vacuuming up the occasional bug when cleaning the basement. Only kidding. I don’t vacuum. Or clean the basement.
WhatCandyThinks I’m thinking that if you are waiting for Jesus, you should be hiding those crosses before the sight of them scares him back to death again.
rbender Tonight I saw "Harry Potter and the Two Hours of Awkward Teen Sexual Frustration".
mookiewilson86 First Tony Bernazard, now Omar Minaya's challenged someone to a fight? The Mets have become West Side Story. Only much, much, much, gayer.
xrayedman The bluebird of hapiness left me some time ago. The chicken of despair is now my constant companion.
AndyD215 There's been a fruit fly flying around my room for two weeks. I've named him "asshole".
FriedWords Not sure my wife appreciates my new Dukes of Hazzard move where I freeze right before climax & say, "How the boys gonna get outta this one?"
lefauxfrog I like to wear t-shirts adorned with photos of people wearing t-shirts ironically.
Rayke The thing about my apartment building being littered with ducks and hobos is that dropping a single piece of bread makes for blood-sport.
blueeyeddeb Coworker to me: Where did you get the coconut M & M's, the store? Me: No, I planted seeds. She didn't laugh as much as I thought she would.
davio1962 There are two kinds of people in this world. One that can maintain their train of thought
xrayedman Thinking back on it, Smell ya later poop-sicle was probably not the best way to end that conference call.
DougBeatty Things I think about while driving: Did Weird Al already make an Ikea joke song for "The Sweetest Thing"? What rhymes with Allen Wrench?
xrayedman As the 2 boys crawled home bruised and battered they had learned a lesson--drinking milk straight from the cow was harder than it sounded
michaelianblack Devastated that Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush broke up before I could popularize my nickname for them: Rimmy Karbushian.
NotGiamatti On the way home, Billy Squire's "Lonely Is the Night" came on the radio. I had forgotten that song existed. I will never forgive you , WYSP.
amynicole21 Oreos and rum & coke for dinner. Sometimes it's not completely horrible being a grownup.
keithwade Do not like to hear about major storms and power outages back home while on vacation. Hard to enjoy myself not knowing if my DVR is working.
Kathy_L Time for a workout. I'm going to sweat like Kirstie Alley in a room full of whiskey and crumb cakes.
Kathy_L Just killed an ant that I probably could have counted as a dependent on my taxes based on its size. I guess it's time for an exterminator.
xrayedman A great example to that American can-do spirit is the ability of the people with some of the the lowest IQs on the planet to cook meth.
sherriva I was told by my son that the Journey song I was listening to was "elderly music" so I traded him in for a puppy.
diplo I'm wearin a cowboy hat ridin a wild boar thru oahu
adamisacson If you hear them simultaneously, Coldplay and my voicemail sound like an overwrought concept album about a guy who misses deadlines.
xrayedman Got stuck behind a log truck on a 2 lane road in a thunderstorm. To pass the time we played the "how many ways can we die" game.
FriedWords My 3 yr old's nose keeps bleeding. Worried he may actually be a vampire with a cold, which doesn't bode well for the height of my genitals.
blaine23 Held the elevator for unappreciative ladies who took forever to cross the lobby. I believe I've earned enough karma to murder with impunity.
yokoono All of us are 90% water. Make an effort to clean that water and keep it clean, so it will be an oasis for yourself and for the world.
chucknoritz When I woke up this banana was lodged in my ear and the other end was coming out of my ass! It's 2 different bananas? Oh man, you got me!
mmmeghan Eating pizza, watching the Dark Knight, looking at porn...you know, typical work day stuff.
JephKelley Some days, you're the windshield. Others, the bug. Unless you're a bug from Starship Troopers, which would frigging wreck a windshield.
jimgaffigan I was going to eat popcorn but to save time I just rammed things in between my teeth.
kolchak Logging onto facebook. I've been dying to see my friends lists of top 5 cars all day.
diplo http://twitpic.com/c7gxt - i just seen this out side my hotel in hawaii...!! yuk!!
kolchak And just think, if all of our doctors were like Patch Adams, we'd have a lot of doctor murdering incidents.
hendge I can't believe Pablo Sandoval is a 3rd baseman. He looks like he ate the 3rd baseman. Kung Fu Panda indeed. (I hate that nickname).
nhmagpie “Chilling out” in Japanese is only disemboweling & slicing off 3 people's heads. If you then laugh, it's considered casual Friday.
FriedWordsMy 3 year-old thought it'd be funny to poke his mom in the ass with a stick. "Trust me son, mommy really doesn't like that."
Friday, April 17, 2009
The best Tweets of the week 4/10 - 4/17
Every week I go back and post my favorite tweets I got during the preceding week. Want to be included in the lunacy? Follow me and be funny, interesting, or threaten me! As always, here are the rules:
- I skew toward the amusing
- I won't publicize anyone's stuff if they are locked unless they give me permission (the KChop rule)
- @ replies rarely get on here unless their self explanatory and don't need set up
- I do love me the setup and punchline stuff, but if they span over multiple tweets, I'm not inclined to include them.
- Diplo is immune to any of these rules.
moeturner Tom is teaching my 75 yr old father to use the internet. Dad is into birds, so Tom says "you may not want to search the tit bird"
Jim_Hamilton Awaken by hammering. I guess someone waited until the last minute to build their Good Friday cross.
JeffHilliard Just got hired to wear my bunny suit tomorrow night at a show and have a midgit pretend he is doing me from behind. happy easter/passover
diplo Ok my job is done!! After party 2 people tazed.. cops wippen people in the head with flashlitez and I played lumidee peace out missouri
kwade15 Going to yet another Easter Egg Hunt. Would be more challenging if it was Easter Bunny Hunt, Most Dangerous Game-style.
JeffHilliard When I'm at home I like to open my windows and yell things like yahtzee or bingo bitch, so my neighbors will think I have friends.
diplo man i wish I took acid in st louis with my homeboy yesterday totally forgot.. anyone got a drop of acid for me for jesus zombie day in LA?
ScottAukerman Mexican food is like a video game where you win diarrhea!
jdickerson 3 of 4 days of church and our kids have finally learned the eternal message of Easter: dinosaurs can hatch from eggs dropped in water
nathanrabin is just a day away from half-price Easter candy. Sweet, sweet half-price Easter candy.
debenham My friend Chris, who teaches @ a prison, tells me there's a weird little D&D subculture among the inmates there. Don't kill Adebisi's druid!
hotdogsladies When there's a Nuremberg-style trial for lite jazz, I'll be there every day, holding a picture of Monk, and throwing shit at Kenny G's cage.
diablocody My new assistant is here, wondering why I have a monocle. She doesn't yet know I'm into Mr. Peanut cosplay.
ChrisSpags I just realized I've got a hole in the groin area of my pants. These pants may not make it through the day without me giving someone a show.
AnthonyDeVito I'm so happy that a new population of 2,000 orangutans has been found in Borneo. Because I've been itching to kill some orangutans.
ScottAukerman If you felt the date rape in Observe & Report was unfunny, AND you have jury duty in Van Nuys Apr 23, may I ask that you PLEASE play hooky?
debenham Chance I've accidentally ingested plastic Easter grass during one of my fucking stupid cheap-candy eating frenzies today: 98%.
GinaEgger Every 2 weeks I have a routine: I buy bags of fruit and vegetables, let them rot in the drawer, and then go buy new ones to replace them.
CourtneyReimer Are newspapers worth saving? Yes. (Said the girl who is scrambling to find something to wrap her dishes in before the movers come tomorrow.)
samantharobot Pepper and I ate jelly beans and watched Nova and laughed and laughed tonight. Also, Pepper is a puppet.
janiehaddad Was only female in an all male subway car on the way home. It felt like Jody Foster in The Accused.
Caissie Didn't realize people ate skunk, but completely obvious my driver just polished off a skunk sandwich before picking me up.
KimberlyKane Angel dust and my dress just comes undone
DougBenson Hey, could someone catch me up on what happened in CRANK 1 and then kick yourself in the balls for knowing that information? (Ladies only!)
ChrisSpags Porn stars tweeting about sex is like me tweeting about an Excel spreadsheet. With slightly more goo.
rbender Perhaps I'm being way too honest in my online dating profiles. The stuff about my uncontrollable pyromania might be scaring women off.
debenham Just discovered, through deduction/laundry, that my 9-year-old has been freeballing it for at least a week. I must now go pray on this.
calindrome The whole Kutcher-CNN race is vomitrocious. *So* not what Twitter is about. #who #cares
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The Good...The Bad...The Beautiful #43
THE GOOD:
There's a lot going on in this 15 second of video. The ninja spring out from what appears to be the back of a row home in Northeast Philly to kill a guy fresh from the local dinner theater's production of Saturday Night Fever; the long, tired gasp from the victim that almost lasts as long as his final scene; the realization by the victim that the war these two are engaged in is futile...I could go on and on.
Bad and Beautiful on the flip side...
THE BAD:
And there's a lot of bad with this video. Starting with the fact that The Gong Show shouldn't exist without Chuck Barris. Why no one could realize that is beyond me.
THE BEAUTIFUL:
Some guy trying out for the NBADL. Not sure why he didn't get a call back. For the hair alone.
