The "80siest" music videos from MTV

Thanks to MTV opening up its music video library online, I've done roughly 16 minutes of actual work in the last week; the rest of my time devoted to reliving my childhood, sitting in front of the television watching rock/pop music gods spend money in a variety of creative ways to show off their vision. Music videos from the 80s are nothing like any other era's videos; they're expensive, they're colorful and they make no sense. But there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it only makes them more awesome and more a product of their time. I know I went on about how awesome MTV was for opening up their catalog of videos, but only until I really started diving in did I realize what this meant from a cultural standpoint. They have made answering the question, "what was it like to live in the 80s?" simple.

And that's what I'm trying to do here - compile a list of the 80siest music videos.

I tried to come up with a definition for 80iest, and after wasting a lot of paper I decided on this one phrase that encapsulates it fairly well:

"Pretentious then; hilarious now."

Or, if you want to really cop out, I'll define it much as the same way Jesse Helms defined pornography: "I'll know it when I see it."

But enough about that. On to the videos on the flip side...



Billy Idol: Eyes Without a Face

Billy Idol |MTV Music

Billy Idol could be the poster boy for the 80s. In fact, I wouldn't be shocked to learn in the next few years that some government created him simply to encapsulate the times, retiring him in the early 90s once they realized grunge had staying power. Ok that would surprise me a little, but not as much as one might think.

This video screams 80s. And screams a whole lot more as well. I love how it starts with a quote, "In the midnight hour," which is a lyric from another Billy Idol song. It doesn't get much better than that. Other thoughts:

• Floating Billy Idol head? Yes please.
• I wonder if this song was Billy's push to show everyone he was a legitimate singer and not a screamer.
• Billy's Eyes Wide Shut moment is a bit anti-climactic. At least Kubrick gave us some sex in his, even if it got covered up by a bunch of CGI.
  
• Smoke machine...cross fades between the floating Billy Idol head and the choir...fingerless gloves...yeah, we're in the 80s.
• Can't quite put my finger on what a fire hose drenching a scantily clad woman symbolizes.

Yes: Owner of a Lonely Heart

Yes |MTV Music

In trying to reinvent themselves for the 80s, Yes went ahead and made a pretty good song. That doesn't mean the video shares the same fate. The amount of symbolism going on in here would make a high school English teacher wet themselves, knowing they wouldn't have to write up a lesson plan for a month; they'd simply have to hit play and ask their students to list the literary references. Maybe Jon Anderson's mum was a teacher.

I do enjoy the fact that the protagonist of the video, upon seeing the members of Yes materialize out of thin air on the building rooftop dressed in suits, chooses suicide over whatever they may have planned for him. Now that's a statement.

And was that Peter Weller as a judge/clerk/administrator/the devil?

Duran Duran: Hungry Like the Wolf

Duran Duran |MTV Music

I can't think of another band that encapsulates the 80s more than Duran Duran. Not only did they write music that could easily work as a soundtrack for the decade, but they spared no expense when it came to their music videos. Case in point is Hungry Like the Wolf. I'm not sure whether they are on location or not, but even if this is a lot somewhere, it's impressive. And there's a lot going on...

A shirtless Nick Taylor(?) runs around the streets of some third world capital while Simon LeBon wears awesome glasses/goggles and contemplates things. And no matter where it's supposed to take place, I can appreciate Duran Duran ensuring hot women are involved. Shirtless Nick Taylor runs around some more while LeBon gets his freak on with a feral jungle woman. Let's give him some credit too - this is years before Jungle Fever. Think maybe this video was the spark that gave Spike Lee his idea? The video ends almost as nonsensically as it started. Honestly, I dare anyone to try to explain what's going on in this video.

Journey: Separate Ways

Journey |MTV Music

No way I couldn't include this video. It screams 80s and ridiculousness. Seriously, why the band is hanging out down at the wharf playing air instruments while some hooker struts around is beyond me. But what really comes through in this video is the passion. These guys aren't just going through the motions - they're feeling it, in the best of possible ways - especially the keyboardist. I bet the director told the rest of the band to take a cue from him when he watched the dailies.

The other thought I had watching this was: has there ever been an assembly of five uglier guys?