There's a lot going on in this 15 second of video. The ninja spring out from what appears to be the back of a row home in Northeast Philly to kill a guy fresh from the local dinner theater's production of Saturday Night Fever; the long, tired gasp from the victim that almost lasts as long as his final scene; the realization by the victim that the war these two are engaged in is futile...I could go on and on.
Bad and Beautiful on the flip side...
THE BAD:
And there's a lot of bad with this video. Starting with the fact that The Gong Show shouldn't exist without Chuck Barris. Why no one could realize that is beyond me.
THE BEAUTIFUL:
Some guy trying out for the NBADL. Not sure why he didn't get a call back. For the hair alone.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
When I win my Oscar...
We all have dreams. They're what make us continue this meaningless existence, instead of offing ourselves in hopes of receiving those 77 virgins.
One of my dream has always been to win an Oscar. Most likely for writing/directing/producing and not acting, since well, sure Marissa Tomei won an Oscar so there's a chance, but seriously, I think since then, they've gone back to giving the award to people that give good performances. So that avenue has pretty much been closed.
Regardless, in case it happens very suddenly (I'm not 100% sure how it works - is it like a lottery?) I've made sure I'm ready with an acceptance speech. And I've included it here, on the flip side...
Excuse the eye patch. It's a long story.
I have a couple thank yous that I would like to just get out of the way right at the start here, so if I may get right into it...
I'd like to thank my parents - if dad hadn't thought Saran Wrap would be a good enough condom, well, I probably wouldn't be here right now.
I'd like to thank my second grade teacher for having such a fantastic rack. Seeing those boobs everyday gave me the chutzpah and erection I needed to make it through this shark infested industry - even more than when my uncle and I would play "Hooker and the angry John," when he used to come over during his furloughs. Thanks Dukakis!
I'd like to thank my college film professor, for refusing to cooperate with the police after viewing my senior snuff film project. And they said circumstantial evidence was enough to convict!
I’d like to thank my college roommate as well for giving me a helping hand with that problem I had that one night. And to think, you said there was no reason to carry a shovel in the trunk!
In closing I'd just like to say it's amazing to me that with this award, I am one step closer to realizing my life long dream of filming myself bang a porn star. Hell... last night, right before she stole my wallet and her pimp beat me up, I actually thought I had accomplished that dream. Oh well, at least I've explained the eye patch.
Again thanks to everyone, and we're in room 206 over at the Ramada if any of you lovely ladies want to stop by and put the "ouch" back in "casting couch."
Rowwr!
One of my dream has always been to win an Oscar. Most likely for writing/directing/producing and not acting, since well, sure Marissa Tomei won an Oscar so there's a chance, but seriously, I think since then, they've gone back to giving the award to people that give good performances. So that avenue has pretty much been closed.
Regardless, in case it happens very suddenly (I'm not 100% sure how it works - is it like a lottery?) I've made sure I'm ready with an acceptance speech. And I've included it here, on the flip side...
Excuse the eye patch. It's a long story.
I have a couple thank yous that I would like to just get out of the way right at the start here, so if I may get right into it...
I'd like to thank my parents - if dad hadn't thought Saran Wrap would be a good enough condom, well, I probably wouldn't be here right now.
I'd like to thank my second grade teacher for having such a fantastic rack. Seeing those boobs everyday gave me the chutzpah and erection I needed to make it through this shark infested industry - even more than when my uncle and I would play "Hooker and the angry John," when he used to come over during his furloughs. Thanks Dukakis!
I'd like to thank my college film professor, for refusing to cooperate with the police after viewing my senior snuff film project. And they said circumstantial evidence was enough to convict!
I’d like to thank my college roommate as well for giving me a helping hand with that problem I had that one night. And to think, you said there was no reason to carry a shovel in the trunk!
In closing I'd just like to say it's amazing to me that with this award, I am one step closer to realizing my life long dream of filming myself bang a porn star. Hell... last night, right before she stole my wallet and her pimp beat me up, I actually thought I had accomplished that dream. Oh well, at least I've explained the eye patch.
Again thanks to everyone, and we're in room 206 over at the Ramada if any of you lovely ladies want to stop by and put the "ouch" back in "casting couch."
Rowwr!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Links of Interest 6/11
Remember when cities were going to be built around this wonderful invention - and then the invention turned out to be Segways? Sometime between then and now they went from being able to revolutionize the way people commuted to being a good prop for comedic gold. For evidence, click here.
Absurd this guy thinks the army can force protesters away by forcing them to take a dump. 1. The Brown Note, up to this point, is a fallacy, and 2. What militaristic group would want to deal with the aftermath of unleashing a weapon like this on a crowd of thousands? Think about it.
Two great sets of pictures...one capturing the recent world events involving water, the other involving pictures of space.
Why isn't the possibility of games being fixed in the NBA getting more attention? True, it could simply be a guilty man trying anything to deflect blame off himself and making things up, but still - shouldn't it be investigated? Other than an occasional story buried on ESPN, I've seen nothing about this. Isn't there an expose in here somewhere? Steroids in baseball get congressional hearings; an alleged NBA game fixing conspiracy gets a couple words and that's it.
Absurd this guy thinks the army can force protesters away by forcing them to take a dump. 1. The Brown Note, up to this point, is a fallacy, and 2. What militaristic group would want to deal with the aftermath of unleashing a weapon like this on a crowd of thousands? Think about it.
Two great sets of pictures...one capturing the recent world events involving water, the other involving pictures of space.
Why isn't the possibility of games being fixed in the NBA getting more attention? True, it could simply be a guilty man trying anything to deflect blame off himself and making things up, but still - shouldn't it be investigated? Other than an occasional story buried on ESPN, I've seen nothing about this. Isn't there an expose in here somewhere? Steroids in baseball get congressional hearings; an alleged NBA game fixing conspiracy gets a couple words and that's it.
Monday, June 9, 2008
The Hidden Hollow Files
The Hidden Hollow Files is an attempt to recount the golden era (1991-1994) of Hidden Hollow Swim Club, a pool facility nestled in the suburbs of Philadelphia.
For previous Hidden Hollow Files, go here, here and here.
Filter Cleaning
If the average person were asked to list the most dangerous jobs they could think of, lifeguarding probably falls near the bottom. After all, who thinks sitting out in the sun all day is wrought with peril? Aside from possibly falling off a lifeguard stand or the occasional bout of heatstroke (and you’d have to be really stupid to suffer that, since the nature of your job sits you in close proximity to a large body of water) there aren’t too many occupational hazards one could come up with.
And that’s why lifeguarding at Hidden Hollow was so different…
Danger lurked in many of the nooks and crannies at the swim club, making the job that much more interesting for teenagers who think they’re invincible. You either embraced the fact that you could die in a variety of different ways and went about your business, or you took a job picking strawberries in the fields with men that may or may not have seen the business end of a whip working plantations down in the south. Danger certainly kept you on your toes, and there were many a guard who couldn’t handle it.
Which is why it’s so strange that of all the things that happened to us at the pool, the closest I ever came to death (and it wasn’t mine) had nothing to do with faulty machinery, and everything to do with the evil that lives in the heart of man. To explain how it all went down however, takes a little background into how the pool operated, and how we worked that system to its fullest advantage…
Being a lifeguard at Hidden Hollow didn’t mean sitting in the sun all day and ogling bikini-clad nannies and moms who had treadmills in their basements. Off the stand, guards were expected to handle a variety of tasks that kept the pool operational. And as anyone who has worked behind the scenes of a public facility will tell you, one will find the underbelly of humanity doing those tasks. Apparently, the general public is a group that feels entitled – entitled to treat any place that isn’t theirs as a sewer. An involuntary witness to a variety of disgust and shame, Hidden Hollow could harden one like no other summer job could. As the movie 8mm told us, “There are some things you can’t unsee.”
Running the pool meant more than a sticking a few hoses in the pool to make sure they were chemically safe for people to enjoy. There were bathrooms to clean, trash to dispose of, trees to prune, picnic benches to move (don’t ask); basically a lot of general upkeep that people don’t think about and a lot of cleaning and disposal of things that people don’t want to think about. And since these jobs were less than glamorous, few people openly volunteered for them. Most guards happily slathered themselves up with baby oil and made a day of bronzing themselves out in the summer sun, paying lazy attention to the pools while getting paid. The boredom of a lifeguard stand seemed like a good option when faced with mucking out a bathroom.
Unfortunately, I could never truly enjoy the sun like my leather-skinned bound coworkers. Never mind that being a redhead forced me to see the sun as God’s assassin. Sitting alone for 8 hours a day twirling a whistle between my fingers just didn’t keep my brain occupied. And there were only so many 2-foot handball games I could umpire before the kids stomped out of the pool in protest of one of my calls. (2-foot handball games were great, don’t get me wrong. Being that the pool was octagonal in shape, it made for a perfect field. Throw a nerfball into the mix, and anywhere from 2 to possibly 20 (I’ve seen it) kids can have fun playing a crude game of baseball.) Seriously though, I can still feel the drips of sweat trickle down my back as I sat in those fiberglass chairs during high noon, trying to visually patrol a 50-meter long pool packed with summer vacation kids who made the extras from Escape from New York look like nuns. After awhile, my little remaining sanity begged me to look for alternatives.
Enter filter cleaning.
Hidden Hollow was made up of 3 large pools. One filter kept the 2 original pools of the swim club “cleanish;” later when a third pool was added, the owners realized the original system couldn’t handle everything so they built a second filter specifically for the new pool. Each filter sat within fifteen feet of one another, covered with huge heavy steel plates, to insure no hyperactive three year olds running through the grounds would plummet to their deaths. Too heavy for one person, they had to be removed one by one to get into the guts of the filters.
Without getting too technical (because I’m pretty sure no one knows the true technical side of it) pool water went into the filters, with all the leaves, dirt, food, trash, fecal matter, dead insects, plastic toys, sexual paraphernalia, rodents, etc. that landed or fell into a pool throughout a normal day, and after a rinse cycle of sorts through chemical-doused plates, would come back out, all clean and ready to face the day.
Of course, all that debris stayed in the filter, creating a delicious, gooey soup. And that soup couldn’t be left to stew for too long, so the filters had to be cleaned out about once a week. A simple definition of cleaning of the filters meant two people had to shut them down, completely drain them, get down in the muck and scoop out the clutter and diatomaceous earth (I think it was put in to kill bacteria, and organisms before they could amass and destroy humanity) with dustpans, hose everything off, give the walls a scrub, and then refill and turn them back on.
And yet it was so much more than that.
Don’t get me wrong. We weren’t baking cakes down there. Cleaning filters had its degrees of suckiness. Aside from everything I previously mentioned (chemicals, mutant bacteria, filth) there was also the fiberglass issue. The older of the two filters was beyond the state of needing to be replaced. That it continued to work during my tenure should be turned into a Discovery Channel series. Decomposing metal dotted the rusty landscape. Occasionally someone from the orchard whose expertise was in fruit production management would come down and patch areas with strips of fiberglass cloth. I am not a pool technician so I wouldn’t know the first place to buy this stuff, but I can’t imagine any reputable dealer carried it. When wet it had a paste-like malleable form, and could be easily placed in the nooks and crannies of the filter until it dried into a miniature mountain range or razor-edged crags, ready to take off any of my toes if I looked at it with a questionable disposition. But the hazards of cleaning filters paid off in one major way – it kept us off the lifeguard stand.
My friend Mark and myself turned filter cleaning into an art form. Where many guards saw a job they least wanted to do, we saw opportunity. We cleaned the filters so often it became our unofficial job. We created the filter-cleaning schedule, and let managers know when it needed to be done. In fact, we put so much enjoyment into it, other guards slowly developed a weird sort of envy. I guess you could call it a sort of reverse Tom Sawyer phenomena. Seeing how much enjoyment we took in something made it the “in” thing to do. Envy though turned into a lightly veiled hatred when they began to realize how much time it took us. In all honesty, cleaning filters needed about an hour’s time for two people; I think at the peak of our filter run we clocked 5 hours. But we didn’t mind the acid-filled stares we got from some of the guards. Management knew our value down in the trenches, and as long as we had their buy-in, none of the guards were going to be able to do a thing. We were a tick on the soft underbelly of an overfed/under exercised dog; we were dug in, and nothing short of suffocating us with Vaseline would make us give up that gig.
That’s not to say the head guard never gave it the old college try.
Resentment slowly grew among some people at the pool every time they saw Mark and I pulling off the metal plates of the filters. Resentment that Mark and I not only gleefully ignored, but even occasionally, pointed out, with pithy comments yelled across the pool. Things like, “Ha ha, we’re about to take 5 hours to clean the filters,” and “Sucks to be you sitting on the stand all day while we goof off.” Playful jabs designed to lighten the mood.
Perhaps not so surprisingly, they had a slightly opposite effect. People got mad, people complained. As I said before, our managers realized the filters had to be cleaned, and if nothing else, we did our jobs and kept them running. The time spent down there was a minor inconvenience they could look past.
Our head guard, Mowenz, had a different opinion of our work ethic.
He saw our deliberate pace as nothing less than insubordination of his authority. And, full disclosure, it pretty much was. Yet, everything we did pretty much was an insubordination of his authority, and our argument to him was, we at least were getting something done at the pool. Our arguments did no good. But since management was on our side, there was little Mowenz could do officially. It was our mistake not to foresee that would lead him through unofficial channels…
The newer filter had no Malaysian Gate fiberglass quick fixes we had to worry about. It pumped and cleaned at a quick pace, as it only had to handle one pool. But being more efficient didn’t mean it was easier to clean. In fact, of the two, this was the tougher job.
Roughly 12 feet by 20 feet, its trickiest dimension was its depth, which dropped to 12 feet below the ground. Acting like a bomb shelter, the plates were also considerably larger, and took up much more space. Cleaning them took nothing more than a hitting them with a hose from above ground. The hard part was taking care of the old muck. With the filter drained, it fell to the concrete floor, 12 feet below, beneath the filter plates. That meant one had to climb down, and then crawl underneath the plates, all the while scooping muck back toward the accessible ladder and into a bucket, that was then carried out. The major issue was that the clearance between floor and filter plates was about 18 inches – not a lot of breathing room. It meant crawling around a 240 square foot area on your stomach in filth, as water dripped on you from the plates above. Slow going and not the least bit appealing, even we dreaded heading down into this manmade pit to scoop muck out.
Yet it still had to get done, and we weren’t about to let some younger version of ourselves jump at the chance to out “us” us by taking a horrible job and turning around into an opportunity, so we routinely volunteered to clean this filter as well.
And that’s where we found ourselves one hot summer day… down in this pit, the steel plates off, the filters drained. Everything had been hosed off and we were taking turns scooping the pool’s gruel and bucketing it out. Like GI tunnel rats we belly-crawled through unmentionables, to reach into every corner with our dustpans.
Mark was underground. I watched him descend as I carried my bucket of slop to…well let’s not get into where things like this got disposed. It’s a boring part of the story and I’m not 100% sure the statute of limitations is up. Walking away I saw Mowenz approach the filters. Nothing out of the ordinary, as head guard he had to know how everything was going. Confident Mark would give him some bullshit excuse about why it was taking us hours to finish, I trudged on.
Coming back on the scene, I witnessed (a good, legal term apropos to the situation) something a little unusual. Mowenz, with a sly smirk, was climbing out of the “guts” which housed all the pumps, wheels and pipes that controlled the pool’s water flow. It sat right next to the filters, and that’s where we turned off the water so that filters would drain. I also heard the filters mechanically grind back on. I didn’t see Mark anywhere.
Curious, I quickened my pace to see what was going on. More annoyed than anything, I figured Mowenz didn’t buy any of our excuses and was forcing us to “wrap it up.”
I got back to the filters. Still no sign of Mark. Mowenz still had a grin on his face.
“Where’s Mark?”
No response. Just a grin. A grin with a purpose. A grin with a mean streak. I didn’t need an answer. That grin told me everything I needed to know.
Mowenz, in some sort of psychopathic glee, had turned the water on while Mark was still down below, underneath the plates.
Before I could make any kind of decision (dive in? try to turn the water off? Run and pretend I wasn’t there? Work on my testimony?) Mark appeared, stumbling up the ladder and out. Luckily (for everyone, I stress), the filter didn’t fill rapidly enough to trap him and he scurried out before drowning. How he avoided the numerous metal bars and hanging pieces in his haste I will never know; all it would have taken was one blow to the head to slow him down and create a potential crime scene.
Mark tumbled into the grass, and the three of us just stood there in a weird, amateur Mexican standoff; Mowenz with the grin still painted on his face, Mark simultaneously trying desperately to catch his breath and piece together what just happened; and me, in a state of amazed confusion, wondering if I should make a citizens’ arrest.
I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. I wasn’t sure what was supposed to happen next. I don’t think Mowenz realized what his actions could have caused. I don’t think Mark realized how close he came to dying. An uneasy calm settled over the scene.
And that’s the way it would stay…an uneasy calm.
I certainly replayed the events not only in my head, but also to any guard that would listen. This wasn’t something you necessarily shrugged off and went back to work. But that’s exactly what happened. To his credit, or (whatever you want to describe it as), Mark semi—casually laughed everything off. Whether it was meant to be just a silly prank or some sort of darker message, I’ll never know. It certainly didn’t speed up our filter cleaning, but it did force us to keep a close eye on Mowenz whereabouts whenever we went about our task.
To this day the whole thing hasn’t truly sunk in to my collective. I’m still not clear on the consequences had Mark never made it out of that filter. While I almost died numerous times at the pool and witnessed countless more near deaths, this was action was different. Not that our teenaged minds figured that out at the time. By the next day the event had become part of our vernacular, and I’m sure a few of the guards were disappointed by the non-tragic outcome. And for me, I was just happy nothing changed. We continued to slack off during filter cleaning, guards still resented us, and Mowenz was still Mowenz. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
For previous Hidden Hollow Files, go here, here and here.
Filter Cleaning
If the average person were asked to list the most dangerous jobs they could think of, lifeguarding probably falls near the bottom. After all, who thinks sitting out in the sun all day is wrought with peril? Aside from possibly falling off a lifeguard stand or the occasional bout of heatstroke (and you’d have to be really stupid to suffer that, since the nature of your job sits you in close proximity to a large body of water) there aren’t too many occupational hazards one could come up with.