And what's the deal at the end? It comes out of nowhere. Was it all a dream? Is she sleeping in one of the warehouses? If not, that's an awfully large bedroom. And why is she wearing headphones?

Toto: Africa

Toto |MTV Music

Sure, I wrote about them before, but c'mon, there's no way they get left off this list. The lead singer looks like such a regular guy. I just want to go get a beer with him. I'd definitely have a lot of questions for him. Such as, "was the drummer as much of a douche as how he dressed?"

I will say I spoke too soon about Journey being ugly. Yowza. And they throw an unprecedented 6th guy in there to sit on the floor and bang on some things.

I am also a little unclear about what this video has to do with Africa. For all the mentions and references, there's really no real actual motif here. The only thing I can think of is that the lead singer is studying Africa so he can get in the librarian's pants. Because the library is in Africa? But then an African tribesman knocks over all the books and starts a fire, destroying the love the librarian and lead singer of Toto had.

What? Like you know what's going on.

So there you have it. While I certainly think this is a great list, I also know it is but a fraction of examples of what truly embodied the 80s. In fact, Cline has already responded with his list of television nostalgia here. So please, leave all your suggestions in the comments, and I'm sure this will be an ongoing series for the blog.

Remember music videos?

Rick Astley |MTV Music

MTV is back in the music video business...sort of. Because I assume they have a library of a million videos from back in a time when that was the thing to do, MTV has launched a new video service on the web where you can go and relive your coke-filled 80s life.

And to celebrate this great new catalog (I still can't tell if it's complete or not) The Popcorn Trick has decided to choose some of their favorite videos of yesteryear. Take a look on the flip side...



While some of the groups took the easy way out (boo!) and simply used stock footage from their concerts to use as videos, others really sunk their teeth into the medium. It is these videos I fondly remember for their dated looks, overacting and melodramatic grand gestures. I hope you enjoy them as well.

Genesis: Land of Confusion

Genesis |MTV Music

Everyone remembers this one. I can picture it now...Phil Collins begging the group to go with the puppets because it's the one thing that makes the actual Phil Collins look better. And then we get the whole political slant with Reagan nuking us all in a hazy dream.

Toto: Africa

Toto |MTV Music

Does it get more pretentious than this little thing right here? I'm genuinely asking. This video houses some of the greatest unintentional comedy the world has ever seen. It starts off with the oh-so-serious drummer with his Gloria Vanderbilt glasses and Courtney Cox blouse. That he thinks this look is working for him is amazing. Of course he's Sgt. Rock compared to the keyboardist, who comes out of nowhere. Other notes...

• The book motif...uh, sure.
• Every video is roughly 12 times better with the appearance of a gong. I worked out the equation.
• I'm not 100% sure, but I think if you added up the total, Toto would have the most amount of hair combined than any other band in the 80s. Yes I'm including pubic hair.

Tom Jones: Sexbomb

Tom Jones |MTV Music

Tom Jones, working about the same amount of facial cosmetic surgery than Sharon Stone and Madonna combined, makes a pitch to the youth of America with this "hip" little diddy. I don't think it worked, as it waddled away into obscurity...until now. Looking slightly less animated than Bernie on his 2weekend jaunt, Jones, wades through a sway and a shutter once or twice before the audience truly loses interest. I can think of no better video to show us the lengths a fading pop star will go in an attempt to reach the kids.

The Good...the Bad...the Beautiful #12

THE GOOD:



I never thought the coolest thing I was going to see today was a guy changing a tire on a moving vehicle. This almost made me want to buy a Hyundai.


Check out the bad and beautiful on the flip side...


THE BAD:



Dear lord what kid in their right mind would want one of these? It's demonic sounding greeting of, "Hi there...my name is Teddy Ruxpin," had to dole out nightmares to unsuspecting kids stumbling across this commercial looking for the Care Bears. It's funny, I always remembered Ruxpin's greeting as simply, "Hi...I'm Teddy Ruxpin," which while not dramatically different, still invokes fear in me.

And what's with the juxtaposing a talking teddy bear with one of the scariest literary figures of our time in Dr. Frankenstein? Or with the good doctor actually taking the pulse of a stuffed animal?