And that’s why lifeguarding at Hidden Hollow was so different…
Danger lurked in many of the nooks and crannies at the swim club, making the job that much more interesting for teenagers who think they’re invincible. You either embraced the fact that you could die in a variety of different ways and went about your business, or you took a job picking strawberries in the fields with men that may or may not have seen the business end of a whip working plantations down in the south. Danger certainly kept you on your toes, and there were many a guard who couldn’t handle it.
Which is why it’s so strange that of all the things that happened to us at the pool, the closest I ever came to death (and it wasn’t mine) had nothing to do with faulty machinery, and everything to do with the evil that lives in the heart of man. To explain how it all went down however, takes a little background into how the pool operated, and how we worked that system to its fullest advantage…
Being a lifeguard at Hidden Hollow didn’t mean sitting in the sun all day and ogling bikini-clad nannies and moms who had treadmills in their basements. Off the stand, guards were expected to handle a variety of tasks that kept the pool operational. And as anyone who has worked behind the scenes of a public facility will tell you, one will find the underbelly of humanity doing those tasks. Apparently, the general public is a group that feels entitled – entitled to treat any place that isn’t theirs as a sewer. An involuntary witness to a variety of disgust and shame, Hidden Hollow could harden one like no other summer job could. As the movie 8mm told us, “There are some things you can’t unsee.”
Running the pool meant more than a sticking a few hoses in the pool to make sure they were chemically safe for people to enjoy. There were bathrooms to clean, trash to dispose of, trees to prune, picnic benches to move (don’t ask); basically a lot of general upkeep that people don’t think about and a lot of cleaning and disposal of things that people don’t want to think about. And since these jobs were less than glamorous, few people openly volunteered for them. Most guards happily slathered themselves up with baby oil and made a day of bronzing themselves out in the summer sun, paying lazy attention to the pools while getting paid. The boredom of a lifeguard stand seemed like a good option when faced with mucking out a bathroom.
Unfortunately, I could never truly enjoy the sun like my leather-skinned bound coworkers. Never mind that being a redhead forced me to see the sun as God’s assassin. Sitting alone for 8 hours a day twirling a whistle between my fingers just didn’t keep my brain occupied. And there were only so many 2-foot handball games I could umpire before the kids stomped out of the pool in protest of one of my calls. (2-foot handball games were great, don’t get me wrong. Being that the pool was octagonal in shape, it made for a perfect field. Throw a nerfball into the mix, and anywhere from 2 to possibly 20 (I’ve seen it) kids can have fun playing a crude game of baseball.) Seriously though, I can still feel the drips of sweat trickle down my back as I sat in those fiberglass chairs during high noon, trying to visually patrol a 50-meter long pool packed with summer vacation kids who made the extras from Escape from New York look like nuns. After awhile, my little remaining sanity begged me to look for alternatives.
Enter filter cleaning.
Hidden Hollow was made up of 3 large pools. One filter kept the 2 original pools of the swim club “cleanish;” later when a third pool was added, the owners realized the original system couldn’t handle everything so they built a second filter specifically for the new pool. Each filter sat within fifteen feet of one another, covered with huge heavy steel plates, to insure no hyperactive three year olds running through the grounds would plummet to their deaths. Too heavy for one person, they had to be removed one by one to get into the guts of the filters.
Without getting too technical (because I’m pretty sure no one knows the true technical side of it) pool water went into the filters, with all the leaves, dirt, food, trash, fecal matter, dead insects, plastic toys, sexual paraphernalia, rodents, etc. that landed or fell into a pool throughout a normal day, and after a rinse cycle of sorts through chemical-doused plates, would come back out, all clean and ready to face the day.
Of course, all that debris stayed in the filter, creating a delicious, gooey soup. And that soup couldn’t be left to stew for too long, so the filters had to be cleaned out about once a week. A simple definition of cleaning of the filters meant two people had to shut them down, completely drain them, get down in the muck and scoop out the clutter and diatomaceous earth (I think it was put in to kill bacteria, and organisms before they could amass and destroy humanity) with dustpans, hose everything off, give the walls a scrub, and then refill and turn them back on.
And yet it was so much more than that.
Don’t get me wrong. We weren’t baking cakes down there. Cleaning filters had its degrees of suckiness. Aside from everything I previously mentioned (chemicals, mutant bacteria, filth) there was also the fiberglass issue. The older of the two filters was beyond the state of needing to be replaced. That it continued to work during my tenure should be turned into a Discovery Channel series. Decomposing metal dotted the rusty landscape. Occasionally someone from the orchard whose expertise was in fruit production management would come down and patch areas with strips of fiberglass cloth. I am not a pool technician so I wouldn’t know the first place to buy this stuff, but I can’t imagine any reputable dealer carried it. When wet it had a paste-like malleable form, and could be easily placed in the nooks and crannies of the filter until it dried into a miniature mountain range or razor-edged crags, ready to take off any of my toes if I looked at it with a questionable disposition. But the hazards of cleaning filters paid off in one major way – it kept us off the lifeguard stand.
My friend Mark and myself turned filter cleaning into an art form. Where many guards saw a job they least wanted to do, we saw opportunity. We cleaned the filters so often it became our unofficial job. We created the filter-cleaning schedule, and let managers know when it needed to be done. In fact, we put so much enjoyment into it, other guards slowly developed a weird sort of envy. I guess you could call it a sort of reverse Tom Sawyer phenomena. Seeing how much enjoyment we took in something made it the “in” thing to do. Envy though turned into a lightly veiled hatred when they began to realize how much time it took us. In all honesty, cleaning filters needed about an hour’s time for two people; I think at the peak of our filter run we clocked 5 hours. But we didn’t mind the acid-filled stares we got from some of the guards. Management knew our value down in the trenches, and as long as we had their buy-in, none of the guards were going to be able to do a thing. We were a tick on the soft underbelly of an overfed/under exercised dog; we were dug in, and nothing short of suffocating us with Vaseline would make us give up that gig.
That’s not to say the head guard never gave it the old college try.
Resentment slowly grew among some people at the pool every time they saw Mark and I pulling off the metal plates of the filters. Resentment that Mark and I not only gleefully ignored, but even occasionally, pointed out, with pithy comments yelled across the pool. Things like, “Ha ha, we’re about to take 5 hours to clean the filters,” and “Sucks to be you sitting on the stand all day while we goof off.” Playful jabs designed to lighten the mood.
Perhaps not so surprisingly, they had a slightly opposite effect. People got mad, people complained. As I said before, our managers realized the filters had to be cleaned, and if nothing else, we did our jobs and kept them running. The time spent down there was a minor inconvenience they could look past.
Our head guard, Mowenz, had a different opinion of our work ethic.
He saw our deliberate pace as nothing less than insubordination of his authority. And, full disclosure, it pretty much was. Yet, everything we did pretty much was an insubordination of his authority, and our argument to him was, we at least were getting something done at the pool. Our arguments did no good. But since management was on our side, there was little Mowenz could do officially. It was our mistake not to foresee that would lead him through unofficial channels…
The newer filter had no Malaysian Gate fiberglass quick fixes we had to worry about. It pumped and cleaned at a quick pace, as it only had to handle one pool. But being more efficient didn’t mean it was easier to clean. In fact, of the two, this was the tougher job.
Roughly 12 feet by 20 feet, its trickiest dimension was its depth, which dropped to 12 feet below the ground. Acting like a bomb shelter, the plates were also considerably larger, and took up much more space. Cleaning them took nothing more than a hitting them with a hose from above ground. The hard part was taking care of the old muck. With the filter drained, it fell to the concrete floor, 12 feet below, beneath the filter plates. That meant one had to climb down, and then crawl underneath the plates, all the while scooping muck back toward the accessible ladder and into a bucket, that was then carried out. The major issue was that the clearance between floor and filter plates was about 18 inches – not a lot of breathing room. It meant crawling around a 240 square foot area on your stomach in filth, as water dripped on you from the plates above. Slow going and not the least bit appealing, even we dreaded heading down into this manmade pit to scoop muck out.
Yet it still had to get done, and we weren’t about to let some younger version of ourselves jump at the chance to out “us” us by taking a horrible job and turning around into an opportunity, so we routinely volunteered to clean this filter as well.
And that’s where we found ourselves one hot summer day… down in this pit, the steel plates off, the filters drained. Everything had been hosed off and we were taking turns scooping the pool’s gruel and bucketing it out. Like GI tunnel rats we belly-crawled through unmentionables, to reach into every corner with our dustpans.
Mark was underground. I watched him descend as I carried my bucket of slop to…well let’s not get into where things like this got disposed. It’s a boring part of the story and I’m not 100% sure the statute of limitations is up. Walking away I saw Mowenz approach the filters. Nothing out of the ordinary, as head guard he had to know how everything was going. Confident Mark would give him some bullshit excuse about why it was taking us hours to finish, I trudged on.
Coming back on the scene, I witnessed (a good, legal term apropos to the situation) something a little unusual. Mowenz, with a sly smirk, was climbing out of the “guts” which housed all the pumps, wheels and pipes that controlled the pool’s water flow. It sat right next to the filters, and that’s where we turned off the water so that filters would drain. I also heard the filters mechanically grind back on. I didn’t see Mark anywhere.
Curious, I quickened my pace to see what was going on. More annoyed than anything, I figured Mowenz didn’t buy any of our excuses and was forcing us to “wrap it up.”
I got back to the filters. Still no sign of Mark. Mowenz still had a grin on his face.
“Where’s Mark?”
No response. Just a grin. A grin with a purpose. A grin with a mean streak. I didn’t need an answer. That grin told me everything I needed to know.
Mowenz, in some sort of psychopathic glee, had turned the water on while Mark was still down below, underneath the plates.
Before I could make any kind of decision (dive in? try to turn the water off? Run and pretend I wasn’t there? Work on my testimony?) Mark appeared, stumbling up the ladder and out. Luckily (for everyone, I stress), the filter didn’t fill rapidly enough to trap him and he scurried out before drowning. How he avoided the numerous metal bars and hanging pieces in his haste I will never know; all it would have taken was one blow to the head to slow him down and create a potential crime scene.
Mark tumbled into the grass, and the three of us just stood there in a weird, amateur Mexican standoff; Mowenz with the grin still painted on his face, Mark simultaneously trying desperately to catch his breath and piece together what just happened; and me, in a state of amazed confusion, wondering if I should make a citizens’ arrest.
I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. I wasn’t sure what was supposed to happen next. I don’t think Mowenz realized what his actions could have caused. I don’t think Mark realized how close he came to dying. An uneasy calm settled over the scene.
And that’s the way it would stay…an uneasy calm.
I certainly replayed the events not only in my head, but also to any guard that would listen. This wasn’t something you necessarily shrugged off and went back to work. But that’s exactly what happened. To his credit, or (whatever you want to describe it as), Mark semi—casually laughed everything off. Whether it was meant to be just a silly prank or some sort of darker message, I’ll never know. It certainly didn’t speed up our filter cleaning, but it did force us to keep a close eye on Mowenz whereabouts whenever we went about our task.
To this day the whole thing hasn’t truly sunk in to my collective. I’m still not clear on the consequences had Mark never made it out of that filter. While I almost died numerous times at the pool and witnessed countless more near deaths, this was action was different. Not that our teenaged minds figured that out at the time. By the next day the event had become part of our vernacular, and I’m sure a few of the guards were disappointed by the non-tragic outcome. And for me, I was just happy nothing changed. We continued to slack off during filter cleaning, guards still resented us, and Mowenz was still Mowenz. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
The top 7 Nickelodeon Kids' Game Shows
When Nickelodeon’s Games and Sports (GaS) channel was dropped from cable, we all lost something. Whether it was the chance to relive our childhoods of being babysat by sweet television, or kick back and giggle at pre-pubescent children thrust together on a team try to awkwardly high-five each other, GaS had something for everyone.
And then Comcast yanked it away from us, forcing it to only live on in our memories, and the occasional you tube video.
But that will never change how super awesome these game shows were. And so, to honor them, I have ranked the top 7 children’s video games as they appeared on GaS. With rumors of nick.com possibly streaming them online I wait with baited breath. Until then however, this is all we have…
7. Get the Picture
Teams took turns eliminating giant blocks that hid a picture of…whatever. It could be a rose, it could be Kid n’ Play. The reason to catch episodes of Get the Picture were for catching the ever elusive Power Surges that were sprinkled into the game play. Actually, the Power Surge wasn’t all that exciting when you got right down to it, but host Mike O’Malley certainly didn’t let that bring his excitement level down. I also loved that someone had to come out and lift up some sort of safety bar for the kids when they competed in Power Surges, as though they would hurl themselves into the giant video screen had there not been some sort of barrier to corral them.
O’Malley made this show what it was. Carefree in attitude, he blatantly acted as though he needed to get his contract voided so he could start on Yes, Dear a few years early. He openly scorned and mocked contestants for not knowing something. I guess the allure of being on television (and getting to compete in a Power Surge) kept the line of contestants coming, because it certainly wasn’t O’Malley’s amicability. But I like that in my kids’ game show host. These kids don’t need to be coddled, not even on Nickelodeon.
6. Finders Keepers
Finders Keepers had the distinction of switching hosts as much as Card Sharks did. Unfortunately, they never found their Bob Eubanks, instead winding up with 2 guys that were immediately forgettable. One hated his life and openly pined to get fired, the other had a ‘Black Hole Sun’ look to his face that had to scare the constestants on a daily basis.
Still, neither host could destroy the thrill of trashing a room – which was the object of Finders Keepers. Teams competed against one another to search one of the rooms in the Finders Keepers mansion for items that were “cleverly” hidden, usually in a faux Ming Vase or a vat of dirt (because you know, every house has a giant vat of dirt). The challenge at the end had the winning team traipsing through a variety of rooms looking for more hidden objects. I loved the dichotomy between many teams; some would take a Little House on the Prairie approach and daintily pick up bowls and what not looking for clues, while others got very Hunteresque in there, treating dishes and glasses like a perp with an attitude problem. It was always interesting to guess which way a team would go.
Unfortunately, Finders Keepers doesn't have a huge web presence, which is a crying shame. But here is another link that can give you an idea of how crazy this show really was.
5. Double Dare
The Jeopardy of kids’ game shows, Double Dare mixed standard trivia with manic, LSD-inspired “physical challenges” for the kids to opt for if the questions got tricky. The winning team then got a chance to take on the obstacle course, a series of messy, disgusting Mouse Trap-inspired activities. Each accomplishment in the obstacle course won you a truly awesome prize, whether it was a pair of roller blades or your very own karaoke machine.
And how awesome was it, years later, when we all found out Marc Summers had OCD? Now we had an opportunity to go back and check the old shows as though they were Zapruder films to see Mark flip out when chocolate frosting splattered across his face.
Please don’t get this confused with Double Dare 2000. Jason Harris didn’t have the natural geniality Summers had, and the show suffered.
4. Figure it Out
I could easily write 10,000 words about this show, and still might some day. I’d love a tell-all book about what went on behind the scenes on Figure It Out, from how funny Kevin Kopelow really is, to the sexual tension between a post-puberty Danny Tamberelli and the always sexy host, Summer Sanders. Unfortunately, I think I might be the only person calling for something like that.
A child’s version of I’ve Got a Secret, Figure it Out always turned up the bizarre quotient. Lori Beth had to have been hated by the contestants, as she always seemed to guess the answer at the last possible moment, sending the children home with a piece of the Aggro Crag, and not a cool trip to Space Camp.
I’ll stop now.
3. GUTS
Oh how I miss thee, GUTS. Mike sending it over to Mo, Mo pretending she and the judges huddled together to confer about a rule discrepancy before making a final ruling… O’Malley’s complete sell of each competition as though it happened during the 1968 Olympics. He could have mailed it in, but ever the consummate professional (possibly the first time he’s ever been described like that) he took his job seriously and announced Ragin’ Rapids without a hint of irony.
I won’t go into a detailed account about what happened with Bebe on an episode of GUTS. What I will do is beg nick.com to start streaming these episodes online soon, so that I may one day share it all with you. And if you did see that episode with Bebe, you know what I’m talking about.
2. Legends of the Hidden Temple
http://www.geocities.com/lotht2001/heartroom.html
A talking rock…a final obstacle course that truly went on forever that featured guys in skimpy clothing jumping out and grabbing pre-pubescent children…a host that rappelled into the arena to start the show…there are so many great things that Legends of Hidden Temple had going for it.
One of the more demanding kids’ game shows, Legends of the Hidden Temple also appeared to have the largest budget for a game show. Papier-mâché boulders cannot be easy or cheap to make – and Legends had an abundance of them. The other thing I loved about LotHT was how elaborate the entire show got. From starting out with 6 competing teams of 2 children, to 4 eclectic rounds highlighting different talents, I’m shocked it lasted 3 years. I mean, I still see no reason to have a talking, animatronic puppet delivering the “legend” when you had a perfectly decent host in Kirk Fogg willing and able to read a 3-paragraph story to the kids.
Silver Snakes was my go to team. They were always a safe bet to make it at least to the second round. Of course, it was next to impossible to accurately handicap a team at the beginning, since intelligence is not an easy trait to read in a 13-year old child.
And then there was that final challenge of recovering the ancient artifact from the temple…one of the hardest things I’ve ever seen a 13 year old child accomplish. The number of obstacles they had to overcome was astounding. I can only hope there were plenty of spotters behind the scenes to ensure the kids’ safety on the show.
Here's just an awful attempt at trying to do the Silver Monkey room. I mean this is simply terrible...
And I link to this awesome site because A. it probably has the most information about Legends of the Hidden Temple out there and B. because I had no idea geocities still existed.
1. Nick Arcade
On the surface, Nick Arcade is surprisingly ordinary. Kids playing video games against one another for points? Ho hum. So why does it deserve the number one ranking? Two words: Phil Moore.