THE BEAUTIFUL:


Adam Kimmel presents: Claremont HD from adam kimmel on Vimeo.

I appreciate these guys get dressed up to go skateboarding. Ok, so the credits at the beginning are a little annoying, and they most certainly need a writer to script better dialog, but stay with it - it's worth it. I haven't seen such crazy camera flipping since the movie System to Get Down.

The Top 25 Opening Credits of 80's televsion action shows

I grew up on 80s action shows. While other kids watched Silver Spoons, I caught up on my Simon & Simon. As a result, I saw a lot of cops, detectives, bounty hunters and others stop a lot of crime. But how did I know what shows to watch? Back then the Internet didn’t exist, and there were pretty much only 3 major television stations.

The only thing people had to go on really were the opening credit sequences.

Nowadays, it seems many television shows have eschewed the opening credits to go right into the story. And I miss those sexy montages of explosions and buffoonery. That’s why I’ve created this list of the top 25 opening credits from 80s action shows.

To create this ranking I’ve come up with a fairly complex equation. Each show is rated on a scale of 1-10 in each of the following categories:

Action
Sexiness
Cheesiness
Homoeroticism
Intangibles

Judging was based on credits alone, with no points awarded or deduced for the quality of the actual show. Had that been the case, Simon & Simon would win hands down.

Without any more words, here are the top 25 action show opening credit sequences:

#25. Miami Vice



Action: 4
Sexiness 4 (not even a head shot of Philip Michael Thomas?)
Cheesiness: 1
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 1
Total: 10

Aside from the popular song the show introduced, these credits are lame. Trying to be too cool for school back in the 80s does not translate well here in the 20whatever-it-is century. I will give points for the jai lai scene though.

#24. Cagney & Lacey



Action: 2 (That’s generous)
Sexiness: 3 (This one even more so)
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 1
Intangibles: 1
Total: 15

Quite possibly the most sexist entry in the list, the opening credits barely have the two women detectives unholster their guns. When they do the action is almost nonexistent. What we do get are a lot of suggestive scenarios, because, ha ha these cops are women! I mean, do we really need the flasher scene? If I were a woman, this would offend me.


#23. CHiPs



Action: 1
Sexiness: 4 (it IS Erick Estrada)
Cheesiness: 4
Homoeroticism: 5 (they do share a nice smile as they ride side by side on their bikes)
Intangibles: 2
Total: 16

Surprisingly low on the list, these credits are boring. I remember the birds-eye view of the motorcycle cops on the California highway, but thought there was more. Nope – just weird cutaways to parts of their uniform. We get it, they’re cops. No disco Estrada?

#22. Rockford Files


Action: 1
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 0 (it’s more sad than anything, especially the shot of Jim Rockford shopping alone in the frozen food section)
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 11 (The song is fantastic, and the credits perfectly set up what you’re getting: a detective barely making ends meet.)
Total: 17

I remember watching Rockford Files when I would get home from school. I loved James Garner from age 7 on. I’m not sure what that says about me. I do know that it’s a risky move using still photos in the credits here. I also wish that the dialog at the end of the answering machine message was switched to: “and yes, I’ll go out with you,” instead of the lame set up about his finances followed by the date talk. That’s just poor writing. I would write more, but I doubt the two people reading care too much about a throwaway line in the opening of a forgotten detective show.

#21 Remington Steele



Action: 5
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 0
Intangibles: 4
Total: 19

Surprising amount of action for a show you remember your mother liking. Take for example, the weird hanging corpse scene. I have no idea where they were snooping around to bump into dead bodies hanging from the ceiling. Possibly the set of Coma?

#20 Jake and the Fatman



Action: 3
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 6
Intangibles: 2
Total: 20

I didn’t watch this at all, so I’m not sure who Jake is or why he hangs around with a fatman (William Conrad). The credits start out great with gunplay from 80s television staple Joe Penny, but really bogs down with the sudden overuse of city shots mucking up the remaining two thirds.

#19. Buck Rogers



Action: 1
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 9
Homoeroticism: 4
Intangibles: 3
Total: 22

For a show that was set in the future and featured dog fights in space and aliens, the opening credits lack excitement. And what country green lights a solo space mission these days?