Perhaps the greatest game show host in the history of game shows, Moore knew no equal. His classic early 90s wardrobe always matched the Japanese anime/rave décor of the set, and his classically manic dance moves, coupled with his scat (the jazz, not the porn) prowess made watching Nick Arcade a must. Just take a look at what I’m talking about here…
Remember when I said Legends had one of the hardest things for a 13-year old to accomplish? The end challenge of Nick Arcade was the hardest. Channeling their inner weatherman, children had to react to “video game” obstacles that came at them on a green screen. Remarkably complex, I might have seen it defeated once in my life. The producers could have listed the gold of Fort Knox as the prize, and still felt relatively confident that no one was coming close to getting their tiny hands on it.
Take a look...
And this was one of the easier final challenges!
Finally, this video, while not capturing the true essence that is Phil Moore, comes closer than anything else I can find. Enjoy...
So there you have it - unfortunately these are the best things I could find as examples of these shows...why youtube isn't peppered with more great clips of these shows I'll never know. Comments? Questions? Rants about the rankings? Give a shout in the comments.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Analysis...The Strange Tale of a Wrestlers’ Symposium Gone All Emotional
I’m not about to pretend I found this video, or even that this video is anything new. I realize it’s been played on numerous morning radio shows around the country (I heard it first on Opie & Anthony) and it has been mined almost dry of its humor.
Notice I say almost.
Because, I believe there is something that we’ve all overlooked in this video, and I want to quickly point out it’s brilliance, and possibly redirect some of the humiliation that has fallen on professional wrestling’s number 1 fan.
Take a look at the video, and analysis, after the jump…
Ok, for those of you who haven’t seen this yet, please take a moment and watch this clip.
Now, I wasn’t in that high-school gym to hear this symposium on professional wrestling. (Had I been able to make it, you can bet I would have been hanging out with that guy lounging on the bleachers behind the wrestlers. Sure, I wouldn’t be able to see their fronts, but I’d have a lot more leg room.) So it’s possible that the man’s response was due to a particularly serious plea from Terry Funk (the man that gave barbed wire manufacturers a reason to stay in business in the late 90s) to regulate wrestling.
Or, the guy could be a little unbalanced.
But enough humiliation has been wrought upon the crying man. I’d like you all to turn your attention to the 13 second mark of the clip, right as the tearful response is getting revved up. Before the cascade of tears fall, an arm from the left side of the screen comes over, reassuringly to pat the man on the back.
Seriously?
In these modern times, it is not crazy to think it is the man’s boyfriend. In fact, if that were the case, it would render the subtle move entirely un-creepy. However, I don’t believe that to be the case, as if they were a couple, wouldn’t they be sitting closer together?
No, I contend that this was a stranger, simply reacting to a spontaneous moment, and in a charitable act, reached out to give this man a the only thing he felt he could, which was a pat on the back.
With all that said, I now ask you, which action is worse? The emotional, passionate outburst of a man who REALLY enjoys professional wrestling, or the pat on the back from an anonymous person sitting next to you in a high school gym listening to wrestlers’ tales of woe on the circuit?
Notice I say almost.
Because, I believe there is something that we’ve all overlooked in this video, and I want to quickly point out it’s brilliance, and possibly redirect some of the humiliation that has fallen on professional wrestling’s number 1 fan.
Take a look at the video, and analysis, after the jump…
Ok, for those of you who haven’t seen this yet, please take a moment and watch this clip.
Now, I wasn’t in that high-school gym to hear this symposium on professional wrestling. (Had I been able to make it, you can bet I would have been hanging out with that guy lounging on the bleachers behind the wrestlers. Sure, I wouldn’t be able to see their fronts, but I’d have a lot more leg room.) So it’s possible that the man’s response was due to a particularly serious plea from Terry Funk (the man that gave barbed wire manufacturers a reason to stay in business in the late 90s) to regulate wrestling.
Or, the guy could be a little unbalanced.
But enough humiliation has been wrought upon the crying man. I’d like you all to turn your attention to the 13 second mark of the clip, right as the tearful response is getting revved up. Before the cascade of tears fall, an arm from the left side of the screen comes over, reassuringly to pat the man on the back.
Seriously?
In these modern times, it is not crazy to think it is the man’s boyfriend. In fact, if that were the case, it would render the subtle move entirely un-creepy. However, I don’t believe that to be the case, as if they were a couple, wouldn’t they be sitting closer together?
No, I contend that this was a stranger, simply reacting to a spontaneous moment, and in a charitable act, reached out to give this man a the only thing he felt he could, which was a pat on the back.
With all that said, I now ask you, which action is worse? The emotional, passionate outburst of a man who REALLY enjoys professional wrestling, or the pat on the back from an anonymous person sitting next to you in a high school gym listening to wrestlers’ tales of woe on the circuit?
Friday, April 25, 2008
The Top 25 Opening Credits of 80's televsion action shows
I grew up on 80s action shows. While other kids watched Silver Spoons, I caught up on my Simon & Simon. As a result, I saw a lot of cops, detectives, bounty hunters and others stop a lot of crime. But how did I know what shows to watch? Back then the Internet didn’t exist, and there were pretty much only 3 major television stations.
The only thing people had to go on really were the opening credit sequences.
Nowadays, it seems many television shows have eschewed the opening credits to go right into the story. And I miss those sexy montages of explosions and buffoonery. That’s why I’ve created this list of the top 25 opening credits from 80s action shows.
To create this ranking I’ve come up with a fairly complex equation. Each show is rated on a scale of 1-10 in each of the following categories:
Action
Sexiness
Cheesiness
Homoeroticism
Intangibles
Judging was based on credits alone, with no points awarded or deduced for the quality of the actual show. Had that been the case, Simon & Simon would win hands down.
Without any more words, here are the top 25 action show opening credit sequences:
#25. Miami Vice
Action: 4
Sexiness 4 (not even a head shot of Philip Michael Thomas?)
Cheesiness: 1
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 1
Total: 10
Aside from the popular song the show introduced, these credits are lame. Trying to be too cool for school back in the 80s does not translate well here in the 20whatever-it-is century. I will give points for the jai lai scene though.
#24. Cagney & Lacey
Action: 2 (That’s generous)
Sexiness: 3 (This one even more so)
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 1
Intangibles: 1
Total: 15
Quite possibly the most sexist entry in the list, the opening credits barely have the two women detectives unholster their guns. When they do the action is almost nonexistent. What we do get are a lot of suggestive scenarios, because, ha ha these cops are women! I mean, do we really need the flasher scene? If I were a woman, this would offend me.
#23. CHiPs
Action: 1
Sexiness: 4 (it IS Erick Estrada)
Cheesiness: 4
Homoeroticism: 5 (they do share a nice smile as they ride side by side on their bikes)
Intangibles: 2
Total: 16
Surprisingly low on the list, these credits are boring. I remember the birds-eye view of the motorcycle cops on the California highway, but thought there was more. Nope – just weird cutaways to parts of their uniform. We get it, they’re cops. No disco Estrada?
#22. Rockford Files
Action: 1
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 0 (it’s more sad than anything, especially the shot of Jim Rockford shopping alone in the frozen food section)
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 11 (The song is fantastic, and the credits perfectly set up what you’re getting: a detective barely making ends meet.)
Total: 17
I remember watching Rockford Files when I would get home from school. I loved James Garner from age 7 on. I’m not sure what that says about me. I do know that it’s a risky move using still photos in the credits here. I also wish that the dialog at the end of the answering machine message was switched to: “and yes, I’ll go out with you,” instead of the lame set up about his finances followed by the date talk. That’s just poor writing. I would write more, but I doubt the two people reading care too much about a throwaway line in the opening of a forgotten detective show.
#21 Remington Steele
Action: 5
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 4
Total: 19
Surprising amount of action for a show you remember your mother liking. Take for example, the weird hanging corpse scene. I have no idea where they were snooping around to bump into dead bodies hanging from the ceiling. Possibly the set of Coma?
#20 Jake and the Fatman
Action: 3
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 6
Intangibles: 2
Total: 20
I didn’t watch this at all, so I’m not sure who Jake is or why he hangs around with a fatman (William Conrad). The credits start out great with gunplay from 80s television staple Joe Penny, but really bogs down with the sudden overuse of city shots mucking up the remaining two thirds.
#19. Buck Rogers
Action: 1
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 9
Homoeroticism: 4
Intangibles: 3
Total: 22
For a show that was set in the future and featured dog fights in space and aliens, the opening credits lack excitement. And what country green lights a solo space mission these days?
#18. Airwolf
Action: 8 (Someone actually dies in the opening credits)
Sexiness: 2 (Helicopter flight suits don’t lend themselves to sexy)
Cheesiness: 2
Homoeroticism: 4
Intangibles: 7 (Ernest Borgnine!)
Total: 23
There’s no missing the helicopter in this show, because it’s about one. I wonder if this is the only opening credits where someone actually dies? I also love the shot of the helicopter reaching Mach 8. Is that even possible for a normal plane?
#17. Vega$
Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 3
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 5
Total: 24
Dan Tanna had a sweet candy-apple red convertible and the city of Vegas lends itself quite nicely as a sexy location to host a show. No idea where the clip of the boat marina is from though. Driving around with a lion in the passenger seat was a nice touch.
TIE: #15. Quincy
Action: 4
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 10
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 4
Total: 25
Has the required car crash and explosion shots. And of course, the slow reveal at the end where we find out Quincy wasn’t examining a body all along, but the gams of a beautiful dame is a great touch. But there is something bothering me. When Quincy begins the autopsy in front of the police cadets, and 2 fall immediately when he reveals the corpse, why doesn’t he stop? Is he that callous, or does he not notice? Either one isn’t a great answer.
TIE: #15 Knight Rider
Action: 5
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 6
Intangibles: 2
Total: 25
For such a great show, the credits leave me a little ho hum. And KITT was clearly gay, right? Michael Knight, the jury’s still out.
#14 Blue Thunder
Action: 5
Sexiness: 3
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 7
Intangibles: 3
Total: 26
Another helicopter show, but with a little more humor infused with the addition of a pre-SNL Dana Carvey. Guess he’s happy the show didn’t take off (though possibly less so now). I can only assume Butkus and Bubba Smith were used for comic relief as well – it couldn’t’ have been for their acting.
#13 Hardcastle and McCormick
Action: 7
Sexiness: 2
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 3
Total: 27
Hardcastle (or McCormick) drives around in a cool racecar stopping crime, I guess. The other one is a judge I guess. Hardcastle (or McCormick) then come back to the judge and then probably have pillow fights until the next crime is committed. While I wish it was some weird Star Chamber vigilante driven series, I really doubt it.
#12 Tales of the Gold Monkey
Action: 5
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 6 (Almost non-existent until the end when Roddy McDowell shows up with a parrot)
Intangibles: 5
Total: 28
This “nothing-like-Raiders-of-the-Lost-Ark” series definitely looks cool, and seemingly has 2 female leads for the main character to bounce back and forth between. Plus, who doesn’t laugh at a dog wearing an eye patch?
#11 Automan
Action: 3
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 10
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 4
Total: 29
Not sure where to start. Let’s just say you knew what you were getting into with this show when they introduce an animated “cursor” as himself. Clever. They also manage to shoehorn a helicopter in there. Many of you will question the very idea that this was even on the air, but trust me, it was. I'm pretty that including the producers, I'm one of 4 people that have see every episode.
#10 Simon & Simon
Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 2 (if they weren’t brothers on the show, let’s just say this number would have vaulted them into first place)
Intangibles: 8
Total: 30
I loved Simon & Simon as a kid. 9 o’clock, Thursday nights, right after Magnum P.I. The opening credits let you know exactly what you’re going to get: 2 guys – one a little proper, one a little rough – bickering and solving crimes. We all know what happened to Gerald McRaney (Major Dad) but where did Jameson Parker go? Simon & Simon was that good to him that he could live off residuals?
#9 Hart to Hart
Action: 7
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 7
Total: 31
As far as needing a millionaire detective couple to solve your murder, you could do a lot worse than Robert Wagner and Stephanie Powers. For being a show about an attractive couple solving crimes, it does suggest a good amount of action coming the viewers’ way. I’m not sure why it was “murder” when they met. Maybe, their first date was at one of those murder mystery dinners.
#8 Manimal
Action: 5
Sexiness: 2
Cheesiness: 14
Homoeroticism: 2
Intangibles: 9
Total: 32
I would have loved to sit in the pitch meeting for this one. I think it started from the clever title and went from there. This opening hints at a tremendous, nonsensical back-story as to how this guy came to be able to turn into an animal at will, involving an African tribal guy, a full moon, his father’s dying ramblings, and then his disappearing corpse. Huh?
#7 Hunter
Action: 8
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 6
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 9
Total: 33
Guns, car chases and scowls. That pretty much defines Hunter’s opening credits. That and the pretentious act of the female lead choosing to spell her name, “Stepfanie.” Was Fred Dryer the best of the former football stars turned actors of the lot, or am I forgetting someone>
#6 Magnum P.I.
Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 9
Intangibles: 7
Total: 34
Everyone is familiar with these opening credits. Hawaii… the Ferrari… helicopter… explosions… Selleck’s stache… it’s all there. Watching it now though, I really have to start wondering if Magnum was gay. I mean, he lived on an estate with Higgins, who was clearly homosexual, had a mechanic that liked to wear nothing under his overalls, and was buddies with Rick, the flamboyant club owner. Hmmm.
#5 The Fall Guy
Action: 10
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 6
Homoeroticism: 5
Intangibles: 8
Total: 35
What better way to portray a stuntman/bounty hunter in the opening credits than to create a montage of action movie stunts? Then, get Lee Majors, (the star) to perform the original song, mix in a smattering of Doug Barr (and I do mean a smattering) and a gratuitous Heather Thomas-in-a-bikini shot, and you’ve got yourself one of the all time openings for an 80s action show.
#4 Matt Houston
Action: 10
Sexiness: 9
Cheesiness: 2
Homoeroticism: 5
Intangibles: 10
Total: 36
If there’s one thing I learned watching this opening: you do not want to piss off Matt Houston. Jesus, this guy is tough. And it doesn’t hurt to start off sporting a turtleneck-with-a-sports-jacket look. The opening credits here are packed with all the action clichés we’ve come to love: helicopter, guns, car chases, tires screeching, boats, shirts off, etc. Then of course we’re treated to Buddy Epsen, so all is right with the world. And Lee Horsley is sporting a mustache to rival Selleck’s! I know this was a Magnum ripoff, but c’mon, why wasn’t this more successful?
#3 The A-Team
Action: 8
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 9
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 9
Total: 39
Arguably the most popular 80s action show of the lot, this one has everything. It thrives on violence, explosions and guns. Watch the opening again before you start complaining about the high cheesiness score. When Dirk Benedict is the most responsible member of your team, you have problems.
#2 Riptide
Action: 7
Sexiness: 8 (they actually write a break in the action-oriented song to work as an “homage” to California pop, right as bikini-clad models stroll by)
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 8 (Watch the volleyball scene again)
Intangibles: 10
Total: 40
Lots of gun play, lots of boats and lots of Joe Penny. There isn’t too much else you could add to make it better. The last of the shows revolving around a helicopter (indirectly) is also the best. It’s mix of action and humor is so perfect that it should have easily cruised into the #1 spot if it weren’t for…
#1 TJ Hooker
Action: 9
Sexiness: 9
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 9
Intangibles: 10
Total: 45
I don’t know how he does it, but Adrian Zmed singlehandedlt makes these opening credits score high in both sexiness and homoeroticism. A young Locklear doesn’t hurt either. And then there’s good ol’ Resue 911 narrator Bill Shatner. I love his roll across the roof, and I love his intense/stoned/crazy look when he draws his gun at the start of this. Is there anything he won’t do to catch his perp? He jumps on the wing of a bi-plane for Christ’s sake! All this, and he’s a beat patrolman. I can only imagine how many “Policeman of the Year” plaques he has in his house.
So what have we learned today, other than to be some type of law enforcement agent in the 80s you needed boats, explosions and black sidekicks? Admittedly, not much. But there will always be a place in my heart for awesome 80s television, and it all starts with the opening credits montage.
Agree? Disagree? Was there something I missed? Let me know what YOU think in the comments section.
The only thing people had to go on really were the opening credit sequences.
Nowadays, it seems many television shows have eschewed the opening credits to go right into the story. And I miss those sexy montages of explosions and buffoonery. That’s why I’ve created this list of the top 25 opening credits from 80s action shows.
To create this ranking I’ve come up with a fairly complex equation. Each show is rated on a scale of 1-10 in each of the following categories:
Action
Sexiness
Cheesiness
Homoeroticism
Intangibles
Judging was based on credits alone, with no points awarded or deduced for the quality of the actual show. Had that been the case, Simon & Simon would win hands down.
Without any more words, here are the top 25 action show opening credit sequences:
#25. Miami Vice
Action: 4
Sexiness 4 (not even a head shot of Philip Michael Thomas?)
Cheesiness: 1
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 1
Total: 10
Aside from the popular song the show introduced, these credits are lame. Trying to be too cool for school back in the 80s does not translate well here in the 20whatever-it-is century. I will give points for the jai lai scene though.
#24. Cagney & Lacey
Action: 2 (That’s generous)
Sexiness: 3 (This one even more so)
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 1
Intangibles: 1
Total: 15
Quite possibly the most sexist entry in the list, the opening credits barely have the two women detectives unholster their guns. When they do the action is almost nonexistent. What we do get are a lot of suggestive scenarios, because, ha ha these cops are women! I mean, do we really need the flasher scene? If I were a woman, this would offend me.
#23. CHiPs
Action: 1
Sexiness: 4 (it IS Erick Estrada)
Cheesiness: 4
Homoeroticism: 5 (they do share a nice smile as they ride side by side on their bikes)
Intangibles: 2
Total: 16
Surprisingly low on the list, these credits are boring. I remember the birds-eye view of the motorcycle cops on the California highway, but thought there was more. Nope – just weird cutaways to parts of their uniform. We get it, they’re cops. No disco Estrada?
#22. Rockford Files
Action: 1
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 0 (it’s more sad than anything, especially the shot of Jim Rockford shopping alone in the frozen food section)
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 11 (The song is fantastic, and the credits perfectly set up what you’re getting: a detective barely making ends meet.)