#18. Airwolf



Action: 8 (Someone actually dies in the opening credits)
Sexiness: 2 (Helicopter flight suits don’t lend themselves to sexy)
Cheesiness: 2
Homoeroticism: 4
Intangibles: 7 (Ernest Borgnine!)
Total: 23

There’s no missing the helicopter in this show, because it’s about one. I wonder if this is the only opening credits where someone actually dies? I also love the shot of the helicopter reaching Mach 8. Is that even possible for a normal plane?

#17. Vega$



Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 3
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 5
Total: 24

Dan Tanna had a sweet candy-apple red convertible and the city of Vegas lends itself quite nicely as a sexy location to host a show. No idea where the clip of the boat marina is from though. Driving around with a lion in the passenger seat was a nice touch.

TIE: #15. Quincy



Action: 4
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 10
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 4
Total: 25

Has the required car crash and explosion shots. And of course, the slow reveal at the end where we find out Quincy wasn’t examining a body all along, but the gams of a beautiful dame is a great touch. But there is something bothering me. When Quincy begins the autopsy in front of the police cadets, and 2 fall immediately when he reveals the corpse, why doesn’t he stop? Is he that callous, or does he not notice? Either one isn’t a great answer.

TIE: #15 Knight Rider



Action: 5
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 6
Intangibles: 2
Total: 25

For such a great show, the credits leave me a little ho hum. And KITT was clearly gay, right? Michael Knight, the jury’s still out.

#14 Blue Thunder



Action: 5
Sexiness: 3
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 7
Intangibles: 3
Total: 26

Another helicopter show, but with a little more humor infused with the addition of a pre-SNL Dana Carvey. Guess he’s happy the show didn’t take off (though possibly less so now). I can only assume Butkus and Bubba Smith were used for comic relief as well – it couldn’t’ have been for their acting.

#13 Hardcastle and McCormick



Action: 7
Sexiness: 2
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 3
Total: 27

Hardcastle (or McCormick) drives around in a cool racecar stopping crime, I guess. The other one is a judge I guess. Hardcastle (or McCormick) then come back to the judge and then probably have pillow fights until the next crime is committed. While I wish it was some weird Star Chamber vigilante driven series, I really doubt it.

#12 Tales of the Gold Monkey



Action: 5
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 6 (Almost non-existent until the end when Roddy McDowell shows up with a parrot)
Intangibles: 5
Total: 28

This “nothing-like-Raiders-of-the-Lost-Ark” series definitely looks cool, and seemingly has 2 female leads for the main character to bounce back and forth between. Plus, who doesn’t laugh at a dog wearing an eye patch?

#11 Automan



Action: 3
Sexiness: 4
Cheesiness: 10
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 4
Total: 29

Not sure where to start. Let’s just say you knew what you were getting into with this show when they introduce an animated “cursor” as himself. Clever. They also manage to shoehorn a helicopter in there. Many of you will question the very idea that this was even on the air, but trust me, it was. I'm pretty that including the producers, I'm one of 4 people that have see every episode.

#10 Simon & Simon



Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 2 (if they weren’t brothers on the show, let’s just say this number would have vaulted them into first place)
Intangibles: 8
Total: 30

I loved Simon & Simon as a kid. 9 o’clock, Thursday nights, right after Magnum P.I. The opening credits let you know exactly what you’re going to get: 2 guys – one a little proper, one a little rough – bickering and solving crimes. We all know what happened to Gerald McRaney (Major Dad) but where did Jameson Parker go? Simon & Simon was that good to him that he could live off residuals?

#9 Hart to Hart



Action: 7
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 7
Total: 31

As far as needing a millionaire detective couple to solve your murder, you could do a lot worse than Robert Wagner and Stephanie Powers. For being a show about an attractive couple solving crimes, it does suggest a good amount of action coming the viewers’ way. I’m not sure why it was “murder” when they met. Maybe, their first date was at one of those murder mystery dinners.

#8 Manimal



Action: 5
Sexiness: 2
Cheesiness: 14
Homoeroticism: 2
Intangibles: 9
Total: 32

I would have loved to sit in the pitch meeting for this one. I think it started from the clever title and went from there. This opening hints at a tremendous, nonsensical back-story as to how this guy came to be able to turn into an animal at will, involving an African tribal guy, a full moon, his father’s dying ramblings, and then his disappearing corpse. Huh?