Total: 17
I remember watching Rockford Files when I would get home from school. I loved James Garner from age 7 on. I’m not sure what that says about me. I do know that it’s a risky move using still photos in the credits here. I also wish that the dialog at the end of the answering machine message was switched to: “and yes, I’ll go out with you,” instead of the lame set up about his finances followed by the date talk. That’s just poor writing. I would write more, but I doubt the two people reading care too much about a throwaway line in the opening of a forgotten detective show.
#21 Remington Steele
Action: 5
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 4
Total: 19
Surprising amount of action for a show you remember your mother liking. Take for example, the weird hanging corpse scene. I have no idea where they were snooping around to bump into dead bodies hanging from the ceiling. Possibly the set of Coma?
#20 Jake and the Fatman
Action: 3
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 6
Intangibles: 2
Total: 20
I didn’t watch this at all, so I’m not sure who Jake is or why he hangs around with a fatman (William Conrad). The credits start out great with gunplay from 80s television staple Joe Penny, but really bogs down with the sudden overuse of city shots mucking up the remaining two thirds.
#19. Buck Rogers
Action: 1
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 9
Homoeroticism: 4
Intangibles: 3
Total: 22
For a show that was set in the future and featured dog fights in space and aliens, the opening credits lack excitement. And what country green lights a solo space mission these days?
#18. Airwolf
Action: 8 (Someone actually dies in the opening credits)
Sexiness: 2 (Helicopter flight suits don’t lend themselves to sexy)
Cheesiness: 2
Homoeroticism: 4
Intangibles: 7 (Ernest Borgnine!)
Total: 23
There’s no missing the helicopter in this show, because it’s about one. I wonder if this is the only opening credits where someone actually dies? I also love the shot of the helicopter reaching Mach 8. Is that even possible for a normal plane?
#17. Vega$
Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 3
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 5
Total: 24
Dan Tanna had a sweet candy-apple red convertible and the city of Vegas lends itself quite nicely as a sexy location to host a show. No idea where the clip of the boat marina is from though. Driving around with a lion in the passenger seat was a nice touch.
TIE: #15. Quincy
Action: 4
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 10
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 4
Total: 25
Has the required car crash and explosion shots. And of course, the slow reveal at the end where we find out Quincy wasn’t examining a body all along, but the gams of a beautiful dame is a great touch. But there is something bothering me. When Quincy begins the autopsy in front of the police cadets, and 2 fall immediately when he reveals the corpse, why doesn’t he stop? Is he that callous, or does he not notice? Either one isn’t a great answer.
TIE: #15 Knight Rider
Action: 5
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 6
Intangibles: 2
Total: 25
For such a great show, the credits leave me a little ho hum. And KITT was clearly gay, right? Michael Knight, the jury’s still out.
#14 Blue Thunder
Action: 5
Sexiness: 3
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 7
Intangibles: 3
Total: 26
Another helicopter show, but with a little more humor infused with the addition of a pre-SNL Dana Carvey. Guess he’s happy the show didn’t take off (though possibly less so now). I can only assume Butkus and Bubba Smith were used for comic relief as well – it couldn’t’ have been for their acting.
#13 Hardcastle and McCormick
Action: 7
Sexiness: 2
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 3
Total: 27
Hardcastle (or McCormick) drives around in a cool racecar stopping crime, I guess. The other one is a judge I guess. Hardcastle (or McCormick) then come back to the judge and then probably have pillow fights until the next crime is committed. While I wish it was some weird Star Chamber vigilante driven series, I really doubt it.
#12 Tales of the Gold Monkey
Action: 5
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 6 (Almost non-existent until the end when Roddy McDowell shows up with a parrot)
Intangibles: 5
Total: 28
This “nothing-like-Raiders-of-the-Lost-Ark” series definitely looks cool, and seemingly has 2 female leads for the main character to bounce back and forth between. Plus, who doesn’t laugh at a dog wearing an eye patch?
#11 Automan
Action: 3
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 10
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 4
Total: 29
Not sure where to start. Let’s just say you knew what you were getting into with this show when they introduce an animated “cursor” as himself. Clever. They also manage to shoehorn a helicopter in there. Many of you will question the very idea that this was even on the air, but trust me, it was. I'm pretty that including the producers, I'm one of 4 people that have see every episode.
#10 Simon & Simon
Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 2 (if they weren’t brothers on the show, let’s just say this number would have vaulted them into first place)
Intangibles: 8
Total: 30
I loved Simon & Simon as a kid. 9 o’clock, Thursday nights, right after Magnum P.I. The opening credits let you know exactly what you’re going to get: 2 guys – one a little proper, one a little rough – bickering and solving crimes. We all know what happened to Gerald McRaney (Major Dad) but where did Jameson Parker go? Simon & Simon was that good to him that he could live off residuals?
#9 Hart to Hart
Action: 7
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 7
Total: 31
As far as needing a millionaire detective couple to solve your murder, you could do a lot worse than Robert Wagner and Stephanie Powers. For being a show about an attractive couple solving crimes, it does suggest a good amount of action coming the viewers’ way. I’m not sure why it was “murder” when they met. Maybe, their first date was at one of those murder mystery dinners.
#8 Manimal
Action: 5
Sexiness: 2
Cheesiness: 14
Homoeroticism: 2
Intangibles: 9
Total: 32
I would have loved to sit in the pitch meeting for this one. I think it started from the clever title and went from there. This opening hints at a tremendous, nonsensical back-story as to how this guy came to be able to turn into an animal at will, involving an African tribal guy, a full moon, his father’s dying ramblings, and then his disappearing corpse. Huh?
#7 Hunter
Action: 8
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 6
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 9
Total: 33
Guns, car chases and scowls. That pretty much defines Hunter’s opening credits. That and the pretentious act of the female lead choosing to spell her name, “Stepfanie.” Was Fred Dryer the best of the former football stars turned actors of the lot, or am I forgetting someone>
#6 Magnum P.I.
Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 9
Intangibles: 7
Total: 34
Everyone is familiar with these opening credits. Hawaii… the Ferrari… helicopter… explosions… Selleck’s stache… it’s all there. Watching it now though, I really have to start wondering if Magnum was gay. I mean, he lived on an estate with Higgins, who was clearly homosexual, had a mechanic that liked to wear nothing under his overalls, and was buddies with Rick, the flamboyant club owner. Hmmm.
#5 The Fall Guy
Action: 10
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 6
Homoeroticism: 5
Intangibles: 8
Total: 35
What better way to portray a stuntman/bounty hunter in the opening credits than to create a montage of action movie stunts? Then, get Lee Majors, (the star) to perform the original song, mix in a smattering of Doug Barr (and I do mean a smattering) and a gratuitous Heather Thomas-in-a-bikini shot, and you’ve got yourself one of the all time openings for an 80s action show.
#4 Matt Houston
Action: 10
Sexiness: 9
Cheesiness: 2
Homoeroticism: 5
Intangibles: 10
Total: 36
If there’s one thing I learned watching this opening: you do not want to piss off Matt Houston. Jesus, this guy is tough. And it doesn’t hurt to start off sporting a turtleneck-with-a-sports-jacket look. The opening credits here are packed with all the action clichés we’ve come to love: helicopter, guns, car chases, tires screeching, boats, shirts off, etc. Then of course we’re treated to Buddy Epsen, so all is right with the world. And Lee Horsley is sporting a mustache to rival Selleck’s! I know this was a Magnum ripoff, but c’mon, why wasn’t this more successful?
#3 The A-Team
Action: 8
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 9
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 9
Total: 39
Arguably the most popular 80s action show of the lot, this one has everything. It thrives on violence, explosions and guns. Watch the opening again before you start complaining about the high cheesiness score. When Dirk Benedict is the most responsible member of your team, you have problems.
#2 Riptide
Action: 7
Sexiness: 8 (they actually write a break in the action-oriented song to work as an “homage” to California pop, right as bikini-clad models stroll by)
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 8 (Watch the volleyball scene again)
Intangibles: 10
Total: 40
Lots of gun play, lots of boats and lots of Joe Penny. There isn’t too much else you could add to make it better. The last of the shows revolving around a helicopter (indirectly) is also the best. It’s mix of action and humor is so perfect that it should have easily cruised into the #1 spot if it weren’t for…
#1 TJ Hooker
Action: 9
Sexiness: 9
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 9
Intangibles: 10
Total: 45
I don’t know how he does it, but Adrian Zmed singlehandedlt makes these opening credits score high in both sexiness and homoeroticism. A young Locklear doesn’t hurt either. And then there’s good ol’ Resue 911 narrator Bill Shatner. I love his roll across the roof, and I love his intense/stoned/crazy look when he draws his gun at the start of this. Is there anything he won’t do to catch his perp? He jumps on the wing of a bi-plane for Christ’s sake! All this, and he’s a beat patrolman. I can only imagine how many “Policeman of the Year” plaques he has in his house.
So what have we learned today, other than to be some type of law enforcement agent in the 80s you needed boats, explosions and black sidekicks? Admittedly, not much. But there will always be a place in my heart for awesome 80s television, and it all starts with the opening credits montage.
Agree? Disagree? Was there something I missed? Let me know what YOU think in the comments section.
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