#7 Hunter



Action: 8
Sexiness: 7
Cheesiness: 6
Homoeroticism: 3
Intangibles: 9
Total: 33

Guns, car chases and scowls. That pretty much defines Hunter’s opening credits. That and the pretentious act of the female lead choosing to spell her name, “Stepfanie.” Was Fred Dryer the best of the former football stars turned actors of the lot, or am I forgetting someone>

#6 Magnum P.I.



Action: 7
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 5
Homoeroticism: 9
Intangibles: 7
Total: 34

Everyone is familiar with these opening credits. Hawaii… the Ferrari… helicopter… explosions… Selleck’s stache… it’s all there. Watching it now though, I really have to start wondering if Magnum was gay. I mean, he lived on an estate with Higgins, who was clearly homosexual, had a mechanic that liked to wear nothing under his overalls, and was buddies with Rick, the flamboyant club owner. Hmmm.

#5 The Fall Guy



Action: 10
Sexiness: 6
Cheesiness: 6
Homoeroticism: 5
Intangibles: 8
Total: 35

What better way to portray a stuntman/bounty hunter in the opening credits than to create a montage of action movie stunts? Then, get Lee Majors, (the star) to perform the original song, mix in a smattering of Doug Barr (and I do mean a smattering) and a gratuitous Heather Thomas-in-a-bikini shot, and you’ve got yourself one of the all time openings for an 80s action show.

#4 Matt Houston



Action: 10
Sexiness: 9
Cheesiness: 2
Homoeroticism: 5
Intangibles: 10
Total: 36

If there’s one thing I learned watching this opening: you do not want to piss off Matt Houston. Jesus, this guy is tough. And it doesn’t hurt to start off sporting a turtleneck-with-a-sports-jacket look. The opening credits here are packed with all the action clichés we’ve come to love: helicopter, guns, car chases, tires screeching, boats, shirts off, etc. Then of course we’re treated to Buddy Epsen, so all is right with the world. And Lee Horsley is sporting a mustache to rival Selleck’s! I know this was a Magnum ripoff, but c’mon, why wasn’t this more successful?

#3 The A-Team



Action: 8
Sexiness: 5
Cheesiness: 9
Homoeroticism: 8
Intangibles: 9
Total: 39

Arguably the most popular 80s action show of the lot, this one has everything. It thrives on violence, explosions and guns. Watch the opening again before you start complaining about the high cheesiness score. When Dirk Benedict is the most responsible member of your team, you have problems.

#2 Riptide



Action: 7
Sexiness: 8 (they actually write a break in the action-oriented song to work as an “homage” to California pop, right as bikini-clad models stroll by)
Cheesiness: 7
Homoeroticism: 8 (Watch the volleyball scene again)
Intangibles: 10
Total: 40

Lots of gun play, lots of boats and lots of Joe Penny. There isn’t too much else you could add to make it better. The last of the shows revolving around a helicopter (indirectly) is also the best. It’s mix of action and humor is so perfect that it should have easily cruised into the #1 spot if it weren’t for…

#1 TJ Hooker



Action: 9
Sexiness: 9
Cheesiness: 8
Homoeroticism: 9
Intangibles: 10
Total: 45

I don’t know how he does it, but Adrian Zmed singlehandedlt makes these opening credits score high in both sexiness and homoeroticism. A young Locklear doesn’t hurt either. And then there’s good ol’ Resue 911 narrator Bill Shatner. I love his roll across the roof, and I love his intense/stoned/crazy look when he draws his gun at the start of this. Is there anything he won’t do to catch his perp? He jumps on the wing of a bi-plane for Christ’s sake! All this, and he’s a beat patrolman. I can only imagine how many “Policeman of the Year” plaques he has in his house.

So what have we learned today, other than to be some type of law enforcement agent in the 80s you needed boats, explosions and black sidekicks? Admittedly, not much. But there will always be a place in my heart for awesome 80s television, and it all starts with the opening credits montage.

Agree? Disagree? Was there something I missed? Let me know what YOU think in the comments section.